Tag Archive: Health


~ Ended…. ~

 

 

Falling apart I’m just

falling apart,

There’s nothing left to grow

there’s nothing to start,

Like a fluttery beat

of a nearly dead heart,

I’m so tired of this

like a broken down cart,

Let me drink that bottles bottom

and then will I start,

Release the demon from my wrists

tear me my skin apart….

 

.x.

 

 

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Part 2….

So I wasn’t really sure whether to write on here again? Is it a good idea? I don’t know…. So much has happened since November.

I’m fighting depression -and yeah I know I’ve said in posts on here that I don’t have depression- cuz to me to admit is to say I am weak, and weakness, is unacceptable. I stopped taking my tablets just before christmas. I didn’t like how they made me feel,think, how they numbed the edges of real, how they fuzzed the edges of squares and made them all freaky circles. I cared, I functioned normal but, I just wasn’t bothered, didn’t want to argue, didn’t have an opinion. I just was….

So new tablets and new doc to talk to ( I don’t like the “P” word or maybe it’s just the “IST” bit I don’t like? I don’t know.)  This new docs ok, he has taken the time to read my file but most importantly is taking his time letting me talk and not asking about the fuck off huge Demon playing with fire glaring menacingly in the room. I think maybe that’s why I don’t like Mental health professionals. The ones I’ve been involved with through out my life want to get from 1 – 10 in a straight line as quickly as possible and don’t like the fact that I have a half million obstacles to go around, just to get from 1 – 2 most of which have been created with the sole purpose so that I don’t get hurt.

When I think of depression, I think of people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I think of people that would harm others, ie kill because they believe there is no better life on this Earth. I don’t think of the everyday depression, the one that affects millions of people. Maybe it’s time I did? People with depression are normal, they can act, function and appear as though nothing is wrong at all. I did/do. My noticeable depression was when I “crashed”  just before Christmas about 8 days after stopping my tabs. Looking back I knew I was going to crash, the signs were all there, I just didn’t/never do, see them till after. When its to late….

So, if your still reading this, you may be this must of had a huge impact on my children? Strangely no. Like I said before, people can act perfectly normal with depression.  I mean they grew up with my fear of being touched and that I flinch if someone puts their arms around me. They’ve helped me fight this with out even knowing. Just by being them, constantly throwing their arms around me and in how much I love them and how protective of them I feel. So hugs are now becoming a little easier and I can give some to others without feeling sick. As for hugging my kids? no probs there.

So what next for me and wordpress? To be honest I don’t know…. I have some poems that can still go on here. The poem Part 1 to this, is only the 5th poem I’ve written this year. I don’t want people that read my page to see it all writing and say something like…. Oh it’s to much writing on here now, I only follow for the poems. Then un follow. I don’t want to make it to “gray and gloomy” either as you don’t need to read and then feel grim. I’m going to think about this today, what I want from WP.

Well if you got all the way down here then firstly, I should check your awake and most importantly you haven’t died of boredom somewhere along the way? Hmmm? pulse checked. airways and breathing checked. Eyes open lookin at me strangely? Yup, you’re good to go! Thanks for reading my spilled thoughts, littered words, rambling letters, and sorry for the numerous grammatical errors (Yup there’s loads).

Take care all of you out there at the other end of the wire.

.x.

Part 1….

I feel….

Haunting melody

make it real,

Cuz stormy angers

all I feel,

Drifting thru a 

dense dark wood,

So much chaos

so misunderstood,

Blinding shaft of moonlight 

hits the course hard ground,

I’m standing at a

forked path there ain’t no way around,

There is not a sound

no inkling nor no clue,

Lost empty and left wondering

just what should I do,

Down each path lays hurricane memories

destruction pain fear self doubt lies,

Down each path the pain

the person the people that lay behind my thunderstorm the goodbyes,

Fragmented pictures torment

my mind,

Until closing me off from the world

pushing everyone away is the only respite I find,

There once was a time I 

believed death was the way,

But then these nightmares win and I’m stubborn

so this bitch is here to stay,

And pills I guess they work

as long as they’re always took,

Until I have the courage to stand up and face them

from my hatred of myself and certain others I will never be off the hook,

So this is me I walk hand in hand with nightmares horrors unimaginable 

my whirlwind is real,

The pen the paper words spilled emotions raw this is me and

I feel….

