Tag Archive: mental-health


A chapter from the book of Nem…



     It’s 22:31 or because I’m constantly getting moaned at over using the 24 hour clock? 10:31pm. I’m in the kitchen(as usual). I noticed going back over my posts on here that more are written on the kitchen floor than anywhere else and it doesn’t matter which house… always the kitchen floor. My safe space in the house. This kitchen is so small that when I sit with my legs out? I touch the other side. But its my place. Always my safe place over so many years…
      I’ve spent the day today like one of those indulgent adverts on TV… you know the ones with some model like waif who’s wearing hardly any clothing, a chunky cardi and fluffy socks. Well scrap the model bit, I probably look like I could eat her and I’m nowhere near that tall. But a day spent in a MLP(if you know? You know) short strappy nightshirt, fluffy socks and you guessed it… long chunky knitted cardi. Dinner was my favourite comfort food, that just so amazingly happens to be something the kiddos love(THANKFULLY!!). and the only time I’ve actually completely covered my legs and maroon undies is when I put bottoms on to go for a walk in the fresh air and discuss relationships with my eldest girl and run my fingers along icicles…
    And now I’m here… the walk didn’t help to clear my mind. I want to cry. Maybe crying will ease this whatever it is inside me thats hurting so much. But I cant. “Good girls dont cry” remember. So here I am… what am I doing here? I dont even know to be honest… but something inside me is breaking and I’m afraid. I’ve been pulling myself further and further inwards this last week. I feel like the wire I’m pulling on won’t take much more tension before it snaps, and then what? I dont want to find out.
    There are certain things in this world I can’t cope with… dont give me a compliment, I dont know what to do with it and you’ll just get an awkward thanks followed by an even more awkward silence as the floor becomes the most interesting thing in the world. Even worse? Dont care about me. See if you care? It means I can let you down. I’m set up for a fall, you’re going to be disappointed in me. Its means I might, just might, let you in. If I let you in? I’m going to get hurt. I cant get hurt any more.
     Many years ago there was a woman, she had the biggest most amazing job that can ever be bestowed on a woman… she was a protector. Her job was to love and protect the a boy and a girl. She failed. The little girl grew up cracked and broken, she was pushed from pillar to post in the care system. She was failed again and again. She didn’t have the love that children so desperately need. But what she did have? She had a voice and that is something incredibly important. The boy? The boy was both mentally and physically disabled. His mental age and developmental skills grew to that of a very very young child and never went further. He had no voice. No one to protect him. He went through sheer hell that would forever be locked inside him with no voice to let it out. I am now grown and as much as possible have tried to move on and in my awake hours, forget what happened to me. But awake or asleep? I remember every scream from my brother, every disgusting vile thing I saw, every heartbreaking moment. That breaks me more than I have ever told anyone. Its etched in jagged pieces across me soul. The amount of times as a little kid I pissed myself in terror and then realised I was gonna get a beating for it or worse, one of their “friends”. So don’t tell me you care. You really want to do something? Be there and dont leave.
    Sigh… the music has ticked on and on as I’ve sat here deep in thought… look at the time… I give up.

…Fallen letters, broken words…


    When I first started this blog… wait I cant call it a blog, it isn’t one, its a place to lay me. Its a place to let just some of me out. Its my place, I dont have to be anybody or please anybody. There are precisely 2 email followers that actually know me IRL no one else does, I’ve always wanted it that way… a place for me. A place I can Litter with my emotions. A place I dont have to be strong and confident and whatever other mask I have to wear… here I can break if I want to…  anyway, when I first started this? There was one rule. Be real, be me. So over the years? I’ve grown. I’ve learnt about myself. I have come to terms with the fact I am emotionally damaged, that im never going to be able to fix that. That I have nightmares and beg in my sleep(quite a few witnesses to this), that I sleep walk and sleep talk. I’ve become friends with the demons that reside inside of me, that constantly want to envelope me in the safety of their embrace and pull me so far into the gray that I step off the ledge into the abyss. This IS me.
    Anyway… I never posted yesterday, make up for it with 2 today? Okay one is written completely for someone else and this one for me.  The last few days I’ve been quieter than usual. I feel the storm. I feel the invitation of the envelope of an icy cold hug from my demons. Its so tempting to give in and just step off. But instead here I am writing about it. I’m not ashamed to admit I have depression, ok I’m ashamed to admit its root cause. But if you had the seriously fucked up traumatic childhood I did? You’d be ashamed to. Ugh… sigh… so here I am… trying to let out some of the… hmmm? I dont know what? Just let some of me out. This here? These letters? They can be the tears of frustration im point blank refusing to let my eyes leak. “Crying gets you punished.” “Good girls dont cry. They smile.” Funny how things said to you as a kid stick. Takes a lot for an actual person to make me cry. There’s a few that can do it. But I can be absolutely breaking inside and wishing I wasn’t breathing and all you’d ever see is my smile, all you’ll hear is my happy girly laugh. What’s that word? Eccedentesiast… I should have that tattooed onto my body. Anyone know a tattooist in the UK?!
    I’ve lost half the words I wanted to write on here where my brain has moved on to quickly and I’ve struggled to catch the words. I dont even know where this post is going other than its me spilled across the keyboard and splattering on the screen to run down it. Maybe I should grab a cloth and the bleach?
    I zoned out there looking at the tattoo that goes from my wrist to my inner elbow, I really need one for the other side. At the moment all I have is the idea. The one I’ve got started as an idea and changed into what I wanted by the talented artist that drew it. I’m blabbering… where was I? Hmmmm? I haven’t a clue…
    Are you still here? Gosh! You really are! And there are no poems in sight! You came for the poems and got me instead. Sorry. I dont even have a story 😞 i kinda feel I let you down. Apologies. The music is playing in my ears and I cant tell you any of the songs that have played forthe last hour as my brain has decided to latch its self onto the very first song and stay there…
So now? Heres a song for you…
Dishwalla “Every Little Thing”

