Tag Archive: Heartbreak


Song currently playing….

​https://open.spotify.com/track/3vledBz37cDTn57fdwQlKr

I’m not coping. I’m trying. Trying so damn hard to smile but that smile won’t appear. All that comes is tears. My emotions spin and click through a cycle I don’t even understand. I’ve always been an emotional person. That can be good and bad I guess. I feel everything to deeply. And with you? You’ve always magnified every emotion by 100. I have always loved you more for it. But right now? Right now I can’t cope. And these stupid tears? They don’t stop….

  I plucked up the courage to look in the mirror earlier. I look a mess. My eyes are all bloodshot and red. There comes a moment. That moment. That moment when your happiness snaps and disintegrates right before your eyes. If this is what loving someone completely, unconditionally, feels like? Then let me never love again. Let this be the very last time I love. I wasn’t made for hurt. Not hurt like this. I never want you to feel like this. You once told me that you don’t let people see the way you feel because they wouldn’t understand, they couldn’t. So you keep it to yourself, at the time? I thought how lonely that must feel…. but now? Now I know that I never want you to feel like this ever. I don’t want you to feel this destruction, desolation. 

  ….You think your going to be ok that your going to be alright and for those first few hours you are. Then it hits you. You start to crack, to break. You literally start falling apart. EVERYTHING falls apart. And you take a step back inside yourself as you watch helpless, you see everything crashing down and then this huge crashing wave engulfs you and all you feel is sadness gut wrenching heart breaking sadness. The kind that overtakes your very essence. It fills you and slowly starts to strip away layer upon layer of your skin. Tearing you apart. Pulling the very flesh from you. Tossing your organs on the floor. This huge monster that is sadness. It takes hold of your bones and crushes them one by one. And your just supposed to hold it all in. Your just supposed to smile and tell the world your ok when inside this utter devestation is happening. No. No I don’t ever want you to feel like that. But that’s love. Pure unconditional love. 

 I’ve just received a wordfued game request. I love that game. I play every day. The request? I can hear your voice…. I’m crying hard and trying not to. I can see every smile we’ve had playing that game. I miss you so much. I want you in my life. Without you there is something missing. Something dies. And something you take with you. And this…. I am left with this hurricane inside me ripping everything up and tearing everything apart. Destroying everything. You mean that much, it does this much damage. This poison inside me, the only cure I know is you. But you I don’t have. Part of me is dieing and I can’t fix it. I can’t cope with it. I don’t even understand it. 

The songs have skipped and I’m playing a different band. Every song is by “Nightcore” the current song is called “Let it burn” I like them anyway but I know your not keen on this particular genre so it won’t remind me of you. It didn’t work. Half the songs I’ve listened to so far have made me think of you. I even put one on the play list that reminds me of you. I don’t even know if you’ve ever listened to it. I guess you will unfollow me. In fact I don’t even want to think about it but to late, I am crying again. In a way I know I can use WordPress to write all this out because you don’t come here. I think you only ever came when I supplied you with links to specific posts. I van hear your words…. “You write so damn much woman.” But you knew, you knew that writing was/is my outlet. All those things i cant say? You’ve always known I can use words, I can write them…. It doesn’t matter any more any way. You are gone…. it’s just me and my thoughts left. Just me destroying myself on the screen as I watch the destruction within me….

  I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t even want to blink. In that split nano second I do? I see you. And I don’t want to breathe. That blinding pain with each and every breath. And I don’t want to hear because all I hear is your oh so sexy liquid velvet voice. And I don’t want to think because all I think about is you. These tears won’t stop and I’m trying so hard to make them stop but now I’m in the bathroom crying so hard that I had to stop writing I had to put the fan on and run some water to hide the sound. I can’t cope. I miss you. I miss you so much there is a coflagration within me and it will destroy whatever it can. All I can do is watch as all these elements wage war inside. 

