Tag Archive: Depression


So… since that last post I’ve been quiet again. That’s not to say I haven’t written, I have. I rhymed, I wrote poems, the words are kinda sketchy but they’re slowly forming like I’m breaking the block that has stopped them and torments them. I’ve had time to think on my last post, time to think if maybe I wrote certain parts wrong. Did I? Maybe… bits like when I blame me and decide I must have done something. I know in my heart I didn’t. I know because I would never. Because that isn’t me. I know and understand the difference between genuinely caring and whatever green light he thought I gave him. I am not to blame for his actions but I am dealing with the overwhelming emotions because of it.

I feel a little lighter since writing it out maybe there’s a truth to the saying “a problem shared” maybe… I still cry a lot but not as much. Up until yesterday, I hadn’t thought of death in 8 days. Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday I admitted that my grasp on control isn’t really there and that my young childhood fears are now my adult ones. I admitted that I’m alone to deal with what’s in my head and it scares me. Who’d I admit it to? Myself of course. If I passed you in the Street? You’d never know what’s in my head or how low I get. My mask to the world. We all have a mask in various forms. What’s yours like?

When you grow up in care it changes you. It alters how you feel and think about the world. It sets you just a little apart. I have in the past asked others about this and they’ve agreed. You might not agree, and thats ok. We’re all different. It’s what makes us… well us I guess…

So what do I do now? How do I take more steps forward? I’ve read a lot of self help books and articles and stuff about mental help. I need to keep an appointment and get help because I know that going forward only professional help is going to make me… what would be the word? Its not better because a pill or bed rest won’t cure me. Easier maybe? Lighter? I don’t know and trying to think about it is making me lose my train of thought… you know…? I come off as sooooo dumb sometimes but(and I’m not inflating here), I’m not dumb. Nieve? Yeah… I take a gold medal in that., but dumb? No. Sigh… there was a meaning to this post and I’ve lost it. For fudge sake… growl… nope… trains gone.

I hope to post some poems soon and I hope to be smiling more soon and I hope to be lighter soon… I hope a lot of things…

But then… hope is the strongest emotion there is I believe, because no matter how far down you go and how badly things go wrong and how bleak things seem? Hope keeps us going. Hope makes us try again. Hope says don’t give up.

And just in case I ever forget to hope? Well… I also know that compared to others? My life really is Sunshine and rainbows…

I lied.

I’ve only got one rule on here. Just one. Tell the truth. I designated this as a safe place. Its why I don’t ever want people that know me to have access to this place, so they can’t judge, can’t know how dark I am inside… well I broke my rule. I lied. I lied to myself. I lied in my words on this page. I said I didn’t know when deep down I did.

To try and move forward? I’m going to right that wrong, or try to… this might jump around as my thoughts spill and I’m not going to correct the order if it does.

The beginning.

I had this friend. She was amazing. You know those women that instantly light up a room and they don’t even know it? That was her. Her laugh and her smile. I can hear her voice now in my mind. It hurts to write about her. I miss her greatly. My friend got ill. Badly ill. This was 4 years ago. She’d already been ill and then it got bad. Lots of hospital visits. I was friends with both her and her husband. We’re Londoners in a place that is far North from London. We were from different times them being in their late 60’s at the time but we knew the same places, even a couple of the same families.

When two people have been married a long time, they become a part of each other. They become balanced against life. When one can’t give as much the other gives a little more until they can. It’s a harmony that makes the relationship strong. They know each other. They have those solidly built foundations. But when something happens to one of them, the other is left to give and give while worry eats at them. Their perfect foundations are being lost a brick at a time. They start sinking. The oncoming rising waters start to suck up their happy and that person is left floundering and trying to grasp onto anything that can give them normality. From the outside it’s heartbreaking so see. One slowly dies through illness and the other flounders in the depths of what they have no control of. Despair comes out of every pore. It affects their words, their tone of voice, their sigh, their walk, movement, eyes, the very vibe they give off. When two people have been together that long? One may be going to lay in the ground, but the other? The other disintegrates and becomes the ghost.

