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…Cracks…

Filed under: Thoughts — Leave a comment

September 20, 2021

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

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…shadows…

Filed under: Writing — 1 Comment

September 19, 2021

I see them the shadows

as they flit across the room,

Wreaking havoc in crevices

forboding luminescence in the gloom,

In the pained darkness in their stupor

their screams,

Slowly cracks forming

as they rip at the seams,

They echo and bounce

thrown back against the gray,

They slink and they linger

always looking to find a way,

They softly purr

feather like against the window pane,

They screech at denile of entry

they howl like mournful rain,

They creep and they scurry

and they try to blend in,

From the corners you’ll catch them

see them try to hide like a sin,

They won’t leave

me alone,

They’ve made my mind

their home…x.

Tags: anxiety, black, Depression, Gray, Grey, mental illness., poem, Poems, poetry, shadows, thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. emotions

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Title undeserved.

Filed under: Poems.... — Leave a comment

August 3, 2021

Old gateway

cracked pillars holding bleakness,

Over grown uneven path

encroaching foreboding ceaseless,

Crowded wood’s

either side of the road,

A melancholic wariness

the scene has bestowed,

Trepidation

apprehension,

Fear and flight

at attention,

Bend in the road

curves behind trees,

The unmistakable sound

twig snap on the breeze,

Heart stop mind freeze

adrenaline coils tight,

Keep walking but fear grows thankfully

it’s still light,

The day slight overcast

a sense of heaviness in the air,

A russle of leaves a crow screech

an albino one so fair,

And there it is

the house comes into view,

A darkness on the landscape

it sits between two massive yew,

Ornate arched windows

glass reflecting light,

Imagine this place all lit up

like a beacon in the night,

Warmth of breath on your neck

a whoosh in the air sharp crack,

The people in the window your last glimpse

eyes fall closed rolled onto your back,

Eyes swim into focus

roadside against a tree on the floor,

How’d you get here dreams of a house

your head hurts more and more,

Stand look across there’s an old gateway

cracked pillars iron gates shut tight,

It’s dark but you swear oh you swear

you’re being watched on this night,

Your car covered in debris and leaves

it was shiny clean when you stopped,

Looks like it’s sat here for weeks

a note under windscreen propped,

Forget

it says,

The wind brushes around you

hits the car and it sways,

Key already in the ignition

why would you leave it there,

Back out onto the road lights they catch

the dark eyes such a glare,

No one there but you feel it

you bare a mark,

You’ve been tagged by a hunter

you’ve be chosen by the dark…

Ugh… I had this pretty planned out but the last 10 lines have gone to poop so am quitting it. I’ll probably find this in a 6 months or so, lose my crap at how bad it is and rewrite it better. But for now? Here you go… more words that I don’t like. I swear I can’t write for sh@t just lately. Sigh… oh well… another day I guess… sending you all a hug through the wire.x.

Tags: blogging, blogs, Depression, give up., poem, Poems, poetry, Story, Words, Writing

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Happened again…

Filed under: Writing — 4 Comments

July 14, 2021

I dream of dragons

and fearless knights,

Witches and Warlocks

fairytale delights,

Fae and Werewolves

inquisitive eyes glow,

They walk so quietly

howl each other down low,

Then head tipped up

with a howl so high,

Watch Demons and nightmares

glide across the sky,

Paws hit the dirt

a galloping roar,

The coming of

a ferocious war,

Teeth snap fur flies

power and rage,

Healers heal witches chant

words from a forgotten age,

Annnndddd… again I’ve lost my thread… if I can come back to this and finish it? I’ll delete and repost but? I wanted to post this to show that this, this above, is what keeps happening. My drafts are full of stuff not finished. Too many untitled and titled posts. All because I lose the threads. I lose the magic that is weaving so eloquently down my veins.

I’ve written quite a few times about wolves. Do I believe in fairytales? Fairytales are stories, all stories come from truths told in different ways. Each truth woven throughout time into the Fairytales we love today. Without seeming even more loony than I already come as? I’ll just say I have reason to be open minded to things. Just because we can’t see something? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, whether paranormal or supernatural. Ok I sound nuts…

Anyway… another poem for the unfinished list. …sigh… I’ll try again. Always tomorrow right? Maybe I’ll write better then… its disheartening to me just lately… I look at some blogs and they post sometimes 2 or 3 poems a day, like how are you doing that?! I struggle with posting 1 a day! Am I doing it wrong? Is it because I write it straight onto here and not on paper first? (Paper copy comes after I hit post). Hmmm….? I don’t know…

I guess in other really boring news? I went out Monday. I mean actually out walking. I was 5mins from home. I went with the eldest girl who understands my anxieties and is amazing at trying to remove my mind to other things. She holds hands, links arms and when I’m repeating I need to go home like a mantra? She’s telling me I can do it. She was brilliant Monday. It was about 9pm and we left the driveway turning left to the alleyway. That’s when it started, it started getting harder to breathe, I could feel my chest tightening and it hurt, my head started pounding and I was starting to feel dizzy. It was harder to get words out, tears started. And people wonder why I don’t go out? Honestly I love nature. Trees and fields and streams and rivers and walking without ever seeing another soul. Because that’s my fear… people. It’s not the going out, it’s people. I don’t want to be near people. Not anyone. You don’t live in my house? Go away from me. There are a few safe people but even a few of those are now no longer safe. I can’t explain this… this irrational fear of people…

Grrrrrr…

I hope your day is a great one today. I really do. I hope its good to you. Because good days are always the best. Whether its something big rhat makes us smile or something small and seemingly insignificant like a flower or a bee(I love both!). Whatever makes you smile? I hope you see it today because we all need a smile. Sending you all a hug.x.

