Tag Archive: Spirit


Part 2….

So I wasn’t really sure whether to write on here again? Is it a good idea? I don’t know…. So much has happened since November.

I’m fighting depression -and yeah I know I’ve said in posts on here that I don’t have depression- cuz to me to admit is to say I am weak, and weakness, is unacceptable. I stopped taking my tablets just before christmas. I didn’t like how they made me feel,think, how they numbed the edges of real, how they fuzzed the edges of squares and made them all freaky circles. I cared, I functioned normal but, I just wasn’t bothered, didn’t want to argue, didn’t have an opinion. I just was….

So new tablets and new doc to talk to ( I don’t like the “P” word or maybe it’s just the “IST” bit I don’t like? I don’t know.)  This new docs ok, he has taken the time to read my file but most importantly is taking his time letting me talk and not asking about the fuck off huge Demon playing with fire glaring menacingly in the room. I think maybe that’s why I don’t like Mental health professionals. The ones I’ve been involved with through out my life want to get from 1 – 10 in a straight line as quickly as possible and don’t like the fact that I have a half million obstacles to go around, just to get from 1 – 2 most of which have been created with the sole purpose so that I don’t get hurt.

When I think of depression, I think of people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I think of people that would harm others, ie kill because they believe there is no better life on this Earth. I don’t think of the everyday depression, the one that affects millions of people. Maybe it’s time I did? People with depression are normal, they can act, function and appear as though nothing is wrong at all. I did/do. My noticeable depression was when I “crashed”  just before Christmas about 8 days after stopping my tabs. Looking back I knew I was going to crash, the signs were all there, I just didn’t/never do, see them till after. When its to late….

So, if your still reading this, you may be this must of had a huge impact on my children? Strangely no. Like I said before, people can act perfectly normal with depression.  I mean they grew up with my fear of being touched and that I flinch if someone puts their arms around me. They’ve helped me fight this with out even knowing. Just by being them, constantly throwing their arms around me and in how much I love them and how protective of them I feel. So hugs are now becoming a little easier and I can give some to others without feeling sick. As for hugging my kids? no probs there.

So what next for me and wordpress? To be honest I don’t know…. I have some poems that can still go on here. The poem Part 1 to this, is only the 5th poem I’ve written this year. I don’t want people that read my page to see it all writing and say something like…. Oh it’s to much writing on here now, I only follow for the poems. Then un follow. I don’t want to make it to “gray and gloomy” either as you don’t need to read and then feel grim. I’m going to think about this today, what I want from WP.

Well if you got all the way down here then firstly, I should check your awake and most importantly you haven’t died of boredom somewhere along the way? Hmmm? pulse checked. airways and breathing checked. Eyes open lookin at me strangely? Yup, you’re good to go! Thanks for reading my spilled thoughts, littered words, rambling letters, and sorry for the numerous grammatical errors (Yup there’s loads).

Take care all of you out there at the other end of the wire.

.x.

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~ Men of the sands…. ~

Among the dreams of many

your footsteps wonder light,

Bare feet kick up sand round the fire

sword gleams illustrious and bright,

A soft wind blows down the sand dunes

flares up fine soft sand grains in its wake,

The brilliance of full moon shimmers on the desert

like a lake,

The air tingles with quiet

contemplated prayer,

Tomorrow by first light

you will not have known they were there,

The shadows of the desert

men who footprints they leave none,

A glimps of ghostly echoed flame at night

but no shadows in the sun….

.x.

~ He plays Bach…. ~

Oh piano player

your fingers do take flight,

The white the black the black the white

you set my soul alight,

Caressed keys cascade the melody

that makes my being swell,

And then you play my favourite song

and so the tear drops fell,

You weave a simple story

intricately laced and told,

Captivating all around you

breathtaking to behold,

The room overflows with pleasure

at your magic touch,

You are merciless with the keys

giving your all to what we want so much,

When the show is over

our held breaths released for now,

We will talk about the spellbinding magic

long after your final bow….

.x.

 

No brave white knight to guide me

no light to shine the way,

Shadows closing in on me

and still I kneel and pray,

I pray that your the one 

who can take me from this harm,

Save me from this pain and hurt

deliver me to calm,

I need your healing hands upon me

to help wash away my pain,

Your strength your arms around me

like sweet soft summer rain,

This turmoil deep inside of me

is begging for release,

The storm raging deep within my mind

radiates through my eyes with fury and unease,

I stand like I’m a predator 

locked with in a cage,

I smile but I am given away

my eyes they blaze with rage,

My horrific cascading nightmare

cares for neither creed nor class,

He batters my defences

 shatters my world like glass,

The wind howls and I’m left kneeling there

afraid and all alone,

I’m lost and just can’t find my way

I need your strength to help me find home….

 

.x.

So true….

Do you dream….?

.x.

