Tag Archive: anxiety


     Okay, okay… its a very “in your face” title. No this post isn’t about a world over run by zombie children  but? Zombie children will feature in it a bit further down.
     So? How’s your week gone? Has the house turned into a scene from the lost Boys in Peter Pan? No? Then you did good 👏  Now you might think I’m being sarcastic but a parent I know sent me a great pic on Snap this morning of the “masterpiece” her super cute twin 5 year old’s did at half 6 this morning with the caption… A nappy!! I just went to change A….’s nappy and they did this🤬🤬 
       This got me laughing and thinking of my eldest 2 who I learned many lessons from, including just painting in plain colours and always keeping an extra tin to pain over  “materpieces” oh! and if they go quiet? Panic and find them fast. They are up to something(80% of the time!).  My youngest has got away with nothing, simply because 5 tried this stuff before her and never got away with it(ok the first 2 probably did out of sheer shock they did whatever it was).
       Anyway… has the start of your week been good? I hope so! If it hasn’t? I’m sorry, I’m here if you want to privately just vent. And? I’m seriously hoping it gets better for you.x.
       This week has started ok. Yes, I know there’s still the whole week to go really… I was listening to the youngest do one of her French lessons this week and she moans… “You’re repeating what we already know and its all blah blah bl…” (goes bright pink), “Sorry Miss!! Ahhhh…. I mean I mean… ahhhhh!! Désolée!” (Looks at me looking at her amused as I hear her teacher explaing that she must learn to use the mute button when expressing her opinions like that). Yep we had words. She emailed an apology to her teacher. But we’ve… done an aerobics workout(pe), I did that one with her. Funny as hell!

Hows the month been for you? Not long until the end of it and look?! Heres you still going and breathing and coping(even on the days you feel your not). You’re acing this month!

Went for a walk late at night away from people(I dont do people) with the eldest girl. The conversation turned to Zombies and how we’d kill them but I cant kill Zombie kids and babies so I’d just round them up and put them in a big pen,this caused a bit of an argument as she said no. They’re zombies. Kill them. No. I said. They are kiddos. Can’t do it. So then she says well they’ll just eat eachother! Sparking a bigger debate… she asks if I’d save all the Zombie cats? Ahhhhhhh!! Zombie cats?!! I love furry fluffy kitties… I CAN’T KILL THOSE!!!! So apparently I’m going to help Zombie kiddos, Zombie babies and Zombie Cats rule the world as I cant kill them. Who knew?!

I know I’ve been quiet on here lately and its because I’ve almost completely shut myself off from everyone and everything that isn’t inside my house/garden. I’ve needed it. I’ve also been thinking about these little thoughts posts… I know I said I’d just title them all little thoughts but, if I i post 2 in the same day or quick succession of each other? Would it make others that read it think I’ve posted the same thing twice? I dont know… should I post them as numbers instead? Wondering if I should go back and change the 2 I posted today to numbers instead… think I will. I’ll start at 400 that can be my zero.

The Cat has just come in to me and meowed his annoyance that I haven’t moved to let him out which has made me look at the time… not too far from midnight. Maybe some Chamomile tea? I dont even miss coffee anymore really.

OK ok Mr Bear! I’m off to let this fluffy house dragon out into the night to do whatever kitties do…

Sending all of you at the other end of the wire a hug.x.

