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~ what you cannot see…. ~

 

 

My masks                          

a permanent smile,

Deludes you

to think its worthwhile,

So clever at this now

i just look at the floor,

So you can’t see my eyes

walk through the masks door,

Inside me the scales are 

tipping,

The balance overloaded

every things slipping,

My whirlwind is faster

losing control,

The darkness is coming

to swallow me whole,

And so I run I run

i run away,

My mind flips back

through yesterday,

When sunshine

it was streaming,

But now its all just 

screaming,

Falling falling

falling down,

Scratch’s on my skin from the bracken

i hit the ground,

I run I run

i’m pushed on to run away,

Your not gonna catch me

no not today,

Deathly rider on your

ghostly steed,

Why chase and torment me

what do you need,

So frightened of you

a fear so great,

No courage to face you

faiths to late,

I wake up screaming

in my bed,

Drenched in sweat

from foot to head,

My other half shaking me

to stop wishing I was dead,

And so it settles

the icy fear the dread,

Please forgive

for all the things I’ve done wrong,

You’ve been playing this game

for so very long,

You torment my mind

you crush my soul,

Deathly rider

why not consume me whole,

You chip away

till I’m near empty inside,

Isn’t there a code

by which you have to abide,

Deathly rider ghostly steed

will I ever be free,

From your nightmare?

your endless chasing?

you truly terrify me….

 

.x.

 

 

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Hi….

Hello everyone! How are you all? I hope life is treating you well and special people make you smile  b         🙂

I haven’t written on here in a while, didn’t want to as I don’t want to fill this page with unhappiness but, its about time I wrote something!

For those of you who have been reading a while now, you will have already read about Taylor (My middle son). Well in good news his blood pressure is down to 121/73 which, is excellent! But bad news, the last set of tests they did, his kidney function is reading what they call abnormal and bad, like his usual kidney function is good? It’s a lot closer to the 40% now and that day is getting so much closer. Taylor is off to hospital next week for more tests. He’s happy he gets to stay off school.  In order to give Taylor an “as normal as possible” childhood, we’ve never really told him just how serious his problems are. Some people might think this is wrong but why make life any harder for him? Doesn’t he have enough to cope with already? He knows he is different and has asked if he is normal? And that IS hard. My eldest (the 13yr old), knows whats wrong and being very close to me, picks my moods up before anyone else, he’s currently sticking to me as I plaster a huge grin on my face. He knows how much I worry about Taylor.

In some good news Taylor has a girlfriend friend that’s a girl, to young to put those words together! It’s nice to see them chat and giggle and laugh together, she constantly gives him the sweetest smiles.  🙂

Taylor is a fan of classical music ( I like so many different types, all the children get to listen to it all). I was thinking about taking him to the theatre to see something. Anyone got any ideas of whats good? I haven’t been in about 10 years.

Now Taylor is in year 6, I have to start thinking about secondary school. With his problems with interacting with others, I’m now unsure which High school to send him to. My eldest boy goes to a business and enterprise academy. My eldest girl goes to a specialist academy for performing arts. And there is a science and languages academy near my daughters school.  Living 3 miles from Lincoln castle and in a city, there are another 8 schools that I could choose from. With my eldest 2 the choice was easy and they go to the right schools for them. Amazing isn’t it? As children we spend our life trying to get away from schools then as parents we want to know everything about them!!

I want to get back into education as well and am looking at open university courses but I’ll tell you more another time.

So in other news in our house? My youngest boy is now playing football for the school. My middle girl is now going to dance lessons. oldest boy now in under 14’s team for his football club. eldest girl gaining confidence and letting go of some of her shyness (yay!). Munchkin (3yrs) can now write her 1st name (Double yay!!), and tell you what each letter is and its sound (triple yay!! ). we’re still working on her surname, she finds W hard! I finally got my new sewing machine, a computerized one and my super old one ( from before I was born) is now gone. Oh and our demon tumble dryer is gone and our new dryer does not have an underwear fetish like the old one!!

So that’s it from our house, for now. I haven’t been writing, no scrap that, I haven’t been finishing any poems that I start so none to upload. Hopefully I’ll finish at least 1 poem soon!

Well if you made it to the end, well done you! Hello? Hellooooo? OI! you! Yes you! Wake up!

