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D.V.

June 30, 2021

Trigger warning ⚠️

Domestic violence.

The simplest touch
the softest word,
All those sweet nothings
the love that I heard,
Time it moved on
and I fell in love,
Thought you were the best
a gift from above,
As time it moved on I
lost friend after friend,
Til you were my start
and you were my end,
Then came the accusing
of every guy I saw,
And I never even realised
controlling more and more,
The first time you hit me
i felt such a disgrace,
So much mess and so much glass
blood all over the place,
You told me I was nothing
as you slammed closed that door,
And I laid dazed and hurt
amid the mess on the floor,
Time it moved on
those hands nearly every day,
And then after how much you loved me
in each and every way,
More time and we had children
they’re my lights I don’t regret,
Then that day with the axe
imprinted I can’t forget,
More years and that table
the spade car poker knife,
That night with the car between us
blood pouring begging for my life,
That was when I realised
that I had to leave,
You weren’t letting up
there was no reprieve,
Now for 2 years
we’re not together,
Although you still want
a me and you forever,
You say if you can’t have me
then no one else can,
And you repeat this often
but get it your not my man,
I am not weak
and you will not win….

This poem is inspired by someone else’s true life story. No… I am NOT tarring every man with the same brush and women are just as much likely to be the abuser, but because of the stigma attached to domestic violence against males? Its less likely to get reported. Abuse is abuse. I don’t care who you are. Don’t degrade another, everyone deserves love, safety, happiness and the simple necessities that give a good quality of life. Okay… even I have a couple of exceptions to that and I’m honest enough to admit them… If you’re a rapist or if you in any form hurt a child/children? You get what you get and hell would be too good of a blessing for you.

Soooo… don’t read this and bitch about the subject matter. I will write about every and any subject. Infact I think I might do a couple of writing posts to show that despite the fact I’m half the picnic short of a picnic and definitely have more than a few screws loose, I can write.

Tags: anger, blogging, blogs, Darkness, Depression, domestic violence, DV, Feelings, Life, poem, Poems, poetry, Thoughts, violence, Words, Writing

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Strawberry and English mint tea

Filed under: Writing — Leave a comment

June 29, 2021

Holding it high

and breathing in,

Summer days

on sun tanned skin,

A hit of mint

freshest summer breeze,

A swirl of a memory

sung through the trees,

Strawberry Sweetness

glides across the tongue,

that burst of brightness

rolled up in sun,

Making light pink herbal tea

stewing in a cup,

A little summer garden in my infuser

drink up…

.x.

Tags: blogging, blogs, English mint, gardening, herbal infusion, herbal tea, poem, Poems, strawberries, tea, Words, Writing

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Wild grass…

Filed under: Poems.... — Leave a comment

June 27, 2021

Wild grass

in the breeze

wild grass

grown past knees,

White fluffy coluds

in a sky clearest blue,

Warm summer sun

warm you right through,

But my eyes aren’t on the sun

or the clouds or skies of blue,

They’re filled with visions that I can’t see

filled with thoughts of you,

As the wild grass

it does sway,

My mind it spins

those thoughts away,

Your voice your words

your promises your lies,

Velveteen lies

of us together,

Silken promises

of us together,

The heartbreak as

you walked out the door,

The brokenness

of us no more…

Tags: blogging, blogs, Poems, Story, Thoughts, Words, Writing

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Ghosted…

Filed under: Poems.... — 3 Comments

And I kissed every step

your bare feet stepped up on,

The rail where

your hand laid thereupon,

I followed the ghost

of your scent down the hall,

Your my highest high

biggest downfall,

My very own drug

and I in a hopeless trance,

I’d steal stars from the sky

to light your way give me a chance,

You don’t notice

you don’t care,

I’m just a ghost

not even there…

.x.

Tags: blogging, blogs, Feelings, ghost, ghosted., Loss, Love, Poems, Story, Words, Writing

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Eccedentesiast Messages.

Filed under: Thoughts — Leave a comment

June 4, 2021

“Hi! How’re you?”

