So… since that last post I’ve been quiet again. That’s not to say I haven’t written, I have. I rhymed, I wrote poems, the words are kinda sketchy but they’re slowly forming like I’m breaking the block that has stopped them and torments them. I’ve had time to think on my last post, time to think if maybe I wrote certain parts wrong. Did I? Maybe… bits like when I blame me and decide I must have done something. I know in my heart I didn’t. I know because I would never. Because that isn’t me. I know and understand the difference between genuinely caring and whatever green light he thought I gave him. I am not to blame for his actions but I am dealing with the overwhelming emotions because of it.
I feel a little lighter since writing it out maybe there’s a truth to the saying “a problem shared” maybe… I still cry a lot but not as much. Up until yesterday, I hadn’t thought of death in 8 days. Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday I admitted that my grasp on control isn’t really there and that my young childhood fears are now my adult ones. I admitted that I’m alone to deal with what’s in my head and it scares me. Who’d I admit it to? Myself of course. If I passed you in the Street? You’d never know what’s in my head or how low I get. My mask to the world. We all have a mask in various forms. What’s yours like?
When you grow up in care it changes you. It alters how you feel and think about the world. It sets you just a little apart. I have in the past asked others about this and they’ve agreed. You might not agree, and thats ok. We’re all different. It’s what makes us… well us I guess…
So what do I do now? How do I take more steps forward? I’ve read a lot of self help books and articles and stuff about mental help. I need to keep an appointment and get help because I know that going forward only professional help is going to make me… what would be the word? Its not better because a pill or bed rest won’t cure me. Easier maybe? Lighter? I don’t know and trying to think about it is making me lose my train of thought… you know…? I come off as sooooo dumb sometimes but(and I’m not inflating here), I’m not dumb. Nieve? Yeah… I take a gold medal in that., but dumb? No. Sigh… there was a meaning to this post and I’ve lost it. For fudge sake… growl… nope… trains gone.
I hope to post some poems soon and I hope to be smiling more soon and I hope to be lighter soon… I hope a lot of things…
But then… hope is the strongest emotion there is I believe, because no matter how far down you go and how badly things go wrong and how bleak things seem? Hope keeps us going. Hope makes us try again. Hope says don’t give up.
And just in case I ever forget to hope? Well… I also know that compared to others? My life really is Sunshine and rainbows…
An empty space.... 