Tag Archive: uncategorised.


Where I’m standing….

 

 

Am I even standing? And if  I am, then where am I? Honestly at the moment I just don’t know….

In the last few months I’ve been on a deep personal learning curve. I’ve wanted to get off this roller coaster many many times but, I’ve had to do it and, it’s been hard. Emotionally I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train. Twice. But importantly, I’ve proved I’m so much stronger than I both think and give myself credit for. Now I just need to start believing in myself a bit more. I guess maybe that comes with time? Maybe….

So instead of posting a poem or thought like usual I wanted to ask you a question. Or maybe I just wanted to voice my question out in the open and then answer it myself?  Either way it goes…. Here we go….

Do you believe in your dreams? When you dream do you listen to them? Do you question them?

I believe that my dreams are my conscience (is that the right word?) telling me whats going on. My inner self, my brain, my instincts, My gut, whatever you want to call it, sorting out the crap and showing me what I’m not seeing, warning me. Well, if I’m right then something not good is gonna happen if I don’t change either my ways? Way of thinking? Or what I’m doing?

So People that have read my page a lot have read that I’ve been in care, that my “real” parents are well, we’ll leave that blank. Really they should have both gone to prison but they didn’t, and even though I was 6 at the time, I still feel to blame for that. But that’s not what I want to talk about, this is….

I’ve been dreaming about standing in my mothers upstairs hallway, it’s only small, my brothers bedroom door is behind me, but I know he’s not in there. All the doors are closed. I’m standing in line with my mothers door and can see the bathroom door directly in front of me, with my room in front and to the right and stairs to the left. I see it from a child s perspective but, I am grown up in my dream. What gets me and, inevitably wakes me, is the sheer terror I feel. My eyes bouncing between the door handles and the stairs, knowing if I was caught out of my room the pain would be unbearable, and knowing it was bad enough if it was her that caught me but what if it was him? I’m desperate for the toilet in my dream but I dare not touch that door. I can’t move, my insides are a puddle, I know which floorboards to walk on and which not to.  Someones  coming and for some reason I don’t know where they are coming from. It’s like they are in stealth mode, ninja quiet, so silent getting ready for the kill shot. And I am nothing but a bunny rabbit caught in their headlights, a deer in their cross hairs. Waiting, heart beating a crescendo, so fast I don’t think it can go any faster, so loud I’m sure they can hear it. I can hear their breath but still can’t work out where it’s coming from. I can feel their laughter at this game of cat and mouse. I can hear the click of the gun as they take aim. I hear them pause at they factor in wind and movement. And I know I’m being lined up for the fall. The shot. Terror builds in me, a silent scream clawing to get out. My whole body screaming run. But I can’t, and just before it happens, I awaken. The scream still trapped in my throat, drenched in sweat, struggling to breathe. The problem with this dream is I’m pretty sure it’s my minds way of telling me that I need to remove myself from something before I “get shot”. It’s used something that will truly terrify me as its basis to show me. Slowly so very slowly, I think I’ve got it down to 2 things and, if it is one of those that my inner self is saying get away from? Then for once I just can’t listen, I always listen to my gut/dreams/instincts call it what you will but this time? All I can say is, if it is one of these two things….

Line up your shot assassin, I’m standing here…. Line it up assassin, I’m dead in your cross hairs….

Take the shot….

 

.x.

 

 

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.x.

~ I hope…. ~

I hope one day
someone intoxicates you,
I hope they make your skin burn with just a look a touch
make your veins flame right through,
I hope this person you feel
can you have never,
And that it doesn’t matter the years
you always feel about them forever,
I hope their voice
tips your balance inside,
So your grip on normality
momentarily goes on the slide,
I hope their smell makes you weak
their words the power to break your heart,
And above all
above all….
I hope they realise the effect
they have on you,
And that they fall so deeply
in love with you to….

.x.

Found this….

image

I found this on facebook and thought I’d share it here. I think it’s true, our demons don’t need to play nice with everyone or even anyone and some can be scary as fuck but, I also think that when you meet that certain someone who sets your veins aflame, your demons will play happily in their fire….

.x.

I agree there is….

image

.x.

Just a little thought….

They say that
  The best poets
       Are heartbroken….

Every time you
   Break my heart
       The best words spill
            So maybe it’s true….

So will you take me
   Will you make me
       Will you break my heart
            Once more….?

Will you crush me
   Will you break me
       Leave me bleeding
            On the floor….

.x.

For  ……  .x.

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