So… my friend was ill… I visited her lots, at home and at the hospital. I later found out she thought of me as a daughter, that made me cry buckets. At her funeral I openly cried because she meant so much to me. I go to her grave 3 times a year and cry every time. For the first year I got up and thought I’d message her before being hit with the knowledge that she’s gone. Knowledge I refused to believe. Denial. I know that now.

Where’s the lie in this? I know you’re thinking it. Its there. You just don’t see it yet. There’s another side to this. One you’re not seeing but I know you’re thinking, you’re thinking and believe me, it’s not that but… its close to it. Am I to blame? Did I do wrong? Is it all my fault? See, I’ve blamed myself consistently for this. I’ve said it’s my fault because of the way I naturally am. If you knew me you’d know. I hate me but how can I change what makes me… well… me? So I’ve blamed myself for this entirely. It has to be my fault because thinking that it might not be? That’s why I took 2 overdoses last year and wanted to die. I don’t want these nightmares that torment over this. Am I to blame? Is this my fault? Is it?

I care. That’s me. I don’t like people hurting. I don’t like them sad. I noticed my wordfued player only playing sad words yesterday and spoke to them through the chat function doing my best to make them smile(they told me they burst out laughing and were looked at funny), I’ve never really spoken to them before other than “good game.” ” Well played.” “Last play, good night.” You know… simple stuff but we’ve played against each other a fair while now 1 of my 4 regular players, My fifth is taking a break from the online world. Anyway… gives you an idea of me. I always want make a sad person smile, I want to be there and support friends going through hard times. I care.

I’ve dropped words about my past on here over the years, I’ve been honest about the nightmares, abuse, I had in my childhood and that my biological egg carrier and sperms donor are NOT my parents. My dad? He was my second Foster dad called E… and it’s incredibly rare I talk about him. He was my dad. There’s a poem on here for him. As for a mum? She died 2 days after my 6th birthday(when I was taken into care). I went to her funeral when I was 9(when I was made a full ward of court and all her rights were taken away and the last time I ever saw her as a kid). My childhood broke me, it crushed something inside and ground it to dust, can’t fix that kind of broken but can live with it.

My friends husband has always given me a vibe to be wary. But I loved her so ignored it. I can’t remember how it came about, but he knew I’d been abused as a young child. He’d ask questions or make remarks when he knew only I’d hear. It used make me uncomfortable and red flags up all over the place. He would pay me compliments and just general make a point to talk to me. I’d usually talk about his wife. I want to point out that they have 3 children. 2 boys around my age and a daughter. I never even knew they had a daughter for the first 2 years of knowing them. When saying goodbye to his wife? I’d always hug her, remember I absolutely adore this lady. I’d feel I was being rude if I didn’t hug him goodbye to so reluctantly I would. So I guess because I started it I made all this my fault… at some point he started asking for kisses. I have always refused. I’m taken. Taken by a fucking Saint who has loved me despite me being tainted by my past. He’d say do you love me? I know you love me. I’d said love you to his wife, My friend. She was ill. Seriously ill. Really seriously ill. Looking back he was breaking then. I just didn’t quite see it enough. When she was finally admitted to hospital with no coming out, I saw her regularly and rang often and messaged every single day and we’d message back and forth when she was up to it or one of her sons would type for her or message me to say she was sleeping. I will never have a bad word to say about this lady. I love her like you love a family member. I adored her. Her husband I’d see maybe a couple of times a week as our social circles intertwined. First thing I’d always ask is how is she? I could have seen her the day before and I could have just had a text message conversation,but still first thing I’m asking. I’d ask how he was? I’d could see this man breaking and needing just someone to be there that wasn’t his boys. I’d always give him a hug. I didn’t know his pain but I knew how I felt about his wife and it was hurting me. Somewhere through this, he started trying to kiss me on the cheek, tired on the lips. He’d ask for a kiss. Always I get out of it, I’d move, I’d say no. You need to know this… I didn’t want this. Alarm bells would be screaming everytime he was around. It got to the point where I spent an hour in the toilet at an auction to hide because he only turned up to the auction looking for me. He would ask me to come round to his house by myself for a couple of hours. The phone calls started, things he’d say, things he’d ask. He’d ask who was there and who could hear him talking to me. I’d later started to ignore it when he rang saying sorry I was busy when he’d ask. All the time I was still going to see his wife,My amazing friend. This beautiful kind hearted amazing lady that I was so damn lucky to be able to call a friend. Then came the day of that phone call… I was walking to go pick my youngest up from school, she loved seeing me at hometime and that smile on her face when she saw me would make butterflies and rainbows and sunshine explode from me in happiness. Didn’t matter that she could walk by herself. She liked me there. So I’m walking to the school and my phone rings, I didn’t even look. Why didn’t I look? I just swiped it and said hello? Then his voice asking where I am, who am I with? Then he started talking about his wife. I asked if she was ok? How is she? I’ll come see her tonight if that’s ok? Then he starts talking about his wife in a different way, something they “did” then says that he hasn’t had it in over a year. Then asks for something from me and explains in great detail what he wants and how I’ll enjoy it as its what I want and after we can go back to before if I want to. I said no. No. No.

