Tag Archive: blogging


Holding it high

and breathing in,

Summer days

on sun tanned skin,

A hit of mint

freshest summer breeze,

A swirl of a memory

sung through the trees,

Strawberry Sweetness

glides across the tongue,

that burst of brightness

rolled up in sun,

Making light pink herbal tea

stewing in a cup,

A little summer garden in my infuser

drink up…

.x.

Wild grass…

Wild grass

in the breeze

wild grass

grown past knees,

White fluffy coluds

in a sky clearest blue,

Warm summer sun

warm you right through,

But my eyes aren’t on the sun

or the clouds or skies of blue,

They’re filled with visions that I can’t see

filled with thoughts of you,

As the wild grass

it does sway,

My mind it spins

those thoughts away,

Your voice your words

your promises your lies,

Velveteen lies

of us together,

Silken promises

of us together,

The heartbreak as

you walked out the door,

The brokenness

of us no more…

Ghosted…

And I kissed every step

your bare feet stepped up on,

The rail where

your hand laid thereupon,

I followed the ghost

of your scent down the hall,

Your my highest high

biggest downfall,

My very own drug

and I in a hopeless trance,

I’d steal stars from the sky

to light your way give me a chance,

You don’t notice

you don’t care,

I’m just a ghost

not even there…

.x.

Eccedentesiast Messages.

“Hi! How’re you?”

I have bad days more than good. I’ve fallen apart so much this year that I’m running out of string and glue to hold myself together. I’ve shut everyone out and I mean EVERYONE. Ease don’t take it personally that I don’t talk anymore but I got hurt bad this year because I finally believed in someone and let my guard down a little. 5 years. 5 years I’d known them and everyone said that they were a user and no good for me. They turned on me badly when I was at a very low point and I considered ending my life. So now they’re out of my life but it’s caused a knock on effect and now I don’t want anyone near me. I don’t want to talk to people. My confidence is gone. I just want to stay home and never see people again. People hurt you. I say it all the time and I’m always told that no. No they don’t. It’s just a few bad ones that take advantage. But YES. Yes they do. Time has proved it again and again. So I am quiet. I hate myself. I hardly sleep. My anxiety has presented itself in a new way now… I get the shakes when it’s pushed too high. That’s made me really self conscious. I keep telling myself that I’ll get over it. But when? But I’ll get over it.

“Hi! How’re you? I hope you’re keeping well? Massive hugs.x.x.”

For the girls…

I awoke with a start as light flooded the room, slipping out of bed I ran to the window. I dont know specifically what woke me but as I looked out the wide sash window, the chaotic sight told me the house and gardens seemed like they were the sole target of the raging storms personal vendetta.

The wind howled as it pushed ferociously harder, scooping up the long bench on the patio and hurling it across the dark grass. The rain beat down a cacophony of roaring drums. The murderous sky lit up with a jagged silver blue, zig zagging downwards in a blaze of fury to engulf the large majestic oak tree on fire in a torrent of crackling and popping flames. One of its large branches displaced and slowly being dragged away by the wind, as the once mighty tree released both smoke and fire into the snapping wind. The lashing rain slowly trying to extinguish the flames.

But? In the lightnings brightness? I had clearly seen another horror, the river had burst its banks unable to cope with the torrential onslaught of rain, and was now creeping across the once lush lawn in a deluge of water, mud and bracken towards the house…

BANG! My door hit the wall as it flew open revealing both my cousin, my best friend and my younger sister.

“Thomas…” my sister Amber said fearfully.

“Where are the twins?” I replied whilst striding across the room towards the trio. My best friend Dominic was the first to turn back towards the hall as an almighty crash followed by shrieking and the sound of bare feet, that could be heard just above the din coming towards us.

My 10 year old twin brothers Lucian and Nicholas hurtled past, barging through us and diving into my bed with our frightened youngest sister Blaire.

All eyes looked to me. As the oldest at 22, I had been head of our family ever since all our parents died when dad’s boat sank while they were all on holiday together. Dominic, my cousin Liam, and my siblings and I, had all been left parentless just like that. And being the eldest by 10 months meant that I was thrown head first into being in charge and the one they all looked to…

Lightning again streaked across the sky, ripping through the storm clouds and brightening up the room.

