.x.
Tag Archive: community
Found this by chance on facebook….
Clever story and a reminder to us all not to be so quick to judge….
Harry haz no Sadu shared Political Cartons‘s photo.
Good isn’t it?
Happy hugs all
.x.
Every once in a while, you meet someone who totally spins you around who is always there at the back of your thoughts, who you are drawn to like a magnet. Sometimes it’s just for a little while, maybe 6 months, a year or 2,3 or 4. Sometimes, just sometimes its for life and no matter how far you can be from them and how many years can go by without seeing or speaking to them, the feelings don’t change. You are still as drawn to them as you always were. The floor slips away every time they are near. So how do you cope? Do you tell them? Do you just get on with life and leave these feelings burn? Maybe one day they will secretly burn out? What if after 10, 15, 17, 20 years, the feelings still burn just the same if not more strong?
It’s just a thought….
Anyway I’m gonna be posting a few all about the same person, Lets call them P.S. , over the next couple of weeks. Lots of different sides of how I feel. Hope they live up to what I’ve posted on here so far….
If by chance your new to my page ( I have new followers 😉 ). Welcome to my whirlwind, grab a chair sit back and enjoy the ride!
Happy Sunday and Happy Hugs ALL.x.x.x.x.
So I wasn’t really sure whether to write on here again? Is it a good idea? I don’t know…. So much has happened since November.
I’m fighting depression -and yeah I know I’ve said in posts on here that I don’t have depression- cuz to me to admit is to say I am weak, and weakness, is unacceptable. I stopped taking my tablets just before christmas. I didn’t like how they made me feel,think, how they numbed the edges of real, how they fuzzed the edges of squares and made them all freaky circles. I cared, I functioned normal but, I just wasn’t bothered, didn’t want to argue, didn’t have an opinion. I just was….
So new tablets and new doc to talk to ( I don’t like the “P” word or maybe it’s just the “IST” bit I don’t like? I don’t know.) This new docs ok, he has taken the time to read my file but most importantly is taking his time letting me talk and not asking about the fuck off huge Demon playing with fire glaring menacingly in the room. I think maybe that’s why I don’t like Mental health professionals. The ones I’ve been involved with through out my life want to get from 1 – 10 in a straight line as quickly as possible and don’t like the fact that I have a half million obstacles to go around, just to get from 1 – 2 most of which have been created with the sole purpose so that I don’t get hurt.
When I think of depression, I think of people with suicidal thoughts or tendencies. I think of people that would harm others, ie kill because they believe there is no better life on this Earth. I don’t think of the everyday depression, the one that affects millions of people. Maybe it’s time I did? People with depression are normal, they can act, function and appear as though nothing is wrong at all. I did/do. My noticeable depression was when I “crashed” just before Christmas about 8 days after stopping my tabs. Looking back I knew I was going to crash, the signs were all there, I just didn’t/never do, see them till after. When its to late….
So, if your still reading this, you may be this must of had a huge impact on my children? Strangely no. Like I said before, people can act perfectly normal with depression. I mean they grew up with my fear of being touched and that I flinch if someone puts their arms around me. They’ve helped me fight this with out even knowing. Just by being them, constantly throwing their arms around me and in how much I love them and how protective of them I feel. So hugs are now becoming a little easier and I can give some to others without feeling sick. As for hugging my kids? no probs there.
So what next for me and wordpress? To be honest I don’t know…. I have some poems that can still go on here. The poem Part 1 to this, is only the 5th poem I’ve written this year. I don’t want people that read my page to see it all writing and say something like…. Oh it’s to much writing on here now, I only follow for the poems. Then un follow. I don’t want to make it to “gray and gloomy” either as you don’t need to read and then feel grim. I’m going to think about this today, what I want from WP.
Well if you got all the way down here then firstly, I should check your awake and most importantly you haven’t died of boredom somewhere along the way? Hmmm? pulse checked. airways and breathing checked. Eyes open lookin at me strangely? Yup, you’re good to go! Thanks for reading my spilled thoughts, littered words, rambling letters, and sorry for the numerous grammatical errors (Yup there’s loads).
Take care all of you out there at the other end of the wire.
.x.
I feel….
