Tag Archive: Demons


…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

411

Writing to a song…

Written to a Nickelback song. About suicide and depression because my brain took 8 words of the song and decided thats the way its going.

~…No freedom…~

Dark body

darker sky,

One quick deep cut

say goodbye,

Blood slips down

White sheets turn red,

Soaking into

this once clean bed,

Breathing shallower

barely there,

Empty pill bottle beside you

your almost there,

A ghost walking hallways

in this damn house,

You’ve screamed so loudly

yet your silent like a mouse,

There’s so much noise

inside your head,

You crave the silence

better off dead,

Depression anxiety

you’re alone spiralling down,

Everythings got to much

its making you drown,

Vision is fuzzy

your fading almost time,

Heart gives in to much struggle

flatline,

And your here

stood beside your bed,

Look down at glassy eyes

empty vessel gone dead,

Now you’ll get peace

you smile and say,

But its not gonna happen

things aren’t going your way,

The screaming is louder

there’s nowhere to hide,

The darkness more vivid

everythings on the slide,

You thought you be free

you were so wrong,

You’re a ghost in this houses hallways

and the nightmares know your song…x.

Rebuilding 1 block at a time…

I crashed last month. Like always? I didn’t see the signs until after. Like always I hid how much I cried, hid that I didn’t want to breathe any more. I planned in detail again just how I’d do it. I’ve got a quick fool proof way. No come backs. No doctor will save me. But its just thoughts. Its what happens when I get that low. I know there’s some name for it. Where you plan it but have no intention to actually do it. I seem to purposely break myself and shatter my own defenses every time I try to build them. Honestly I’m tired of this game. So damn tired. I’m tired of building myself back up and pretending that I’m always ok. I’m tired of always showing the world a smile, and im known for it… that stupid smile. Its there hiding me behind it.

Right now I feel numb. No emotion is hitting me hard enough to get through. I’m just sitting here in my mind slowly building these glass shards up one by one. You’d think by now I’d have cut myself so many times that I’d build with something stronger. But no… I’d rather walk on broken glass apparently…

But you see? This is the thing with depression. It hits us all in different ways. Its sets us apart but in being apart we are together(these are my thoughts remember). It torments us with sweet nothings. Promises of things being better if we just give in and let that dark gray soft depressive cloud envelope us in its warm embrace. But they’re not better. They never are. And yet so many of us give in again and again. Are you tired like me? Because I’m so damn tired of all this.

I want to be better. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to have to fight the feeling that my skin is trying to crawl off me every time I’m around people. I dont want to keep being afraid of people and places with lots of them. I dont want outs to my anxiety to be to claw my skin on my arms until I make it bleed(I’m working hard on finding ways to not do this including living in t-shirts no matter the weather because I cant hide it). I’ve often said over the years that I want to be normal. But what’s normal? To the outside world I appear to function fine. So therefore? I must be fine. I must be normal… Please remind me of this next time I’m on the bathroom floor crying so hard I can hardly breathe all while trying to make no sound so no one knows what I’m doing. Remind me of it when my own mind turns against me and drags me down shattering every hope I have, leaves me a broken jaggard mess. Remind me then that I’m normal. Because those times I forget…

So here I am. Back to the now. And I’m here. I’m starting to feel words again so I know I’m coming back. I’m building enough and fighting the numb enough and not just floating in it because floating in numb is easy and since when did I ever take the easy road anyway? I can’t quite catch the words yet to make poems. But I will. I have hope. When I have nothing else inside me? I always find a way to have hope. And sometimes things get so dark in my mind. But still always there is hope. Hope plants seeds. Hope can grow a blade of grass or a mountain…

Look at me here littering this page with my thoughts… I feel I’d have made more sense if I’d just grabbed a tin of alphabet spaghetti and played scrabble with it(now there’s an idea!). But I stick to the promise I made for this page… be open. Honest. Who cares if they think your a fruitloop? You’ve never eaten one so does it matter? The point is I’m real.

I’ve just seen something fluffy walk into the room and meow(well he makes a sound that sounds like “no”), in my direction… I’m going to say hello and touch the uber fluffiness because no one can deny a cat…

Hugs to you all at the end of the wire.x.

…Little thought…

~ Bottling…. ~

It’s raining
and I can’t help
but want
to feel it on my skin,

It’s typical English rain
lashing hard unforgiving cold
and I need it’s sting it’s burn
to set off the cataclysm within,

There are oh so many emotions
and they’re
all in bottles
inside,

They’re far to heavy to carry
and they’re getting ready
to burst
and I can’t hide,

And I’m
afraid
of the emotions
that swell,

Of the unpredictable grief
that’s brimming
and the hopelessness
that I know so well,

Depression
is my demon
he’s evil sly
and mean,

He plagues me
like a steady drum
as he knows
he can’t be seen,

He slips
chains upon my wrists
and trips me
so I fall,

I constantly
fight against him
but he doesn’t care
at all,

I scream
that I want sunshine
that I don’t want
his pain,

But he calls me
so enticingly
slips his arms around
and pulls me back again,

It’s a fight
always a fight
but I’m stronger
than I know,

One day
will I beat him for good
a day I hope I’ll
grow,

I can’t stop
these bottles from bursting
even though I
know I’ll try,

And I know I’ll fill
so many more
can’t deal with emotions
haven’t figured yet why,

I love to hard
care to deeply to fast
get hurt easy
that’s true,

I’m totally predictable
in my unpredictable-ness
and my bottles will burst
and I’ll bounce back I always do,

For now I watch
gray clouds
as they stream across
the sky,

And watch
my bottles from a distance
knowing to stay back
and knowing why….