 

 

~ Crashing…. ~

 

Today I’m crashing….

My mind emotions feelings thoughts

in free fall,

I couldn’t care less all reasonable thought gone

my happiness disappeared fuck you all,

Today I’m empty

void of thought,

I can’t remember what I’m doing

can’t remember the smile steps I’m taught,

I’m so tired

energy taken from flesh and bone,

Gray swirls around keeps negativity

i feel alone,

I feel so lost

so empty today,

My smile is gone

packed its bags gone away,

Darkness is calling me

smudges the edges of real,

Comprehension is gone

nothing makes me feel,

Today my heads

messed,

I struggle 

to get dressed,

Today I want to run

away,

I don’t want to be me I don’t want to 

stay,

Today I feel a disappointment

i feel hated,

Today I feel so low that even

unloved seems over rated,

Tomorrow I may feel better happier

or just the same,

I can’t guarantee I’m gonna be ok

i’m on depressions board game….

 

.x.

 

 

Splintered into a million pieces….

Well hi, how are you all? I hope life is treating you well and full of things that make you smile….

I’ve really struggled with writing on here simply because I don’t want this page, this space to be filled with unhappiness. It’s called An empty space because its here for me to fill with my poems, thoughts and other little moments of happiness/crazyness/all sorts, the things that make up me….

Right now as you’ve most likely guessed, I’m unhappy/troubled/stressed/call it what you will….

I got a phone call from the hospital about Taylor and his latest test results are even worse than the last lot. I was sat in the car when she rang going to get the munchkin new shoes, as she spoke to me and tried to gently tell me the it is getting more serious I felt myself splinter…. I splintered into a million pieces and blew out the window, all that was left was an empty body holding a phone…. I know, honestly I know, I prepared myself and prepared myself so I could be strong when his world started going from “normal to not” but I’m struggling to deal with this. My brain has shut down and my emotions have fled, all thats left is a body on auto pilot, just going through the days. So far between now and christmas he’s got more appointments than I can shake a stick at.

Taylor is defo not making life any easier at the moment, he’s now refusing to take his tablets and I’m getting more clever and creative at hiding them in various things!

I know all this is having an affect on Taylor as the last blood tests he had done, he firmly told the nurse that if she wanted blood she could take her own. Yeah no-one likes their blood taken and Taylor has had a traumatic experience with needles but even the nurse was shocked and I just couldn’t stop apologising. Taylor only has good veins in his hands but, they’re not that good. It means he is always bruising.  😦

I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what the future holds or a magic doctor that could make it all better “just like that” but I don’t and there isn’t one. I would give my life a million times over and sell my soul if it ment that Taylor didn’t have to go through this and that he was healthy and kidney transplant was just a word I read in the newspaper from time to time or saw on t.v..

They say everything in life happens for a reason, that mother nature does what she does to ensure the world is constantly evened out, that G*D knows all and he has his reasons…. every time I look at Taylor I can’t help but think why?…. Why? If G*D really exists, why put innocent children through this? Why make monsters, murderers, rapists? why make people suffer?

I know I need to pull myself together and stop this useless crying ( which I do more than I admit). I’m sick of being strong  and telling people that  “yeah we are all ok and yeah all is good”. Plastering some stupid grin on my face and showing the world a great big smile. I always thought the day I’m so dreadfully afraid of was years and years away and that I had plenty of time to make sure I was ready to cope not just for my son when he needs me but for his brothers and siters to….

Well it’s not years and years away anymore and I’m more afraid than ever….

 

 

Hi….