Happy hugs to ALL of you. Hey! Remember it’s Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you ALL have a happy huggable weekend full of special people and thoughts that make you smile.  🙂

Big smiles to you all, me.x.

.x.

Arm curls around

hand on waist,

The atmosphere heavy with

desire laced,

Looks into deep brown eyes

breathing shallows then breath held,

Hunger need passion

feelings welled,

Body sparks alight

with salacious need,

Kisses across neck and shoulder

feed,

Shirt falls to the floor

and then a moment of honesty,

He looks and says

“if your looking for love it sure as hell ain’t me”,

She reaches up

pulls him into a kiss,

Kiss deepens passion spikes

heartbeat miss,

“I know” she breathes

upon his lips,

He pulls her flush against him

hands on her hips,

His soft sultry kisses

from shoulder to shoulder,

Her breathing shallows

her hands getting bolder,

Laying on the bed

her nipples harden at his touch,

Need spinning them along

she wants him so much,

This moment can say but

a thousand word,

Her moan at his touch

the only sound heard….

 

.x.

~ Dusk…. ~

Gossamer wings

fly in the dusky light,

The sun is setting

it s orange glow brightens the night,

At the edge colours pink

purple gray blue,

Which bleeds into the darker

the night coming through,

The gossamer wings

they dance and they twirl,

Then to close to a candle

they burn and they curl,

The long grass casts black shadows

on the patio stones,

And the stars twinkle out

in the sky from their zones,

The moon rises up

so high in the sky,

Bids the night awakening world

a sleepy time hi,

The wind blows a symphony

of night crawlers and frogs,

The trees take on life

joined by a howl from two dogs,

Two men stand by a bonfire

burning rubbish from the day,

Two women bring them tea

and sandwiches on a tray,

The smoke from the fire

fly’s into the night,

Distracting an owl

in hunters flight,

The gossamer wings

now embers curled on the floor,

And intrude on this night

we will do no more….

 

.x.

~ your always busy…. ~

( Flip side of the coin….)

 

Your always busy shopping cooking cleaning

always on the go,

You never stop so that I’m in awe of you

but you never want to know,

I want to be there for you

but I feel I’m no good,

I watch you with the children

and I feel under par just misunderstood,

I like life

in black and white,

When all are asleep and it’s time for talking your knackered

another early night,

We’ve strayed off

the “us” path,

I miss the you the me the us

your smile your laugh….

 

.x.

(One side of the coin….)

 

You don’t seem

to care,

Your always busy

never there,

I need a little affection

to survive,

Without it I don’t function properly

don’t thrive,

I’m left feeling as though

all I do is wrong,

And this path where nothing I do is right

is long,

I can’t be strong about this

emotionally I’m weak,

It’s getting to the point

where now I don’t speak,

Would you even notice

if I left and wasn’t here,

Would you even miss me

if I was no longer near….

 

.x.

 

 

IMAG0070.jpg

Down the sacred path

our journeys end,

Brambles wild and unforgiving

but the path our friend,

Stray from the path

tell me what do you see,

Venture deep in the undergrowth 

butterflies wild soaring free,

Crickets sing symphony’s

dragonflies buzz about,

The birds there are so many

toads they croak and shout,

Field mice scamper

and sleepy eyes gaze,

A stripy cat sunning

no mice chasing content to laze,

Let your breath out slowly

as you look around,

So quiet

afraid to make a sound,

Step back

but as you turn to go,

Five little rabbits

scamper off in a row,

Carry on down the path 

to the archway made of stone,

Who would have guessed peace and tranquillity

not five minutes from home….

 

.x.

~ He plays Bach…. ~

Oh piano player

your fingers do take flight,

The white the black the black the white

you set my soul alight,

Caressed keys cascade the melody

that makes my being swell,

And then you play my favourite song

and so the tear drops fell,

You weave a simple story

intricately laced and told,

Captivating all around you

breathtaking to behold,

The room overflows with pleasure

at your magic touch,

You are merciless with the keys

giving your all to what we want so much,

When the show is over

our held breaths released for now,

We will talk about the spellbinding magic

long after your final bow….

.x.