“I have bad days more than good. I’ve fallen apart so much this year that I’m running out of string and glue to hold myself together. I’ve shut everyone out and I mean EVERYONE. Ease don’t take it personally that I don’t talk anymore but I got hurt bad this year because I finally believed in someone and let my guard down a little. 5 years. 5 years I’d known them and everyone said that they were a user and no good for me. They turned on me badly when I was at a very low point and I considered ending my life. So now they’re out of my life but it’s caused a knock on effect and now I don’t want anyone near me. I don’t want to talk to people. My confidence is gone. I just want to stay home and never see people again. People hurt you. I say it all the time and I’m always told that no. No they don’t. It’s just a few bad ones that take advantage. But YES. Yes they do. Time has proved it again and again. So I am quiet. I hate myself. I hardly sleep. My anxiety has presented itself in a new way now… I get the shakes when it’s pushed too high. That’s made me really self conscious. I keep telling myself that I’ll get over it. But when? But I’ll get over it. “

“Hi! How’re you? I hope you’re keeping well? Massive hugs.x.x.”

Tags: anxiety, blogging, blogs, Depression, Feelings, life. writing., Thoughts, Words

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For the girls…

Filed under: ~ Stories ~ — Leave a comment

May 30, 2021

I awoke with a start as light flooded the room, slipping out of bed I ran to the window. I dont know specifically what woke me but as I looked out the wide sash window, the chaotic sight told me the house and gardens seemed like they were the sole target of the raging storms personal vendetta.

The wind howled as it pushed ferociously harder, scooping up the long bench on the patio and hurling it across the dark grass. The rain beat down a cacophony of roaring drums. The murderous sky lit up with a jagged silver blue, zig zagging downwards in a blaze of fury to engulf the large majestic oak tree on fire in a torrent of crackling and popping flames. One of its large branches displaced and slowly being dragged away by the wind, as the once mighty tree released both smoke and fire into the snapping wind. The lashing rain slowly trying to extinguish the flames.

But? In the lightnings brightness? I had clearly seen another horror, the river had burst its banks unable to cope with the torrential onslaught of rain, and was now creeping across the once lush lawn in a deluge of water, mud and bracken towards the house…

BANG! My door hit the wall as it flew open revealing both my cousin, my best friend and my younger sister.

“Thomas…” my sister Amber said fearfully.

“Where are the twins?” I replied whilst striding across the room towards the trio. My best friend Dominic was the first to turn back towards the hall as an almighty crash followed by shrieking and the sound of bare feet, that could be heard just above the din coming towards us.

My 10 year old twin brothers Lucian and Nicholas hurtled past, barging through us and diving into my bed with our frightened youngest sister Blaire.

All eyes looked to me. As the oldest at 22, I had been head of our family ever since all our parents died when dad’s boat sank while they were all on holiday together. Dominic, my cousin Liam, and my siblings and I, had all been left parentless just like that. And being the eldest by 10 months meant that I was thrown head first into being in charge and the one they all looked to…

Lightning again streaked across the sky, ripping through the storm clouds and brightening up the room.

“Shoes and coats everyone. We’ve got to be fast.” I said with more determination and confidence than I felt.

“With the flooded river fast approaching the house, its not safe here any more.”

I said a silent prayer as everyone got their things ready to leave. We would be okay. I am Thomas Kingsley. Head of the Kingsley family, and I would protect us all. I gave myself the pep talk my dad used to give, before grabbing Blaire’s teddy and leaving the room…

So… the above was written for my 2 younger girls. Its was simply to show that you can have “fun” with your descriptive words and not to be afraid of using them. “There are so many easier ways to write that.” My younger daughter said. But her elder sister pointed out that while there may be easier ways to write the same thing? When you write a story? You want the person reading it to be able to see, hear, smell and feel everything you write(love this girly!).

I’m not really any good at stories but hey, I try. While I’m still struggling to actually finish a poem, my drafts section is getting larger and larger and my notebooks pages are being filled, I thought I’d leave you this. Constructive criticism most definitely welcome! Or if you just want to tell me to stick with the poems? I agree! 🙂 I am still playing with words even though I’m quiet.

Massive happy hugs to you all at the other end of the wire.x.

