Tag Archive: mental-health


…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

411

410

Happened again…

I dream of dragons

and fearless knights,

Witches and Warlocks

fairytale delights,

Fae and Werewolves

inquisitive eyes glow,

They walk so quietly

howl each other down low,

Then head tipped up

with a howl so high,

Watch Demons and nightmares

glide across the sky,

Paws hit the dirt

a galloping roar,

The coming of

a ferocious war,

Teeth snap fur flies

power and rage,

Healers heal witches chant

words from a forgotten age,

Annnndddd… again I’ve lost my thread… if I can come back to this and finish it? I’ll delete and repost but? I wanted to post this to show that this, this above, is what keeps happening. My drafts are full of stuff not finished. Too many untitled and titled posts. All because I lose the threads. I lose the magic that is weaving so eloquently down my veins.

I’ve written quite a few times about wolves. Do I believe in fairytales? Fairytales are stories, all stories come from truths told in different ways. Each truth woven throughout time into the Fairytales we love today. Without seeming even more loony than I already come as? I’ll just say I have reason to be open minded to things. Just because we can’t see something? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, whether paranormal or supernatural. Ok I sound nuts…

Anyway… another poem for the unfinished list. …sigh… I’ll try again. Always tomorrow right? Maybe I’ll write better then… its disheartening to me just lately… I look at some blogs and they post sometimes 2 or 3 poems a day, like how are you doing that?! I struggle with posting 1 a day! Am I doing it wrong? Is it because I write it straight onto here and not on paper first? (Paper copy comes after I hit post). Hmmm….? I don’t know…

I guess in other really boring news? I went out Monday. I mean actually out walking. I was 5mins from home. I went with the eldest girl who understands my anxieties and is amazing at trying to remove my mind to other things. She holds hands, links arms and when I’m repeating I need to go home like a mantra? She’s telling me I can do it. She was brilliant Monday. It was about 9pm and we left the driveway turning left to the alleyway. That’s when it started, it started getting harder to breathe, I could feel my chest tightening and it hurt, my head started pounding and I was starting to feel dizzy. It was harder to get words out, tears started. And people wonder why I don’t go out? Honestly I love nature. Trees and fields and streams and rivers and walking without ever seeing another soul. Because that’s my fear… people. It’s not the going out, it’s people. I don’t want to be near people. Not anyone. You don’t live in my house? Go away from me. There are a few safe people but even a few of those are now no longer safe. I can’t explain this… this irrational fear of people…

Grrrrrr…

I hope your day is a great one today. I really do. I hope its good to you. Because good days are always the best. Whether its something big rhat makes us smile or something small and seemingly insignificant like a flower or a bee(I love both!). Whatever makes you smile? I hope you see it today because we all need a smile. Sending you all a hug.x.

Rollercoaster…

Emotions are a strange thing. I mean we need them they create a balance(supposedly), they allow us to express our feelings *picks up my mask* emotions are important(builds a wall around them). But… What happens when a person’s emotions become too unpredictable? What happens when they yoyo and become “wobbly” ? *calls in the demolition crew*

Imagine you’re on a rollercoaster. There are climbs, some to dizzying heights. There are swooping lows, some going so deep and down hill so fast that they are terrifying. There are loops and spins and thrills and anticipation and anxiety… then there are the parts where you’re just going in a straight line and you can’t see whats in front is it going to be a little dip? A little bounce? Or a sharp fall, like you’re free falling off the face of the earth? The straight becomes scary as you’ve no idea what’s going to happen. Anxiety builds in the pit of your stomach. Now imagine that the rollercoaster is in the dark with flashing lights and sounds and smells and memories blasted at you randomly, think of your biggest fears and worse nightmares, the depth defying soul crush despair and sadness and fear, but throw in happiness and laughter and light and warmth. Its all coming at you. Now add the fact the rollercoaster is going backwards so you just can’t see what’s going to happen next. Feel sick yet? Welcome to how my emotions are affecting me.

