Tag Archive: Hope. thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. poems. poem.


A repost from 2013…


~… You …~

( In that moment….)

The smell the smell

the smell of your skin,

As I look over your shoulder

distracts me just enough sets me off balance within,

The feel of your shirt

your waist your back,

My mind starts wondering

off course off track,

Feel the heat coming off you

emotions hitch,

And I feel so dazed yet turned on

like you flicked a switch,

So close in this moment

feel through your shirt the curve of your skin,

The smell the feel the thin fabric

your skin the heat from within,

Your oh so sexy voice and the balance tips

and I am lost on every sound,

Until there’s nothing no thought but you

til I hit the ground….

.x.

For you….

you make my veins flame,

my skin burn….

~…My Love…~


If I sang you a song would you listen
would you read between the lines,
If I wrote you a story page after page
would you see the signs,
Now I cant
sing a love song,
Write a poem
think a thought,
But this feeling that you give me
its one that can’t be brought,
But I’m here right now
on my knees on the floor,
Not hiding just giving
this is me raw,
And I am lost so lost
to the sound of your voice,
It echo’s swirls around me
pulls me to you no choice,
Intricately intertwining
your words they do reach,
And I’m lost on the lullaby
your words they do teach,
And love my love
it blooms and it grows,
You being you
So softly words sows,
Your smile your everything encircle
softly surround,
Become my safety my home
as to you I become bound,
Open me
to stories anew,
And when they say where is home?
I’ll say it is you…x.

…Fallen letters, broken words…


    When I first started this blog… wait I cant call it a blog, it isn’t one, its a place to lay me. Its a place to let just some of me out. Its my place, I dont have to be anybody or please anybody. There are precisely 2 email followers that actually know me IRL no one else does, I’ve always wanted it that way… a place for me. A place I can Litter with my emotions. A place I dont have to be strong and confident and whatever other mask I have to wear… here I can break if I want to…  anyway, when I first started this? There was one rule. Be real, be me. So over the years? I’ve grown. I’ve learnt about myself. I have come to terms with the fact I am emotionally damaged, that im never going to be able to fix that. That I have nightmares and beg in my sleep(quite a few witnesses to this), that I sleep walk and sleep talk. I’ve become friends with the demons that reside inside of me, that constantly want to envelope me in the safety of their embrace and pull me so far into the gray that I step off the ledge into the abyss. This IS me.
    Anyway… I never posted yesterday, make up for it with 2 today? Okay one is written completely for someone else and this one for me.  The last few days I’ve been quieter than usual. I feel the storm. I feel the invitation of the envelope of an icy cold hug from my demons. Its so tempting to give in and just step off. But instead here I am writing about it. I’m not ashamed to admit I have depression, ok I’m ashamed to admit its root cause. But if you had the seriously fucked up traumatic childhood I did? You’d be ashamed to. Ugh… sigh… so here I am… trying to let out some of the… hmmm? I dont know what? Just let some of me out. This here? These letters? They can be the tears of frustration im point blank refusing to let my eyes leak. “Crying gets you punished.” “Good girls dont cry. They smile.” Funny how things said to you as a kid stick. Takes a lot for an actual person to make me cry. There’s a few that can do it. But I can be absolutely breaking inside and wishing I wasn’t breathing and all you’d ever see is my smile, all you’ll hear is my happy girly laugh. What’s that word? Eccedentesiast… I should have that tattooed onto my body. Anyone know a tattooist in the UK?!
    I’ve lost half the words I wanted to write on here where my brain has moved on to quickly and I’ve struggled to catch the words. I dont even know where this post is going other than its me spilled across the keyboard and splattering on the screen to run down it. Maybe I should grab a cloth and the bleach?
    I zoned out there looking at the tattoo that goes from my wrist to my inner elbow, I really need one for the other side. At the moment all I have is the idea. The one I’ve got started as an idea and changed into what I wanted by the talented artist that drew it. I’m blabbering… where was I? Hmmmm? I haven’t a clue…
    Are you still here? Gosh! You really are! And there are no poems in sight! You came for the poems and got me instead. Sorry. I dont even have a story 😞 i kinda feel I let you down. Apologies. The music is playing in my ears and I cant tell you any of the songs that have played forthe last hour as my brain has decided to latch its self onto the very first song and stay there…
So now? Heres a song for you…
Dishwalla “Every Little Thing”