.x.

———————————————————–

So I’ve learnt so far….  Everyone develops their own particular style of writing and as a rule, they tend to stick to it. My usual style is 2 lines and every second line ends in rhyme. Above is 4 lines, every 4th ending in rhyme.  I always find it slightly harder to write like this which is odd because I have a thing about 4 ‘ s. But as always my rules apply, write as much truth as possible…. So I hope you all like this one. The next poem I’m gonna change moods totally, away from depression on to something else.
Take care all of you and have a great week. Nem.x.

~ Today…. ~

Today it’s raining
but I love the rain as much as I love the snow,
Today just like the rain
my heart is raining far below,
Today I wanna hide from the world
don’t wanna face it today,
Today I feel a burden
that I’m just in everyone’s way,
Today my mask
is slipping from the inside,
Today I feel I have
nowhere to hide,
Today I realise I will never be good enough for anyone
not that it really matters,
Today I shred me myself ripping bits off
leaving myself in tatters,
Today I just want to sink
into the blissful grey,
Today I’m trying so hard to smile
but happiness doesn’t want to play,
Today I sharpen the blades
and hand them to people one by one,
Today all the foundations I’ve built
reveal themselves to be sand and come undone,
Today is
a mess,
Today there
is stress,
Today I wanna drown
in every song I play,
Today I hate me so very very much
but that’s okay,
Tomorrow….
Tomorrow the sun
could shine so bright,
Tomorrow I could burst
from feel goods light,
Tomorrow will be better
and I’ll know then,
Tomorrow I’ll smile
and start building again….

.x.

I guess that’s just one of those things about depression…. you think your doing great, but all it takes it one negative thought, one second where you judge or second guess yourself. Just one moment, one second…. and your slipping back into the gray….

.x.

Don’t give up….

image

Don’t give up, keep going, your stronger than you realise….

.x.

Eye of the storm….

I haven’t written on here in a while so I’m trying…. I’m still writing but what I write annoys even me. There’s a demon inside me and at the moment I’m losing my fight against him. At the moment I don’t even want to fight. I’m tired of the desolate landscape of my feelings. I’ve had enough of the destructive war in my mind. And I’m sick, sick of the battle that rages through my blood, turning me to black, sucking me down, drying me out….
  Right now in this moment of clarity, in the calm in the eye of my storm, I ask myself if this is how it’s always gonna be? And I have to ask myself why?  Why depression?  Why am I affected like this? What chemical imbalance of fucked upness happened to be like this? I guess that’s the million dollar question….
  I want a good night’s sleep. One where I don’t have to wait until my body is exhausted to get it, where it lasts more than 2 hours and where I’m not having nightmares. Apparently that’s to much to ask….
  I keep trying to loosen these chains to the point it just becomes about the chains and I’ve forgotten exactly why I’m trying to loosen them in the first place. To smile again, I have to tell myself, to smile on the inside, not the mask that the world sees, but to smile where it matters….
The light is there somewhere…. I’m sure of it. But the gray is so tempting, it lures me with false promises, it caresses and soothes in a soft singsong voice hypnotising, binding it’s self to me, wrapping it’s tendrils around and even though I know I should fight it. Even though I know the gray doesn’t actually care. It’s so easy to accept, to want to follow it, like a child pulled along by the invisible threads of a sweet shop…. I can’t help but follow, listening to this demons soft seductive voice calling calling calling….
And I somehow always follow, in a daze stumbling after it, in a hypnotic stupor,  drunk on its empty promises, drugged by its wondrous tales of how much better it will be. And each time it tells me to jump and I do, and each time I fall…. will I ever learn? Will I ever be strong enough to say no? Is that kind of strength possible? I honestly don’t know….
I think today might be my last day of calm in the eye…. I smell a storm coming on. I can hear the dusty clank of chains and the irrisistable sound of calling. I can’t help but want to follow the voice that I know constantly pushes me over the edge. For some strange reason I’m looking forward to the kiss and caress of my demon as he binds me and wraps his arms around me, pulls me into the abyss….
  Somewhere along the fall I’ll start fighting, I always do. And I bounce back to normal, it’s a slow bounce but yeah, I fight. I’ve never hit bottom of the fall, I wonder if there is a bottom? Or is the bottom where you just give up? Where you sleep for eternity? I don’t know and I never want to find out or should I say, I’ve never got to that stage where I’ve wanted to know for a 100%. I hope I never do….
  Group, 1 to 1, writing about it, talking about it, knowing and remembering my triggers. On and on and on…. Right now, right here, right in this moment, right when it matters….? I just don’t care….
As with what happens next….?
Only time will tell….
I will fight it…. I always do….

.x.

~ Demon…. ~

image

And he laughs and he laughs
as I weep as I weep….

.x.

I’m really thinking of expanding on this….
I think it could make a great poem, but I’d lose my hand and have it all just writing…..x

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