Tag Archive: Alone


I lied.

I’ve only got one rule on here. Just one. Tell the truth. I designated this as a safe place. Its why I don’t ever want people that know me to have access to this place, so they can’t judge, can’t know how dark I am inside… well I broke my rule. I lied. I lied to myself. I lied in my words on this page. I said I didn’t know when deep down I did.

To try and move forward? I’m going to right that wrong, or try to… this might jump around as my thoughts spill and I’m not going to correct the order if it does.

The beginning.

I had this friend. She was amazing. You know those women that instantly light up a room and they don’t even know it? That was her. Her laugh and her smile. I can hear her voice now in my mind. It hurts to write about her. I miss her greatly. My friend got ill. Badly ill. This was 4 years ago. She’d already been ill and then it got bad. Lots of hospital visits. I was friends with both her and her husband. We’re Londoners in a place that is far North from London. We were from different times them being in their late 60’s at the time but we knew the same places, even a couple of the same families.

When two people have been married a long time, they become a part of each other. They become balanced against life. When one can’t give as much the other gives a little more until they can. It’s a harmony that makes the relationship strong. They know each other. They have those solidly built foundations. But when something happens to one of them, the other is left to give and give while worry eats at them. Their perfect foundations are being lost a brick at a time. They start sinking. The oncoming rising waters start to suck up their happy and that person is left floundering and trying to grasp onto anything that can give them normality. From the outside it’s heartbreaking so see. One slowly dies through illness and the other flounders in the depths of what they have no control of. Despair comes out of every pore. It affects their words, their tone of voice, their sigh, their walk, movement, eyes, the very vibe they give off. When two people have been together that long? One may be going to lay in the ground, but the other? The other disintegrates and becomes the ghost.

So… my friend was ill… I visited her lots, at home and at the hospital. I later found out she thought of me as a daughter, that made me cry buckets. At her funeral I openly cried because she meant so much to me. I go to her grave 3 times a year and cry every time. For the first year I got up and thought I’d message her before being hit with the knowledge that she’s gone. Knowledge I refused to believe. Denial. I know that now.

Where’s the lie in this? I know you’re thinking it. Its there. You just don’t see it yet. There’s another side to this. One you’re not seeing but I know you’re thinking, you’re thinking and believe me, it’s not that but… its close to it. Am I to blame? Did I do wrong? Is it all my fault? See, I’ve blamed myself consistently for this. I’ve said it’s my fault because of the way I naturally am. If you knew me you’d know. I hate me but how can I change what makes me… well… me? So I’ve blamed myself for this entirely. It has to be my fault because thinking that it might not be? That’s why I took 2 overdoses last year and wanted to die. I don’t want these nightmares that torment over this. Am I to blame? Is this my fault? Is it?

I care. That’s me. I don’t like people hurting. I don’t like them sad. I noticed my wordfued player only playing sad words yesterday and spoke to them through the chat function doing my best to make them smile(they told me they burst out laughing and were looked at funny), I’ve never really spoken to them before other than “good game.” ” Well played.” “Last play, good night.” You know… simple stuff but we’ve played against each other a fair while now 1 of my 4 regular players, My fifth is taking a break from the online world. Anyway… gives you an idea of me. I always want make a sad person smile, I want to be there and support friends going through hard times. I care.

I’ve dropped words about my past on here over the years, I’ve been honest about the nightmares, abuse, I had in my childhood and that my biological egg carrier and sperms donor are NOT my parents. My dad? He was my second Foster dad called E… and it’s incredibly rare I talk about him. He was my dad. There’s a poem on here for him. As for a mum? She died 2 days after my 6th birthday(when I was taken into care). I went to her funeral when I was 9(when I was made a full ward of court and all her rights were taken away and the last time I ever saw her as a kid). My childhood broke me, it crushed something inside and ground it to dust, can’t fix that kind of broken but can live with it.