Tags: blogging, blogs, Story, Words, Writing, writing exercise

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…Change your mind…

Filed under: Poems.... — 1 Comment

February 18, 2021

Drip drop drip drop

the rain so falls heavy down,

Harder harder into the mud

spinning through time you drown,

Drip drop drip drop

sounds like marching,

From their homes their lives

their loves departing,

Marching through

time,

Running down

the line,

Hit pause

and spin rewind,

Another place

trace lines,

Arcing backwards

past times,

Time stops

rewinds,

Fields of red

fields of red,

All those men

so many dead,

Bloody battles

sparks fly,

Burning arrows

across the sky,

Clang of sword

and shield clash,

War cry

armour crash,

Chieftains warriors

barbarians men,

So many so different

all the same but then,

The hungry cry

of injustice fight,

Hunters prey

right through the night,

Picking fighters off

one by one,

Their goal objective

make the other undone,

Chains that bind

whips slash,

Guns go off

bodies fall so rash,

Innocent words

called liar liar,

Bodies burn

callously set on fire,

Defining moments

encapsulated in time,

Consequences spin along

run through the trace line,

And now here in the present

man against man,

So many injustices

wheres this promised land,

Fighting and riots

march protest in the street,

Your colour your creed

Shouldn’t define who you meet,

Its just the colour

of your skin,

But I saw that girl with bleach

thinking she’s a sin,

We are all equal

we all are the same,

Bigoted people

have you no shame,

Look what your doing

push your narrow mindedness on the young,

Do not make them

what you have become…

.x.

Tags: blogging, blogs, Feelings, History, Life, people, Poems, racism, Thoughts, Time, Words, Writing

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…Lost in thought…

Filed under: Thoughts — 2 Comments

February 11, 2021

Watching you
so dainty and sweet,
Tiny little nose
soft fluffy feet,
Nose boops and soft purrs,
You jumped up on the counter
just to watch what I’m doing,
and glare at that yucky white stuff
that is all over the floor outside the window.
Yes yes… you shouldnt be on the counter.
I’m spraying it again huh? I’ve cleaned it 4 times already today.
Your tail curled around your feet.
That tail that gets people talking, how they know your mine, tail as long as a normal cat and so fluffy!
If only everyone that has ever seen you
would know that at home the shy timid streak of white and black that runs so fast from everyone, actually likes to be cuddled…
on your terms!
You look at me and I see it,
Those eyes that hold so much knowledge,
Those other worldly eyes of greens and yellows that appear to change colour…
Chicken? Those eyes say.
Always for you.
You and your chicken obsession.
But not just any way, cut it small or you won’t touch it.
Watching you eat with that tiny mouth so dainty.
My fluffy friend.
That purr…
Oh that purr so loud out of someone so small.
I get so lost in watching you that I dont hear the pan on the hob boiling.
Ooopppssss…
So lost in the magic that is you.
Once cats were revered as G*Ds. With time we forgot. But cats did not.
How I love that saying and believe there’s truth in it.
You may be young but you have such an old soul and I see it every time I get lost in watching you…x.

Tags: Animals, blogging, blogs, cats, felines, furbaby, furry friend, purrbaby., Thoughts, Tom cats, Words, Writing

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Rebuilding 1 block at a time…

Filed under: Writing — 5 Comments

February 7, 2021

I crashed last month. Like always? I didn’t see the signs until after. Like always I hid how much I cried, hid that I didn’t want to breathe any more. I planned in detail again just how I’d do it. I’ve got a quick fool proof way. No come backs. No doctor will save me. But its just thoughts. Its what happens when I get that low. I know there’s some name for it. Where you plan it but have no intention to actually do it. I seem to purposely break myself and shatter my own defenses every time I try to build them. Honestly I’m tired of this game. So damn tired. I’m tired of building myself back up and pretending that I’m always ok. I’m tired of always showing the world a smile, and im known for it… that stupid smile. Its there hiding me behind it.

Right now I feel numb. No emotion is hitting me hard enough to get through. I’m just sitting here in my mind slowly building these glass shards up one by one. You’d think by now I’d have cut myself so many times that I’d build with something stronger. But no… I’d rather walk on broken glass apparently…

But you see? This is the thing with depression. It hits us all in different ways. Its sets us apart but in being apart we are together(these are my thoughts remember). It torments us with sweet nothings. Promises of things being better if we just give in and let that dark gray soft depressive cloud envelope us in its warm embrace. But they’re not better. They never are. And yet so many of us give in again and again. Are you tired like me? Because I’m so damn tired of all this.