~ Cute Guy, Old Guitar…. ~

 

Oh summer sunset sun                          

you light the sky on fire,                

The red the orange like a flame                              

you awaken our desire,              

The dusk it settles in                

as you go down low,                

The logs and pine cones in the fire pit                                  

help create the ambience the glow,                                            

The chatter and the laughter                              

the meal has been consumed,                            

Music playing in the background                                            

and drinking is resumed,                                                                    

Around the pool a man chases a woman                        

before throwing her in,                

Laughing some of us strip to our underwear                            

others dive for a swim,                                    

The more sane of us sit around the fire pit                                            

we laugh and talk and smile,                                        

A cute guy picks up his old guitar                                

and hums softly for awhile,                                

Enraptured we all sit quietly some drink some smoke relax                                                

he’s been strumming in his own world and looks up with a start,                                

All these eyes intently watching                              

captured every mind and every heart,                                

He starts again plays a melody                            

that tugs at every soul,                              

We all listen as he plays so passionately                                  

all of us connected all of us whole,                                            

The sun it leaves the sky                                    

the candles we do light,                            

The cute guy old guitar his heartfelt songs                          

to carry us further in to this night….

 

.x.

 

 

~ Love….? ~

I believe in you                      

yes I do,                                          

I want you                                

need you so true,                              

You make me happy                                        

make me mad,                                        

Make me smile                                        

make me sad,          

Giving pleasure                            

giving pain,                    

Gonna drive me                      

so insane,                              

I feel you crawling                                        

under my skin,                    

Someone says your name                              

electric current comes alive from within,                                    

Damn                              

you must be a sin,                                  

I wanna please you,                      

Tease you,                              

Kiss you                      

lick you,                  

Suck you                                    

fuck you,                                  

Your mere name,                      

Drives me insane,                

Till I’m screaming                                

NO NO NO NO.                    

S.T.O.P.!!!!                                  

I pause take a breath stand still….                                    

I need to release this….pressure….                        

higher higher                                            

I’m giving off an energy I can’t control,                                

This is because of you I’m not whole,                      

And then I get a text from you                          

it starts with a “Hi.”,                                                

My senses explode                                    

I touch the sky,                                          

Bring me back                                

the flippin ground,                      

Hey emotions                                                  

I wanna be downed,                                            

If you touched me right now                      

I would give off such a spark,                                    

Together we could light up                                          

the never ending eternal dark,                                          

Like an explosion                            

a humongous shock-wave,                        

Please let me come to my senses                          

I’m sending out an sos somebody please save,                                                      

But no….                            

I don’t wanna be saved                                        

from my sea of senses,                                              

I like the real the edge                          

I don’t like pretences,                                      

I’ve stopped….                                      

Standing there                                

my fingers red,

The dripping blood                                      

but I’m not dead,                      

In my hand                      

the proof I see,                            

Just why it is                        

you intoxicate me,                                            

Your name its written                                

on my heart….  

Is this why thoughts of you                                  

cascade my mind,                                      

When your around                              

breathing is so hard I find,                                

I cannot look you in the eye                                                            

instead left right or down,                                      

Although usually                                

at the ground,                                        

Fuck this ain’t right it can’t be fair                                    

I go to pieces at your touch,                                    

I’m coming to the realization                        

you mean so much,                                    

I’m an addict                    

your my drug,                              

Its finally hit me                  

I’m in love….

.x.

~ The clearing…. ~

 

Stars they shine                                    

on the lake so bright,                                    

Stardust on the water                    

bringing luminescence to this night,                                        

Faeries fly in and out of the dust                                              

as it does fall,                      

Its branches drink the water                              

the willow elegant and tall,                                                

The smell of  chestnut oak, silver birch                                        

and damp soil fill the air,                                

A spider cocoons a moth                    

with never a care,                                    

A symphony by the crickets              

plays at the oak trees base,                                        

A family of bats they listen quietly                                      

eyes closed serene of face,                              

An owl sits on the highest branch                              

looking for a midnight snack,                                                

He spies a small mouse scurrying                        

and with a swoop is on the attack,                          

A lone doe drinks at                              

the waters edge,                            

The stag on the look out                        

stands near the hedge,                                    

Baby bunnies jump in clover                      

some stand and sniff the air,                            

Their mother makes a noise                      

a warning to beware,                            

A magpie flies in                                    

beak full of silver stardust,                                      

To own the things that sparkle                                    

for him is a must,                                              

A male thrush twitches                                        

in his nest,                              

The female keeps their eggs covered                      

but nestles into his chest,                              

The moon shines in this clearing                                

captures this rare sight,                                        

Softest breeze echoes barest words                                         

as mother nature says goodnight….    

                    

.x.

Come walk with me in silence

let us just hold hands,

We’ll walk down to the waters edge

draw our initials in wet sands,

Laughing as we watch

the summer sunset glow,

The air is getting cooler and the wind

begins to blow,

You put your arm around me

as we head back to the car,

Beside you it feels forever

but it isn’t very far,

I watch you as you change gears

the road your eyes upon,

I can’t help myself but smile

as I realize my heart to you belong….

 

.x.

 

 

~ .. …. ~

Sometimes I feel                            

if I could just bleed,                          

It would take away this hurt                        

this need,                                    

Life is a bunch                                      

of tiny thread,                                

And when they all break                        

you end up dead,                    

Choosing the way                                    

with so many mistakes,                              

I push and push                            

until it all breaks,                                        

Holding the knife                                

against my skin,                                

Then the pain slips out                      

and I’m better within,                                    

Lying on a towel                                

on the floor,                                    

I gaze at the window I                                            

see outside the door,                            

The pain makes me realize                                          

this is me I’m real,                                              

And gives the warm fuzzy feeling                                    

I long to feel,                                

This is a happiness                        

that I can keep,                                                  

At last I smile                                  

as I find peaceful sleep….

The title of this was originally called ~ To Late ~

.x.

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