Haunting melody
make it real,
Cuz stormy angers
all I feel,
Drifting thru a
dense dark wood,
So much chaos
so misunderstood,
Blinding shaft of moonlight
hits the course hard ground,
I’m standing at a
forked path there ain’t no way around,
There is not a sound
no inkling nor no clue,
Lost empty and left wondering
just what should I do,
Down each path lays hurricane memories
destruction pain fear self doubt lies,
Down each path the pain
the person the people that lay behind my thunderstorm the goodbyes,
Fragmented pictures torment
my mind,
Until closing me off from the world
pushing everyone away is the only respite I find,
There once was a time I
believed death was the way,
But then these nightmares win and I’m stubborn
so this bitch is here to stay,
And pills I guess they work
as long as they’re always took,
Until I have the courage to stand up and face them
from my hatred of myself and certain others I will never be off the hook,
So this is me I walk hand in hand with nightmares horrors unimaginable
my whirlwind is real,
The pen the paper words spilled emotions raw this is me and
I feel….
Today I’m crashing….
My mind emotions feelings thoughts
in free fall,
I couldn’t care less all reasonable thought gone
my happiness disappeared fuck you all,
Today I’m empty
void of thought,
I can’t remember what I’m doing
can’t remember the smile steps I’m taught,
I’m so tired
energy taken from flesh and bone,
Gray swirls around keeps negativity
i feel alone,
I feel so lost
so empty today,
My smile is gone
packed its bags gone away,
Darkness is calling me
smudges the edges of real,
Comprehension is gone
nothing makes me feel,
Today my heads
messed,
I struggle
to get dressed,
Today I want to run
away,
I don’t want to be me I don’t want to
stay,
Today I feel a disappointment
i feel hated,
Today I feel so low that even
unloved seems over rated,
Tomorrow I may feel better happier
or just the same,
I can’t guarantee I’m gonna be ok
i’m on depressions board game….
.x.
“Ooooooh, I can’t quiet reach them.” Says the 13 year old standing on his tiptoes.
“You don’t need those, there are biscuits in the cupboard.” Says his mum.
The 13 year old sighs and suddenly looks so much younger instead of so much older than his 13 years. He looks through the biscuits in the cupboard. “But there are no jammie dodgers in here.” He says, taking 2 large cookies and stuffing nearly a whole one in his mouth pouting.
“How old are you?” Asks his mom?
“2.” He says walking out the door with an impish grin on his face….
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Well “Hi!” and happy Sunday to you! How are you all? Fantastic I hope!! 🙂
It’s sunday again so it’s time for me to aimlessly write a post about…. well…. anything and everything!!
I spent friday night having very little sleep up reading a book and then reading another which I’m about half way through, so very tired, which, was made very obvious today at the market. My 3 yr old munchkin and I got back to the car first and as I had bought her an ice-cream, I sat her on the car bonnet so she could sit and eat. Feeling the gloriously warm sunshine ( we’ve had so much rain lately), My body wanted nothing more than the pleasure of sleep, while my mind, tried it’s very hardest to concentrate on the munchkin sat next to me chattering away while eating ice-cream and, make my mouth work words in answers to her questions. Poor brain I do believe I have started to take it for granted, and I’m sure I can see my subconscious standing there with her hands on her hips like some washer woman waggling her finger at me saying “Don’t you think it’s time you started taking care of yourself? Oh yes, I forgot. Don’t know how to think do you!!” Evil subconscious!! 😉
The rest of today passes in a mindless blur of cleaning, washing, clothes folding, talking, playing with my children and cooking. which leads me to the incident with the balloon….
My eldest daughter went to her yr 6 school leavers disco on friday and bought a helium balloon home. On saturday she wrote MUM on it and declared it mine as she was sick of the munchkin trying to claim it. Now I understand where the munchkin is coming from…. A helium balloon is a magical mysterious thing, how does it go “up” all by its self? it seems to have a will of its own, why does it fly? The munchkin is mystified by this and, thinks that the best thing is to play with the magical friend balloon.