I want to be better. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to have to fight the feeling that my skin is trying to crawl off me every time I’m around people. I dont want to keep being afraid of people and places with lots of them. I dont want outs to my anxiety to be to claw my skin on my arms until I make it bleed(I’m working hard on finding ways to not do this including living in t-shirts no matter the weather because I cant hide it). I’ve often said over the years that I want to be normal. But what’s normal? To the outside world I appear to function fine. So therefore? I must be fine. I must be normal… Please remind me of this next time I’m on the bathroom floor crying so hard I can hardly breathe all while trying to make no sound so no one knows what I’m doing. Remind me of it when my own mind turns against me and drags me down shattering every hope I have, leaves me a broken jaggard mess. Remind me then that I’m normal. Because those times I forget…

So here I am. Back to the now. And I’m here. I’m starting to feel words again so I know I’m coming back. I’m building enough and fighting the numb enough and not just floating in it because floating in numb is easy and since when did I ever take the easy road anyway? I can’t quite catch the words yet to make poems. But I will. I have hope. When I have nothing else inside me? I always find a way to have hope. And sometimes things get so dark in my mind. But still always there is hope. Hope plants seeds. Hope can grow a blade of grass or a mountain…

Look at me here littering this page with my thoughts… I feel I’d have made more sense if I’d just grabbed a tin of alphabet spaghetti and played scrabble with it(now there’s an idea!). But I stick to the promise I made for this page… be open. Honest. Who cares if they think your a fruitloop? You’ve never eaten one so does it matter? The point is I’m real.

I’ve just seen something fluffy walk into the room and meow(well he makes a sound that sounds like “no”), in my direction… I’m going to say hello and touch the uber fluffiness because no one can deny a cat…

Hugs to you all at the end of the wire.x.

Tags: anxiety, Blog, blogging, blogs, Broken, cats, conversations, Dark, Darkness, Demons, Depressed, Depression, Depressive, Despair, Doubt, emotions, Feelings, Life, Thoughts, Words, Writing

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Write your own title…

Filed under: Thoughts, Writing — Leave a comment

January 12, 2021

    Well hi! I’ve been bit quiet lately,so much going on and I’ve not been feeling the words. The kiddos first week back at school was interesting to say the least. They are fab and make me proud with the way they’ve gone straight back at it. The youngest is realising that idont mind her listening to music,it’s the gatcha life in lesson time I draw the line at. She’s been busted twice.
    A lot happened on Friday and although this isn’t going to be a long post, I don’t think it will be anyway, its Friday and what’s happened because of it I’m going to write about…
    Friday afternoon me and the 15 year old had a play tickle fight,loads of laughing and smiling and just fun. But I hurt myself (and yes I’ve found it hilariously funny). I’ve twisted or sprained my knee, well I’ve done something to it! By Saturday it was completely swollen and I couldn’t walk on it, que strapping it up to support it as I cussed and cursed around the kitchen, crawled up the stairs and almost cried crawling back down them, as I went off on one at the washing machine for washing clothes to quickly and the dryer for drying the clothes to quickly. Sunday, Monday, we’re now on Tuesday(20:38 UK time), and I’m still seriously struggling its still swollen, it still hurts, I’m still limping, still can’t completely bend or straighten it. But? Its still funny as fudge!
    Now… the more important bit and the reason I wanted to write and this is incredibly sad. On Friday a girl in my 15 year olds form class committed suicide. Needless to say everyone is still shocked. Sadness doesn’t begin to describe it. One of the popular girls who was kind, sweet, caring and beautiful. The school has offered counselling to all students and to all teachers. The teachers have talked to the pupils as each lesson begins both yesterday and today. I wrote previously that the years 2 of my children are in are exam years, there is so much pressure. And I mean an extreme amount of pressure. Covid has made it so much harder, lessons online is so much harder and our house is lucky that there are enough devices for all 3 youngest to be online doing class work. Everyone is feeling the isolation. For 15 and 17/18(Alevel)Yr olds across the UK? The pressure is immense. A support network is ringing every family to ask how their teenager is, after talking for a few moments I asked if she wanted to talk to the 15yr old who was doing her work near me. I have sat and spoken to my 15 year old a few times about what happened. Her brothers and sisters, us as a family, we stick together and we talk. It is a parents worse nightmare and my heart goes out to her mum.
     My last thought in writing this post is this…
          There are going to be days where you feel so alone. That no one understands,that no one is there for you. You will feel like no one cares and that you’re not worthy of love. There will be days where you can’t see anything other than the bleak greyness that appears to go on forever. There might be times when to not breathe? Seems the better option. When these days happen, when your thoughts are like this? I’m asking you to remember something important…

      You are a candle 🕯
If you went out?
Somebodies path would be in darkness.
You light their path in life
Probably without ever knowing
How bright and well lit
You make their life path.
You are important.
You are not just wanted.
You are needed.
And even if at times
You don’t feel it?
You are loved.x.

So as simple as it sounds?
Please don’t ever forget…
You are a candle 🕯