Ok… so if you’ve been reading this blog for a while? Then you’ll know the deep effect that had on me. It opened something up and now the words I’m scared are here. Now I feel scared. I’m afraid deep down. But did I cause this? What did I do that gave him these signals? I tried to be a friend. How did I do so wrong? What was it I did? I need to make sure I never do it again. This is my fault, I gave him some green light into thinking I “liked” him. I most definitely NEVER have. NEVER. I just wanted to be a friend to a man that was losing his wife. My talks were about her. She was my Beautiful Sweet kind friend that would light up rooms with her mere presence, without knowing. It was just the way she was. Its my fault isn’t it, I shouldn’t have tried to be a good friend when I saw him breaking and crying and falling apart. He was breaking, floundering, trying to grasp onto anything. This shit spins around in my head where I say I didn’t ask for any of it but I must have mustn’t I? Otherwise none of this would have happened. The darkness inside me was finally starting to win about this time. And that day by his car when he spotted me and called me and told me to walk to his car with him in the car park as he wanted to ask me something about the Bluetooth in his car. Why didn’t I say I couldn’t? See? It’s my fault. I should have said I couldn’t. But no. I connected his phone to his car again. He put his arm around my waist and again tried to kissed me as I pushed

I can’t do this any more. I want to sit here and cry but every damn feeling is locked and I don’t want to touch that door. I’m here afraid and scared and I’m here alone. I don’t want to write this any more. I tried to push him away. Yeah he was like 68 or 69 or around that. He was bigger, stronger and I felt like a rabbit. I got away and told him no. Always saying no.

His wife died at 9pm. Not that same day. A couple of weeks later. A couple of weeks of avoiding calls and turning off voicemail. Of him learning to text and messaging me and me straight deleting them without reading. Then she died. I sent a message addressed to him and his sons and the daughter that was never spoke of. That only visited the hospital once the whole time she was there. The daughter that didn’t even sit with her dad and brothers at the funeral. But she looked like hell and she didn’t cry and didn’t go to the wake. I sent a message because I’d lost my friend and she meant so much to me and I was crying loads and I wanted them to know how sorry I was that they’d lost not just a mum and a wife but a truly rare beautiful sweet kind person. After about 4 days the phone calls started again. I turned my phone from buzz to silent. Even now my phone doesn’t have sound. Didn’t stay more than 20 minutes of the wake. Both their boys came up and gave me massive hugs, these boys are built like their dad and intimidate the hell out of me,they are around my age. The husband tried to call me over but I pretended I didn’t hear and someone came over to him stopping him. After I’d left he rang and wanted to know why I hadn’t come to him at the wake and why I’d left? I said that I was emotional and I’m sorry. It’s been a hard day and I hope he and the boys are ok. They all have my thoughts, him the boys, their wive’s and children. I actually met the wives for the first time at the wake. They sat in the pew behind at the funeral.

There were 2 more times he actually succeeded in getting me alone, one of which although he only tried to hold me scared me the most and blew away any hold I thought I had on the darkness inside. I don’t want to talk about either. I changed my phone number and didn’t give it out. He originally got my first mobile number from his wife’s phone.