“Shoes and coats everyone. We’ve got to be fast.” I said with more determination and confidence than I felt.

“With the flooded river fast approaching the house, its not safe here any more.”

I said a silent prayer as everyone got their things ready to leave. We would be okay. I am Thomas Kingsley. Head of the Kingsley family, and I would protect us all. I gave myself the pep talk my dad used to give, before grabbing Blaire’s teddy and leaving the room…

So… the above was written for my 2 younger girls. Its was simply to show that you can have “fun” with your descriptive words and not to be afraid of using them. “There are so many easier ways to write that.” My younger daughter said. But her elder sister pointed out that while there may be easier ways to write the same thing? When you write a story? You want the person reading it to be able to see, hear, smell and feel everything you write(love this girly!).

I’m not really any good at stories but hey, I try. While I’m still struggling to actually finish a poem, my drafts section is getting larger and larger and my notebooks pages are being filled, I thought I’d leave you this. Constructive criticism most definitely welcome! Or if you just want to tell me to stick with the poems? I agree! 🙂 I am still playing with words even though I’m quiet.

Massive happy hugs to you all at the other end of the wire.x.

…Change your mind…

Drip drop drip drop

the rain so falls heavy down,

Harder harder into the mud

spinning through time you drown,

Drip drop drip drop

sounds like marching,

From their homes their lives

their loves departing,

Marching through

time,

Running down

the line,

Hit pause

and spin rewind,

Another place

trace lines,

Arcing backwards

past times,

Time stops

rewinds,

Fields of red

fields of red,

All those men

so many dead,

Bloody battles

sparks fly,

Burning arrows

across the sky,

Clang of sword

and shield clash,

War cry

armour crash,

Chieftains warriors

barbarians men,

So many so different

all the same but then,

The hungry cry

of injustice fight,

Hunters prey

right through the night,

Picking fighters off

one by one,

Their goal objective

make the other undone,

Chains that bind

whips slash,

Guns go off

bodies fall so rash,

Innocent words

called liar liar,

Bodies burn

callously set on fire,

Defining moments

encapsulated in time,

Consequences spin along

run through the trace line,

And now here in the present

man against man,

So many injustices

wheres this promised land,

Fighting and riots

march protest in the street,

Your colour your creed

Shouldn’t define who you meet,

Its just the colour

of your skin,

But I saw that girl with bleach

thinking she’s a sin,

We are all equal

we all are the same,

Bigoted people

have you no shame,

Look what your doing

push your narrow mindedness on the young,

Do not make them

what you have become…

.x.

(This post is going to be a little different than normal. Well maybe it might be. We shall see).

You can take that in more ways than one…

How do you feel? With my fingers usually. But sometimes its far better to feel with the tongue… ICE CREAM!!! You don’t feel ice cream with your fingers do you?! (Perverts).

But for this post I’m on about a different meaning. How do you feel? Honestly? I dont know.

Its still feeling like I’m on autopilot and emotions aren’t hitting hard enough to burst through and make me real again. Last night I sat and cried as I felt so sad. So I know that the feelings are there. They just won’t stay. I need them to stay so that I’m real. Because if I don’t feel like I’m real? Then what am I?

There’s so many thoughts going through my mind and if they’d just slow down from 100mph to maybe 80mph? I maybe just might be able to make sense of just one…

Yeah my brains the traffic and I’m the damn squirrel… why don’t these cars ever run out of fuel? Oh! They are pixie powered?! Fudging pixies… 🤬😡😠

Hows your week been? Yes, I am asking you. And yes… im asking you to. I see you sat in that chair quietly thinking “Who me?” Yes… YOU. Dont try and hide behind your cup. I can still see you. Shy huh? Don’t spill your drink! Ok ok… I’ll let you drink in peace. Wait a sec… is it a nice drink? Whats in your cup? I’m curious now…