I feel like I’m currently walking a tightrope and I’m wobbly… I’m on that straight bit on the rollercoaster and I’m scared. I don’t want to drop back into the depths because that seems to be the only place I go this year. I don’t get enough happy climbs. I know what you’re going say… if I want to be happy? I need to think happy. I need to change what’s making me unhappy. I’m telling you that it’s just not that simple and I can hear you saying that it is… its not. And I really want to explain why its not that simple but you’ll never understand and if I opened myself up enough to explain why? Then I’m letting you in and I can’t let people in because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. I’ve been hurt so many times. I’d rather keep everyone out and not be hurt. I know what you’re thinking… That’s a sad way to be. But it’s not. It’s not because my fear of having that fragile child within me hurt again outweighs everything. To the outside world I’ve got my shit together, I’m just about always smiling. I’m quiet. But people never get in. No one gets near that fragile glass center that is me. Eccedentesiast. That’s me.

Here is different. Here on this blog, this space… its my safe place. Here there are no walls and I write. The most fragile form of me is here in the posts on my space. I crumble and build. Here I show I can give the love I so desperately crave back. Here I can rip my veins open and let my mind, heart and soul pour out. Here it doesn’t matter if I’m held together with broken string some days and good intentions others. Because Here I am safe.

So… here in my little safe place I have decided to make a nest of blankets and pillows and soft stuffs. You’re most welcome to come and get comfy. If you’re having a bad day? Come snuggle in. Don’t worry if you don’t want to talk. I don’t mind because I understand what bad days are like. If you just want a safe place to sleep? Here’s an extra pillow because I know how difficult sleep can be. If you need someone to listen? I’m here… oh… you don’t want to share with a female. That’s ok! See that guy with his head buried in a book? He’s like you. I’m sure he’ll listen. The point is that this right here? We don’t judge here. We won’t look at you with pity. We understand what it’s like to crumble and build ourselves. We understand the darkness and desolation. We understand the need for peace and quiet(and extra soft stuffs to get comfy in).

Now I’ve left you my thoughts… I’m going to leave you some songs. These I’ve just taken from my list that has played while I’ve written. I’ll try to give YouTube links for all of them. If there’s one thing I love? It’s music so I’m always open to a new song and I listen to every genre(not that this list is going to be varied). Here goes…

There you go… 12 songs in the order they played on my playlist as I wrote/stared off into space…

Sending you all a hug.x.

1

Hi… How’re you? How are you really? Not what you tell everyone else because you think it’s what they want to hear. But how you really feel. You can be honest here. I don’t bite…unless your cheesecake. Are you cheesecake? No? Okay. I won’t bite unless you want me to no! I mean no I won’t bite! So… how are you feeling? How’s your day been? How’s your week been? We’re on day 3 of a new month and we’ve got the whole month ahead of us. I hope its a good month for you. Are you tired? Make sure you get enough sleep. Well… before I start the next paragraph, I wanted to give you a little hug and a smile through the wire.x.

How am I? I want to say I’m good. I’m not. But I want to say I’m good. I’m currently sitting in a place (emotionally/mentally) where I’m just kind of floating and letting what comes come. This with me is never truly a good idea. I’ve looked back over the year so far and honestly? I’m not kicking it enough this year. I’m letting that darkness win. That I think is what people don’t get… my demons? I sit and eat cheesecake with them, we sometimes talk about world destruction. But my darkness? That’s That’s no. I fight it. I run from it. I refuse to admit its there. I ignore it. I get too emotional or my anxiety gets to high or my fears to great? I ask it for a hug. Literally I wrap my arms into the dark and beg it to never let me go because everyone else is gone.

Yeah I know… no one is ever truly alone. But there are many different forms of loneliness. Mine is fear. Go on say it, fear doesn’t make you lonely. But is can do… I fear people so bad that I push everyone away. People hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. Therefore no one can get close. My kids are an exception to this. But they are mine. I did that. (Yes I know I had help making them but he only helped with the secret ingredient. I did the rest!). I often think pushing everyone away makes me a bad person but I’ve tried to work around it, which is probably worse… my mask tother world.

Anyway… I haven’t cried in 3 days! Go me!!! I haven’t broken down. Oh… and I haven’t thought about ending things. So all that’s good right? Yeah… its good. But… I haven’t actually processed any feelings in that time either. Not processing thoughts,feelings and emotions? That’s bad… but I’ll get there. I will. I don’t know when. But I’ll get there.

So today is Saturday and I forgot why I was writing this… it did have a purpose but I’ve lost it… hmmm…🤔 oh well… it wasn’t important. Wishing you all a happy safe weekend.x.

