Tag Archive: Despair


Song currently playing….

​https://open.spotify.com/track/3vledBz37cDTn57fdwQlKr

I’m not coping. I’m trying. Trying so damn hard to smile but that smile won’t appear. All that comes is tears. My emotions spin and click through a cycle I don’t even understand. I’ve always been an emotional person. That can be good and bad I guess. I feel everything to deeply. And with you? You’ve always magnified every emotion by 100. I have always loved you more for it. But right now? Right now I can’t cope. And these stupid tears? They don’t stop….

  I plucked up the courage to look in the mirror earlier. I look a mess. My eyes are all bloodshot and red. There comes a moment. That moment. That moment when your happiness snaps and disintegrates right before your eyes. If this is what loving someone completely, unconditionally, feels like? Then let me never love again. Let this be the very last time I love. I wasn’t made for hurt. Not hurt like this. I never want you to feel like this. You once told me that you don’t let people see the way you feel because they wouldn’t understand, they couldn’t. So you keep it to yourself, at the time? I thought how lonely that must feel…. but now? Now I know that I never want you to feel like this ever. I don’t want you to feel this destruction, desolation. 

  ….You think your going to be ok that your going to be alright and for those first few hours you are. Then it hits you. You start to crack, to break. You literally start falling apart. EVERYTHING falls apart. And you take a step back inside yourself as you watch helpless, you see everything crashing down and then this huge crashing wave engulfs you and all you feel is sadness gut wrenching heart breaking sadness. The kind that overtakes your very essence. It fills you and slowly starts to strip away layer upon layer of your skin. Tearing you apart. Pulling the very flesh from you. Tossing your organs on the floor. This huge monster that is sadness. It takes hold of your bones and crushes them one by one. And your just supposed to hold it all in. Your just supposed to smile and tell the world your ok when inside this utter devestation is happening. No. No I don’t ever want you to feel like that. But that’s love. Pure unconditional love. 

 I’ve just received a wordfued game request. I love that game. I play every day. The request? I can hear your voice…. I’m crying hard and trying not to. I can see every smile we’ve had playing that game. I miss you so much. I want you in my life. Without you there is something missing. Something dies. And something you take with you. And this…. I am left with this hurricane inside me ripping everything up and tearing everything apart. Destroying everything. You mean that much, it does this much damage. This poison inside me, the only cure I know is you. But you I don’t have. Part of me is dieing and I can’t fix it. I can’t cope with it. I don’t even understand it. 

The songs have skipped and I’m playing a different band. Every song is by “Nightcore” the current song is called “Let it burn” I like them anyway but I know your not keen on this particular genre so it won’t remind me of you. It didn’t work. Half the songs I’ve listened to so far have made me think of you. I even put one on the play list that reminds me of you. I don’t even know if you’ve ever listened to it. I guess you will unfollow me. In fact I don’t even want to think about it but to late, I am crying again. In a way I know I can use WordPress to write all this out because you don’t come here. I think you only ever came when I supplied you with links to specific posts. I van hear your words…. “You write so damn much woman.” But you knew, you knew that writing was/is my outlet. All those things i cant say? You’ve always known I can use words, I can write them…. It doesn’t matter any more any way. You are gone…. it’s just me and my thoughts left. Just me destroying myself on the screen as I watch the destruction within me….

  I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t even want to blink. In that split nano second I do? I see you. And I don’t want to breathe. That blinding pain with each and every breath. And I don’t want to hear because all I hear is your oh so sexy liquid velvet voice. And I don’t want to think because all I think about is you. These tears won’t stop and I’m trying so hard to make them stop but now I’m in the bathroom crying so hard that I had to stop writing I had to put the fan on and run some water to hide the sound. I can’t cope. I miss you. I miss you so much there is a coflagration within me and it will destroy whatever it can. All I can do is watch as all these elements wage war inside. 

The song that plays mocks me….  “Nightcore” “Hearts will repair” no mine won’t. You are carved so deeply upon it. Nothing and no one else matters…. 

All I can think of is you…. and the tears? The tears fall….

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~ Group…. ~

 

 

Sitting in this room

i just feel shame,

The therapist says they’re like me

they feel they’re to blame,

As we each look around

we’re all confronted with an imperfect mask,

To hide our dirt our shame

to all it’s our number one task,

The therapist gives a quick talk

and then it’s our turn,

We’re all on this road together

taking tiny steps we will learn,

That although there’s so much bad in this world

there’s still so much good,

And we’re right to feel scared frightened angry

and misunderstood,

It’s okay to break down and cry

and admit it was real,

That we were hurt beyond horrors imagined

we don’t need to be guarded here we admit that we feel,

No one’s going to mock you

for the horrors nightmares and screams in the night,

Here we understand why you need

to leave on the light,

An hours gone by

the breath in this room dissipates,

These walls so full of their stories

it calmly patiently waits….