I haven’t seen him since he got far to close and tried to give me a kiss me at the cemetery on her birthday last year. He’s told me that I hurt him and owe him a big apology. He’s asked why I keep my love away from him and he’s asked if he can take me out for a meal, specifically to a Chinese restaurant. What did I do wrong? Because I need to make sure I never do it again. I hurt him and I don’t know how to say sorry for being a horrible person. I’m so confused over this but under everything? I’m scared of this man. So 4 years ago, all the cracks started in me because of everything that was happening. Now I don’t want to go out. I get panic attacks, I sleep terrible, I have nightmares nearly every night. I’ve put weight on. I don’t see anyone if I can help it. All my friends are gone where I’ve pushed every one of them away. I don’t want to leave the house and I hate myself. Every memory that my mind uses the emotional block to protect me of my past,my childhood torments me on repeat. I quit writing on here my blog. I don’t do anything that I used to do. I don’t even take care of myself like I used to. Can’t remember the last time I did my nails that were always long and decorated, my nail kit is in the shed. Rarely wear makeup anymore. Live in comfort clothes, big baggy t-shirts. I don’t want to be touched by anyone. Even giving the kiddos a hug is so much harder than before. Shopping is an utter nightmare that I just don’t want to do. I can not shop in tesco at all, even the one closer to me. He shops in the bigger tesco. Any thoughts with regards to intimacy, just the thoughts of it I mean, make me want to be sick. I have more dark days than good. I cry way way to often and I don’t even know why. A lot of days I don’t want to be here. A lot of days I believe I’m a bad person that I only deserve to not be here. Life would be better if I weren’t. I tried for so long to say that everything that happened wasn’t the reason for this well of darkness to open up inside of me but in my truths? I know it is. So there’s my lie. That’s the lie I told on here. I said I didn’t know why things had got so bad. I lied. I did know. I do know. I just have never wanted to admit it. Because I can’t pinpoint the thing I did wrong. I know I’m at fault, why would he have told me I owe him a huge apology if I wasn’t at fault? Because I did wrong. I gave him some green light that I didn’t even see was green. Where is that point that I went wrong? I need to know it so I never ever ever ever do it again.

I know I’m writing this on here but irl? I never want anyone to know. This man is an upstanding man in a community, well known and well liked and very much used to getting his way. He scares me and the fact of anyone knowing frightens me. But at the same time? I need a safe place to let it out. I can’t deal with it all locked inside me anymore. I am being consumed by darkness and its eating my will to live. I am a bad person, that’s how I feel. I feel dirty and tainted and defective and like I shouldn’t be here. I’m confused. How do I fix this? Can I fix this? I just want to be me again. I want my mind to stop. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

…shadows…

I see them the shadows

as they flit across the room,

Wreaking havoc in crevices

forboding luminescence in the gloom,

In the pained darkness in their stupor

their screams,

Slowly cracks forming

as they rip at the seams,

They echo and bounce

thrown back against the gray,

They slink and they linger

always looking to find a way,

They softly purr

feather like against the window pane,

They screech at denile of entry

they howl like mournful rain,

They creep and they scurry

and they try to blend in,

From the corners you’ll catch them

see them try to hide like a sin,

They won’t leave

me alone,

They’ve made my mind

their home…x.

Title undeserved.

