Tag Archive: Hope. thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. life


Swirl….

Close your eyes my sweet

and let me sing you a lullaby,

I know it’s hard

and I see you try,

There are so many thoughts

and they swirl round your head,

Those thoughts they torment you

your eyes bloodshot all red,

My sweet take a breath

can you feel the sun,

Even in your darkness

the light on you upon,

It will get better my sweet

take a year month a day,

Give it time my sweet

don’t give up on you ok…

.x.

16-05-21 or 05-16-21

Random thing I learnt about USA… the date is written different to the UK. Hence the title. I don’t have a title for this post. Its just Sunday and I’m going to write. I’ve started but have been unable to finish a total of 11 poems over the last few days. Thats good I guess. But as quick as I grasp the words? I lose them and go back to floating here in my empty space…

So here I am… here. Right here… maybe if I shuffle out some randomness, just let my mind run along my fingers and doodle all over the phone screen… maybe just fudging maybe a fudging piece of fudg… yeah… you get the drift… I’m just a little frustrated at my severe lack of me. I say me because to write is me. Words are me as much as music is me and the words are there. The depths of powerful emotions that allow me to write are swirling there because some of these songs I’ve been listening to all day have been pulling at them. I know the words are there. I just can’t release them and it makes me more and more frustrated because I KNOW that they are there. I’ve felt them crash against the depths of me as they’ve ebbed and flowed. Grrrrrr… Growl 😠

Well since I wrote that paragraph above⬆️ I’ve moved rooms twice, whistled the purrbaby to come in the house. We don’t shout him. We whistle. And I’ve contemplated chamomile tea. Why is called chamomile tea when there’s no actual tea in it? Shouldn’t it be called an infusion or something like that? Its after dinner time so it would be the chamomile and lavender one not just the plain chamomile anyway. Yeah these thoughts aren’t going where I want them to. The song just ending is Fire Away by Chris Stapleton. Good song. Today has been a country music day and yep, I’m a Kane Brown fan. I know I know… I herd you choke on your glass of wine at my admittance of liking country… oh?! You’ve got coffee? Sigh… I miss coffee 😔 Black coffee ☕ mmmmm… yeah I miss that. But I’m caffeine free and decaffeinated isn’t real coffee. Oh… ooopppssss… you’re drinking decaffeinated coffee. My apologies. No offence meant. These songs are skipping on and currently none are hitting that spot that I need them to. They will. Given time…

Current song… Highway don’t care by Tim McGraw ft Taylor Swift.

…every time you look my way I drown in those deep pool brown eyes. You laugh, that sexy grin and I can’t help myself but fall deeper and deeper into you. And I see it, oh how I see it, you know exactly what you’re doing with each and every look, every smile, small touch… you lean a little closer and my breath hitches, I lose balance on keeping my body under control as a light shiver runs over me at your bare skin not so innocently brushing against mine, everything disappears around me as I struggle to achieve a coherent clean though. And you know, oh how you know giving me that oh so sexy smile…

⬆️⬆️ written to Kane Brown’s Heaven.

There is kinda so much I want to write but I give up tonight. I’m trying. Thats what I know… I’m trying. I’m trying to find a way to unlock those words and write like I breathe again. I’ve got ideas why I’m struggling so hard to write, but thats for another day.

I will be better. Thats what I know. That what I will be. Better.

Song to finish with… Slow dance in a parking lot by Jordan Davis.

If I could hug you? I would.

I read your words and wanted to reach out but I can’t. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. Because I’ve always envied you. You’ve always seemed to me to have your shit together. To be strong. I feel like a sinner because I sinned in judging your book by its cover and I should know better than that seeing as I’m usually only hanging on by a couple of threads. I should know better because I’ve perfected my mask for the world so no one sees just how broken I am. So that only a couple of people know I was very close to taking my life earlier this year. I should know better to judge I’m sorry. I’m sorry because its you. And damn reading your words, your posts… it hit me hard. I judged bad. Because I understood every word thats in those posts and I cried for you. Not in a bad way but because I care.