Write your own title…



    Well hi!  I’ve been bit quiet lately,so much going on and I’ve not been feeling the words. The kiddos first week back at school was interesting to say the least. They are fab and make me proud with the way they’ve gone straight back at it. The youngest is realising that idont mind her listening to music,it’s the gatcha life in lesson time I draw the line at. She’s been busted twice.
    A lot happened on Friday and although this isn’t going to be a long post, I don’t think it will be anyway, its Friday and what’s happened because of it I’m going to write about…
    Friday afternoon me and the 15 year old had a play tickle fight,loads of laughing and smiling and just fun. But I hurt myself (and yes I’ve found it hilariously funny). I’ve twisted or sprained my knee, well I’ve done something to it! By Saturday it was completely swollen and I couldn’t walk on it, que strapping it up to support it as I cussed and cursed around the kitchen, crawled up the stairs and almost cried crawling back down them, as I went off on one at the washing machine for washing clothes to quickly and the dryer for drying the clothes to quickly. Sunday, Monday, we’re now on Tuesday(20:38 UK time), and I’m still seriously struggling its still swollen, it still hurts, I’m still limping, still can’t completely bend or straighten it. But? Its still funny as fudge!
    Now… the more important bit and the reason I wanted to write and this is incredibly sad. On Friday a girl in my 15 year olds form class committed suicide. Needless to say everyone is still shocked. Sadness doesn’t begin to describe it. One of the popular girls who was kind, sweet, caring and beautiful. The school has offered counselling to all students and to all teachers. The teachers have talked to the pupils as each lesson begins both yesterday and today. I wrote previously that the years 2 of my children are in are exam years, there is so much pressure. And I mean an extreme amount of pressure. Covid has made it so much harder, lessons online is so much harder and our house is lucky that there are enough devices for all 3 youngest to be online doing class work. Everyone is feeling the isolation. For 15 and 17/18(Alevel)Yr olds across the UK? The pressure is immense. A support network is ringing every family to ask how their teenager is, after talking for a few moments I asked if she wanted to talk to the 15yr old who was doing her work near me. I have sat and spoken to my 15 year old a few times about what happened. Her brothers and sisters, us as a family, we stick together and we talk. It is a parents worse nightmare and my heart goes out to her mum.
     My last thought in writing this post is this…
          There are going to be days where you feel so alone. That no one understands,that no one is there for you. You will feel like no one cares and that you’re not worthy of love. There will be days where you can’t see anything other than the bleak greyness that appears to go on forever. There might be times when to not breathe? Seems the better option. When these days happen, when your thoughts are like this? I’m asking you to remember something important…

      You are a candle 🕯
If you went out?
Somebodies path would be in darkness.
You light their path in life
Probably without ever knowing
How bright and well lit
You make their life path.
You are important.
You are not just wanted.
You are needed.
And even if at times
You don’t feel it?
You are loved.x.


So as simple as it sounds?
Please don’t ever forget…
You are a candle 🕯

…Little thought…

  I fight with you, I listen to you, I give up and give in to you, you smother me to keep me safe so you say…

  I got asked twice on here why it showed I posted a post titled Female muse? No. He’s male and yet it cant be read… its because I made it private. Doubt has eaten such a hole in my thoughts that people/others/whoever would judge me for him. For being open enough to even include a little of our carefully screenshotted chat. For being honest enough to acknowledge that he has been my muse for over 20 years. For opening my mind into the thoughts and definitions of what a muse is and how,though we have never been lovers only friends, he has artistically been my obsession. Doubt won. The only person that knows he is my inspiration is him. No one else. But I started wondering, started thinking… we spoke the day before yesterday. A lengthy conversation. Both through messages and then a voice call, I don’t do voice calls(snapchat, WhatsApp or text me. Dont call me), but I did the brave thing. I did a voice call. I can be brave. I admit I was so nervous and my hands were shaking but? After a few minutes(and the Chamomile tea!), I was good. He has anxiety just like me, has issues not the same but like me, can’t deal with the world just like me. But our difference is that he not only holds an amazing steady job but its in how he has worked his life and kind of compartmentalised and locked off parts.

Anyway… I wrote the post. I thought it would do me good. I thought it would show that look… I’m just like any other weirdly obsessed word junkie… its real this muse thing, his normal conversations, just particular words or the way he laughs… it inspires me. But then? I’m too weird… its wrong isn’t it? Ah… I dont know… some of our conversation is eating at me even now… its messing with my mind to the point the last message between us was? “ok” not capitalised nor a full stop. I now doubt our every word from my endless overthinking and dont want to talk to him or anyone for that matter. Anyone up for a fort building session with pillows and blankets? Ugh… maybe not… so the post has gone. I mean its still there but its private and it glares at me!

Here’s a song for you all…

Jess Glynn “Insecurities.”

My mind is so alive with words right now and I really should write them down. Instead I’m letting my fears, insecurities and doubts eat them one by one. I’m questioning every thought I think. Second guessing myself. I want to give up on words but they just like music, are my blood.

I’ll put the kettle on and make Chamomile tea… I so miss coffee 😭 this caffeine free thing is going to kill me in the end I swear… 😒

Anyway… Take care all of you at the other end of the wire…x.

~…. Storyteller ….~

The lies they slither

off your tongue,

And one by one I fall for them

completely come undone,

You weave your web fabricated

untrue,

And I fall I fall

such a fool for you….

27….

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