Tag Archive: Doubt


Rebuilding 1 block at a time…

I crashed last month. Like always? I didn’t see the signs until after. Like always I hid how much I cried, hid that I didn’t want to breathe any more. I planned in detail again just how I’d do it. I’ve got a quick fool proof way. No come backs. No doctor will save me. But its just thoughts. Its what happens when I get that low. I know there’s some name for it. Where you plan it but have no intention to actually do it. I seem to purposely break myself and shatter my own defenses every time I try to build them. Honestly I’m tired of this game. So damn tired. I’m tired of building myself back up and pretending that I’m always ok. I’m tired of always showing the world a smile, and im known for it… that stupid smile. Its there hiding me behind it.

Right now I feel numb. No emotion is hitting me hard enough to get through. I’m just sitting here in my mind slowly building these glass shards up one by one. You’d think by now I’d have cut myself so many times that I’d build with something stronger. But no… I’d rather walk on broken glass apparently…

But you see? This is the thing with depression. It hits us all in different ways. Its sets us apart but in being apart we are together(these are my thoughts remember). It torments us with sweet nothings. Promises of things being better if we just give in and let that dark gray soft depressive cloud envelope us in its warm embrace. But they’re not better. They never are. And yet so many of us give in again and again. Are you tired like me? Because I’m so damn tired of all this.

I want to be better. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to have to fight the feeling that my skin is trying to crawl off me every time I’m around people. I dont want to keep being afraid of people and places with lots of them. I dont want outs to my anxiety to be to claw my skin on my arms until I make it bleed(I’m working hard on finding ways to not do this including living in t-shirts no matter the weather because I cant hide it). I’ve often said over the years that I want to be normal. But what’s normal? To the outside world I appear to function fine. So therefore? I must be fine. I must be normal… Please remind me of this next time I’m on the bathroom floor crying so hard I can hardly breathe all while trying to make no sound so no one knows what I’m doing. Remind me of it when my own mind turns against me and drags me down shattering every hope I have, leaves me a broken jaggard mess. Remind me then that I’m normal. Because those times I forget…

So here I am. Back to the now. And I’m here. I’m starting to feel words again so I know I’m coming back. I’m building enough and fighting the numb enough and not just floating in it because floating in numb is easy and since when did I ever take the easy road anyway? I can’t quite catch the words yet to make poems. But I will. I have hope. When I have nothing else inside me? I always find a way to have hope. And sometimes things get so dark in my mind. But still always there is hope. Hope plants seeds. Hope can grow a blade of grass or a mountain…

Look at me here littering this page with my thoughts… I feel I’d have made more sense if I’d just grabbed a tin of alphabet spaghetti and played scrabble with it(now there’s an idea!). But I stick to the promise I made for this page… be open. Honest. Who cares if they think your a fruitloop? You’ve never eaten one so does it matter? The point is I’m real.

I’ve just seen something fluffy walk into the room and meow(well he makes a sound that sounds like “no”), in my direction… I’m going to say hello and touch the uber fluffiness because no one can deny a cat…

Hugs to you all at the end of the wire.x.

  I fight with you, I listen to you, I give up and give in to you, you smother me to keep me safe so you say…

  I got asked twice on here why it showed I posted a post titled Female muse? No. He’s male and yet it cant be read… its because I made it private. Doubt has eaten such a hole in my thoughts that people/others/whoever would judge me for him. For being open enough to even include a little of our carefully screenshotted chat. For being honest enough to acknowledge that he has been my muse for over 20 years. For opening my mind into the thoughts and definitions of what a muse is and how,though we have never been lovers only friends, he has artistically been my obsession. Doubt won. The only person that knows he is my inspiration is him. No one else. But I started wondering, started thinking… we spoke the day before yesterday. A lengthy conversation. Both through messages and then a voice call, I don’t do voice calls(snapchat, WhatsApp or text me. Dont call me), but I did the brave thing. I did a voice call. I can be brave. I admit I was so nervous and my hands were shaking but? After a few minutes(and the Chamomile tea!), I was good. He has anxiety just like me, has issues not the same but like me, can’t deal with the world just like me. But our difference is that he not only holds an amazing steady job but its in how he has worked his life and kind of compartmentalised and locked off parts.

