Tag Archive: Moving forward


Another day….

….Sleep….

  Do you sleep well?  I don’t, I dream every night. My dreams start out all different and oddly I usually always remember most of them. I talk in my sleep often and sometimes have full blown conversations with whoever else happens to be in the room trying to sleep.
Most nights I’ll dream about my Rider on his horse. I’ve written about him in many poems, he never changes, and I always run. I wouldn’t call him a nightmare, just a dream.
  Nightmares…. When I was younger, and I mean a lot younger (6,7,8,) i used to wake screaming and sobbing. I had to share a room with my older foster sister and she, along with the rest of the house became used to me waking every night screaming.
  As I got older they became less. My mind prioritised other things, other thoughts.
  When I was a child and I used to see a psychiatrist, she said that it was ok that my mind blocked out painful memories. I’d answer the same every time…. It may be ok now, but what happens when I have children of my own and I’m doing  something mundane like bending at the washer pulling wet clothes out, and all those memories start coming back?
The answer was always the same. You’ll be able to cope….
  For most of the time those memories stay behind walls all locked up. But sometimes, like now, they are back in my thoughts. Not really the waking ones, they cascade and torment my mind and dreams as I sleep. It’s hard to get rid of them. But I will with time….
   Last night was the first night, and I know it’s going to be one of many. I didn’t lay down to go to sleep until gone 2 this morning. I woke to the sound of my own screaming at nearly 4 am. Then wandered around the house for a while until I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor looking out the patio doors.
  I seem to end up here a lot. Just watching the sky get lighter. We get a fox family come into the garden, plus hedgehogs and the vast assortment of birds. Sometimes I sit there and write most times just get climbed all over by one or both of the cats.
  Today I’m tired. Really tired. But tonight I don’t want to sleep. I’m scared of the thought of what I know is going to happen. I hate waking up in the state I get.  So a few weeks of this…. I can handle it, I will handle it, I’m going to handle it….
That saying goes through my mind…. “It never rains but it pours….”
  I don’t want to go back to the doctor just yet and tell him how I feel, I don’t want to go back on tablets. I may feel like I’m drowning but yes, I am still keeping my head above the waves.
  Writing on here is helping, but writing always has been my outlet. That and pumping music through my veins….
 
….just keep walking forward
it doesn’t matter if fast or slow,
Keep putting one foot in front of the other
because that’s the way to go….

.x.

Yesterday….

  I wanted to write on here yesterday but I couldn’t so I just posted a picture….
  Yesterday I had to listen to all those stupid voice mails on my phone as I’d missed a call. Voicemail is annoying just like answer machines….
  There’s 9 on my phone and the 3rd one is from my mother. She sounds broken…. begging me to call her. She must have rung before I figured out the block function on my phone. I have this natural thing where I want to make people happy and smile. There’s nothing better than taking 2 minutes to give someone else a smiley moment. And most of the time it wouldn’t even take you 2 minutes….
  My resolve started to crack and yeah I should ring her, make her smile. But that doesn’t do me any good. It places me back at square 1. How will I move forwards if I’m going backwards? I didn’t ring her….
  Yesterday, as if he had somehow known, a friend messaged me at just the right moment and gave me the smiles I needed. He carried on sending messages throughout the day and it helped so much. I didn’t tell him and he doesn’t need to know, but yeah…. Yesterday was hard.
  I sat through a TAC meeting and could hardly think straight, you know when there’s things you have to do, things you should do. Things that are right. I spent most of yesterday thinking that yet again my biological family will think I’ve proven it to them that I’m a heartless selfish bitch. That I do this to my mother is yet more proof I’m bad. I know I shouldn’t entertain these thoughts. I guess it’s just the way my mind is wired? Anyone know of an electrician to change the wiring? 
My sleeping is basically non existent, my appetite has disappeared and my mind is dragging itself over jagged sharp painful memories that should be locked away behind layer upon layer of wall, and yet still I’m stumbling forward tripping one foot over the other….
  Last night I did what I do best, make other people smile. It’s easy to forget the things I need to when I’m concentrating  on someone else.
  I went to bed at 4 this morning and got up 20 mins late at 6:40 am. Will I sleep tonight? At some point yes. Will I eat today? I don’t know. Will I call my mother today just to make her happy? No. No I am doing the right thing. The best thing. And I can do this.
It’s funny how when 1 thing goes wrong, loads of things go wrong. There is so much going wrong in my life right now. It’s hard to keep a smile for the world to see but I’m doing it. My thoughts keep getting endlessly darker, but its ok to have a darkside as well as the light?
  Listen to some more music, make it louder, show the world your smile, and above all keep putting one foot in front of the other….
.x.

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