Tag Archive: Alone


…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

Mental health… everyone seems to be talking about it just lately. It’s on the news, in adverts, all over the Web. You’ll find something about it in every place you can think of. We’re encouraged to talk about. It’s on the rise in all age groups. All ethnicities and it doesn’t care where or how you live. We’re encouraged to talk about it.

I don’t want to talk about it. Or more specifically, I don’t want to admit just how bad things have got. Last tear I could still wing it. Last year yeah, it was bad. It’s an endless yoyo a constant battle but I could function.

This year has been worse… this year I got talked out of commiting suicide, I had everything ready, no going back(thanks M). Now I think about suicide at least once a week. My brain thinks about the perfect way to do it with no comebacks but so that I’m not in anyone’s way or so that I make a mess(like going by train or taking a dive off something). I’m telling you, planning a murder is easier, and I planned one!(for a story!!). Every for every step I take forward? I either take as many or more backwards. This year I’m tired of fighting the darkness. I’m 41years old and ok I definitely don’t act it(adulting is a trap!), shit… 41years old and my whole life has been spent fighting something I can’t even see.

This year its changed too… I dread going out. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. And I’m trying so hard to still do it. Do 1 thing every day that scares you. And people? I’ve never really done people. People are the scariest things on earth. But now? I’d rather do anything than have to be around or near people. People are NOT safe. I guess if your reading this? You mind jumped to covid. Nope your wrong. When I say not safe? I mean because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt any more. My thinking is that it’s best to just give up on people but that’s where it’s tricky because naturally I want to help others. …sigh… I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of being proved right that if you let someone in? They’ll hurt you. Me? Even when I’m completely falling apart? I will never ask for help. That’s not my way. I could be crumbling and still crawl on and you won’t know.

Why am I writing? I don’t even know at this point… I just am. My rules for my blog come back to me every time I hit the WordPress app icon on my phone… always be truthful. This space is yours. Your 1 safe place. A place no one can judge you or if they do? Who cares? It’s not your neighbour(either of them), no one that follows you lives on your street. This is as the blog says, an empty space. A space for you to write your mind out. So here I am. Having spent the last few days having episodes of crying so hard I’m throwing up and walking around with the headache from hell and muscle cramps(probably from the crying,throwing up and lack of liquid intake). But right here right now I’ve got a cup of chamomile tea which is cold and I’ve still only drunk half despite going and zapping it twice. Here I am still outwardly holding my shit together and hiding how I feel from the entire house. Why? Because in this house I have no choice, I have to be the strong one.

Right now I despise myself. I know that I’m a let down hiding in plain sight. I have judged myself and know that I am less. I know that this world really would be a better place if I had never been brought into this world. But at the same Time? There’s this ridiculously stupid dumb part of me that says that these feelings are because of the darkness and why do I let it win? I don’t let it win. I just don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need a fucking hug and for someone to tell and to mean it when they say they are there for me and that I mean something to them. I need to feel loved. But I need to believe its true. The only one I ever believe cares and is there for me is the darkness. Depression gives the tightest hugs and I just want a hug. Depression will always stand beside me. In a fucked up way? It never leaves and I that there? That is what I need. I need someone who won’t leave because everybody leaves because in my fears I push them all away and let nobody in. But Depression doesn’t listen. It’s always here and envelopes me in its hugs washing me in darkness.

I know I have a problem. But admitting and knowing are two very different things.

…sigh… for today I give up…

Just a thought.

  There was once a girl who wanted so badly to visit a small island, in the center of a very large, very deep lake. Every day she walked along the shore of the lake looking at the small island. Every day a boat asked her if he could take her. Every day she politely declined.
   This went on for many months with the girl looking forward to the boat talking to her. Slowly she found she began to care a great deal for the boat, and delighted in talking to it every day.
  One day as the girl was walking along the shore to the boat, he again asked her if he make take her to the island? He said…. I love you and care for you. I will never do you harm, I care far to much. Let me take you to the island, you are a butterfly that deserves to roam a place as beautiful as that. I will wait for you and I am here for you. Never letting you go. The girl listened and thought the boat cared very deeply. She said yes and together they went to the island.
  The girl had an amazing time exploring. She delighted in the things she saw such happiness made her bloom anew. When light started to fade, the girl went back to the shore of the island to the boat. The boat was gone. She looked and looked and called and called. The boat had left her alone.
 
Be careful who you trust….

This

just one little kiss it’s just a smile,

Laid in the palm of your hand

for just a while,

Drop it 

in your coat pocket for today,

leave it there

as you go about your way,

Forget about it for a day

weeks months go by,

Safely in your coat pocket

my smile will lie,

Months go by

there comes a day that’s gray,

Your feeling irritable the day is rough

nothings going your way,

Your in the cold air hands in your coat

so much on your mind,

Scrunch your hands against the cold

fleeting memory you find,

Insignificant moment the kiss palm of your hand

dropped jokingly in your coat forgot for a while,

It matters not who gave you it

what matters is the smile,

A reminder we’re never truly alone

not even for a while,

Such a childish gesture

but now the ghost of a smile you have to,

The realisation somebody somewhere right now

is thinking of you….

.x.

At any given moment, somebody somewhere is thinking of you.

If somebody somewhere is thinking of you,

how can you ever truly be alone….

The Darkest Fairytale

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