Today we give in and munchkin has spent the afternoon playing with balloon. Every time she lets go, balloon flies to the ceiling and then she stands on her play table and gets balloon down again. All of this is ok until the ribbon holding balloon comes free. Balloon now sits on the ceiling out of her and my reach. I stand on the edge of the settee and ask 13 yr old to just old my hand so I can stretch out enough to reach it. 13 yr old first says no then when I am distracted by over reaching his tickles me laughing his head off! As I fall off the settee he jumps on to it and not being tall enough, jumps to grab balloon, missing and sending balloon across the room towards the computer. Not to be outdone he climbs on to the computer chair, a leather swivel chair, can you guess what’s gonna happen?
Yup he jumps….
13 yr old does the biggest jump he can to get balloon and the computer chair leg snaps, 13 yr old goes flying on to me and knocks me over, we both jump up and all I can do is pee myself with laughter at the broken chair leg. His dad is gonna go absolutely mad and will throw an almighty paddy when he finds out. But 13 yr old has an idea! He gets his dads extra strong industrial tape and winds it around the broken leg. when all done it is sit-on-able again. He looks at me as if to say job done!! and says “don’t worry mum, dad won’t notice!”
So the question now is when will he notice? When he does, both 13 yr old and I will deny knowing anything about it as we secretly smile! 🙂
Well I hope the rest of your sunday is fantastic and, I wish you all luck and hugs for the coming week. Off to my sisters for the day tomorrow, she lives 75 miles away, I can’t wait, miss her loads!!!!!!!
Wow I do believe this is the most I have ever wrote on here!
Happy hugs all.x.
Do you dream….?
.x.
Come with me to the big oak tree
we’ll sit under the sky,
The sun shines down through lazy breeze
as we watch the dragonfly,
The blades of grass
all shades of green,
Some ladybugs and
a cricket unseen,
On this hill as we lay
back relax and close our eyes to cloudless sky,
A gentle breeze through dappled shadows
makes the big tree sigh,
As I lay here next to you dear friend
I contemplate on why,
5 minutes out
from our busy lives,
Demanding partners
children wives,
5 minutes to listen
to the oak tree sigh,
5 minutes to look
at the cloudless sky….
The great thing about good friends is you don’t always need conversation…. Sometimes just being with them in the quietness….the stillness…….. Just take 5 minutes….
.x.
In which I go backwards to try going forwards again and catch those letters….Or maybe I just need a bigger net?
So, I haven’t been here in a while(writing I mean). I’ve been here reading, reading all of your posts(yeah I know I’m rubbish when it comes to commenting) but still, I have been reading! Once upon a time writing was an amazing thing to do, something that was far beyond me. We all learn to write I hear you say, did those stories when we were 7,8 and 9? Well no I didn’t! I went to 5 schools as a kid and the only thing they all had in common was that if, you knew the basics they would help and teach you. If you didn’t, you’d get coloring’s and stories to listen to. I didn’t. When I started secondary I could spell about 10 words, 3 being my 1st, 2nd and last names. I had to get to year 9 before things finally started making sense. Sad? No. It was life and as I came from a screwed up background it was the norm.
I used to look at at people who could write and feel so envious, how could they capture life and stick it on a piece of paper? How did they get the pen to flow? Would I ever be able to do what they did? The answer came when I moved schools. I was in yr 10 and had found myself at yet another secondary school, my previous school had said that I wasn’t very intelligent and was very disruptive(true). To put me in the correct set for English the head of department asked me to write about myself, just a page. I’d done half a page when he had a look and saw how it was going and there, he saw the potential! It was there I could write!! I ended up in 2nd set being disruptive kept me out of 1st 😦
So school over and I can write. Life goes on I write in books, scraps of paper, napkins, receipts what ever I find, I write on the internet, I delete it all, life carries on…. I find word press I start tipping my mind out onto the keyboard and come to now…. Where have the words gone? I can’t make a poem any more…. It appears that spark that thing I need to write has done a runner. If you see it please give it a good kick up the …. and send it on its way home, Thanks!!
Until it comes back, I’m gonna keep reading all your posts (and as usual not commenting).
I’m gonna carry on being with the people that make me happiest…. my children….
Well, if you managed to make it to end(this is it!) with out falling asleep, and no, matchsticks propping your eyes open don’t count (that just makes you look funny), I’m going to post a picture, it’s new and every time I see it I just have to smile….
That’s my baby girl, the youngest of 6. Dare you not to smile 🙂
Happy hugs all and smiles your way.x.
.x.
An empty space.... 