Tag Archive: Grey


…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

…shadows…

I see them the shadows

as they flit across the room,

Wreaking havoc in crevices

forboding luminescence in the gloom,

In the pained darkness in their stupor

their screams,

Slowly cracks forming

as they rip at the seams,

They echo and bounce

thrown back against the gray,

They slink and they linger

always looking to find a way,

They softly purr

feather like against the window pane,

They screech at denile of entry

they howl like mournful rain,

They creep and they scurry

and they try to blend in,

From the corners you’ll catch them

see them try to hide like a sin,

They won’t leave

me alone,

They’ve made my mind

their home…x.

To stay untitled….

Show me what type of person you are
tell me your hopes and your dreams,
Tell me what makes you happy and glad
and what keeps you coming apart at the seams,
Tell me the dreams that do haunt you
when your laying awake in your bed,
Tell me all of doubt that you so believe
as it circles around in your head,
Show me your spectrum of grey
how the colours all smudge into one,
Show me that great big fake smile
as inside you are coming undone,
Tell me the story in your veins
tell me what sets alight to your skin,
Tell me what makes you burn brighter
what makes the fire rage from within,
Walk me through the passages
of your mind,
So I see all the troubles
you find,
Every time you think you can’t take any more
and you think that your all alone,
I want you to know that your cared for so much
and you don’t have to go it on your own….

.x.

~ Bottling…. ~

It’s raining
and I can’t help
but want
to feel it on my skin,

It’s typical English rain
lashing hard unforgiving cold
and I need it’s sting it’s burn
to set off the cataclysm within,

There are oh so many emotions
and they’re
all in bottles
inside,

They’re far to heavy to carry
and they’re getting ready
to burst
and I can’t hide,

And I’m
afraid
of the emotions
that swell,

Of the unpredictable grief
that’s brimming
and the hopelessness
that I know so well,

Depression
is my demon
he’s evil sly
and mean,

He plagues me
like a steady drum
as he knows
he can’t be seen,

He slips
chains upon my wrists
and trips me
so I fall,

I constantly
fight against him
but he doesn’t care
at all,

I scream
that I want sunshine
that I don’t want
his pain,

But he calls me
so enticingly
slips his arms around
and pulls me back again,

It’s a fight
always a fight
but I’m stronger
than I know,

One day
will I beat him for good
a day I hope I’ll
grow,

I can’t stop
these bottles from bursting
even though I
know I’ll try,

And I know I’ll fill
so many more
can’t deal with emotions
haven’t figured yet why,

I love to hard
care to deeply to fast
get hurt easy
that’s true,

I’m totally predictable
in my unpredictable-ness
and my bottles will burst
and I’ll bounce back I always do,

For now I watch
gray clouds
as they stream across
the sky,

And watch
my bottles from a distance
knowing to stay back
and knowing why….

.x.

———————————————————–

So I’ve learnt so far….  Everyone develops their own particular style of writing and as a rule, they tend to stick to it. My usual style is 2 lines and every second line ends in rhyme. Above is 4 lines, every 4th ending in rhyme.  I always find it slightly harder to write like this which is odd because I have a thing about 4 ‘ s. But as always my rules apply, write as much truth as possible…. So I hope you all like this one. The next poem I’m gonna change moods totally, away from depression on to something else.
Take care all of you and have a great week. Nem.x.

~ Today…. ~

Today it’s raining
but I love the rain as much as I love the snow,
Today just like the rain
my heart is raining far below,
Today I wanna hide from the world
don’t wanna face it today,
Today I feel a burden
that I’m just in everyone’s way,
Today my mask
is slipping from the inside,
Today I feel I have
nowhere to hide,
Today I realise I will never be good enough for anyone
not that it really matters,
Today I shred me myself ripping bits off
leaving myself in tatters,
Today I just want to sink
into the blissful grey,
Today I’m trying so hard to smile
but happiness doesn’t want to play,
Today I sharpen the blades
and hand them to people one by one,
Today all the foundations I’ve built
reveal themselves to be sand and come undone,
Today is
a mess,
Today there
is stress,
Today I wanna drown
in every song I play,
Today I hate me so very very much
but that’s okay,
Tomorrow….
Tomorrow the sun
could shine so bright,
Tomorrow I could burst
from feel goods light,
Tomorrow will be better
and I’ll know then,
Tomorrow I’ll smile
and start building again….

.x.

I guess that’s just one of those things about depression…. you think your doing great, but all it takes it one negative thought, one second where you judge or second guess yourself. Just one moment, one second…. and your slipping back into the gray….

.x.

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