Hello everyone! How are you all? I hope life is treating you well and special people make you smile  b         🙂

I haven’t written on here in a while, didn’t want to as I don’t want to fill this page with unhappiness but, its about time I wrote something!

For those of you who have been reading a while now, you will have already read about Taylor (My middle son). Well in good news his blood pressure is down to 121/73 which, is excellent! But bad news, the last set of tests they did, his kidney function is reading what they call abnormal and bad, like his usual kidney function is good? It’s a lot closer to the 40% now and that day is getting so much closer. Taylor is off to hospital next week for more tests. He’s happy he gets to stay off school.  In order to give Taylor an “as normal as possible” childhood, we’ve never really told him just how serious his problems are. Some people might think this is wrong but why make life any harder for him? Doesn’t he have enough to cope with already? He knows he is different and has asked if he is normal? And that IS hard. My eldest (the 13yr old), knows whats wrong and being very close to me, picks my moods up before anyone else, he’s currently sticking to me as I plaster a huge grin on my face. He knows how much I worry about Taylor.

In some good news Taylor has a girlfriend friend that’s a girl, to young to put those words together! It’s nice to see them chat and giggle and laugh together, she constantly gives him the sweetest smiles.  🙂

Taylor is a fan of classical music ( I like so many different types, all the children get to listen to it all). I was thinking about taking him to the theatre to see something. Anyone got any ideas of whats good? I haven’t been in about 10 years.

Now Taylor is in year 6, I have to start thinking about secondary school. With his problems with interacting with others, I’m now unsure which High school to send him to. My eldest boy goes to a business and enterprise academy. My eldest girl goes to a specialist academy for performing arts. And there is a science and languages academy near my daughters school.  Living 3 miles from Lincoln castle and in a city, there are another 8 schools that I could choose from. With my eldest 2 the choice was easy and they go to the right schools for them. Amazing isn’t it? As children we spend our life trying to get away from schools then as parents we want to know everything about them!!

I want to get back into education as well and am looking at open university courses but I’ll tell you more another time.

So in other news in our house? My youngest boy is now playing football for the school. My middle girl is now going to dance lessons. oldest boy now in under 14’s team for his football club. eldest girl gaining confidence and letting go of some of her shyness (yay!). Munchkin (3yrs) can now write her 1st name (Double yay!!), and tell you what each letter is and its sound (triple yay!! ). we’re still working on her surname, she finds W hard! I finally got my new sewing machine, a computerized one and my super old one ( from before I was born) is now gone. Oh and our demon tumble dryer is gone and our new dryer does not have an underwear fetish like the old one!!

So that’s it from our house, for now. I haven’t been writing, no scrap that, I haven’t been finishing any poems that I start so none to upload. Hopefully I’ll finish at least 1 poem soon!

Well if you made it to the end, well done you! Hello? Hellooooo? OI! you! Yes you! Wake up!

Happy hugs to ALL of you. Hey! Remember it’s Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you ALL have a happy huggable weekend full of special people and thoughts that make you smile.  🙂

Big smiles to you all, me.x.

.x.

My thoughts raw….

There is a song called Talk Show Host that is one of nearly 200 sitting on my HTC mobile phone. The start of it seems to have me figured out just right today. I can’t remember who it’s by without going to look and I’m not getting up right now. These are the words….

I want to

I want to be someone else or I’ll explode….

I spent last night tossing and turning as my mind struggled to come to terms with life, with the events of the day and the realisation that I can’t keep living in denial. I am not going to have perfect and, it’s about time I woke up and smelt the fucking coffee and accepted things are gonna happen sooner rather than later….

I’m going to start with a story of life and things that happened 11 odd years ago. I don’t usually do this, in fact most people that know us as a family have no idea that we live with a child who is ill. Yup the reason I’ve spent the last week stressing and the last 4 days living on apple juice is my son. I’m gonna write this down because maybe it will help me a little…. I hope…. Deep breath here goes….

