I love you
and will love you…
in this life until
my dieing breath,
beyond this life,
and beyond the next.
I will search for you
in every lifetime
and I will love you,
with all my heart
in each and every one.
For my soul
is bound to you eternally.
You are my forever…
my always…
my One…
.x.
“Hi! How are you?”
Those words… those words mean I have to bend the truth. I have to find a way to tell you what you what to hear. That I’m ok. That I’m doing good. Because you don’t really want to hear that I’m not. Again. So I show you that I’m good and I spend the day with a stupid smile and a happy positive vibe for you to see. And then later? I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from the pretence. The 1 woman show that I’ve put on for everyone to see. From where I’ve worked so hard to have everyone thinking that I’m ok and that I’ve not failed again. And then despite feeling exhausted? I’m awake at night clawing at my mind like I claw at my skin. And the anxiety builds and the self doubt builds and the darkness wins a little more and I smile for everyone to see and I’m ok. And I fail. All I do is fail.
It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to have been able to kick it into touch by now. I’m supposed to have snapped out of it and stopped moping and whatever other words I’ve heard people say… the past is in the past, I’m not a child anymore… grow up and get on with it. I’ve heard it all. But some scars run deep. They fracture you and physically break something deep inside. Some broken children heal and others don’t. The ones that don’t turn into broken adults. And it’s not their fault they’re broken. It’s not my fault I’m broken. But to me? To me it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to disappoint. So I’m ok. But I’m not… I’m tired of the games that my mind plays. I want out of it. I want to be rid of the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks, but most of all? I want to be rid of the nightmares. The things I see when I sleep. Or the terror I feel on the odd occasion I go to the shop and hear someone with that tone of voice. I want to stop being afraid of everything and everyone. Sounds stupid? Yep I know. But it’s the truth. Looking back, I never used to be like this. This bad I mean. It started getting worse about 7 years ago. I don’t know what the catalyst was. But now I question every thing I do, think, and say. I judge myself so harshly that I don’t leave any of myself left for anyone else to judge. It’s said that we are our own worst critic. I rip myself apart before anyone else gets chance to realise just what a failure I am. Because if others found out that I was less? Then they would stay away. People hurt you. No one gets in therefore they can’t hurt me. Only I can hurt me.
Honestly? I’m tired of the whirlwind that is me. That is my mind. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions… I’m tired of me. I’m tired of fake smiling. I want so desperately to give up and yet, there’s this tiny stupidly annoying little thing inside of me… this tiny little spark… its called hope. And as much as I loathe myself? Hope keeps shining. Hope refuses to give up. Hope keeps me going…
…sigh…
Depression/darkness/anxiety/whatever you wish to call it… they are strong and powerful things. But hope? That tiny little sparkling glimmer of hope? It’s the most powerful thing there is.
So… I’m going through bad days(again), My poems on here have stopped(again). But? I’ll be posting soon because? Hope doesn’t let me quit life.
I dream of dragons
and fearless knights,
Witches and Warlocks
fairytale delights,
Fae and Werewolves
inquisitive eyes glow,
They walk so quietly
howl each other down low,
Then head tipped up
with a howl so high,
Watch Demons and nightmares
glide across the sky,
Paws hit the dirt
a galloping roar,
The coming of
a ferocious war,
Teeth snap fur flies
power and rage,
Healers heal witches chant
words from a forgotten age,
Annnndddd… again I’ve lost my thread… if I can come back to this and finish it? I’ll delete and repost but? I wanted to post this to show that this, this above, is what keeps happening. My drafts are full of stuff not finished. Too many untitled and titled posts. All because I lose the threads. I lose the magic that is weaving so eloquently down my veins.