I wanted to ring you, message you or maybe even email you but if I rang? I’d have to talk and I don’t do talking. You might say how’s you? And I’d have to lie and say I’m good and push further into me. Blocking myself off more. You might message something back and then what do I do? Do I reply? If I replied you might ring. If I didn’t reply you might ring. My anxiety building higher as I thought about this a million different ways pushing myself towards a meltdown by over thinking but I can’t help it. I could email you but say what? How do I put it into words that I understand and your not alone and I care and miss you and I’m afraid to and your family and I love you. I can’t. I got stuck in my own anxieties and then got afraid. I failed. So I did what I know… I pulled further inside myself and built another layer around me.

And now I’m here again… Reading again. I want to give you a hug but this stupid touch thing has got so much worse. But at the same time its also weird… there are safe people. I can talk to safe people, maybe hug a couple of them you’re safe because I know your family. Because we spent years growing up together. Because I know you. Because I used to shout at you to get up for school. Because you used to take the piss out of the annoying brat that was me but at the same time? You got it first that I couldn’t cope with the disruption which led to me bawling my eyes out into a tin of dog food. Because you were a know-it-all but I looked up to you and wanted to be as fearless as you were(I’m never going to admit that to you though!). So your a safe person. But I’m still afraid. I’m lucky if I talk to 1 person a month now face to face that doesn’t live in this house. People are scary. Going out of the house is scary. I rarely go out anymore. But you’re safe because its you. Love you masses.x.x.

So here i am… still wondering how or even if I can message you. I guess its more im afraid of you replying. Gosh I’m such an awkward bitch… sigh… I don’t know what to do… in head? We go for a walk where there are no people(because I can’t have another panic attack because I don’t do people). We just walk and random talk but I need to get out my head where I gloss over all the bad. Stupid head… I should go to sleep.

For Jay. Love you and care for you always.x.

Thank you…

Today… This evening… thank you. Thank you for finally making me feel. To you they were just videos of your drive home but not to me. I saw the road signs, the trucks and cars and looked at the licence plates(because as they’re not English they fascinate me). Then the rain came down and I wondered if you remembered how much I absolutely adore rain? How the rain is my favourite weather and always stirs something in me. I flicked back over time over our many many random conversations… the latest again being food. My gosh we talk so much about food… recipes, different styles of cooking, spices, vegetables… sitting here a ghost of a smile pops up at our conversation about steak(which I still say is yucky and I don’t like it). But I’ve moved away from the point.

The whole point is you made me feel. Just for that moment I felt alive. With the hell I’ve been going through, the not feeling. How I’ve accepted this emptiness this devoid of feeling. You made me feel. I felt the rain hitting my skin as you drove your car talking about the rain. I felt those pitter patters rushing down and hitting my skin in sharp icy cold drops. I felt the small sharp sting and how my body shuddered at their touch. I felt the cold rain run in rivulets down me. Soaking my hair and running down my neck my clothes soaked to my skin. The goosebumps rushing along my arms and then across my body at the cold. My teeth chattering as my inner temperature dropped at being pulled so low because of the onslaught of rain beating down like tiny little knives. My hair trying to fight its hardest to curl back into its natural spirals as the rain soaks it pulling it all straight making me look bedraggled. All that from a few videos… You did it. You made me feel….

Its hard to explain it that soft stir inside me as something that slumbers moved just a little, just enough so I know it hasn’t died. Just enough to give me hope. And thats what I need… hope. Such a small word. Only 4 letters long. Such an infinite meaning… hope.

I’m having days and days and days and says of this… this greyness…

..I have wanted to give up more than once. I have been letting my anxieties rule me and have allowed myself to become comfortably numb. This fortified dam I have intricately built around me to cut myself off from everything and everyone. I’ve been so afraid of never feeling again. Of never writing again. I’ve been so afraid that I’ve lost my words forever. Because if I’ve lost them? Then who am I? To write is what I know. To be consistently surrounded by whirlwinds of words, even when I’m in my barren place. Those whirlwinds have always been there mocking and not letting me touch. But since February? They have gone. They left. There have been none. And that has scared me more than not feeling anything. Words, like music, are my blood. But you made me feel. I didn’t say much to the videos but? Here on my blog? Here I’ve written. Here I’m saying thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for random videos driving home and foreign license plates and roads and road signs, for trucks, cars, driving on the wrong side of the road, building and grass that usually gives up but instead is green because of rain, super straight roads and traffic lights above your head, endless presets on the radio and when your singing to the songs, the wipers going from slow to fast to keep up and car tail lights glowing in the pouring rain… Thank you for making me feel.

.x.