My friends husband has always given me a vibe to be wary. But I loved her so ignored it. I can’t remember how it came about, but he knew I’d been abused as a young child. He’d ask questions or make remarks when he knew only I’d hear. It used make me uncomfortable and red flags up all over the place. He would pay me compliments and just general make a point to talk to me. I’d usually talk about his wife. I want to point out that they have 3 children. 2 boys around my age and a daughter. I never even knew they had a daughter for the first 2 years of knowing them. When saying goodbye to his wife? I’d always hug her, remember I absolutely adore this lady. I’d feel I was being rude if I didn’t hug him goodbye to so reluctantly I would. So I guess because I started it I made all this my fault… at some point he started asking for kisses. I have always refused. I’m taken. Taken by a fucking Saint who has loved me despite me being tainted by my past. He’d say do you love me? I know you love me. I’d said love you to his wife, My friend. She was ill. Seriously ill. Really seriously ill. Looking back he was breaking then. I just didn’t quite see it enough. When she was finally admitted to hospital with no coming out, I saw her regularly and rang often and messaged every single day and we’d message back and forth when she was up to it or one of her sons would type for her or message me to say she was sleeping. I will never have a bad word to say about this lady. I love her like you love a family member. I adored her. Her husband I’d see maybe a couple of times a week as our social circles intertwined. First thing I’d always ask is how is she? I could have seen her the day before and I could have just had a text message conversation,but still first thing I’m asking. I’d ask how he was? I’d could see this man breaking and needing just someone to be there that wasn’t his boys. I’d always give him a hug. I didn’t know his pain but I knew how I felt about his wife and it was hurting me. Somewhere through this, he started trying to kiss me on the cheek, tired on the lips. He’d ask for a kiss. Always I get out of it, I’d move, I’d say no. You need to know this… I didn’t want this. Alarm bells would be screaming everytime he was around. It got to the point where I spent an hour in the toilet at an auction to hide because he only turned up to the auction looking for me. He would ask me to come round to his house by myself for a couple of hours. The phone calls started, things he’d say, things he’d ask. He’d ask who was there and who could hear him talking to me. I’d later started to ignore it when he rang saying sorry I was busy when he’d ask. All the time I was still going to see his wife,My amazing friend. This beautiful kind hearted amazing lady that I was so damn lucky to be able to call a friend. Then came the day of that phone call… I was walking to go pick my youngest up from school, she loved seeing me at hometime and that smile on her face when she saw me would make butterflies and rainbows and sunshine explode from me in happiness. Didn’t matter that she could walk by herself. She liked me there. So I’m walking to the school and my phone rings, I didn’t even look. Why didn’t I look? I just swiped it and said hello? Then his voice asking where I am, who am I with? Then he started talking about his wife. I asked if she was ok? How is she? I’ll come see her tonight if that’s ok? Then he starts talking about his wife in a different way, something they “did” then says that he hasn’t had it in over a year. Then asks for something from me and explains in great detail what he wants and how I’ll enjoy it as its what I want and after we can go back to before if I want to. I said no. No. No.

Ok… so if you’ve been reading this blog for a while? Then you’ll know the deep effect that had on me. It opened something up and now the words I’m scared are here. Now I feel scared. I’m afraid deep down. But did I cause this? What did I do that gave him these signals? I tried to be a friend. How did I do so wrong? What was it I did? I need to make sure I never do it again. This is my fault, I gave him some green light into thinking I “liked” him. I most definitely NEVER have. NEVER. I just wanted to be a friend to a man that was losing his wife. My talks were about her. She was my Beautiful Sweet kind friend that would light up rooms with her mere presence, without knowing. It was just the way she was. Its my fault isn’t it, I shouldn’t have tried to be a good friend when I saw him breaking and crying and falling apart. He was breaking, floundering, trying to grasp onto anything. This shit spins around in my head where I say I didn’t ask for any of it but I must have mustn’t I? Otherwise none of this would have happened. The darkness inside me was finally starting to win about this time. And that day by his car when he spotted me and called me and told me to walk to his car with him in the car park as he wanted to ask me something about the Bluetooth in his car. Why didn’t I say I couldn’t? See? It’s my fault. I should have said I couldn’t. But no. I connected his phone to his car again. He put his arm around my waist and again tried to kissed me as I pushed

I can’t do this any more. I want to sit here and cry but every damn feeling is locked and I don’t want to touch that door. I’m here afraid and scared and I’m here alone. I don’t want to write this any more. I tried to push him away. Yeah he was like 68 or 69 or around that. He was bigger, stronger and I felt like a rabbit. I got away and told him no. Always saying no.