Sigh… the week has gone ok in our house. I’ve busted the 11yr old 7 times for YouTube when she was supposed to be on Google classrooms(i swear as soon as my back is turned!!). But I listened to her French lesson. Really good! Oooooo… we had snow ❄ I love snow ❄ like I really really really love that white cold stuff! Me and the 11yr old had a snowball fight(we needed it). It made her late for her French lesson, so she’s about 11 minutes late and I say to her… just be honest. Say sorry and tell him why you are late and that im here if needs be. This French teacher is fab(knows all of my Kiddos), he says “ok ….. catch up please.” So she did. At the end of the lesson he let’s them go 5 minutes early and says go do something that makes you smile. Like have snowball fight! The best bit about that is that the pupils in that lesson had about 20-25 minutes before the next lesson and yes, we went back outside. But listening? We could hear some other kiddos out playing in the snow to. Its good to get outside.

The 15 year old has been doing really well plowing through her work. I mean I cant fault this girl. She’s really putting in the effort. Yep she’s still worrying about the GCSE’s. Every bit of work is proof she deserves her grade. I’m proud of her. She even asks me to reread and discuss word changes just like the 11 year old does. The 15 year old has finalised her college application and after our talk in getting it complete she’s not only sent it off but had her first email from them so she’s happy. She wants to work with children. This girl has the mum gene(If you know? You know). I always laugh and say that if I died? They wouldn’t go to my eldest girl. They’d go to the 15 year old. She’s got this amazing way with kiddos and has all the qualities you’d want from someone to look after them/work with them.

The 17 year old who is 6th form is also doing well. But he’s yet to decide what he wants to do next… he has a love of history and science and food. Erm… but not the science behind the history of food (well he might be into that!), each subject separately. Waiting to see how he feels and what his thoughts are as to what he does next. Interesting food lessons on Google classrooms this week and I’ve been made to laugh.

What I really noticed, especially with lockdown this time is just how much effort these teachers put in. I mean yes, I know they put in a sheer amount of effort into every single class. I know that teaching comes with so much hidden stuff that happens before they even get to the teaching part. I know teachers. I know just how hard it is and that no one goes into teaching for the money. But listening to these teachers keeping our kiddos engaged in working through lessons online and commenting something individual to each of our children making them know that they are being listened to. You rock teachers 👏👏

Currently I’m sat in my favourite place… yep you guessed correctly… kitchen floor. I’ve got the music playing(of course). Current song is Nickelback “Gotta be somebody.” A random list is playing out of 500 songs so I get a surprise every time.

I don’t know if writing all of this has done me any good? Or even why exactly I’ve written it all. I guess you can see that I’m normal I guess… wait… I’m normal?! EWWWWWW!! I dont want to be normal 😱

So I’ve just come back inside from telling my fluff ball to get in the house and hes just sulked past me and walked upstairs. I swear this cat is a sulky teenager sometimes and grumpy old man other times. He’ll be 5 years old this year but officially he’s not 2 years old for another 3 years. (I can see you sitting there trying to work that out you know🤭). Fluffy suits our family and I even admit that he is very much like his owner… completely anti social to everyone and every thing outside his family…

⬆️⬆️ every time I read that? I agree with Dracula. He kinda had it right. However my castle would have glitter inside and black because I like black but also pinks and blues and purples, oranges, lellows… and rainbows and unicorns and dinosaurs and kittens and stuffies!! Yeah… I’m kinda girly and I freak out at spiders… erm… just like that⬇️⬇️

ONLY DON’T KILL IT!!!! PUT HIM OUTSIDE. ITS COLD? PUT HIM IN THE SHED. EEKKKKKKKKK!!!! GET HIM AWAY FROM MEEEEE!!!! *As I scream like a girl and run and lock myself in the bathroom because the maybe the shower curtain and door will save me. Yeah… I know… and I’m supposed to be the adult…*