A chapter from the book of Nem…



     It’s 22:31 or because I’m constantly getting moaned at over using the 24 hour clock? 10:31pm. I’m in the kitchen(as usual). I noticed going back over my posts on here that more are written on the kitchen floor than anywhere else and it doesn’t matter which house… always the kitchen floor. My safe space in the house. This kitchen is so small that when I sit with my legs out? I touch the other side. But its my place. Always my safe place over so many years…
      I’ve spent the day today like one of those indulgent adverts on TV… you know the ones with some model like waif who’s wearing hardly any clothing, a chunky cardi and fluffy socks. Well scrap the model bit, I probably look like I could eat her and I’m nowhere near that tall. But a day spent in a MLP(if you know? You know) short strappy nightshirt, fluffy socks and you guessed it… long chunky knitted cardi. Dinner was my favourite comfort food, that just so amazingly happens to be something the kiddos love(THANKFULLY!!). and the only time I’ve actually completely covered my legs and maroon undies is when I put bottoms on to go for a walk in the fresh air and discuss relationships with my eldest girl and run my fingers along icicles…
    And now I’m here… the walk didn’t help to clear my mind. I want to cry. Maybe crying will ease this whatever it is inside me thats hurting so much. But I cant. “Good girls dont cry” remember. So here I am… what am I doing here? I dont even know to be honest… but something inside me is breaking and I’m afraid. I’ve been pulling myself further and further inwards this last week. I feel like the wire I’m pulling on won’t take much more tension before it snaps, and then what? I dont want to find out.
    There are certain things in this world I can’t cope with… dont give me a compliment, I dont know what to do with it and you’ll just get an awkward thanks followed by an even more awkward silence as the floor becomes the most interesting thing in the world. Even worse? Dont care about me. See if you care? It means I can let you down. I’m set up for a fall, you’re going to be disappointed in me. Its means I might, just might, let you in. If I let you in? I’m going to get hurt. I cant get hurt any more.
     Many years ago there was a woman, she had the biggest most amazing job that can ever be bestowed on a woman… she was a protector. Her job was to love and protect the a boy and a girl. She failed. The little girl grew up cracked and broken, she was pushed from pillar to post in the care system. She was failed again and again. She didn’t have the love that children so desperately need. But what she did have? She had a voice and that is something incredibly important. The boy? The boy was both mentally and physically disabled. His mental age and developmental skills grew to that of a very very young child and never went further. He had no voice. No one to protect him. He went through sheer hell that would forever be locked inside him with no voice to let it out. I am now grown and as much as possible have tried to move on and in my awake hours, forget what happened to me. But awake or asleep? I remember every scream from my brother, every disgusting vile thing I saw, every heartbreaking moment. That breaks me more than I have ever told anyone. Its etched in jagged pieces across me soul. The amount of times as a little kid I pissed myself in terror and then realised I was gonna get a beating for it or worse, one of their “friends”. So don’t tell me you care. You really want to do something? Be there and dont leave.
    Sigh… the music has ticked on and on as I’ve sat here deep in thought… look at the time… I give up.