 

.x.

 

 

~ Mind threads…. ~

 

 

Say it to me

these walls are closing,

Like a druggie I

just need dosing,

Help me rip

these four walls high,

Show me the warmth

let me see the sky,

I’m falling 

into black,

The cold envelopes you

entwined from the back,

The cold the fear

the icy dread,

It’s you it’s you

you don’t belong,

Change path change track

find me a song,

Tripping just tripping

over a dream,

Funky horror-iffic-land

yet it’s not what it seem,

The people distorted

yet bad people you know,

For fucks sake wake up

it’s time to let go,

They haunt you they haunt you

the screams in your mind,

You wake up your still screaming

your still dreaming you find,

There’s shadows in the passage

they move about the hall,

The bed cover entangle around you

you run you trip you fall,

You fall

you fall,

Until there’s nothing

at all,

The beating drum

of a heavy heart,

Your hearing on alert

the breathing does start,

I hear the hoofs

like thunder clap,

The blood drains away

the energy sap,

Through the mist

eyes glow so red,

With you I wish

that I was dead,

Allways screaming

in my bed,

The heavy breathing

eyes eerie red,

The horse it snorts

a staggered breath,

You are my fearsome nightmare

a sight worse than death,

You point a bony finger

it caresses across my soul,

Then you laugh maniacally  

and your sound consumes me whole,

Launch forward in your saddle

and I know that I must run,

For fucks sake please wake up

let me see the sun….

 

.x.

~ Ended…. ~

 

 

Falling apart I’m just

falling apart,

There’s nothing left to grow

there’s nothing to start,

Like a fluttery beat

of a nearly dead heart,

I’m so tired of this

like a broken down cart,

Let me drink that bottles bottom

and then will I start,

Release the demon from my wrists

tear me my skin apart….

 

.x.

 

 

~ Masking the pain… ~

 

 

Just give me just give me

my happy stick,

Can’t live without it I 

just feel sick,

Light it up fill my lungs

let me chill,

Swallow me a couple

of them happy pill,

But their not enough

to curb the edge,

I need more something stronger to stay walking

on the ledge,

A spoon give me a spoon

need my liquid gold,

Fill the needle fill the needle

i need that “don’t care” to take hold,

Feel it rushing

through my veins,

Masking the pain washing it away

like torrential rains,

Lay back just breathe ride the high

now hidden is the pain the sorrow,

Tell myself I’m not addicted

but I’ll need my hit on the morrow….

 

.x.

 

 

~ You say…. ~

 

 

So I ask you again is this what you want

there’s so much blood on your hands,

And your making yes your making

so many many demands,

And your changing yes your changing

ripping layers off your skin,

So much life blood so bright red

your drowning you just sin,

You say your falling your just falling

you’ve forgotten right from wrong,

You say there’s no redemption

there ain’t no brand new song,

The road you travel

is so dark,

It’s barren

and it’s stark,

You once said your like reverse origami

peel back the layers and your there,

But you’ve peeled to much there’s nothing left

your empty warmth less bare,

You say you’ve got the fire of a demon

that your pulled apart inside with rage,

All the tears that have been shed because of you

your mind should be in a cage,

Your changing yes your changing

a mere shadow of yourself,

All the confusion and frustration

it’s fucking with your health,

You say your damaged torn and broken

you say there’s nothing left on the insides,

But hidden in the dark deep inside of you

a ….

 

.x.

~ Slipping…. ~

Walking up the holy steps

bare feet on silver ground,

I see the ghosts the hellion watchers

the deafening drums they pound,

They call they call

a sound so soft and sweet,

Their song swirls and caress’s 

binds unseen chains around my feet,

“Come….” “come….”

these drums they call they call,

We promise no more nightmares

just gently you’ll fall.

I can’t help it

so easy to slip,

Like a poisonous drink

i just take a sip,

Back towards the vortex

so deep under ground,

Where hostility rages

where screams are the sound….

.x.