His wife died at 9pm. Not that same day. A couple of weeks later. A couple of weeks of avoiding calls and turning off voicemail. Of him learning to text and messaging me and me straight deleting them without reading. Then she died. I sent a message addressed to him and his sons and the daughter that was never spoke of. That only visited the hospital once the whole time she was there. The daughter that didn’t even sit with her dad and brothers at the funeral. But she looked like hell and she didn’t cry and didn’t go to the wake. I sent a message because I’d lost my friend and she meant so much to me and I was crying loads and I wanted them to know how sorry I was that they’d lost not just a mum and a wife but a truly rare beautiful sweet kind person. After about 4 days the phone calls started again. I turned my phone from buzz to silent. Even now my phone doesn’t have sound. Didn’t stay more than 20 minutes of the wake. Both their boys came up and gave me massive hugs, these boys are built like their dad and intimidate the hell out of me,they are around my age. The husband tried to call me over but I pretended I didn’t hear and someone came over to him stopping him. After I’d left he rang and wanted to know why I hadn’t come to him at the wake and why I’d left? I said that I was emotional and I’m sorry. It’s been a hard day and I hope he and the boys are ok. They all have my thoughts, him the boys, their wive’s and children. I actually met the wives for the first time at the wake. They sat in the pew behind at the funeral.

There were 2 more times he actually succeeded in getting me alone, one of which although he only tried to hold me scared me the most and blew away any hold I thought I had on the darkness inside. I don’t want to talk about either. I changed my phone number and didn’t give it out. He originally got my first mobile number from his wife’s phone.

I haven’t seen him since he got far to close and tried to give me a kiss me at the cemetery on her birthday last year. He’s told me that I hurt him and owe him a big apology. He’s asked why I keep my love away from him and he’s asked if he can take me out for a meal, specifically to a Chinese restaurant. What did I do wrong? Because I need to make sure I never do it again. I hurt him and I don’t know how to say sorry for being a horrible person. I’m so confused over this but under everything? I’m scared of this man. So 4 years ago, all the cracks started in me because of everything that was happening. Now I don’t want to go out. I get panic attacks, I sleep terrible, I have nightmares nearly every night. I’ve put weight on. I don’t see anyone if I can help it. All my friends are gone where I’ve pushed every one of them away. I don’t want to leave the house and I hate myself. Every memory that my mind uses the emotional block to protect me of my past,my childhood torments me on repeat. I quit writing on here my blog. I don’t do anything that I used to do. I don’t even take care of myself like I used to. Can’t remember the last time I did my nails that were always long and decorated, my nail kit is in the shed. Rarely wear makeup anymore. Live in comfort clothes, big baggy t-shirts. I don’t want to be touched by anyone. Even giving the kiddos a hug is so much harder than before. Shopping is an utter nightmare that I just don’t want to do. I can not shop in tesco at all, even the one closer to me. He shops in the bigger tesco. Any thoughts with regards to intimacy, just the thoughts of it I mean, make me want to be sick. I have more dark days than good. I cry way way to often and I don’t even know why. A lot of days I don’t want to be here. A lot of days I believe I’m a bad person that I only deserve to not be here. Life would be better if I weren’t. I tried for so long to say that everything that happened wasn’t the reason for this well of darkness to open up inside of me but in my truths? I know it is. So there’s my lie. That’s the lie I told on here. I said I didn’t know why things had got so bad. I lied. I did know. I do know. I just have never wanted to admit it. Because I can’t pinpoint the thing I did wrong. I know I’m at fault, why would he have told me I owe him a huge apology if I wasn’t at fault? Because I did wrong. I gave him some green light that I didn’t even see was green. Where is that point that I went wrong? I need to know it so I never ever ever ever do it again.

I know I’m writing this on here but irl? I never want anyone to know. This man is an upstanding man in a community, well known and well liked and very much used to getting his way. He scares me and the fact of anyone knowing frightens me. But at the same time? I need a safe place to let it out. I can’t deal with it all locked inside me anymore. I am being consumed by darkness and its eating my will to live. I am a bad person, that’s how I feel. I feel dirty and tainted and defective and like I shouldn’t be here. I’m confused. How do I fix this? Can I fix this? I just want to be me again. I want my mind to stop. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

Mental health… everyone seems to be talking about it just lately. It’s on the news, in adverts, all over the Web. You’ll find something about it in every place you can think of. We’re encouraged to talk about. It’s on the rise in all age groups. All ethnicities and it doesn’t care where or how you live. We’re encouraged to talk about it.

I don’t want to talk about it. Or more specifically, I don’t want to admit just how bad things have got. Last tear I could still wing it. Last year yeah, it was bad. It’s an endless yoyo a constant battle but I could function.