I know I haven’t really picked a subject to talk about this time for my post. I guess I’m just being real(like always), and just wanted to see where this post would take me. Because sometimes things come out when I write that I dont see until after I’ve published. In just letting my fingers play across the screen tapping away? I’m showing that despite the fact I’m clearly broken, I’m also human and I’m also trying and most importantly I’m real. In my day to day? I hide behind everything. I dont let people see when I’m falling apart. No one would guess that this afternoon I was in floods of tears(yeah bathroom floor). The world around me sees a smile. People that know me, know me as someone who is always ok. Someone who always has her shit together. But everyone on here? You all know that I cry nearly every day. You know that there are times I dont want to breathe any more. You see me. You see the real me. Eccedentesiast. That’s me. I’ve said it for years. I’ve perfected my mask for the world to see… that smile. Ive brought new tea. Remember my post about being caffeine free and my now love of Chamomile tea? Well I brought

And yeah… I drank it last night and got about 4 hours sleep!! (4 hours is an amazing amount of sleep!). So will be drinking more. I need honey in this though…

Anyway… I’ve written loads. Chamomile tea is calling me. Too early for that sleepwell stuff.

Hugs to you all at the other end of the wire…x.

Edit… I have a song to go with this post…

Perfect!

…Lost in thought…

Watching you
so dainty and sweet,
Tiny little nose
soft fluffy feet,
Nose boops and soft purrs,
You jumped up on the counter
just to watch what I’m doing,
and glare at that yucky white stuff
that is all over the floor outside the window.
Yes yes… you shouldnt be on the counter.
I’m spraying it again huh? I’ve cleaned it 4 times already today.
Your tail curled around your feet.
That tail that gets people talking, how they know your mine, tail as long as a normal cat and so fluffy!
If only everyone that has ever seen you
would know that at home the shy timid streak of white and black that runs so fast from everyone, actually likes to be cuddled…
on your terms!
You look at me and I see it,
Those eyes that hold so much knowledge,
Those other worldly eyes of greens and yellows that appear to change colour…
Chicken? Those eyes say.
Always for you.
You and your chicken obsession.
But not just any way, cut it small or you won’t touch it.
Watching you eat with that tiny mouth so dainty.
My fluffy friend.
That purr…
Oh that purr so loud out of someone so small.
I get so lost in watching you that I dont hear the pan on the hob boiling.
Ooopppssss…
So lost in the magic that is you.
Once cats were revered as G*Ds. With time we forgot. But cats did not.
How I love that saying and believe there’s truth in it.
You may be young but you have such an old soul and I see it every time I get lost in watching you…x.

Rebuilding 1 block at a time…

I crashed last month. Like always? I didn’t see the signs until after. Like always I hid how much I cried, hid that I didn’t want to breathe any more. I planned in detail again just how I’d do it. I’ve got a quick fool proof way. No come backs. No doctor will save me. But its just thoughts. Its what happens when I get that low. I know there’s some name for it. Where you plan it but have no intention to actually do it. I seem to purposely break myself and shatter my own defenses every time I try to build them. Honestly I’m tired of this game. So damn tired. I’m tired of building myself back up and pretending that I’m always ok. I’m tired of always showing the world a smile, and im known for it… that stupid smile. Its there hiding me behind it.

Right now I feel numb. No emotion is hitting me hard enough to get through. I’m just sitting here in my mind slowly building these glass shards up one by one. You’d think by now I’d have cut myself so many times that I’d build with something stronger. But no… I’d rather walk on broken glass apparently…

But you see? This is the thing with depression. It hits us all in different ways. Its sets us apart but in being apart we are together(these are my thoughts remember). It torments us with sweet nothings. Promises of things being better if we just give in and let that dark gray soft depressive cloud envelope us in its warm embrace. But they’re not better. They never are. And yet so many of us give in again and again. Are you tired like me? Because I’m so damn tired of all this.