🎶…I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time…🎶

I wish I could be
your dream come true,
Conform to whats needed
be everything for you,
But my smile
its painted,
This body mind soul
all tainted,
I refuse to be tamed
far to wild,
Im an ancient soft soul
with the heart of a child,
Dont touch me
I’ll break…

Ahhhhhh…! I give up… words aren’t my friend today… growl…
Is it bed time yet? I’m so tired…x.

~ Group…. ~

 

 

Sitting in this room

i just feel shame,

The therapist says they’re like me

they feel they’re to blame,

As we each look around

we’re all confronted with an imperfect mask,

To hide our dirt our shame

to all it’s our number one task,

The therapist gives a quick talk

and then it’s our turn,

We’re all on this road together

taking tiny steps we will learn,

That although there’s so much bad in this world

there’s still so much good,

And we’re right to feel scared frightened angry

and misunderstood,

It’s okay to break down and cry

and admit it was real,

That we were hurt beyond horrors imagined

we don’t need to be guarded here we admit that we feel,

No one’s going to mock you

for the horrors nightmares and screams in the night,

Here we understand why you need

to leave on the light,

An hours gone by

the breath in this room dissipates,

These walls so full of their stories

it calmly patiently waits….

 

.x.

 

 

~ Mind threads…. ~

 

 

Say it to me

these walls are closing,

Like a druggie I

just need dosing,

Help me rip

these four walls high,

Show me the warmth

let me see the sky,

I’m falling 

into black,

The cold envelopes you

entwined from the back,

The cold the fear

the icy dread,

It’s you it’s you

you don’t belong,

Change path change track

find me a song,

Tripping just tripping

over a dream,

Funky horror-iffic-land

yet it’s not what it seem,

The people distorted

yet bad people you know,

For fucks sake wake up

it’s time to let go,

They haunt you they haunt you

the screams in your mind,

You wake up your still screaming

your still dreaming you find,

There’s shadows in the passage

they move about the hall,

The bed cover entangle around you

you run you trip you fall,

You fall

you fall,

Until there’s nothing

at all,

The beating drum

of a heavy heart,

Your hearing on alert

the breathing does start,

I hear the hoofs

like thunder clap,

The blood drains away

the energy sap,

Through the mist

eyes glow so red,

With you I wish

that I was dead,

Allways screaming

in my bed,

The heavy breathing

eyes eerie red,

The horse it snorts

a staggered breath,

You are my fearsome nightmare

a sight worse than death,

You point a bony finger

it caresses across my soul,

Then you laugh maniacally  

and your sound consumes me whole,

Launch forward in your saddle

and I know that I must run,

For fucks sake please wake up

let me see the sun….

 

.x.

~ Slipping…. ~

Walking up the holy steps

bare feet on silver ground,

I see the ghosts the hellion watchers

the deafening drums they pound,

They call they call

a sound so soft and sweet,

Their song swirls and caress’s 

binds unseen chains around my feet,

“Come….” “come….”

these drums they call they call,

We promise no more nightmares

just gently you’ll fall.

I can’t help it

so easy to slip,

Like a poisonous drink

i just take a sip,

Back towards the vortex

so deep under ground,

Where hostility rages

where screams are the sound….

.x.