Old gateway

cracked pillars holding bleakness,

Over grown uneven path

encroaching foreboding ceaseless,

Crowded wood’s

either side of the road,

A melancholic wariness

the scene has bestowed,

Trepidation

apprehension,

Fear and flight

at attention,

Bend in the road

curves behind trees,

The unmistakable sound

twig snap on the breeze,

Heart stop mind freeze

adrenaline coils tight,

Keep walking but fear grows thankfully

it’s still light,

The day slight overcast

a sense of heaviness in the air,

A russle of leaves a crow screech

an albino one so fair,

And there it is

the house comes into view,

A darkness on the landscape

it sits between two massive yew,

Ornate arched windows

glass reflecting light,

Imagine this place all lit up

like a beacon in the night,

Warmth of breath on your neck

a whoosh in the air sharp crack,

The people in the window your last glimpse

eyes fall closed rolled onto your back,

Eyes swim into focus

roadside against a tree on the floor,

How’d you get here dreams of a house

your head hurts more and more,

Stand look across there’s an old gateway

cracked pillars iron gates shut tight,

It’s dark but you swear oh you swear

you’re being watched on this night,

Your car covered in debris and leaves

it was shiny clean when you stopped,

Looks like it’s sat here for weeks

a note under windscreen propped,

Forget

it says,

The wind brushes around you

hits the car and it sways,

Key already in the ignition

why would you leave it there,

Back out onto the road lights they catch

the dark eyes such a glare,

No one there but you feel it

you bare a mark,

You’ve been tagged by a hunter

you’ve be chosen by the dark…

Ugh… I had this pretty planned out but the last 10 lines have gone to poop so am quitting it. I’ll probably find this in a 6 months or so, lose my crap at how bad it is and rewrite it better. But for now? Here you go… more words that I don’t like. I swear I can’t write for sh@t just lately. Sigh… oh well… another day I guess… sending you all a hug through the wire.x.

414…

…Right now I’m dieing inside

just a little…

…Right now I’m crying inside

just a little…

…But its alright, yeah it’s ok.

There’s always tomorrow,

while I fall apart today…

.x.

Hope is a “cap de pula”

“Hi! How are you?”

Those words… those words mean I have to bend the truth. I have to find a way to tell you what you what to hear. That I’m ok. That I’m doing good. Because you don’t really want to hear that I’m not. Again. So I show you that I’m good and I spend the day with a stupid smile and a happy positive vibe for you to see. And then later? I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from the pretence. The 1 woman show that I’ve put on for everyone to see. From where I’ve worked so hard to have everyone thinking that I’m ok and that I’ve not failed again. And then despite feeling exhausted? I’m awake at night clawing at my mind like I claw at my skin. And the anxiety builds and the self doubt builds and the darkness wins a little more and I smile for everyone to see and I’m ok. And I fail. All I do is fail.

It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to have been able to kick it into touch by now. I’m supposed to have snapped out of it and stopped moping and whatever other words I’ve heard people say… the past is in the past, I’m not a child anymore… grow up and get on with it. I’ve heard it all. But some scars run deep. They fracture you and physically break something deep inside. Some broken children heal and others don’t. The ones that don’t turn into broken adults. And it’s not their fault they’re broken. It’s not my fault I’m broken. But to me? To me it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to disappoint. So I’m ok. But I’m not… I’m tired of the games that my mind plays. I want out of it. I want to be rid of the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks, but most of all? I want to be rid of the nightmares. The things I see when I sleep. Or the terror I feel on the odd occasion I go to the shop and hear someone with that tone of voice. I want to stop being afraid of everything and everyone. Sounds stupid? Yep I know. But it’s the truth. Looking back, I never used to be like this. This bad I mean. It started getting worse about 7 years ago. I don’t know what the catalyst was. But now I question every thing I do, think, and say. I judge myself so harshly that I don’t leave any of myself left for anyone else to judge. It’s said that we are our own worst critic. I rip myself apart before anyone else gets chance to realise just what a failure I am. Because if others found out that I was less? Then they would stay away. People hurt you. No one gets in therefore they can’t hurt me. Only I can hurt me.

Honestly? I’m tired of the whirlwind that is me. That is my mind. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions… I’m tired of me. I’m tired of fake smiling. I want so desperately to give up and yet, there’s this tiny stupidly annoying little thing inside of me… this tiny little spark… its called hope. And as much as I loathe myself? Hope keeps shining. Hope refuses to give up. Hope keeps me going…

…sigh…

Depression/darkness/anxiety/whatever you wish to call it… they are strong and powerful things. But hope? That tiny little sparkling glimmer of hope? It’s the most powerful thing there is.

So… I’m going through bad days(again), My poems on here have stopped(again). But? I’ll be posting soon because? Hope doesn’t let me quit life.

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