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Happened again…

I dream of dragons

and fearless knights,

Witches and Warlocks

fairytale delights,

Fae and Werewolves

inquisitive eyes glow,

They walk so quietly

howl each other down low,

Then head tipped up

with a howl so high,

Watch Demons and nightmares

glide across the sky,

Paws hit the dirt

a galloping roar,

The coming of

a ferocious war,

Teeth snap fur flies

power and rage,

Healers heal witches chant

words from a forgotten age,

Annnndddd… again I’ve lost my thread… if I can come back to this and finish it? I’ll delete and repost but? I wanted to post this to show that this, this above, is what keeps happening. My drafts are full of stuff not finished. Too many untitled and titled posts. All because I lose the threads. I lose the magic that is weaving so eloquently down my veins.

I’ve written quite a few times about wolves. Do I believe in fairytales? Fairytales are stories, all stories come from truths told in different ways. Each truth woven throughout time into the Fairytales we love today. Without seeming even more loony than I already come as? I’ll just say I have reason to be open minded to things. Just because we can’t see something? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, whether paranormal or supernatural. Ok I sound nuts…

Anyway… another poem for the unfinished list. …sigh… I’ll try again. Always tomorrow right? Maybe I’ll write better then… its disheartening to me just lately… I look at some blogs and they post sometimes 2 or 3 poems a day, like how are you doing that?! I struggle with posting 1 a day! Am I doing it wrong? Is it because I write it straight onto here and not on paper first? (Paper copy comes after I hit post). Hmmm….? I don’t know…

I guess in other really boring news? I went out Monday. I mean actually out walking. I was 5mins from home. I went with the eldest girl who understands my anxieties and is amazing at trying to remove my mind to other things. She holds hands, links arms and when I’m repeating I need to go home like a mantra? She’s telling me I can do it. She was brilliant Monday. It was about 9pm and we left the driveway turning left to the alleyway. That’s when it started, it started getting harder to breathe, I could feel my chest tightening and it hurt, my head started pounding and I was starting to feel dizzy. It was harder to get words out, tears started. And people wonder why I don’t go out? Honestly I love nature. Trees and fields and streams and rivers and walking without ever seeing another soul. Because that’s my fear… people. It’s not the going out, it’s people. I don’t want to be near people. Not anyone. You don’t live in my house? Go away from me. There are a few safe people but even a few of those are now no longer safe. I can’t explain this… this irrational fear of people…

Grrrrrr…

I hope your day is a great one today. I really do. I hope its good to you. Because good days are always the best. Whether its something big rhat makes us smile or something small and seemingly insignificant like a flower or a bee(I love both!). Whatever makes you smile? I hope you see it today because we all need a smile. Sending you all a hug.x.

You….

You took a blade
And carved my skin,
You used your talent
The perfect sin,
You made me fall
So deep in love,
That I would rate you
From above,
You played your game
I’m just a toy,
Here for boredom
For you to enjoy,
Someone online
Just a game,
Here until
Your enjoyment wane,
There was just one thing
You did so wrong,
You opened my heart
You gave it a song….

So now my heart
Is on the floor,
And you don’t give
A fuck anymore,
If I bleed or
If I’ve cried,
Because your toy is gone
Game died,
Tell me are you so empty inside
That you just don’t care,
And all those sweet nothings that you’ve said
Did all my words you share,
Was anything real
At all,
Or was it just a laugh
To let me fall,
Was I a pastime
For when you’re bored,
When you are all
I have adored,
So break my heart
I do love you,
I always will
Those words so true….

…Raining again…

It’s raining

I hear it I feel it slipping off my skin,

Change of temperature

a heat rising from within,

Why does the rain

always affect me,

I’ve always wondered

why it sets something in me free,

The rain drips

splish splash splish splash,

My pupils dilate

heartbeat speeds in a flash,

Drops hit the puddles

plop,

And I’m transfixed

emotions over the top,

Puddle ripples

with the onslaught of rain,

An overloaded feeling

running through my brain,

Coldness runs its icy fingers

down my skin,

Goosebumps

set off flares within,

feeling lost in waters caress,

Absorbing the magic

that it possess,

The beauty of

the rain so true,

Dark clouds covering

skies of blue…

.x.

You must be a musician

because You play me like an instrument,

weaving the perfect melody from my lips…

You kiss and caress

the strings of my emotions

pulling symphonies from my desires…

yes…

You must be a musician,

and I?

I Your perfect instrument…

.x.