 

 

My masks                          

a permanent smile,

Deludes you

to think its worthwhile,

So clever at this now

i just look at the floor,

So you can’t see my eyes

walk through the masks door,

Inside me the scales are 

tipping,

The balance overloaded

every things slipping,

My whirlwind is faster

losing control,

The darkness is coming

to swallow me whole,

And so I run I run

i run away,

My mind flips back

through yesterday,

When sunshine

it was streaming,

But now its all just 

screaming,

Falling falling

falling down,

Scratch’s on my skin from the bracken

i hit the ground,

I run I run

i’m pushed on to run away,

Your not gonna catch me

no not today,

Deathly rider on your

ghostly steed,

Why chase and torment me

what do you need,

So frightened of you

a fear so great,

No courage to face you

faiths to late,

I wake up screaming

in my bed,

Drenched in sweat

from foot to head,

My other half shaking me

to stop wishing I was dead,

And so it settles

the icy fear the dread,

Please forgive

for all the things I’ve done wrong,

You’ve been playing this game

for so very long,

You torment my mind

you crush my soul,

Deathly rider

why not consume me whole,

You chip away

till I’m near empty inside,

Isn’t there a code

by which you have to abide,

Deathly rider ghostly steed

will I ever be free,

From your nightmare?

your endless chasing?

you truly terrify me….

 

.x.

 

 

Part 2….

So I wasn’t really sure whether to write on here again? Is it a good idea? I don’t know…. So much has happened since November.

I’m fighting depression -and yeah I know I’ve said in posts on here that I don’t have depression- cuz to me to admit is to say I am weak, and weakness, is unacceptable. I stopped taking my tablets just before christmas. I didn’t like how they made me feel,think, how they numbed the edges of real, how they fuzzed the edges of squares and made them all freaky circles. I cared, I functioned normal but, I just wasn’t bothered, didn’t want to argue, didn’t have an opinion. I just was….

So new tablets and new doc to talk to ( I don’t like the “P” word or maybe it’s just the “IST” bit I don’t like? I don’t know.)  This new docs ok, he has taken the time to read my file but most importantly is taking his time letting me talk and not asking about the fuck off huge Demon playing with fire glaring menacingly in the room. I think maybe that’s why I don’t like Mental health professionals. The ones I’ve been involved with through out my life want to get from 1 – 10 in a straight line as quickly as possible and don’t like the fact that I have a half million obstacles to go around, just to get from 1 – 2 most of which have been created with the sole purpose so that I don’t get hurt.

When I think of depression, I think of people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I think of people that would harm others, ie kill because they believe there is no better life on this Earth. I don’t think of the everyday depression, the one that affects millions of people. Maybe it’s time I did? People with depression are normal, they can act, function and appear as though nothing is wrong at all. I did/do. My noticeable depression was when I “crashed”  just before Christmas about 8 days after stopping my tabs. Looking back I knew I was going to crash, the signs were all there, I just didn’t/never do, see them till after. When its to late….

So, if your still reading this, you may be this must of had a huge impact on my children? Strangely no. Like I said before, people can act perfectly normal with depression.  I mean they grew up with my fear of being touched and that I flinch if someone puts their arms around me. They’ve helped me fight this with out even knowing. Just by being them, constantly throwing their arms around me and in how much I love them and how protective of them I feel. So hugs are now becoming a little easier and I can give some to others without feeling sick. As for hugging my kids? no probs there.

So what next for me and wordpress? To be honest I don’t know…. I have some poems that can still go on here. The poem Part 1 to this, is only the 5th poem I’ve written this year. I don’t want people that read my page to see it all writing and say something like…. Oh it’s to much writing on here now, I only follow for the poems. Then un follow. I don’t want to make it to “gray and gloomy” either as you don’t need to read and then feel grim. I’m going to think about this today, what I want from WP.

Well if you got all the way down here then firstly, I should check your awake and most importantly you haven’t died of boredom somewhere along the way? Hmmm? pulse checked. airways and breathing checked. Eyes open lookin at me strangely? Yup, you’re good to go! Thanks for reading my spilled thoughts, littered words, rambling letters, and sorry for the numerous grammatical errors (Yup there’s loads).

Take care all of you out there at the other end of the wire.

.x.

~ Crashing…. ~

 

Today I’m crashing….

My mind emotions feelings thoughts

in free fall,

I couldn’t care less all reasonable thought gone

my happiness disappeared fuck you all,

Today I’m empty

void of thought,

I can’t remember what I’m doing

can’t remember the smile steps I’m taught,

I’m so tired

energy taken from flesh and bone,

Gray swirls around keeps negativity

i feel alone,

I feel so lost

so empty today,

My smile is gone

packed its bags gone away,

Darkness is calling me

smudges the edges of real,

Comprehension is gone

nothing makes me feel,

Today my heads

messed,

I struggle 

to get dressed,

Today I want to run

away,

I don’t want to be me I don’t want to 

stay,

Today I feel a disappointment

i feel hated,

Today I feel so low that even

unloved seems over rated,

Tomorrow I may feel better happier

or just the same,

I can’t guarantee I’m gonna be ok

i’m on depressions board game….

 

.x.

 

 

~ Crossroads to calm…? ~

Standing at the crossroads

don’t know which way to go,

Do I take it easy

or take it hard but slow,

All I want is happiness

but stability is the key,

No more shouting screaming walking on eggshells

no more arguments set free….

 

.x.

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