When I first started this blog… wait I cant call it a blog, it isn’t one, its a place to lay me. Its a place to let just some of me out. Its my place, I dont have to be anybody or please anybody. There are precisely 2 email followers that actually know me IRL no one else does, I’ve always wanted it that way… a place for me. A place I can Litter with my emotions. A place I dont have to be strong and confident and whatever other mask I have to wear… here I can break if I want to… anyway, when I first started this? There was one rule. Be real, be me. So over the years? I’ve grown. I’ve learnt about myself. I have come to terms with the fact I am emotionally damaged, that im never going to be able to fix that. That I have nightmares and beg in my sleep(quite a few witnesses to this), that I sleep walk and sleep talk. I’ve become friends with the demons that reside inside of me, that constantly want to envelope me in the safety of their embrace and pull me so far into the gray that I step off the ledge into the abyss. This IS me.
Anyway… I never posted yesterday, make up for it with 2 today? Okay one is written completely for someone else and this one for me. The last few days I’ve been quieter than usual. I feel the storm. I feel the invitation of the envelope of an icy cold hug from my demons. Its so tempting to give in and just step off. But instead here I am writing about it. I’m not ashamed to admit I have depression, ok I’m ashamed to admit its root cause. But if you had the seriously fucked up traumatic childhood I did? You’d be ashamed to. Ugh… sigh… so here I am… trying to let out some of the… hmmm? I dont know what? Just let some of me out. This here? These letters? They can be the tears of frustration im point blank refusing to let my eyes leak. “Crying gets you punished.” “Good girls dont cry. They smile.” Funny how things said to you as a kid stick. Takes a lot for an actual person to make me cry. There’s a few that can do it. But I can be absolutely breaking inside and wishing I wasn’t breathing and all you’d ever see is my smile, all you’ll hear is my happy girly laugh. What’s that word? Eccedentesiast… I should have that tattooed onto my body. Anyone know a tattooist in the UK?!
I’ve lost half the words I wanted to write on here where my brain has moved on to quickly and I’ve struggled to catch the words. I dont even know where this post is going other than its me spilled across the keyboard and splattering on the screen to run down it. Maybe I should grab a cloth and the bleach?
I zoned out there looking at the tattoo that goes from my wrist to my inner elbow, I really need one for the other side. At the moment all I have is the idea. The one I’ve got started as an idea and changed into what I wanted by the talented artist that drew it. I’m blabbering… where was I? Hmmmm? I haven’t a clue…
Are you still here? Gosh! You really are! And there are no poems in sight! You came for the poems and got me instead. Sorry. I dont even have a story 😞 i kinda feel I let you down. Apologies. The music is playing in my ears and I cant tell you any of the songs that have played forthe last hour as my brain has decided to latch its self onto the very first song and stay there…
So now? Heres a song for you…
Dishwalla “Every Little Thing”
🎶…I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time…🎶
I wish I could be
your dream come true,
Conform to whats needed
be everything for you,
But my smile
its painted,
This body mind soul
all tainted,
I refuse to be tamed
far to wild,
Im an ancient soft soul
with the heart of a child,
Dont touch me
I’ll break…
Ahhhhhh…! I give up… words aren’t my friend today… growl…
Is it bed time yet? I’m so tired…x.
Tag Archive: Mind
Stupid heart…. Why’s the damn thing got to speak up?
.x.
Sitting in this room
i just feel shame,
The therapist says they’re like me
they feel they’re to blame,
As we each look around
we’re all confronted with an imperfect mask,
To hide our dirt our shame
to all it’s our number one task,
The therapist gives a quick talk
and then it’s our turn,
We’re all on this road together
taking tiny steps we will learn,
That although there’s so much bad in this world
there’s still so much good,
And we’re right to feel scared frightened angry
and misunderstood,
It’s okay to break down and cry
and admit it was real,
That we were hurt beyond horrors imagined
we don’t need to be guarded here we admit that we feel,
No one’s going to mock you
for the horrors nightmares and screams in the night,
Here we understand why you need
to leave on the light,
An hours gone by
the breath in this room dissipates,
These walls so full of their stories
it calmly patiently waits….
.x.