~…Our Book Shop…~

Earlier today I was talking with A…. and was trying and failing(so I was thinking), at explaining something below is a little of what I wrote…

“…The only way I can describe it is… imagine a dusty book shop. Most would walk past and go to the new modern one. Some would go in and have a little look coughing and complaining of the musty smells and how old it is. But us? We’d be sat on the floor of one of the aisles lost in the wondrous depths of some well worn musty book thats seen better days and yet to us its a dreamscape to a wonderland telling fantastical tales and painting landscapes, sights and smells beyond our fantasies and depicting smells and sounds that linger with every word, every page…”

A…. is amazing and understood. I got thinking about it and thought I’d give it a try at writing our bookshop.
So A…. I hope you like our bookshop…



          

                   ~…Storytellers Travels…~

Old store
on a busy street,
So many pass by
talk with people they meet,
Windows covered
in a slight layer of dust,
Looks kinda foreboding
not a building to trust,
Old golden lettering
faded by years,
Storytellers Travels
surrounded by gears,
While most pass by not noticing
some they stop and stare,
How come this dirty shop’s
still firmly trading there,
Few enter feeling brave
might find a treasure for me,
Musty smells and coughing dust
get me out in the fresh air free,
This shop is an enigma
a place untouch by age,
An ageless mystification
forgotten by modern rage,
A hulking great monstrosity
two stories looking down,
To eat up passers-by
or spew words and make them drown,
Enticed by pull of stories
she stepped inside the beast,
On sirens song she walked
eyes alighting on such a feast,
Down dusty aisles her fingers skim
books calling her one by one,
Following the call the loudest
her fingers come undone,
Four aisles over the book it sighs 
she’s found the one to read,
Lean against the shelf
anticipation and such need,
Feet slide down book opens
look up and meet a gaze,
Another lost soul just like her
under a stories spellbinding daze,
Two heads bent seeing wondrous
tales,
Fantastical landscapes
mythical ship sails,
Dreamscapes and fables
weaving incandescent threads,
Spiritually entrancing animals
walk in celestial flowerbeds,
Ethereal woods with
wise elder trees,
Admonish and berate
naughty pixies on their knees,
Birds of enchanting colours
fly through kaleidoscopic skies,
Scents of heavenly fragrance
enhance star spangled eyes,
Grandfather time chimes
in the dusty old book shop,
He moans its time for bed
but the Story weaver tells him stop,
He points at the story travellers
in aisle number four,
Side by side they sit
enraptured by the book upon the floor…x.

I hope everyone gets lost in a book every now and again. Happy hugs to everyone at the end of the wire.x.

     Okay, okay… its a very “in your face” title. No this post isn’t about a world over run by zombie children  but? Zombie children will feature in it a bit further down.
     So? How’s your week gone? Has the house turned into a scene from the lost Boys in Peter Pan? No? Then you did good 👏  Now you might think I’m being sarcastic but a parent I know sent me a great pic on Snap this morning of the “masterpiece” her super cute twin 5 year old’s did at half 6 this morning with the caption… A nappy!! I just went to change A….’s nappy and they did this🤬🤬 
       This got me laughing and thinking of my eldest 2 who I learned many lessons from, including just painting in plain colours and always keeping an extra tin to pain over  “materpieces” oh! and if they go quiet? Panic and find them fast. They are up to something(80% of the time!).  My youngest has got away with nothing, simply because 5 tried this stuff before her and never got away with it(ok the first 2 probably did out of sheer shock they did whatever it was).
       Anyway… has the start of your week been good? I hope so! If it hasn’t? I’m sorry, I’m here if you want to privately just vent. And? I’m seriously hoping it gets better for you.x.
       This week has started ok. Yes, I know there’s still the whole week to go really… I was listening to the youngest do one of her French lessons this week and she moans… “You’re repeating what we already know and its all blah blah bl…” (goes bright pink), “Sorry Miss!! Ahhhh…. I mean I mean… ahhhhh!! Désolée!” (Looks at me looking at her amused as I hear her teacher explaing that she must learn to use the mute button when expressing her opinions like that). Yep we had words. She emailed an apology to her teacher. But we’ve… done an aerobics workout(pe), I did that one with her. Funny as hell!

Hows the month been for you? Not long until the end of it and look?! Heres you still going and breathing and coping(even on the days you feel your not). You’re acing this month!