🎶…I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time…🎶

I wish I could be
your dream come true,
Conform to whats needed
be everything for you,
But my smile
its painted,
This body mind soul
all tainted,
I refuse to be tamed
far to wild,
Im an ancient soft soul
with the heart of a child,
Dont touch me
I’ll break…

Ahhhhhh…! I give up… words aren’t my friend today… growl…
Is it bed time yet? I’m so tired…x.

I’m losing you

and I’m slipping,

Can’t cope

and I’m tripping,

Feeling interwoven twines snap

losing hope,

Distance distance distance

can’t cope,

I’m spiralling

not okay,

Can’t do this anymore

today,

Entwined within

my soul,

You’re what makes me

whole,

And this is so

not not not okay,

I’m struggling so harshly

loathing today,

I need to hit pause stop rewind

replay,

Just can’t take this today

Fuck I’m not okay

Don’t let it be I pray

In my heart you lay

Doesn’t matter what I say

Need you in every way

Hit pause stop rewind replay…

.x.

…For J.J.L. massive hugs.x.x.x.x

~…Sweet fantasy…~

All I wanna be is where you are

to lift my fingers and touch,

To hug you so tightly whisper in your ear

that I want you so very much,

To feel your strong arms

wrapped around,

Your steady heartbeat

the only sound,

To feel your breath

against my skin,

And how you burn me

from within,

To smell your clothes

the scent of you,

For you to see how you intoxicate me

so true,

I long to feel the fire

as your fingers blaze across my skin

Surely you must know

your the most delicious sin,

You wind me up

take me higher,

Brand my soul with your name

then set me on fire,

Eyes refocus

just a dream,

Kinda wonder

what does it mean,

Blush a little

oh can it be,

Got so damn lost

in sweet fantasy…x.

~ …. If …. ~

If all I could have was your words

then tell me what would they say,

Would they speak of a love story

repeat it day after day,

If you could choose one memory

tell me what would it be,

Think back over time and just choose one

find one that represents me,

They say songs speak when words fail

so won’t you find me a song,

One that I can listen to

when those nights seem so very long….

(To be left unfinished…)

As I sit in my favourite spot in the house my mind wanders to you. The music plays and I just let my thoughts wander along. Sitting here on the kitchen floor back leaning against the washing machine, knees bent and feet against the oven door. I never really noticed just how small this room is before, but here… here in this spot I always feel at peace. I always seem to take the best pics here and always seem to write the best sat here. I’ve had the most funniest and most saddest conversations here. On the kitchen floor…

.

.

Song… Ward Thomas “Carry you home”

.

.

Dark night

sky inky black,

Soft sounding train

goes clickity clack,

Travelling onwards

people like sheep sit inside,

Ignore all the sheeple

train in tunnel it does hide,

Gaze turned outwards

across meadow bare,

Soft tendrils of mists

swirl and stretch so aware,

Mist it gathers stronger

in dyke drain and field,

Car bounce its headlights

mist now fog does not yield,

Blanket the road

just cannot see,

Car screech at junction

a narrow miss to be,

Fog it spreads over

hedgerow and more,

To blanket a forest

so much thicker than before,

Fog entwines with magic

hide forest from all eyes,

Full moon watches on

with incandescent stars across skies,

For deep within this forest

tonight,

So deeply hidden

but with the moons blessing light,

Fairies softly glow

making lights in the trees,

The oldest of oaks

gives the gentlest sneeze,

Rabbits and hares

dance in a ring,

Birds still awake

so breathtakingly sing,

Deers softly drink

from elegant lake,

Mice voles and shrews

make peace with the snake,

Pixies dance

the night away,

An owl hoots a warning

of approaching new day,

Old oaks all give thanks

on the murmuring zephyr,

An echo of thanks

softer than a feather,

Dawn slowly breaking

glorious pinks and gold across skies,

Natures magical hidden world

away from prying eyes…x.

.

.

Song… Nickelback “How you remind me”

.

