An empty space….

So I wasn’t really sure whether to write on here again? Is it a good idea? I don’t know…. So much has happened since November.

I’m fighting depression -and yeah I know I’ve said in posts on here that I don’t have depression- cuz to me to admit is to say I am weak, and weakness, is unacceptable. I stopped taking my tablets just before christmas. I didn’t like how they made me feel,think, how they numbed the edges of real, how they fuzzed the edges of squares and made them all freaky circles. I cared, I functioned normal but, I just wasn’t bothered, didn’t want to argue, didn’t have an opinion. I just was….

So new tablets and new doc to talk to ( I don’t like the “P” word or maybe it’s just the “IST” bit I don’t like? I don’t know.)  This new docs ok, he has taken the time to read my file but most importantly is taking his time letting me talk and not asking about the fuck off huge Demon playing with fire glaring menacingly in the room. I think maybe that’s why I don’t like Mental health professionals. The ones I’ve been involved with through out my life want to get from 1 – 10 in a straight line as quickly as possible and don’t like the fact that I have a half million obstacles to go around, just to get from 1 – 2 most of which have been created with the sole purpose so that I don’t get hurt.

When I think of depression, I think of people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I think of people that would harm others, ie kill because they believe there is no better life on this Earth. I don’t think of the everyday depression, the one that affects millions of people. Maybe it’s time I did? People with depression are normal, they can act, function and appear as though nothing is wrong at all. I did/do. My noticeable depression was when I “crashed”  just before Christmas about 8 days after stopping my tabs. Looking back I knew I was going to crash, the signs were all there, I just didn’t/never do, see them till after. When its to late….

So, if your still reading this, you may be this must of had a huge impact on my children? Strangely no. Like I said before, people can act perfectly normal with depression.  I mean they grew up with my fear of being touched and that I flinch if someone puts their arms around me. They’ve helped me fight this with out even knowing. Just by being them, constantly throwing their arms around me and in how much I love them and how protective of them I feel. So hugs are now becoming a little easier and I can give some to others without feeling sick. As for hugging my kids? no probs there.

So what next for me and wordpress? To be honest I don’t know…. I have some poems that can still go on here. The poem Part 1 to this, is only the 5th poem I’ve written this year. I don’t want people that read my page to see it all writing and say something like…. Oh it’s to much writing on here now, I only follow for the poems. Then un follow. I don’t want to make it to “gray and gloomy” either as you don’t need to read and then feel grim. I’m going to think about this today, what I want from WP.

Well if you got all the way down here then firstly, I should check your awake and most importantly you haven’t died of boredom somewhere along the way? Hmmm? pulse checked. airways and breathing checked. Eyes open lookin at me strangely? Yup, you’re good to go! Thanks for reading my spilled thoughts, littered words, rambling letters, and sorry for the numerous grammatical errors (Yup there’s loads).

Take care all of you out there at the other end of the wire.

.x.