…Fallen letters, broken words…


    When I first started this blog… wait I cant call it a blog, it isn’t one, its a place to lay me. Its a place to let just some of me out. Its my place, I dont have to be anybody or please anybody. There are precisely 2 email followers that actually know me IRL no one else does, I’ve always wanted it that way… a place for me. A place I can Litter with my emotions. A place I dont have to be strong and confident and whatever other mask I have to wear… here I can break if I want to…  anyway, when I first started this? There was one rule. Be real, be me. So over the years? I’ve grown. I’ve learnt about myself. I have come to terms with the fact I am emotionally damaged, that im never going to be able to fix that. That I have nightmares and beg in my sleep(quite a few witnesses to this), that I sleep walk and sleep talk. I’ve become friends with the demons that reside inside of me, that constantly want to envelope me in the safety of their embrace and pull me so far into the gray that I step off the ledge into the abyss. This IS me.
    Anyway… I never posted yesterday, make up for it with 2 today? Okay one is written completely for someone else and this one for me.  The last few days I’ve been quieter than usual. I feel the storm. I feel the invitation of the envelope of an icy cold hug from my demons. Its so tempting to give in and just step off. But instead here I am writing about it. I’m not ashamed to admit I have depression, ok I’m ashamed to admit its root cause. But if you had the seriously fucked up traumatic childhood I did? You’d be ashamed to. Ugh… sigh… so here I am… trying to let out some of the… hmmm? I dont know what? Just let some of me out. This here? These letters? They can be the tears of frustration im point blank refusing to let my eyes leak. “Crying gets you punished.” “Good girls dont cry. They smile.” Funny how things said to you as a kid stick. Takes a lot for an actual person to make me cry. There’s a few that can do it. But I can be absolutely breaking inside and wishing I wasn’t breathing and all you’d ever see is my smile, all you’ll hear is my happy girly laugh. What’s that word? Eccedentesiast… I should have that tattooed onto my body. Anyone know a tattooist in the UK?!
    I’ve lost half the words I wanted to write on here where my brain has moved on to quickly and I’ve struggled to catch the words. I dont even know where this post is going other than its me spilled across the keyboard and splattering on the screen to run down it. Maybe I should grab a cloth and the bleach?
    I zoned out there looking at the tattoo that goes from my wrist to my inner elbow, I really need one for the other side. At the moment all I have is the idea. The one I’ve got started as an idea and changed into what I wanted by the talented artist that drew it. I’m blabbering… where was I? Hmmmm? I haven’t a clue…
    Are you still here? Gosh! You really are! And there are no poems in sight! You came for the poems and got me instead. Sorry. I dont even have a story 😞 i kinda feel I let you down. Apologies. The music is playing in my ears and I cant tell you any of the songs that have played forthe last hour as my brain has decided to latch its self onto the very first song and stay there…
So now? Heres a song for you…
Dishwalla “Every Little Thing”

🎶…I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time…🎶

I wish I could be
your dream come true,
Conform to whats needed
be everything for you,
But my smile
its painted,
This body mind soul
all tainted,
I refuse to be tamed
far to wild,
Im an ancient soft soul
with the heart of a child,
Dont touch me
I’ll break…

Ahhhhhh…! I give up… words aren’t my friend today… growl…
Is it bed time yet? I’m so tired…x.

~ Group…. ~

 

 

Sitting in this room

i just feel shame,

The therapist says they’re like me

they feel they’re to blame,

As we each look around

we’re all confronted with an imperfect mask,

To hide our dirt our shame

to all it’s our number one task,

The therapist gives a quick talk

and then it’s our turn,

We’re all on this road together

taking tiny steps we will learn,

That although there’s so much bad in this world

there’s still so much good,

And we’re right to feel scared frightened angry

and misunderstood,

It’s okay to break down and cry

and admit it was real,

That we were hurt beyond horrors imagined

we don’t need to be guarded here we admit that we feel,

No one’s going to mock you

for the horrors nightmares and screams in the night,

Here we understand why you need

to leave on the light,

An hours gone by

the breath in this room dissipates,

These walls so full of their stories

it calmly patiently waits….

 

.x.

 

 

~ Mind threads…. ~

 

 

Say it to me

these walls are closing,

Like a druggie I

just need dosing,

Help me rip

these four walls high,

Show me the warmth

let me see the sky,

I’m falling 

into black,

The cold envelopes you

entwined from the back,

The cold the fear

the icy dread,

It’s you it’s you

you don’t belong,

Change path change track

find me a song,

Tripping just tripping

over a dream,

Funky horror-iffic-land

yet it’s not what it seem,

The people distorted

yet bad people you know,

For fucks sake wake up

it’s time to let go,

They haunt you they haunt you

the screams in your mind,

You wake up your still screaming

your still dreaming you find,

There’s shadows in the passage

they move about the hall,

The bed cover entangle around you

you run you trip you fall,

You fall

you fall,

Until there’s nothing

at all,

The beating drum

of a heavy heart,

Your hearing on alert

the breathing does start,

I hear the hoofs

like thunder clap,

The blood drains away

the energy sap,

Through the mist

eyes glow so red,

With you I wish

that I was dead,

Allways screaming

in my bed,

The heavy breathing

eyes eerie red,

The horse it snorts

a staggered breath,

You are my fearsome nightmare

a sight worse than death,

You point a bony finger

it caresses across my soul,

Then you laugh maniacally  

and your sound consumes me whole,

Launch forward in your saddle

and I know that I must run,

For fucks sake please wake up

let me see the sun….

 

.x.

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