I want to be better. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to have to fight the feeling that my skin is trying to crawl off me every time I’m around people. I dont want to keep being afraid of people and places with lots of them. I dont want outs to my anxiety to be to claw my skin on my arms until I make it bleed(I’m working hard on finding ways to not do this including living in t-shirts no matter the weather because I cant hide it). I’ve often said over the years that I want to be normal. But what’s normal? To the outside world I appear to function fine. So therefore? I must be fine. I must be normal… Please remind me of this next time I’m on the bathroom floor crying so hard I can hardly breathe all while trying to make no sound so no one knows what I’m doing. Remind me of it when my own mind turns against me and drags me down shattering every hope I have, leaves me a broken jaggard mess. Remind me then that I’m normal. Because those times I forget…

So here I am. Back to the now. And I’m here. I’m starting to feel words again so I know I’m coming back. I’m building enough and fighting the numb enough and not just floating in it because floating in numb is easy and since when did I ever take the easy road anyway? I can’t quite catch the words yet to make poems. But I will. I have hope. When I have nothing else inside me? I always find a way to have hope. And sometimes things get so dark in my mind. But still always there is hope. Hope plants seeds. Hope can grow a blade of grass or a mountain…

Look at me here littering this page with my thoughts… I feel I’d have made more sense if I’d just grabbed a tin of alphabet spaghetti and played scrabble with it(now there’s an idea!). But I stick to the promise I made for this page… be open. Honest. Who cares if they think your a fruitloop? You’ve never eaten one so does it matter? The point is I’m real.

I’ve just seen something fluffy walk into the room and meow(well he makes a sound that sounds like “no”), in my direction… I’m going to say hello and touch the uber fluffiness because no one can deny a cat…

Hugs to you all at the end of the wire.x.

Write your own title…



    Well hi!  I’ve been bit quiet lately,so much going on and I’ve not been feeling the words. The kiddos first week back at school was interesting to say the least. They are fab and make me proud with the way they’ve gone straight back at it. The youngest is realising that idont mind her listening to music,it’s the gatcha life in lesson time I draw the line at. She’s been busted twice.
    A lot happened on Friday and although this isn’t going to be a long post, I don’t think it will be anyway, its Friday and what’s happened because of it I’m going to write about…
    Friday afternoon me and the 15 year old had a play tickle fight,loads of laughing and smiling and just fun. But I hurt myself (and yes I’ve found it hilariously funny). I’ve twisted or sprained my knee, well I’ve done something to it! By Saturday it was completely swollen and I couldn’t walk on it, que strapping it up to support it as I cussed and cursed around the kitchen, crawled up the stairs and almost cried crawling back down them, as I went off on one at the washing machine for washing clothes to quickly and the dryer for drying the clothes to quickly. Sunday, Monday, we’re now on Tuesday(20:38 UK time), and I’m still seriously struggling its still swollen, it still hurts, I’m still limping, still can’t completely bend or straighten it. But? Its still funny as fudge!
    Now… the more important bit and the reason I wanted to write and this is incredibly sad. On Friday a girl in my 15 year olds form class committed suicide. Needless to say everyone is still shocked. Sadness doesn’t begin to describe it. One of the popular girls who was kind, sweet, caring and beautiful. The school has offered counselling to all students and to all teachers. The teachers have talked to the pupils as each lesson begins both yesterday and today. I wrote previously that the years 2 of my children are in are exam years, there is so much pressure. And I mean an extreme amount of pressure. Covid has made it so much harder, lessons online is so much harder and our house is lucky that there are enough devices for all 3 youngest to be online doing class work. Everyone is feeling the isolation. For 15 and 17/18(Alevel)Yr olds across the UK? The pressure is immense. A support network is ringing every family to ask how their teenager is, after talking for a few moments I asked if she wanted to talk to the 15yr old who was doing her work near me. I have sat and spoken to my 15 year old a few times about what happened. Her brothers and sisters, us as a family, we stick together and we talk. It is a parents worse nightmare and my heart goes out to her mum.
     My last thought in writing this post is this…
          There are going to be days where you feel so alone. That no one understands,that no one is there for you. You will feel like no one cares and that you’re not worthy of love. There will be days where you can’t see anything other than the bleak greyness that appears to go on forever. There might be times when to not breathe? Seems the better option. When these days happen, when your thoughts are like this? I’m asking you to remember something important…

      You are a candle 🕯
If you went out?
Somebodies path would be in darkness.
You light their path in life
Probably without ever knowing
How bright and well lit
You make their life path.
You are important.
You are not just wanted.
You are needed.
And even if at times
You don’t feel it?
You are loved.x.


So as simple as it sounds?
Please don’t ever forget…
You are a candle 🕯

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