Went for a walk late at night away from people(I dont do people) with the eldest girl. The conversation turned to Zombies and how we’d kill them but I cant kill Zombie kids and babies so I’d just round them up and put them in a big pen,this caused a bit of an argument as she said no. They’re zombies. Kill them. No. I said. They are kiddos. Can’t do it. So then she says well they’ll just eat eachother! Sparking a bigger debate… she asks if I’d save all the Zombie cats? Ahhhhhhh!! Zombie cats?!! I love furry fluffy kitties… I CAN’T KILL THOSE!!!! So apparently I’m going to help Zombie kiddos, Zombie babies and Zombie Cats rule the world as I cant kill them. Who knew?!

I know I’ve been quiet on here lately and its because I’ve almost completely shut myself off from everyone and everything that isn’t inside my house/garden. I’ve needed it. I’ve also been thinking about these little thoughts posts… I know I said I’d just title them all little thoughts but, if I i post 2 in the same day or quick succession of each other? Would it make others that read it think I’ve posted the same thing twice? I dont know… should I post them as numbers instead? Wondering if I should go back and change the 2 I posted today to numbers instead… think I will. I’ll start at 400 that can be my zero.

The Cat has just come in to me and meowed his annoyance that I haven’t moved to let him out which has made me look at the time… not too far from midnight. Maybe some Chamomile tea? I dont even miss coffee anymore really.

OK ok Mr Bear! I’m off to let this fluffy house dragon out into the night to do whatever kitties do…

Sending all of you at the other end of the wire a hug.x.

The Darkest Fairytale

I dreamed I could fall asleep.

Sir'sbutterfly blog

#submissive #beautifuldisaster #life #love #freedom #bdsm #Dom

Mind of Sir

Diary of a recovering Dom.....

Young Indian Revolution Journals Pvt. Ltd.

An organization which stands for liberation of society from the dominant shackles put up by the society itself.

Scribbles... stories, poems, songs

poems and odd thoughts, stories and odd people

Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind

"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"

Inner Monologue

For when you just need to let it all out. Blogging about mental health, writing poetry and stories. Please do get in touch if you wish. Email and Twitter down below.

Memoirs of a Muse

The little things I wonder about, experience and document

Lignes invisibiles

Invisible lines associating ideas, creating images.

An empty space....

Just another WordPress.com site

Beautiful Disaster: A manifestation of trauma

"You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing" The Tell-Tale Heart Edgar Allen Poe

Pieces Of K Blog

Everything created is another piece of me.

Notes from the U.K.

Exploring the spidery corners of a culture and the weird stuff that tourist brochures ignore.

The misterman's take

life, liberty, love, and laughter

Sulaiman Hafeez

Jack of all trades, striving for mastery in quite a few.

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

PT Master Guide

Your Complete Medical Guide.

cocinaitaly

comida italiana

JackCollier7

how to be a better me.

Charliecountryboy's Blog

My reflections of life in general.

Batman Crime Solver

"Non è tanto chi sono, quanto quello che faccio, che mi qualifica" ________________________________________________ "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." ("Batman Begins")

Babsje Heron

Great Blue Herons: A study in patience and grace

Rivers Renewed

Restoring and renewing our rivers through poetry and wordflow.

Indian first

Expressing what one feels

ambroseandelsie

Serial short stories about Ambrose Smith, vampire.

Scribbled Verse

Scribbles by Afzal Moolla

Celler-Adocse

Festes i fires de Catalunya, receptes de cuina i molt més

piecemealadventurer

Tales of the journeys of a piecemeal adventurer as a discontinuous narrative

a.mermaid'spen_

I rant and write ;)

Aphorism with Abhishek

The stuff that matters

A Pondering Mind

A little of this. A little of that.

Heart Breathings

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." William Wordsworth

All About Life

Ideas and musings from a middle-aged 20 something

Blessings by Me

Frugal Living Tips & DIY Home Decor From My House to Yours

kiwissoar

flights of fancy from New Zealand

Leigh's Wordsmithery

Where Words are Tempered, Not Tamed

lauravent69

Welcome to my crazy world. Life, music, animals and misadventures with my twisted humor leading the way!

LargeRoomNoLight

Confessions of a Creative Energy Addict

I didn't have my glasses on....

A trip through life with fingers crossed and eternal optimism.

An Unexpected Muse

writing ... after parkinson's