This year has been worse… this year I got talked out of commiting suicide, I had everything ready, no going back(thanks M). Now I think about suicide at least once a week. My brain thinks about the perfect way to do it with no comebacks but so that I’m not in anyone’s way or so that I make a mess(like going by train or taking a dive off something). I’m telling you, planning a murder is easier, and I planned one!(for a story!!). Every for every step I take forward? I either take as many or more backwards. This year I’m tired of fighting the darkness. I’m 41years old and ok I definitely don’t act it(adulting is a trap!), shit… 41years old and my whole life has been spent fighting something I can’t even see.

This year its changed too… I dread going out. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. And I’m trying so hard to still do it. Do 1 thing every day that scares you. And people? I’ve never really done people. People are the scariest things on earth. But now? I’d rather do anything than have to be around or near people. People are NOT safe. I guess if your reading this? You mind jumped to covid. Nope your wrong. When I say not safe? I mean because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt any more. My thinking is that it’s best to just give up on people but that’s where it’s tricky because naturally I want to help others. …sigh… I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of being proved right that if you let someone in? They’ll hurt you. Me? Even when I’m completely falling apart? I will never ask for help. That’s not my way. I could be crumbling and still crawl on and you won’t know.

Why am I writing? I don’t even know at this point… I just am. My rules for my blog come back to me every time I hit the WordPress app icon on my phone… always be truthful. This space is yours. Your 1 safe place. A place no one can judge you or if they do? Who cares? It’s not your neighbour(either of them), no one that follows you lives on your street. This is as the blog says, an empty space. A space for you to write your mind out. So here I am. Having spent the last few days having episodes of crying so hard I’m throwing up and walking around with the headache from hell and muscle cramps(probably from the crying,throwing up and lack of liquid intake). But right here right now I’ve got a cup of chamomile tea which is cold and I’ve still only drunk half despite going and zapping it twice. Here I am still outwardly holding my shit together and hiding how I feel from the entire house. Why? Because in this house I have no choice, I have to be the strong one.

Right now I despise myself. I know that I’m a let down hiding in plain sight. I have judged myself and know that I am less. I know that this world really would be a better place if I had never been brought into this world. But at the same Time? There’s this ridiculously stupid dumb part of me that says that these feelings are because of the darkness and why do I let it win? I don’t let it win. I just don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need a fucking hug and for someone to tell and to mean it when they say they are there for me and that I mean something to them. I need to feel loved. But I need to believe its true. The only one I ever believe cares and is there for me is the darkness. Depression gives the tightest hugs and I just want a hug. Depression will always stand beside me. In a fucked up way? It never leaves and I that there? That is what I need. I need someone who won’t leave because everybody leaves because in my fears I push them all away and let nobody in. But Depression doesn’t listen. It’s always here and envelopes me in its hugs washing me in darkness.

I know I have a problem. But admitting and knowing are two very different things.

…sigh… for today I give up…

Just a thought.

  There was once a girl who wanted so badly to visit a small island, in the center of a very large, very deep lake. Every day she walked along the shore of the lake looking at the small island. Every day a boat asked her if he could take her. Every day she politely declined.
   This went on for many months with the girl looking forward to the boat talking to her. Slowly she found she began to care a great deal for the boat, and delighted in talking to it every day.
  One day as the girl was walking along the shore to the boat, he again asked her if he make take her to the island? He said…. I love you and care for you. I will never do you harm, I care far to much. Let me take you to the island, you are a butterfly that deserves to roam a place as beautiful as that. I will wait for you and I am here for you. Never letting you go. The girl listened and thought the boat cared very deeply. She said yes and together they went to the island.
  The girl had an amazing time exploring. She delighted in the things she saw such happiness made her bloom anew. When light started to fade, the girl went back to the shore of the island to the boat. The boat was gone. She looked and looked and called and called. The boat had left her alone.
 
Be careful who you trust….

This

just one little kiss it’s just a smile,

Laid in the palm of your hand

for just a while,

Drop it 

in your coat pocket for today,

leave it there

as you go about your way,

Forget about it for a day

weeks months go by,

Safely in your coat pocket

my smile will lie,

Months go by

there comes a day that’s gray,

Your feeling irritable the day is rough

nothings going your way,

Your in the cold air hands in your coat

so much on your mind,

Scrunch your hands against the cold

fleeting memory you find,

Insignificant moment the kiss palm of your hand

dropped jokingly in your coat forgot for a while,

It matters not who gave you it

what matters is the smile,

A reminder we’re never truly alone

not even for a while,

Such a childish gesture

but now the ghost of a smile you have to,

The realisation somebody somewhere right now

is thinking of you….

.x.

At any given moment, somebody somewhere is thinking of you.

If somebody somewhere is thinking of you,

how can you ever truly be alone….

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