Tag Archive: hurt


Why do you do it

hurt me this way,

You expect me to keep going

day after day,

I’m sick of all

your stupid lies,

Your torment on my heart

the way you pretend goodbyes,

Why make me cry

does it make you feel good,

You tell me I’m not listening

that your misunderstood,

And I say I’m sorry

sorry all the time,

And you say well what for 

and the problem it’s mine,

And things they go great 

for a day or two,

And then your here but your not

in that way that you do,

And I know what your doing

but to afraid to say,

I just let you carry on

when I should walk away….

.x.


Agreed….

image

Agreed….
.x.

Zieda….

 
    What do you do when you receive bad news? How would you react if someone you truly cared about passed away?  It’s not really something we think about until we have to face it. That’s what I think anyway….
    Yesterday evening my mobile rang and very unusual my 11 yr old son picked it up, he puts it on speaker just like he always does and the person on the other end says give the fone to your dad. He was in the kitchen with me. She says I’ve got to tell Nem something that’s going to upset her. I don’t remember the rest of what she said as I knew….  I wouldn’t take the mobile from him. I burst into tears. I don’t do well with emotion.  I grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out the door I don’t remember going to the shop. I don’t remember buying cigarettes.  I realised about an hour later that I was smoking and about 2 miles from home and still the tears were falling. I don’t smoke unless something is extremely stressful then, smoking is my release.
    I came home kissed my kids good night laid down with the girls until they were asleep and thought. I sat in the front room for hours and thought. I went to bed at 4 this morning. I woke at 7:20.
   So many of my happy memories as a child begin and end with Zieda. My granddad.  He lived a long time.  He saw alot in his life. He met all the great grandchildren that I gave him. As I grew up in care and spent many years with family out of my life, I can’t begin to imagine how everyone else is feeling….
    After our parents, who must be going through a personal hell, a never ending rabbit hole of emotions, comes us, our generation in the family. My cousins and I. My cousins grew up with our grandparents.  They were a constant in their lives….
    I can’t begin to imagine what they are feeling, what they are going through…. Where I, through practice over the years have learnt to bury and build walls to blank all existence of whatever upsets me and just be left with the lost emptyness. I don’t want/refuse to accept the hurt this is giving. I’m not immune to their feelings and I’m sure they must be feeling a hundred million times worse. A hundred million times more lost….
    My thoughts and feelings go out to them. I’m so very sorry for their loss….
    I just don’t know know what to say….

~ Time to push you away…. ~

Today I feel empty
barren grey,
I feel oh so mixed up
with the things that I say,
My feelings
are unclear,
The only thing I know for sure
is that I fear,
But fear from
what,
And should I really fear it
or not,
I know there are things
that I really should say,
But my heart it just says
push everyone away,
You can’t get hurt
if your on your own,
No one can touch you
If your all alone….

.x.

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