The song that plays mocks me….  “Nightcore” “Hearts will repair” no mine won’t. You are carved so deeply upon it. Nothing and no one else matters…. 

All I can think of is you…. and the tears? The tears fall….

Little Thought….

….I was writing the word meant earlier
   and I wrote it the way I always do when I’m not thinking…. “ment” 
….Every time I ever wrote it you would capitalise the word “MEANT”  getting cross that I don’t spell properly.  Just like if I write in slang (which you don’t like).
….Why is it that it’s always the stupid, simple, unexpected things, that remind me of you the most?
….and why is it that those same stupid things….
        ….Always break my heart the hardest….

.x.

2….

image

So, so, so….
            true….

~ ….to late…. ~

….He warned her, he warned her at the start….
One conversation among many, he was honest and told her….
“….The path I’m on is a destructive one, I fuck everything up and so I do this alone. It’s just the way it is….”
“….Don’t get to close. You’ll fall for me. You’ll get hurt….”
“….It will start off slow. You won’t even notice. I’ll intoxicate your mind till you think of me every day. Till you wonder where I am what I’m doing. I’ll intoxicate your body, so that it comes alive just by my words, and you won’t notice til it’s to late….”
“….And lastly….Lastly….I’ll break your heart….”
“….I’ll break it soft and sweet and slow….I’ll break it a little more every day. Cutting you just a little deeper each time. But by then it will be to late. By then you’ll want me in your life so badly,  you’ll sharpen blades for me to cut you deeper….and I will….”
She laughed….That sweet sound of innocent unbelieving. But it was already to late…. just like an addict craves their fix, he was already curling around her veins, and she so unaware already hooked….

.x.

Today’s  playlist….
“Opaline.”
“Drawn Out.”
“Home.”
“Every Little Thing.”
“Once In A While.”
“Give.”
“When Morning Comes.”
All by Dishwalla.

.x.

Tonight I can’t write….

I try I’ve tried
but the words won’t flow,
There is so much emotion
within me,
The walls of this dam are paper thin
but they’re holding so I can’t flow free,
It’s like I need a catalyst something someone to tip the balance let me go,
That correct thing that will break me
and allow the overflow,
But what who or where’d I find it?
that I just don’t know,
I slide on
another song,
This night
it will be long,
I need a new scar
on my heart,
I’m unarmed  for all to see
line up your shot please rip through me….

.x.

Untitled….

Drown me down
just drown me my sweet,
Splinter me into a hundred thousand pieces
so that I may die at your feet,
Take that strong sharp blade
that is made by only you,
Take my heart do as you will
cut it cut my heart all the way through,
Let me drown in the bitter sweet sorrow
that only you my sweet create,
Break me my sweet
smash each and every jagged piece don’t worry this is fate,
Watch as my fingers bleed
picking the pieces from the floor,
But as soon as I have to many my sweet
destroy my emotions once more,
Everytime you make me hurt
you make the words pour free,
It’s like the poet in me needs your push pull
so that I can be me,
But no it is as far from that
as I could ever write,
You are a drug and I but a hopeless addict
clawing the walls of my own mind at night,
Wanting needing with this hunger
an all consuming passion of mine,
And yet but here I am cascading all over this page
suspending this emotion within the cradle of time,
And as time forever ticks forward
this emotional outpouring forever frozen will stay,
And will be nothing but a distant echoing of dust
something blown because it got in the way,
The very memory of my words will become nothing more
than a ghosted dream that caresses you on the breeze,
A fleeting moment that will give you but a nano second of pause
when you alone in thought glance at the trees,
So my dear sweet I hand you my never faulting loyal heart
to use my emotions as you desire,
Break me in a way only you can and allow these emotions to overflow
light but the spark and I will burn in my own fire….

.x.

I’d like to point out that this isn’t actually written about anyone. Just simply letting the words flow while listening to the songs below….

Written to the songs
“Unsteady” by X Ambassadors.

And
“När jag mår skit vill du har mig då” by Mimikry.

.x.