Anyway… I wrote the post. I thought it would do me good. I thought it would show that look… I’m just like any other weirdly obsessed word junkie… its real this muse thing, his normal conversations, just particular words or the way he laughs… it inspires me. But then? I’m too weird… its wrong isn’t it? Ah… I dont know… some of our conversation is eating at me even now… its messing with my mind to the point the last message between us was? “ok” not capitalised nor a full stop. I now doubt our every word from my endless overthinking and dont want to talk to him or anyone for that matter. Anyone up for a fort building session with pillows and blankets? Ugh… maybe not… so the post has gone. I mean its still there but its private and it glares at me!

Here’s a song for you all…

Jess Glynn “Insecurities.”

My mind is so alive with words right now and I really should write them down. Instead I’m letting my fears, insecurities and doubts eat them one by one. I’m questioning every thought I think. Second guessing myself. I want to give up on words but they just like music, are my blood.

I’ll put the kettle on and make Chamomile tea… I so miss coffee 😭 this caffeine free thing is going to kill me in the end I swear… 😒

Anyway… Take care all of you at the other end of the wire…x.

~…Metaphor…~

Bird just a bird sitting on the concrete

tell me why do you look at the sky?

Oh tell me little birdie

on broken wing can’t you fly?

Scamper around in the grit and the dirt

why do you walk in the gutter?

Show me birdie where is your song

please tell me why do you stutter?

And you look my way

with remorseful eye,

Then tilt your sweet head

to the crystal clear sky,

Come on little birdie

have faith i do say,

Have courage little birdie

your wings are ok,

And you expand your chest

and stretch out your wings,

You fly into the sky

your melodious voice sings,

And with a smile

I turn from the mirror…

.x.

Love and doubt and love

My heart is in pieces

all tattered and torn,

Scars I have many

these walls they adorn,

I see you

like a shining light,

A beacon of hope

in my dark of night,

Dreams they engulf me

bring me shattering down,

Doubt like a tidal wave

making me drown,

But love pure love

so solid and true,

Brings me again

to rise before you….

.x.

Doubt Speaks….

You you think your amazing
and it’s really such a shame,
For in the pursuit of all you want
your losing all you gain,
I can’t help but wonder
how you feel,
Why play your games
just keep it real,
Don’t you know
your just some bitch,
The current scratcher
to scratch that itch,
You to him
you don’t mean shit,
And we all see
you can’t handle it,
Your just a pawn
in his big game,
And you’ll get pushed out
just the same,
And then tell me what
your gonna do,
How ya gonna handle it
when he says the words we’re through,
Are ya gonna cry
all night long,
Listen to every
dumb love song,
Listen up
and listen good,
You ain’t confused
just misunderstood,
Act like an adult
stand on ya feet,
Don’t be a walk over
get ya arse off ya seat,
You are strong
come show me ya proud,
I know you
ya don’t walk with the crowd,
So stick that smile
on ya face,
Do things your way
this ain’t no race,
Ya say ya love him
well have some fun,
But don’t forget
care for ya self first hun….

.x.

Written by Doubt, (who is feeling somewhat sarcastic), in her London accent, missing half the correct pronunciations and doing it only the way a Londoner can….
.x.

~ Doubt…. ~

These thoughts they do swirl round me
please tell me that I’m wrong,
Cause at the moment I feel broken
these thoughts are hitting and I’m not strong,
At the moment it isn’t even
that I feel nieve,
Or that the truth of the matter I
just don’t perceive,
A simple toy a plaything
till something better you find,
And I am cast
so far from your mind,
These thoughts are hitting hard
the doubt flowing with ease,
The doubt it caresses uses fingers
such a tease,
And I am under
doubts spell,
Falling apart
going to hell,
Not good enough
just don’t feel I can ever be,
Is it your bored and I’m easy
wonder what you see in me,
Doubt it is a killer
and it’s sown it’s seeds,
My fingers are raw and bloodied
from picking all these weeds….

.x.

….The hardest thing, is that even with doubt, it doesn’t change, I love you so much….
….I don’t need to shoot for the stars….
….all I want is the moon….
.x.

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