My partner had been out of prison for just over a week when I fell pregnant, we’d been at it like rabbits and the obvious happened, it wasn’t planned but we were happy. We had 2 children and another child would be loved just as much. I always wanted a big family of my own.

I went for a dating scan and was about 12 weeks pregnant, the midwife at the hospital asked if I wanted the anomaly scan, you know the one they check for defects? I said yes but no to the triple test. I’m going to love a baby even if it has downs or other….

At about 18 weeks, I’m sitting in the waiting room oh so happy. My other half is sat in the car with our 2 children. I expected to be about 20 mins, if that. The midwife calls me through and after some questions, the radiographer puts the  scanner on my belly. I lay back and think about this little life inside of me that’s been ticking down it’s days so far till he joins me. I know what I’m carrying as well, believe me, I just know! I look at the radiographer and her smile is now a frown, she doesn’t look at me but says she will be back in a moment and the midwife goes with her to the other side of the curtain before coming back to me and this time sitting by my side.

Five minutes later the consultant comes in and he was my consultant with my second child so I know him. He smiles and yes, remembers me. Asks how I am and says that he wants a good look at my baby. This guy is great, he’s one of those no shit types and gives you the info you need, he speaks to you like a person and not a procession line. Like a friend and not his job. I have iron problems, and they get a lot worse in pregnancy. So I say hi and although I start picking up vibes, I tell myself to relax. I’m in good hands!

There are now the midwife(beside me), the radiographer and the consultant in the room. 1 hour later there are:- The midwife (holding my hand), the radiographer, the departments senior radiographer, my consultant, another consultant and their number 1. Their voices are hushed, my belly is starting to hurt from the scanner and then everyone leaves and another midwife sits with me for about 10 mins while I get myself de- jellied and straightened out.

My consultant comes back in with the original midwife and the other leaves. Before my consultant say a word, I say “Just tell me.” and so he looks at me and says “I’m sorry but your baby is very ill.”  ” Have seen this before and if you want a termination I will offer you one.” “If you want a second opinion, I will send you to the best place.” We talk for about another half hour and then I say refer me. And he does right there in front of me, an appointment for 4 days later at Nottingham Queens Medical Centre ( QMC ) University Hospital. The man I’m to see? Professor James.

I walk out to the car and then the tears start, through a mess I try to tell my partner.

After seeing Prof James and some tests later I am introduced to Dr. A Watson (now Prof A. Watson). He is fantastic and I owe both of them so much more than I can ever put into words….

My baby has this problem…. I will explain without medical terms as it’s easier for you, the reader, to understand….

In a boys penis is the tube that wee comes out of, at the top of the tube is 2 valves, like doors. You need a wee valves open you wee, bladder empty, valves close, wee stops. In my son, The valves don’t open properly, so the wee goes back up to the bladder, The bladder can only take so much before it says fuck you and sends it to the kidneys, and as everyone knows, kidneys make the waste get rid of it but, can’t take it back. It’s toxic. It damages the kidneys basically it kills them.

I will try to make this a little shorter here….

Most cases of this happening are found at about 20 weeks. By that time it is usually to late. (remember this is 11 years ago). I am 22 weeks and a lady and husband are sitting in the waiting room with me and my partner. She is 20 weeks exactly. Their baby has the same problem as ours. We discuss a little of our problems and see we are both going through the same but, she is coming for the big scan, I have already had that. Her and her husband walk in and 20 mins later, he walks out practically holding her up on auto pilot. Their first child and nothing can be done to save it, it’s to late.

I think of that woman often and in every decision I made while pregnant with my son I knew he was fighting to live and I had to give him that chance. I still think of that lady and hope she found happiness. I never did know her name….

So my child will have to have an operation while I am carrying him. They don’t do it often so I’m told and please could they video it? Yes of course as doctors need to learn. Please could junior docs and those in training come watch as they may never see it again? (That’s how rare it was done). They need this experience so yes ok. I am laying in a dark room, sedated my partner has my hand and people float, lots of people some standing on chairs to see better. They are  going to put something called a double pigtail through me, through my womb, through the amneotic sac, through my baby s skin and into him.

