Tag Archive: Failure


Hope is a “cap de pula”

“Hi! How are you?”

Those words… those words mean I have to bend the truth. I have to find a way to tell you what you what to hear. That I’m ok. That I’m doing good. Because you don’t really want to hear that I’m not. Again. So I show you that I’m good and I spend the day with a stupid smile and a happy positive vibe for you to see. And then later? I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from the pretence. The 1 woman show that I’ve put on for everyone to see. From where I’ve worked so hard to have everyone thinking that I’m ok and that I’ve not failed again. And then despite feeling exhausted? I’m awake at night clawing at my mind like I claw at my skin. And the anxiety builds and the self doubt builds and the darkness wins a little more and I smile for everyone to see and I’m ok. And I fail. All I do is fail.

It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to have been able to kick it into touch by now. I’m supposed to have snapped out of it and stopped moping and whatever other words I’ve heard people say… the past is in the past, I’m not a child anymore… grow up and get on with it. I’ve heard it all. But some scars run deep. They fracture you and physically break something deep inside. Some broken children heal and others don’t. The ones that don’t turn into broken adults. And it’s not their fault they’re broken. It’s not my fault I’m broken. But to me? To me it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to disappoint. So I’m ok. But I’m not… I’m tired of the games that my mind plays. I want out of it. I want to be rid of the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks, but most of all? I want to be rid of the nightmares. The things I see when I sleep. Or the terror I feel on the odd occasion I go to the shop and hear someone with that tone of voice. I want to stop being afraid of everything and everyone. Sounds stupid? Yep I know. But it’s the truth. Looking back, I never used to be like this. This bad I mean. It started getting worse about 7 years ago. I don’t know what the catalyst was. But now I question every thing I do, think, and say. I judge myself so harshly that I don’t leave any of myself left for anyone else to judge. It’s said that we are our own worst critic. I rip myself apart before anyone else gets chance to realise just what a failure I am. Because if others found out that I was less? Then they would stay away. People hurt you. No one gets in therefore they can’t hurt me. Only I can hurt me.

Honestly? I’m tired of the whirlwind that is me. That is my mind. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions… I’m tired of me. I’m tired of fake smiling. I want so desperately to give up and yet, there’s this tiny stupidly annoying little thing inside of me… this tiny little spark… its called hope. And as much as I loathe myself? Hope keeps shining. Hope refuses to give up. Hope keeps me going…

…sigh…

Depression/darkness/anxiety/whatever you wish to call it… they are strong and powerful things. But hope? That tiny little sparkling glimmer of hope? It’s the most powerful thing there is.

So… I’m going through bad days(again), My poems on here have stopped(again). But? I’ll be posting soon because? Hope doesn’t let me quit life.

  Yup that’s how I feel…. I have failed….
So I guess I should lay it out from the beginning….
  My landlord wanted their house back, they gave us an eviction notice, it wasn’t/isn’t  anything I’ve done. She wants it back for personal reasons and I know the reason why. The first eviction notice was invalid so she had to give me a new one.
  I’ve done every thing I can’t think of to find a place to live but as I’m also a carer, I’m on benefits.
   Being on benefits is hard, nope I don’t want to be on them, I’d much rather be working but I can also see it from an employers point of view…. your not gonna higher someone who needs loads of time off. Being on benefits I can’t go to a letting agency as they want a guarantor,  don’t have one of those. That leaves me private and council. I’ve been to the council and they say yeah, you’d qualify for a 3 bed house but, we don’t have any at the moment. There are no private houses for rent within the area I’m looking that will take people on benefits or pets (honestly all those lazy cats do is sleep!). I’ve thought about it and went for a 15 mile radius of my children’s schools, that’s a big area. But zilch….
On the 29th of May, we have to leave that’s the big “E” date. Still I’ve found nowhere. On the 29th I’ve got to go to the council and present myself and children as homeless. They’ve said there’s a very good chance we’ll be put up in a hotel for at least a week.
My eldest son starts his GCSE’s tomorrow. One of the biggest stresses of his life so far, and now add to this stress the uncertainty of  “where are we gonna live”.
One of the things I remember most is that my mum constantly let me down. I always vowed I wouldn’t do that to my kids…. let them down…. and here I am proving I am just like her…. I’ve failed at providing my children with a very basic need….the security….the stability of a home.
  I sat in a meeting last week to discuss all this and the housing officer reminds me that it’s not my fault, I’m handling this well, doing all I can, holding it together good,  blah, blah, blah…. All I can think is that No. I’m not doing good, I’m failing my kids. No uncertainty there, that’s clear cut. They are going to be classed as homeless…. I as a parent have failed them….
I’ve spent the weekend moving furniture into storage, I’ve done over half the house. Big furniture wise I’ve got 3 double wardrobes, a large high sided oak sideboard, the bigger half of a very large wall unit, a table, drinks cabinet and huge oven. Plus mattresses. Everything else will be small.  This afternoon I cut my hand on dirty glass, it’s deep and my kids dad said I should go to the hospital for stitches but to be honest after you’ve sat waiting for and hour or more in a waiting room…. that’s not for me. So I tipped a bottle of tcp all over it after cleaning as much as I could. Now its all taped up. And the house doesn’t look like my hand was slaughtered (seriously? How much blood!)  That’ll teach me to be more careful.
  I feel Shit and mixed up and emotional and more than anything like I’ve failed…. There is nothing anyone can say that will change my mind on that. Part of me wants someone I can just let it all out to but the other part says, hey Nem you have to do this on your own. I don’t know which part to believe any more…. It means I’m pushing more people away and coming off as rude and cold, even though I want them in my life and it just makes me feel more emotional….
  All I can think is even though I’ve failed them…. I’ll get through this and as a family it is so good that their all close to each other. I have failed them, of that no one will ever change my mind….We’ll get through this…. Hopefully….

 

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