Say it to me
these walls are closing,
Like a druggie I
just need dosing,
Help me rip
these four walls high,
Show me the warmth
let me see the sky,
I’m falling
into black,
The cold envelopes you
entwined from the back,
The cold the fear
the icy dread,
It’s you it’s you
you don’t belong,
Change path change track
find me a song,
Tripping just tripping
over a dream,
Funky horror-iffic-land
yet it’s not what it seem,
The people distorted
yet bad people you know,
For fucks sake wake up
it’s time to let go,
They haunt you they haunt you
the screams in your mind,
You wake up your still screaming
your still dreaming you find,
There’s shadows in the passage
they move about the hall,
The bed cover entangle around you
you run you trip you fall,
You fall
you fall,
Until there’s nothing
at all,
The beating drum
of a heavy heart,
Your hearing on alert
the breathing does start,
I hear the hoofs
like thunder clap,
The blood drains away
the energy sap,
Through the mist
eyes glow so red,
With you I wish
that I was dead,
Allways screaming
in my bed,
The heavy breathing
eyes eerie red,
The horse it snorts
a staggered breath,
You are my fearsome nightmare
a sight worse than death,
You point a bony finger
it caresses across my soul,
Then you laugh maniacally
and your sound consumes me whole,
Launch forward in your saddle
and I know that I must run,
For fucks sake please wake up
let me see the sun….
.x.
Wow doesn’t time fly? It doesn’t seem that long ago since I last posted a poem on here and yet it is…. I decided that as I was having so many downs and not enough ups it was best not to. I was and am, still writing though.
I’ve felt so sad just lately not depressed like usual, but sad, really sad, the upset kinda sad. The worst is I’m not sure why. I don’t want to eat, I can’t sleep and I have so much on my mind I’ve lost my light and wondered onto the path of gray…. I catch glimpses of my lighted path but the trees and bracken just keep getting in the way….
Hmmmmm? Now I’ve written it, it seems kinda silly but yeah, this is me and it’s how I feel. Kind of…. How can you be happy but sad? I don’t know but, this is where I am. Oh well. There are those that feel worse and if I feel like this, the only way left to go is up isn’t it? So I’m looking for the positive 🙂
I think I’m gonna go get my book turn my phone off, log in via the pc and post a poem…. ( it’s about time).
Happy Sunday to you all, I hope its a day filled with people and places you care about and that make you so happy. Much hugs.x.
Falling apart I’m just
falling apart,
There’s nothing left to grow
there’s nothing to start,
Like a fluttery beat
of a nearly dead heart,
I’m so tired of this
like a broken down cart,
Let me drink that bottles bottom
and then will I start,
Release the demon from my wrists
tear me my skin apart….
.x.
Walking up the holy steps
bare feet on silver ground,
I see the ghosts the hellion watchers
the deafening drums they pound,
They call they call
a sound so soft and sweet,
Their song swirls and caress’s
binds unseen chains around my feet,
“Come….” “come….”
these drums they call they call,
We promise no more nightmares
just gently you’ll fall.
I can’t help it
so easy to slip,
Like a poisonous drink
i just take a sip,
Back towards the vortex
so deep under ground,
Where hostility rages
where screams are the sound….
.x.
My masks
a permanent smile,
Deludes you
to think its worthwhile,
So clever at this now
i just look at the floor,
So you can’t see my eyes
walk through the masks door,
Inside me the scales are
tipping,
The balance overloaded
every things slipping,
My whirlwind is faster
losing control,
The darkness is coming
to swallow me whole,
And so I run I run
i run away,
My mind flips back
through yesterday,
When sunshine
it was streaming,
But now its all just
screaming,
Falling falling
falling down,
Scratch’s on my skin from the bracken
i hit the ground,
I run I run
i’m pushed on to run away,
Your not gonna catch me
no not today,
Deathly rider on your
ghostly steed,
Why chase and torment me
what do you need,
So frightened of you
a fear so great,
No courage to face you
faiths to late,
I wake up screaming
in my bed,
Drenched in sweat
from foot to head,
My other half shaking me
to stop wishing I was dead,
And so it settles
the icy fear the dread,
Please forgive
for all the things I’ve done wrong,
You’ve been playing this game
for so very long,
You torment my mind
you crush my soul,
Deathly rider
why not consume me whole,
You chip away
till I’m near empty inside,
Isn’t there a code
by which you have to abide,
Deathly rider ghostly steed
will I ever be free,
From your nightmare?
your endless chasing?
you truly terrify me….