Word play…

Crush

hush

feel the rush

a kiss

such bliss

heartbeat miss

caressing

undressing

your body’s such a blessing

your my one addiction

I’m suffering an affliction

babe I’m in your jurisdiction

my body’s singing a benediction

I need you with such conviction

just a little more friction

work me like a magician

I need you harder need you more

pressed against the wall spread on the floor

desire flowing from every pore

setting us on fire from my core

you hum in pleasure as you explore

your my one that I adore

you slow take your time each second of pleasure

teasing me at your leisure

look at me like I’m a treasure

you smile and slow it down

you call me queen but your my crown

you spiral my body a sexual meltdown

you set slow passionate fire to my soul

pleasure engulfs me whole

moans beyond control

we started in twilight

and now it’s pure night

we need to get some sleep before it turns bright

a soft loving kiss your arm wrapped around

in you I am found

we give in until our soft even breathing the only sound….

.x.

Not the kind of ending I wanted but to keep doing end words that rhyme… too many. But a little word play. What do you think?

Rollercoaster…

Emotions are a strange thing. I mean we need them they create a balance(supposedly), they allow us to express our feelings *picks up my mask* emotions are important(builds a wall around them). But… What happens when a person’s emotions become too unpredictable? What happens when they yoyo and become “wobbly” ? *calls in the demolition crew*

Imagine you’re on a rollercoaster. There are climbs, some to dizzying heights. There are swooping lows, some going so deep and down hill so fast that they are terrifying. There are loops and spins and thrills and anticipation and anxiety… then there are the parts where you’re just going in a straight line and you can’t see whats in front is it going to be a little dip? A little bounce? Or a sharp fall, like you’re free falling off the face of the earth? The straight becomes scary as you’ve no idea what’s going to happen. Anxiety builds in the pit of your stomach. Now imagine that the rollercoaster is in the dark with flashing lights and sounds and smells and memories blasted at you randomly, think of your biggest fears and worse nightmares, the depth defying soul crush despair and sadness and fear, but throw in happiness and laughter and light and warmth. Its all coming at you. Now add the fact the rollercoaster is going backwards so you just can’t see what’s going to happen next. Feel sick yet? Welcome to how my emotions are affecting me.

I feel like I’m currently walking a tightrope and I’m wobbly… I’m on that straight bit on the rollercoaster and I’m scared. I don’t want to drop back into the depths because that seems to be the only place I go this year. I don’t get enough happy climbs. I know what you’re going say… if I want to be happy? I need to think happy. I need to change what’s making me unhappy. I’m telling you that it’s just not that simple and I can hear you saying that it is… its not. And I really want to explain why its not that simple but you’ll never understand and if I opened myself up enough to explain why? Then I’m letting you in and I can’t let people in because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. I’ve been hurt so many times. I’d rather keep everyone out and not be hurt. I know what you’re thinking… That’s a sad way to be. But it’s not. It’s not because my fear of having that fragile child within me hurt again outweighs everything. To the outside world I’ve got my shit together, I’m just about always smiling. I’m quiet. But people never get in. No one gets near that fragile glass center that is me. Eccedentesiast. That’s me.

Here is different. Here on this blog, this space… its my safe place. Here there are no walls and I write. The most fragile form of me is here in the posts on my space. I crumble and build. Here I show I can give the love I so desperately crave back. Here I can rip my veins open and let my mind, heart and soul pour out. Here it doesn’t matter if I’m held together with broken string some days and good intentions others. Because Here I am safe.

So… here in my little safe place I have decided to make a nest of blankets and pillows and soft stuffs. You’re most welcome to come and get comfy. If you’re having a bad day? Come snuggle in. Don’t worry if you don’t want to talk. I don’t mind because I understand what bad days are like. If you just want a safe place to sleep? Here’s an extra pillow because I know how difficult sleep can be. If you need someone to listen? I’m here… oh… you don’t want to share with a female. That’s ok! See that guy with his head buried in a book? He’s like you. I’m sure he’ll listen. The point is that this right here? We don’t judge here. We won’t look at you with pity. We understand what it’s like to crumble and build ourselves. We understand the darkness and desolation. We understand the need for peace and quiet(and extra soft stuffs to get comfy in).

Now I’ve left you my thoughts… I’m going to leave you some songs. These I’ve just taken from my list that has played while I’ve written. I’ll try to give YouTube links for all of them. If there’s one thing I love? It’s music so I’m always open to a new song and I listen to every genre(not that this list is going to be varied). Here goes…

There you go… 12 songs in the order they played on my playlist as I wrote/stared off into space…

Sending you all a hug.x.

408

I don’t fear your heart…

I fear that you’ll see mine

and think me less…

I don’t fear you

I see your scars

and the deep lines upon your face,

I just want to run my fingers across your skin

and with my fingers trace ever battle

you’ve walked through, you’ve fought.

I don’t fear the sadness within you…

I fear you’ll see the darkness that surrounds me and turn away…

I don’t fear you.

I fear I’ll never be enough

.x.

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