 

No brave white knight to guide me

no light to shine the way,

Shadows closing in on me

and still I kneel and pray,

I pray that your the one 

who can take me from this harm,

Save me from this pain and hurt

deliver me to calm,

I need your healing hands upon me

to help wash away my pain,

Your strength your arms around me

like sweet soft summer rain,

This turmoil deep inside of me

is begging for release,

The storm raging deep within my mind

radiates through my eyes with fury and unease,

I stand like I’m a predator 

locked with in a cage,

I smile but I am given away

my eyes they blaze with rage,

My horrific cascading nightmare

cares for neither creed nor class,

He batters my defences

 shatters my world like glass,

The wind howls and I’m left kneeling there

afraid and all alone,

I’m lost and just can’t find my way

I need your strength to help me find home….

 

.x.

“Ooooooh, I can’t quiet reach them.” Says the 13 year old standing on his tiptoes.

“You don’t need those, there are biscuits in the cupboard.” Says his mum.

The 13 year old sighs and suddenly looks so much younger instead of so much older than his 13 years. He looks through the biscuits in the cupboard. “But there are no jammie dodgers in here.” He says, taking 2 large cookies and stuffing nearly a whole one in his mouth pouting.

“How old are you?”  Asks his mom?

“2.” He says walking out the door with an impish grin on his face….

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Well “Hi!” and happy Sunday to you! How are you all? Fantastic I hope!! 🙂

It’s sunday again so it’s time for me to aimlessly write a post about…. well…. anything and everything!!

I spent friday night having very little sleep up reading a book and then reading another which I’m about half way through, so very tired, which, was made very obvious today at the market. My 3 yr old munchkin and I got back to the car first and as I had bought her an ice-cream, I sat her on the car bonnet so she could sit and eat. Feeling the gloriously warm sunshine ( we’ve had so much rain lately), My body wanted nothing more than the pleasure of sleep, while my mind,  tried it’s very hardest to concentrate on the munchkin sat next to me chattering away while eating ice-cream and, make my mouth work words in answers to her questions. Poor brain I do believe I have started to take it for granted, and I’m sure I can see my subconscious standing there with her hands on her hips like some washer woman waggling her finger at me saying “Don’t you think it’s time you started taking care of yourself? Oh yes, I forgot. Don’t know how to think do you!!” Evil subconscious!!  😉

The rest of today passes in a mindless blur of cleaning, washing, clothes folding, talking, playing with my children and cooking. which leads me to the incident with the balloon….

My eldest daughter went to her yr 6 school leavers disco on friday and bought a helium balloon home. On saturday she wrote MUM on it and declared it mine as she was sick of the munchkin trying to claim it. Now I understand where the munchkin is coming from…. A helium balloon is a magical mysterious thing, how does it go “up” all by its self? it seems to have a will of its own, why does it fly? The munchkin is mystified by this and, thinks that the best thing is to play with the magical friend balloon.

Today we give in and munchkin has spent the afternoon playing with balloon. Every time she lets go, balloon flies to the ceiling and then she stands on her play table and gets balloon down again. All of this is ok until the ribbon holding balloon comes free. Balloon now sits on the ceiling out of her and my reach. I stand on the edge of the settee and ask 13 yr old to just old my hand so I can stretch out enough to reach it. 13 yr old first says no then when I am distracted by over reaching his tickles me laughing his head off! As I fall off the settee he jumps on to it and not being tall enough, jumps to grab balloon, missing and sending balloon across the room towards the computer. Not to be outdone he climbs on to the computer chair, a leather swivel chair, can you guess what’s gonna happen?

Yup he jumps….

13 yr old does the biggest jump he can to get balloon and the computer chair leg snaps, 13 yr old goes flying on to me and knocks me over, we both jump up and all I can do is pee myself with laughter at the broken chair leg. His dad is gonna go absolutely mad and will throw an almighty paddy when he finds out. But 13 yr old has an idea! He gets his dads extra strong industrial tape and winds it around the broken leg. when all done it is sit-on-able again. He looks at me as if to say job done!! and says “don’t worry mum, dad won’t notice!”

So the question now is when will he notice? When he does, both 13 yr old and I will deny knowing anything about it as we secretly smile!  🙂

Well I hope the rest of your sunday is fantastic and, I wish you all luck and hugs for the coming week. Off to my sisters for the day tomorrow, she lives 75 miles away, I can’t wait, miss her loads!!!!!!!

Wow I do believe this is the most I have ever wrote on here!

Happy hugs all.x.

Sulaiman Hafeez

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