.x.
So I wasn’t really sure whether to write on here again? Is it a good idea? I don’t know…. So much has happened since November.
I’m fighting depression -and yeah I know I’ve said in posts on here that I don’t have depression- cuz to me to admit is to say I am weak, and weakness, is unacceptable. I stopped taking my tablets just before christmas. I didn’t like how they made me feel,think, how they numbed the edges of real, how they fuzzed the edges of squares and made them all freaky circles. I cared, I functioned normal but, I just wasn’t bothered, didn’t want to argue, didn’t have an opinion. I just was….
So new tablets and new doc to talk to ( I don’t like the “P” word or maybe it’s just the “IST” bit I don’t like? I don’t know.) This new docs ok, he has taken the time to read my file but most importantly is taking his time letting me talk and not asking about the fuck off huge Demon playing with fire glaring menacingly in the room. I think maybe that’s why I don’t like Mental health professionals. The ones I’ve been involved with through out my life want to get from 1 – 10 in a straight line as quickly as possible and don’t like the fact that I have a half million obstacles to go around, just to get from 1 – 2 most of which have been created with the sole purpose so that I don’t get hurt.
When I think of depression, I think of people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I think of people that would harm others, ie kill because they believe there is no better life on this Earth. I don’t think of the everyday depression, the one that affects millions of people. Maybe it’s time I did? People with depression are normal, they can act, function and appear as though nothing is wrong at all. I did/do. My noticeable depression was when I “crashed” just before Christmas about 8 days after stopping my tabs. Looking back I knew I was going to crash, the signs were all there, I just didn’t/never do, see them till after. When its to late….
So, if your still reading this, you may be this must of had a huge impact on my children? Strangely no. Like I said before, people can act perfectly normal with depression. I mean they grew up with my fear of being touched and that I flinch if someone puts their arms around me. They’ve helped me fight this with out even knowing. Just by being them, constantly throwing their arms around me and in how much I love them and how protective of them I feel. So hugs are now becoming a little easier and I can give some to others without feeling sick. As for hugging my kids? no probs there.
So what next for me and wordpress? To be honest I don’t know…. I have some poems that can still go on here. The poem Part 1 to this, is only the 5th poem I’ve written this year. I don’t want people that read my page to see it all writing and say something like…. Oh it’s to much writing on here now, I only follow for the poems. Then un follow. I don’t want to make it to “gray and gloomy” either as you don’t need to read and then feel grim. I’m going to think about this today, what I want from WP.
Well if you got all the way down here then firstly, I should check your awake and most importantly you haven’t died of boredom somewhere along the way? Hmmm? pulse checked. airways and breathing checked. Eyes open lookin at me strangely? Yup, you’re good to go! Thanks for reading my spilled thoughts, littered words, rambling letters, and sorry for the numerous grammatical errors (Yup there’s loads).
Take care all of you out there at the other end of the wire.
.x.
I feel….
Haunting melody
make it real,
Cuz stormy angers
all I feel,
Drifting thru a
dense dark wood,
So much chaos
so misunderstood,
Blinding shaft of moonlight
hits the course hard ground,
I’m standing at a
forked path there ain’t no way around,
There is not a sound
no inkling nor no clue,
Lost empty and left wondering
just what should I do,
Down each path lays hurricane memories
destruction pain fear self doubt lies,
Down each path the pain
the person the people that lay behind my thunderstorm the goodbyes,
Fragmented pictures torment
my mind,
Until closing me off from the world
pushing everyone away is the only respite I find,
There once was a time I
believed death was the way,
But then these nightmares win and I’m stubborn
so this bitch is here to stay,
And pills I guess they work
as long as they’re always took,
Until I have the courage to stand up and face them
from my hatred of myself and certain others I will never be off the hook,
So this is me I walk hand in hand with nightmares horrors unimaginable
my whirlwind is real,
The pen the paper words spilled emotions raw this is me and
I feel….
An empty space.... 