 

 

My masks                          

a permanent smile,

Deludes you

to think its worthwhile,

So clever at this now

i just look at the floor,

So you can’t see my eyes

walk through the masks door,

Inside me the scales are 

tipping,

The balance overloaded

every things slipping,

My whirlwind is faster

losing control,

The darkness is coming

to swallow me whole,

And so I run I run

i run away,

My mind flips back

through yesterday,

When sunshine

it was streaming,

But now its all just 

screaming,

Falling falling

falling down,

Scratch’s on my skin from the bracken

i hit the ground,

I run I run

i’m pushed on to run away,

Your not gonna catch me

no not today,

Deathly rider on your

ghostly steed,

Why chase and torment me

what do you need,

So frightened of you

a fear so great,

No courage to face you

faiths to late,

I wake up screaming

in my bed,

Drenched in sweat

from foot to head,

My other half shaking me

to stop wishing I was dead,

And so it settles

the icy fear the dread,

Please forgive

for all the things I’ve done wrong,

You’ve been playing this game

for so very long,

You torment my mind

you crush my soul,

Deathly rider

why not consume me whole,

You chip away

till I’m near empty inside,

Isn’t there a code

by which you have to abide,

Deathly rider ghostly steed

will I ever be free,

From your nightmare?

your endless chasing?

you truly terrify me….

 

.x.

 

 

Part 2….

So I wasn’t really sure whether to write on here again? Is it a good idea? I don’t know…. So much has happened since November.

I’m fighting depression -and yeah I know I’ve said in posts on here that I don’t have depression- cuz to me to admit is to say I am weak, and weakness, is unacceptable. I stopped taking my tablets just before christmas. I didn’t like how they made me feel,think, how they numbed the edges of real, how they fuzzed the edges of squares and made them all freaky circles. I cared, I functioned normal but, I just wasn’t bothered, didn’t want to argue, didn’t have an opinion. I just was….

So new tablets and new doc to talk to ( I don’t like the “P” word or maybe it’s just the “IST” bit I don’t like? I don’t know.)  This new docs ok, he has taken the time to read my file but most importantly is taking his time letting me talk and not asking about the fuck off huge Demon playing with fire glaring menacingly in the room. I think maybe that’s why I don’t like Mental health professionals. The ones I’ve been involved with through out my life want to get from 1 – 10 in a straight line as quickly as possible and don’t like the fact that I have a half million obstacles to go around, just to get from 1 – 2 most of which have been created with the sole purpose so that I don’t get hurt.

When I think of depression, I think of people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I think of people that would harm others, ie kill because they believe there is no better life on this Earth. I don’t think of the everyday depression, the one that affects millions of people. Maybe it’s time I did? People with depression are normal, they can act, function and appear as though nothing is wrong at all. I did/do. My noticeable depression was when I “crashed”  just before Christmas about 8 days after stopping my tabs. Looking back I knew I was going to crash, the signs were all there, I just didn’t/never do, see them till after. When its to late….

So, if your still reading this, you may be this must of had a huge impact on my children? Strangely no. Like I said before, people can act perfectly normal with depression.  I mean they grew up with my fear of being touched and that I flinch if someone puts their arms around me. They’ve helped me fight this with out even knowing. Just by being them, constantly throwing their arms around me and in how much I love them and how protective of them I feel. So hugs are now becoming a little easier and I can give some to others without feeling sick. As for hugging my kids? no probs there.

So what next for me and wordpress? To be honest I don’t know…. I have some poems that can still go on here. The poem Part 1 to this, is only the 5th poem I’ve written this year. I don’t want people that read my page to see it all writing and say something like…. Oh it’s to much writing on here now, I only follow for the poems. Then un follow. I don’t want to make it to “gray and gloomy” either as you don’t need to read and then feel grim. I’m going to think about this today, what I want from WP.

Well if you got all the way down here then firstly, I should check your awake and most importantly you haven’t died of boredom somewhere along the way? Hmmm? pulse checked. airways and breathing checked. Eyes open lookin at me strangely? Yup, you’re good to go! Thanks for reading my spilled thoughts, littered words, rambling letters, and sorry for the numerous grammatical errors (Yup there’s loads).

Take care all of you out there at the other end of the wire.

.x.

Part 1….

I feel….

Haunting melody

make it real,

Cuz stormy angers

all I feel,

Drifting thru a 

dense dark wood,

So much chaos

so misunderstood,

Blinding shaft of moonlight 

hits the course hard ground,

I’m standing at a

forked path there ain’t no way around,

There is not a sound

no inkling nor no clue,

Lost empty and left wondering

just what should I do,

Down each path lays hurricane memories

destruction pain fear self doubt lies,

Down each path the pain

the person the people that lay behind my thunderstorm the goodbyes,

Fragmented pictures torment

my mind,

Until closing me off from the world

pushing everyone away is the only respite I find,

There once was a time I 

believed death was the way,

But then these nightmares win and I’m stubborn

so this bitch is here to stay,

And pills I guess they work

as long as they’re always took,

Until I have the courage to stand up and face them

from my hatred of myself and certain others I will never be off the hook,

So this is me I walk hand in hand with nightmares horrors unimaginable 

my whirlwind is real,

The pen the paper words spilled emotions raw this is me and

I feel….

 

 

Sulaiman Hafeez

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