Tags: anxiety anxieties, diary, hope, Life, mental-health, poem, Poems, poetry, thoughts. feeling. words. blogs. blogging. emotions., Writing

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The Cheater’s broken toy…

Filed under: Poems.... — Leave a comment

July 13, 2021

You….

You took a blade
And carved my skin,
You used your talent
The perfect sin,
You made me fall
So deep in love,
That I would rate you
From above,
You played your game
I’m just a toy,
Here for boredom
For you to enjoy,
Someone online
Just a game,
Here until
Your enjoyment wane,
There was just one thing
You did so wrong,
You opened my heart
You gave it a song….

So now my heart
Is on the floor,
And you don’t give
A fuck anymore,
If I bleed or
If I’ve cried,
Because your toy is gone
Game died,
Tell me are you so empty inside
That you just don’t care,
And all those sweet nothings that you’ve said
Did all my words you share,
Was anything real
At all,
Or was it just a laugh
To let me fall,
Was I a pastime
For when you’re bored,
When you are all
I have adored,
So break my heart
I do love you,
I always will
Those words so true….

Tags: blogging, blogs, broken hearted, cheating, emotions, poem, Poems, poetry, relationships, Words, Writing

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405

Filed under: Little Thoughts. — Leave a comment

July 7, 2021

Sat here thinking about you..

your the only anchor in the storm that’s in my mind…

everything else moves and whirls in my sea of thoughts and emotions but not you,

your steady and unmoving.

I hear your voice in my mind,

soft and quiet, and yet clear.

I see the ghost of your smile as your there steady and strong.

Everything else is picked up and thrown around by my thoughts and emotions as a storm kicks up in my mind…

but not you.

You don’t move. Still and steady and strong.

Like an anchor…

.x.

Tags: Little thoughts, love. thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. emotions, poem, Poems, poetry

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404

Filed under: Little Thoughts. — Leave a comment

Your my pleasure
your my pain,
Your endless summer
refreshing rain,
Your my darkness
elernal light,
Your my daytime
and my night,
Your my heart
and your my soul,
For you I hunger
you own me whole,
I guess your in my life
sent from above,
For I have
eternal love….
.x.

Tags: Little thoughts, love. thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. emotions, poem, Poems, poetry

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403

Filed under: Little Thoughts. — Leave a comment

July 5, 2021

My heart always writes you into books,

books bound with my bones for spines

and inks made of blood.

Weaving enchantingly glorious technicolour

words across my skin.

And I always wondered if you knew?

Did you know my heart puts you

into every story, poem, thought.

Puts your name in every page

of the books written

across my skin.

My heart the artist

and you?

You it’s only love…

.x.

Tags: emotions, love. thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. relationships. little thoughts, poem, Poems, poetry

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Lincoln Cathedral…

Filed under: Thoughts — Leave a comment

July 1, 2021

Pathway just a pathway

lots of people walking by,

Backstreets of the city

cathedral’s shadow in the sky,

The old and the young

walkright on past,

Happiness sadness

chuckles that last,

Different emotions

depicted on faces,

Strangers wander along

going to places,

Here I sit

in the calm,

Anxiety

not spiking an alarm,

Watching different emotions

depicted on faces,

All of these strangers

alone going places,

Can’t help but notice

how oblivious they are to,

Surrounded in sadness

by such a stunning view…

.x.

Tags: poem, Poems, thoughts. feelings. words. blogs. blogging. writing

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D.V.

Filed under: Writing — Leave a comment

June 30, 2021

Trigger warning ⚠️

Domestic violence.

The simplest touch
the softest word,
All those sweet nothings
the love that I heard,
Time it moved on
and I fell in love,
Thought you were the best
a gift from above,
As time it moved on I
lost friend after friend,
Til you were my start
and you were my end,
Then came the accusing
of every guy I saw,
And I never even realised
controlling more and more,
The first time you hit me
i felt such a disgrace,
So much mess and so much glass
blood all over the place,
You told me I was nothing
as you slammed closed that door,
And I laid dazed and hurt
amid the mess on the floor,
Time it moved on
those hands nearly every day,
And then after how much you loved me
in each and every way,
More time and we had children
they’re my lights I don’t regret,
Then that day with the axe
imprinted I can’t forget,
More years and that table
the spade car poker knife,
That night with the car between us
blood pouring begging for my life,
That was when I realised
that I had to leave,
You weren’t letting up
there was no reprieve,
Now for 2 years
we’re not together,
Although you still want
a me and you forever,
You say if you can’t have me
then no one else can,
And you repeat this often
but get it your not my man,
I am not weak
and you will not win….

This poem is inspired by someone else’s true life story. No… I am NOT tarring every man with the same brush and women are just as much likely to be the abuser, but because of the stigma attached to domestic violence against males? Its less likely to get reported. Abuse is abuse. I don’t care who you are. Don’t degrade another, everyone deserves love, safety, happiness and the simple necessities that give a good quality of life. Okay… even I have a couple of exceptions to that and I’m honest enough to admit them… If you’re a rapist or if you in any form hurt a child/children? You get what you get and hell would be too good of a blessing for you.

Soooo… don’t read this and bitch about the subject matter. I will write about every and any subject. Infact I think I might do a couple of writing posts to show that despite the fact I’m half the picnic short of a picnic and definitely have more than a few screws loose, I can write.