Tag Archive: Hope. thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. emotions


So… since that last post I’ve been quiet again. That’s not to say I haven’t written, I have. I rhymed, I wrote poems, the words are kinda sketchy but they’re slowly forming like I’m breaking the block that has stopped them and torments them. I’ve had time to think on my last post, time to think if maybe I wrote certain parts wrong. Did I? Maybe… bits like when I blame me and decide I must have done something. I know in my heart I didn’t. I know because I would never. Because that isn’t me. I know and understand the difference between genuinely caring and whatever green light he thought I gave him. I am not to blame for his actions but I am dealing with the overwhelming emotions because of it.

I feel a little lighter since writing it out maybe there’s a truth to the saying “a problem shared” maybe… I still cry a lot but not as much. Up until yesterday, I hadn’t thought of death in 8 days. Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday I admitted that my grasp on control isn’t really there and that my young childhood fears are now my adult ones. I admitted that I’m alone to deal with what’s in my head and it scares me. Who’d I admit it to? Myself of course. If I passed you in the Street? You’d never know what’s in my head or how low I get. My mask to the world. We all have a mask in various forms. What’s yours like?

When you grow up in care it changes you. It alters how you feel and think about the world. It sets you just a little apart. I have in the past asked others about this and they’ve agreed. You might not agree, and thats ok. We’re all different. It’s what makes us… well us I guess…

So what do I do now? How do I take more steps forward? I’ve read a lot of self help books and articles and stuff about mental help. I need to keep an appointment and get help because I know that going forward only professional help is going to make me… what would be the word? Its not better because a pill or bed rest won’t cure me. Easier maybe? Lighter? I don’t know and trying to think about it is making me lose my train of thought… you know…? I come off as sooooo dumb sometimes but(and I’m not inflating here), I’m not dumb. Nieve? Yeah… I take a gold medal in that., but dumb? No. Sigh… there was a meaning to this post and I’ve lost it. For fudge sake… growl… nope… trains gone.

I hope to post some poems soon and I hope to be smiling more soon and I hope to be lighter soon… I hope a lot of things…

But then… hope is the strongest emotion there is I believe, because no matter how far down you go and how badly things go wrong and how bleak things seem? Hope keeps us going. Hope makes us try again. Hope says don’t give up.

And just in case I ever forget to hope? Well… I also know that compared to others? My life really is Sunshine and rainbows…

414…

…Right now I’m dieing inside

just a little…

…Right now I’m crying inside

just a little…

…But its alright, yeah it’s ok.

There’s always tomorrow,

while I fall apart today…

.x.

1

Hi… How’re you? How are you really? Not what you tell everyone else because you think it’s what they want to hear. But how you really feel. You can be honest here. I don’t bite…unless your cheesecake. Are you cheesecake? No? Okay. I won’t bite unless you want me to no! I mean no I won’t bite! So… how are you feeling? How’s your day been? How’s your week been? We’re on day 3 of a new month and we’ve got the whole month ahead of us. I hope its a good month for you. Are you tired? Make sure you get enough sleep. Well… before I start the next paragraph, I wanted to give you a little hug and a smile through the wire.x.

How am I? I want to say I’m good. I’m not. But I want to say I’m good. I’m currently sitting in a place (emotionally/mentally) where I’m just kind of floating and letting what comes come. This with me is never truly a good idea. I’ve looked back over the year so far and honestly? I’m not kicking it enough this year. I’m letting that darkness win. That I think is what people don’t get… my demons? I sit and eat cheesecake with them, we sometimes talk about world destruction. But my darkness? That’s That’s no. I fight it. I run from it. I refuse to admit its there. I ignore it. I get too emotional or my anxiety gets to high or my fears to great? I ask it for a hug. Literally I wrap my arms into the dark and beg it to never let me go because everyone else is gone.

Yeah I know… no one is ever truly alone. But there are many different forms of loneliness. Mine is fear. Go on say it, fear doesn’t make you lonely. But is can do… I fear people so bad that I push everyone away. People hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. Therefore no one can get close. My kids are an exception to this. But they are mine. I did that. (Yes I know I had help making them but he only helped with the secret ingredient. I did the rest!). I often think pushing everyone away makes me a bad person but I’ve tried to work around it, which is probably worse… my mask tother world.

Anyway… I haven’t cried in 3 days! Go me!!! I haven’t broken down. Oh… and I haven’t thought about ending things. So all that’s good right? Yeah… its good. But… I haven’t actually processed any feelings in that time either. Not processing thoughts,feelings and emotions? That’s bad… but I’ll get there. I will. I don’t know when. But I’ll get there.

So today is Saturday and I forgot why I was writing this… it did have a purpose but I’ve lost it… hmmm…🤔 oh well… it wasn’t important. Wishing you all a happy safe weekend.x.

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