Tag Archive: Blog


Rebuilding 1 block at a time…

I crashed last month. Like always? I didn’t see the signs until after. Like always I hid how much I cried, hid that I didn’t want to breathe any more. I planned in detail again just how I’d do it. I’ve got a quick fool proof way. No come backs. No doctor will save me. But its just thoughts. Its what happens when I get that low. I know there’s some name for it. Where you plan it but have no intention to actually do it. I seem to purposely break myself and shatter my own defenses every time I try to build them. Honestly I’m tired of this game. So damn tired. I’m tired of building myself back up and pretending that I’m always ok. I’m tired of always showing the world a smile, and im known for it… that stupid smile. Its there hiding me behind it.

Right now I feel numb. No emotion is hitting me hard enough to get through. I’m just sitting here in my mind slowly building these glass shards up one by one. You’d think by now I’d have cut myself so many times that I’d build with something stronger. But no… I’d rather walk on broken glass apparently…

But you see? This is the thing with depression. It hits us all in different ways. Its sets us apart but in being apart we are together(these are my thoughts remember). It torments us with sweet nothings. Promises of things being better if we just give in and let that dark gray soft depressive cloud envelope us in its warm embrace. But they’re not better. They never are. And yet so many of us give in again and again. Are you tired like me? Because I’m so damn tired of all this.

I want to be better. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to have to fight the feeling that my skin is trying to crawl off me every time I’m around people. I dont want to keep being afraid of people and places with lots of them. I dont want outs to my anxiety to be to claw my skin on my arms until I make it bleed(I’m working hard on finding ways to not do this including living in t-shirts no matter the weather because I cant hide it). I’ve often said over the years that I want to be normal. But what’s normal? To the outside world I appear to function fine. So therefore? I must be fine. I must be normal… Please remind me of this next time I’m on the bathroom floor crying so hard I can hardly breathe all while trying to make no sound so no one knows what I’m doing. Remind me of it when my own mind turns against me and drags me down shattering every hope I have, leaves me a broken jaggard mess. Remind me then that I’m normal. Because those times I forget…

So here I am. Back to the now. And I’m here. I’m starting to feel words again so I know I’m coming back. I’m building enough and fighting the numb enough and not just floating in it because floating in numb is easy and since when did I ever take the easy road anyway? I can’t quite catch the words yet to make poems. But I will. I have hope. When I have nothing else inside me? I always find a way to have hope. And sometimes things get so dark in my mind. But still always there is hope. Hope plants seeds. Hope can grow a blade of grass or a mountain…

Look at me here littering this page with my thoughts… I feel I’d have made more sense if I’d just grabbed a tin of alphabet spaghetti and played scrabble with it(now there’s an idea!). But I stick to the promise I made for this page… be open. Honest. Who cares if they think your a fruitloop? You’ve never eaten one so does it matter? The point is I’m real.

I’ve just seen something fluffy walk into the room and meow(well he makes a sound that sounds like “no”), in my direction… I’m going to say hello and touch the uber fluffiness because no one can deny a cat…

Hugs to you all at the end of the wire.x.

Littles story….

“Tell me a story.” He said.

So she said his name.

He took a sideways glance, “Short story…” He mused.

She smiled. “There was One. But it wasn’t really One. It was missing a slight piece, so it was less than One.”

He look across again, wondering if she would continue.

“It spent it’s life being content to be less than One. Never quite being whole. But the world never noticed. And so One spent life looking whole on the outside but finding it’s self lacking on the inside.”

He was quiet. “That’s quite a sad story.” He finally said.

She looked up at him. “One gave up hope of ever finding the missing piece to make its self complete.”
“But fate and destiny are strange. When one gave up? The missing piece entered Ones life.”

“And does One feel whole now?” He smiled.

“Yes.”
“One is finally complete. No missing piece. One is now whole.”

“You are silly.” He smiled ☺

Random thoughts…

There are times

My thoughts get the better of me,

Times I think I should

Set you free,

But then we’d lose

Both me and you,

This love is worth it

The hard times to,

In loving you I’ve

Come to see,

There’s a well

Inside of me,

One that loves you

Endlessly,

My missing piece

Searched my whole life through,

I always felt empty

Until I found you…

~…. Storyteller ….~

The lies they slither

off your tongue,

And one by one I fall for them

completely come undone,

You weave your web fabricated

untrue,

And I fall I fall

such a fool for you….

Text me the blame….

There are dark secrets that travel my mind
it’s rough hard bracken and rain,
It’s twisted and broken spinning back through time
it’s an endless river of pain,
The memories they keep on haunting
even though I pack them on their way,
And that fucking horse he chases me
a nightmare I don’t want to play,
And it’s words oh so many words
twisting their way through,
They slap so hard I fall to my knees
then they stand me again before you,
And you you take my heart caress
then crush it beneath your feet,
You drag your finger under my chin
then knock me down when our eye does meet,
And it’s her voice and I’m 6 again
but I see with the eyes of now,
And it’s so messed up and sickening
and I see what your doing to him and I’m screaming how,
Every knock down I get back up
so much stronger than I know,
But these thoughts these memories this nightmare
try to break me as they put on a show,
I close my eyes and he’s standing over me again
his hand print across my face,
And my feelings they crack and splinter
shatter all over the place,
Now I’m back ten paces fighting this
and it’s all because of a text,
But I’ll stand again and fight this
because happiness is what’s supposed to come next….

.x.

Sometimes all it takes is a text from someone who knows the right words to use….

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