.

Still sat here mind

worlds away

I just keep thinking

Don’t do this today,

Don’t let your mind

Rake over memories of old,

Dont you know what you have

Is more precious than gold,

Ahhh… I give up on this before I start! Growl…

.

.

Softest of flakes fall

come to rest,

Temperature perfect

they settle so blessed,

Shouted words spoken

with sadness and dread,

I hate you how could you

I wish I was dead,

Anything better

than looking at you…

Door slams

gravel crunch,

Forgive me he implores

she had followed her hunch,

Car started tyres screech

she pulls away fast,

Heart hurting heavy

please don’t let this last,

Flakes come down thicker

a lot faster to,

Hide the icy road

a danger from view,

Take the bend to sharp

weight shifts lose control,

Heart thundering eyes tears

cars on a roll,

Land back on its wheels

embankment so steep,

Car starts to slide

its driver in sleep,

Her last split second

memories of love,

Please guardian angels

hear me above,

Car horn sounds

an eerie warning of dont go,

Car door slams

the screaming of no,

Footsteps pounding

night silence but horns scream,

Please please please please

let this be a dream,

Blood so much blood

landscape painted red,

Please don’t let it be

but there she is dead,

Hair splayed like a halo

face pale like snow,

Even in death

exquisite beauty aglow,

Body all broken

glass all life red,

Her very last words

I wish I was dead…x.

.

Written to… Lady Antebellum “Just a kiss”

.

.

I still sit here slipping through the songs, time ticking down the line. My thoughts going into overdrive as it tries to find order in the chaotic disorderly whirlwind that litters the landscape. The multiple layered warren of corridors filled with dank and dusty rooms for me to run down as I chase glinting evocative words singing sweet lullabies like a sultry sirens call… how can I refuse but to follow leaving plumes of dust in my wake. Anything for just a glimpse of some long forgotten treasury of grammatical error free penmanship evoking life to treasured words…. grrrrrr… my mind is going far to fast and I fear I’ll never catch these words I desire. So I stop. Just stop. Full stop. Dead stop. And I see myself inside sat in some long forgotten walk way slowly crumbling with memories age…

.

.

Smile your smile

one smile I melt,

Heart zappingly poetic smile

sparks tingle I felt,

Your arms

so strong,

As wrapped around me

all night long,

Whispering shivers

against my skin,

Trembling rush

sweet pleasure within,

Damn growl… quit this, its a no. I dont like it. It sounds the same as a hundred before I mean just growl… not for me not this time, I’ll peg it on a paper somewhere down the line…

.

Maybe I should give up for tonight? Maybe that elusive word or words I’m seeking will come in lucid dreams where soft thoughts spiral echos grazing across my skin… hmmmm? Maybe. Maybe not. Sigh….

Good night.x.

All those times I

just wanted to say,

So many different words

there must just be a way,

You’re my candle

in the dark,

To my fire

you’re the spark,

Your words like arms

they wrap around,

And I swear your voice

the only sound,

And there are days that I fail

at pushing the gray,

But you blow up those clouds

by being you every day,

I’ve fallen so deeply

over time,

So deeply you reside

in thos heart of mine…x.

Sometimes you know

some days are gray,

But I want you to know you’re cared for

each and every day,

And sometimes things

will look so very dark,

But I promise if you look inside

you’ll see the biggest spark,

You’re a candle

you burn so bright,

You’re beautiful and sweet

just look at your light,

And you bring lightness

to all that you touch,

Just wanted you to know

that you mean so much…x.

~ You… ~

Closer we get closer

lay in this heart of mine,

So afraid to tell you

you’re in my bones till the end of time,

Your words your voice they caress

through and across my skin,

Can’t tell you of the fires

that you spark and rage within,

And so you walk

the halls,

In this dusty mind

you spark these walls,

My light but you

don’t know it,

My love

so hard to show it,

Like you’ve found me drowning

in the deepest lake,

A trail of tears

left in my wake,

Encircle me

as I take my last breath,

Take me higher

as I welcome death,

Breaking free as I breathe

you in,

The warmth you evoke

my sweetest sin,

And in that moment?

I am lost…x.

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