I’ve written quite a few times about wolves. Do I believe in fairytales? Fairytales are stories, all stories come from truths told in different ways. Each truth woven throughout time into the Fairytales we love today. Without seeming even more loony than I already come as? I’ll just say I have reason to be open minded to things. Just because we can’t see something? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, whether paranormal or supernatural. Ok I sound nuts…
Anyway… another poem for the unfinished list. …sigh… I’ll try again. Always tomorrow right? Maybe I’ll write better then… its disheartening to me just lately… I look at some blogs and they post sometimes 2 or 3 poems a day, like how are you doing that?! I struggle with posting 1 a day! Am I doing it wrong? Is it because I write it straight onto here and not on paper first? (Paper copy comes after I hit post). Hmmm….? I don’t know…
I guess in other really boring news? I went out Monday. I mean actually out walking. I was 5mins from home. I went with the eldest girl who understands my anxieties and is amazing at trying to remove my mind to other things. She holds hands, links arms and when I’m repeating I need to go home like a mantra? She’s telling me I can do it. She was brilliant Monday. It was about 9pm and we left the driveway turning left to the alleyway. That’s when it started, it started getting harder to breathe, I could feel my chest tightening and it hurt, my head started pounding and I was starting to feel dizzy. It was harder to get words out, tears started. And people wonder why I don’t go out? Honestly I love nature. Trees and fields and streams and rivers and walking without ever seeing another soul. Because that’s my fear… people. It’s not the going out, it’s people. I don’t want to be near people. Not anyone. You don’t live in my house? Go away from me. There are a few safe people but even a few of those are now no longer safe. I can’t explain this… this irrational fear of people…
Grrrrrr…
I hope your day is a great one today. I really do. I hope its good to you. Because good days are always the best. Whether its something big rhat makes us smile or something small and seemingly insignificant like a flower or a bee(I love both!). Whatever makes you smile? I hope you see it today because we all need a smile. Sending you all a hug.x.
You….
You took a blade
And carved my skin,
You used your talent
The perfect sin,
You made me fall
So deep in love,
That I would rate you
From above,
You played your game
I’m just a toy,
Here for boredom
For you to enjoy,
Someone online
Just a game,
Here until
Your enjoyment wane,
There was just one thing
You did so wrong,
You opened my heart
You gave it a song….
So now my heart
Is on the floor,
And you don’t give
A fuck anymore,
If I bleed or
If I’ve cried,
Because your toy is gone
Game died,
Tell me are you so empty inside
That you just don’t care,
And all those sweet nothings that you’ve said
Did all my words you share,
Was anything real
At all,
Or was it just a laugh
To let me fall,
Was I a pastime
For when you’re bored,
When you are all
I have adored,
So break my heart
I do love you,
I always will
Those words so true….
It’s raining
I hear it I feel it slipping off my skin,
Change of temperature
a heat rising from within,
Why does the rain
always affect me,
I’ve always wondered
why it sets something in me free,
The rain drips
splish splash splish splash,
My pupils dilate
heartbeat speeds in a flash,
Drops hit the puddles
plop,
And I’m transfixed
emotions over the top,
Puddle ripples
with the onslaught of rain,
An overloaded feeling
running through my brain,
Coldness runs its icy fingers
down my skin,
Goosebumps
set off flares within,
feeling lost in waters caress,
Absorbing the magic
that it possess,
The beauty of
the rain so true,
Dark clouds covering
skies of blue…
.x.
You must be a musician
because You play me like an instrument,
weaving the perfect melody from my lips…
You kiss and caress
the strings of my emotions
pulling symphonies from my desires…
yes…
You must be a musician,
and I?
I Your perfect instrument…
.x.
Crush
hush
feel the rush
a kiss
such bliss
heartbeat miss
caressing
undressing
your body’s such a blessing
your my one addiction
I’m suffering an affliction
babe I’m in your jurisdiction
my body’s singing a benediction
I need you with such conviction
just a little more friction
work me like a magician
I need you harder need you more
pressed against the wall spread on the floor
desire flowing from every pore
setting us on fire from my core
you hum in pleasure as you explore
your my one that I adore
you slow take your time each second of pleasure
teasing me at your leisure
look at me like I’m a treasure
you smile and slow it down
you call me queen but your my crown
you spiral my body a sexual meltdown
you set slow passionate fire to my soul
pleasure engulfs me whole
moans beyond control
we started in twilight
and now it’s pure night
we need to get some sleep before it turns bright
a soft loving kiss your arm wrapped around
in you I am found
we give in until our soft even breathing the only sound….
.x.
Not the kind of ending I wanted but to keep doing end words that rhyme… too many. But a little word play. What do you think?
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Daydreaming and then, maybe, writing a poem about it. And that's my life.
Poetry written by Katrina Cain
#submissive #beautifuldisaster #life #love #freedom #bdsm #Dom
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