The double pigtail.

All I can remember is pain, I wont lie, it hurt, they said it would, and it did. It was done via ultra sound and with the longest needles I have ever seen. I still have the needle mark scars all over my belly.

They ended up doing this operation twice.

At 28 weeks his bladder could take no more and exploded. I felt it. We were on our way to the hospital when it happened and as soon as we walked in the door I said at reception something s happened I feel like my insides went bang. No waiting room straight through, and there on the screen my baby, his insides all black from urine that had nowhere else to go.

We are travelling from our home near the south border of Lincolnshire to Nottingham everyday. Its long and we often have to take our children. The stress we are all under is immense. On a friday I go in for another scan and Prof James isn’t there. I see his number 1 and lovely lady whose name I forget. She checks our son out and isn’t happy. She says she must call Prof James. Comes back and says can we come in on monday without our children? They are going to induce me our baby can’t fight no more.

The labour 5 hours of being so frightened…. The doctor telling me I had exactly 5 mins to push him out or they were cutting him out. His heartbeat disappearing and the room going into free fall as the doctor sticks a little cap thing on his head which they can now see to get a pulse…. Him being born with no fluid in the sac….His high pitched cry and the room breathing again…. The midwife crying ( with relief )…. Me and my partner getting a hello and a goodbye as he is taken to S.C.B.U.  The emptiness we are left with….

I can’t see him for 6 hours….

Looking back my partner was so strong through it all, he had to be I suppose for me because I couldn’t be. I’m so proud of him for standing where many would have crumbled. His inner strength leaves me in awe….

At 4 days old we are whisked to Nottingham City hospital by lights and sirens. My baby is yellow, is in renal failure and is dying and needs an operation to survive. The operation will take about 5 hours, He was 31 days early, and weighs just over 5lb. 9 hours later the ward doesn’t know what’s going on and the operating theatre has leave us alone to work written all over it. I start smoking again for the first time in 5 years, I’m here at the hospital on my own, my partner at home with our son and daughter.

That was the first of many operations to happen before he was a year old and he spent most of it in hospital. And had many more after that as well….

We never pushed him as he was growing up, not in any way, we were also soft on him when he was naughty, he’d been through so much. When he was 18 months old he started to walk and was always falling over. The GP. wouldn’t believe me that something was wrong and after me shouting and screaming in a packed surgery, sent me to a child s doctor at the hospital just to shut me up. I put Taylor down and said come to mummy, then looked at the doctor and said do you see anything? Yes. she said, I see him limping. FINALLY.

To make it short, after a lot of years countless operations, being told he was going to end up in a wheelchair. Taylor now has his hip and thigh metal plated by the absolutely fucking fantastic doctor Mr Hunter Nottingham hospital again. Top bloke, A shining star who didn’t give up.

Taylor only has one kidney that works and not very well. He is just over 10 and a half years old. his kidney function is deteriorating. its very large and is way under the 50 percent.

Yesterday we were at the hospital and he has high blood pressure, this is new, and not good, its being monitored and they are talking about more meds for that. He has also come home with 2 more meds, new ones. He has bladder control problems and bowl problems, he has social problems interacting with others because of all the time over the years in hospital  and missing school, play group and all those important things. He is a very bright but sometimes angry boy.

To look at him, you would think he was “normal”. He is more trouble than all my other children put together, I have 6 with my partner now. I have spent my life with Taylor so far in a kind of denial, denial that I keep thinking he will be ok, that no he wont need a transplant.

Yesterday and everything we were told brings “That day things change for the worse” a whole lot closer. It means I can’t just keep pretending that my 10 yr old bundle of trouble is normal….

I as a mum am supposed to protect my child, keep him safe and well…. While I carried him, I failed that, When he was a baby I failed that, even now I fail at it….Nobody will change my mind on this…. What happened to him while I was carrying him wasn’t my fault it was no ones. but that doesn’t change the way I feel….

