Tag Archive: Demons


~ Bottling…. ~

It’s raining
and I can’t help
but want
to feel it on my skin,

It’s typical English rain
lashing hard unforgiving cold
and I need it’s sting it’s burn
to set off the cataclysm within,

There are oh so many emotions
and they’re
all in bottles
inside,

They’re far to heavy to carry
and they’re getting ready
to burst
and I can’t hide,

And I’m
afraid
of the emotions
that swell,

Of the unpredictable grief
that’s brimming
and the hopelessness
that I know so well,

Depression
is my demon
he’s evil sly
and mean,

He plagues me
like a steady drum
as he knows
he can’t be seen,

He slips
chains upon my wrists
and trips me
so I fall,

I constantly
fight against him
but he doesn’t care
at all,

I scream
that I want sunshine
that I don’t want
his pain,

But he calls me
so enticingly
slips his arms around
and pulls me back again,

It’s a fight
always a fight
but I’m stronger
than I know,

One day
will I beat him for good
a day I hope I’ll
grow,

I can’t stop
these bottles from bursting
even though I
know I’ll try,

And I know I’ll fill
so many more
can’t deal with emotions
haven’t figured yet why,

I love to hard
care to deeply to fast
get hurt easy
that’s true,

I’m totally predictable
in my unpredictable-ness
and my bottles will burst
and I’ll bounce back I always do,

For now I watch
gray clouds
as they stream across
the sky,

And watch
my bottles from a distance
knowing to stay back
and knowing why….

.x.

———————————————————–

So I’ve learnt so far….  Everyone develops their own particular style of writing and as a rule, they tend to stick to it. My usual style is 2 lines and every second line ends in rhyme. Above is 4 lines, every 4th ending in rhyme.  I always find it slightly harder to write like this which is odd because I have a thing about 4 ‘ s. But as always my rules apply, write as much truth as possible…. So I hope you all like this one. The next poem I’m gonna change moods totally, away from depression on to something else.
Take care all of you and have a great week. Nem.x.

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~ Today…. ~

Today it’s raining
but I love the rain as much as I love the snow,
Today just like the rain
my heart is raining far below,
Today I wanna hide from the world
don’t wanna face it today,
Today I feel a burden
that I’m just in everyone’s way,
Today my mask
is slipping from the inside,
Today I feel I have
nowhere to hide,
Today I realise I will never be good enough for anyone
not that it really matters,
Today I shred me myself ripping bits off
leaving myself in tatters,
Today I just want to sink
into the blissful grey,
Today I’m trying so hard to smile
but happiness doesn’t want to play,
Today I sharpen the blades
and hand them to people one by one,
Today all the foundations I’ve built
reveal themselves to be sand and come undone,
Today is
a mess,
Today there
is stress,
Today I wanna drown
in every song I play,
Today I hate me so very very much
but that’s okay,
Tomorrow….
Tomorrow the sun
could shine so bright,
Tomorrow I could burst
from feel goods light,
Tomorrow will be better
and I’ll know then,
Tomorrow I’ll smile
and start building again….

.x.

I guess that’s just one of those things about depression…. you think your doing great, but all it takes it one negative thought, one second where you judge or second guess yourself. Just one moment, one second…. and your slipping back into the gray….

.x.

Don’t give up….

image

Don’t give up, keep going, your stronger than you realise….

.x.

Eye of the storm….

I haven’t written on here in a while so I’m trying…. I’m still writing but what I write annoys even me. There’s a demon inside me and at the moment I’m losing my fight against him. At the moment I don’t even want to fight. I’m tired of the desolate landscape of my feelings. I’ve had enough of the destructive war in my mind. And I’m sick, sick of the battle that rages through my blood, turning me to black, sucking me down, drying me out….
  Right now in this moment of clarity, in the calm in the eye of my storm, I ask myself if this is how it’s always gonna be? And I have to ask myself why?  Why depression?  Why am I affected like this? What chemical imbalance of fucked upness happened to be like this? I guess that’s the million dollar question….
  I want a good night’s sleep. One where I don’t have to wait until my body is exhausted to get it, where it lasts more than 2 hours and where I’m not having nightmares. Apparently that’s to much to ask….
  I keep trying to loosen these chains to the point it just becomes about the chains and I’ve forgotten exactly why I’m trying to loosen them in the first place. To smile again, I have to tell myself, to smile on the inside, not the mask that the world sees, but to smile where it matters….
The light is there somewhere…. I’m sure of it. But the gray is so tempting, it lures me with false promises, it caresses and soothes in a soft singsong voice hypnotising, binding it’s self to me, wrapping it’s tendrils around and even though I know I should fight it. Even though I know the gray doesn’t actually care. It’s so easy to accept, to want to follow it, like a child pulled along by the invisible threads of a sweet shop…. I can’t help but follow, listening to this demons soft seductive voice calling calling calling….
And I somehow always follow, in a daze stumbling after it, in a hypnotic stupor,  drunk on its empty promises, drugged by its wondrous tales of how much better it will be. And each time it tells me to jump and I do, and each time I fall…. will I ever learn? Will I ever be strong enough to say no? Is that kind of strength possible? I honestly don’t know….
I think today might be my last day of calm in the eye…. I smell a storm coming on. I can hear the dusty clank of chains and the irrisistable sound of calling. I can’t help but want to follow the voice that I know constantly pushes me over the edge. For some strange reason I’m looking forward to the kiss and caress of my demon as he binds me and wraps his arms around me, pulls me into the abyss….
  Somewhere along the fall I’ll start fighting, I always do. And I bounce back to normal, it’s a slow bounce but yeah, I fight. I’ve never hit bottom of the fall, I wonder if there is a bottom? Or is the bottom where you just give up? Where you sleep for eternity? I don’t know and I never want to find out or should I say, I’ve never got to that stage where I’ve wanted to know for a 100%. I hope I never do….
  Group, 1 to 1, writing about it, talking about it, knowing and remembering my triggers. On and on and on…. Right now, right here, right in this moment, right when it matters….? I just don’t care….
As with what happens next….?
Only time will tell….
I will fight it…. I always do….

.x.

~ Demon…. ~

image

And he laughs and he laughs
as I weep as I weep….

.x.

I’m really thinking of expanding on this….
I think it could make a great poem, but I’d lose my hand and have it all just writing…..x

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