He is boisterous, argumentative, funny, insightful, thoughtful, sensitive, naughty,challenging….

At school the teachers say he is one of the most polite, helpful children in his year….

He doesn’t make friends easily but everyone seems to know him….

And yet I can’t help but feel as a parent I am failing him, that even though I try real hard to do what’s right by him….

I’m afraid I’m just not trying hard enough….

 

 

So true….

Do you dream….?

.x.

~ Cute Guy, Old Guitar…. ~

 

Oh summer sunset sun                          

you light the sky on fire,                

The red the orange like a flame                              

you awaken our desire,              

The dusk it settles in                

as you go down low,                

The logs and pine cones in the fire pit                                  

help create the ambience the glow,                                            

The chatter and the laughter                              

the meal has been consumed,                            

Music playing in the background                                            

and drinking is resumed,                                                                    

Around the pool a man chases a woman                        

before throwing her in,                

Laughing some of us strip to our underwear                            

others dive for a swim,                                    

The more sane of us sit around the fire pit                                            

we laugh and talk and smile,                                        

A cute guy picks up his old guitar                                

and hums softly for awhile,                                

Enraptured we all sit quietly some drink some smoke relax                                                

he’s been strumming in his own world and looks up with a start,                                

All these eyes intently watching                              

captured every mind and every heart,                                

He starts again plays a melody                            

that tugs at every soul,                              

We all listen as he plays so passionately                                  

all of us connected all of us whole,                                            

The sun it leaves the sky                                    

the candles we do light,                            

The cute guy old guitar his heartfelt songs                          

to carry us further in to this night….

 

.x.

 

 

~ .. …. ~

Sometimes I feel                            

if I could just bleed,                          

It would take away this hurt                        

this need,                                    

Life is a bunch                                      

of tiny thread,                                

And when they all break                        

you end up dead,                    

Choosing the way                                    

with so many mistakes,                              

I push and push                            

until it all breaks,                                        

Holding the knife                                

against my skin,                                

Then the pain slips out                      

and I’m better within,                                    

Lying on a towel                                

on the floor,                                    

I gaze at the window I                                            

see outside the door,                            

The pain makes me realize                                          

this is me I’m real,                                              

And gives the warm fuzzy feeling                                    

I long to feel,                                

This is a happiness                        

that I can keep,                                                  

At last I smile                                  

as I find peaceful sleep….

The title of this was originally called ~ To Late ~

.x.

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"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." William Wordsworth

All About Life

Ideas and musings from a middle-aged 20 something

The Haunted Wordsmith

Stories of all shapes and sizes

www.blessingsbyme.com/

Crafts, DIY, Recipes & More

kiwissoar

flights of fancy from New Zealand

Leigh's Wordsmithery

Where Words are Tempered, Not Tamed

lauravent69

Welcome to my crazy world. Life, music, animals and misadventures with my twisted humor leading the way!

LargeRoomNoLight

Confessions of a Creative Energy Addict

I didn't have my glasses on....

A trip through life with fingers crossed and eternal optimism.

An Unexpected Muse

writing ... after parkinson's

stepsandpauses

Mostly Mindful

Nin Chronicles

Where Fiction, Poetry, & Parenting Mingle

Ontheland

Caring About Our World Reflecting About Life

jdubqca

poetry by j matthew waters

MY WALL

Poems & Photographs

agoyvaerts

To observe, to be enchanted, and to enjoy the simple stuff in life, is truly a delight.

Stories From the Edge of Blindness

In 2002, Retinitis Pigmentosa changed my life. This is my story of a slow approach to darkness.

Born in Providence

finding our way back to love

Deborah J. Brasket

Living on the Edge of the Wild

Reowr

Poetry that purrs. It's reowr because the cat said so.

Words and Feathers

The stuff that comes out a bird's mouth.

Chris Mc Geown

Feminist, Writer, Cult Classic