Your my heart.
But not just my heart.
Your voice affects my skin,
you make my body temperature warm up,
your words
paint landscapes in my mind.
You must be a drug in my blood,
That I’m seriously addicted to.
But your more than that.
Every day with you
gives me a high that money just can’t buy,
that nothing and no one
can replicate ever.
I swear your name
is carved into my very bones.
But its deeper than that.
You are a part of the very stardust
ground into the makings of my bones.
I am bound to you
with the threads of the very fine essence that makes me who I am.
Simply put…
you are a part of me,
you complete me,
there is no me,
without you…
.x.
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Well hi! I’ve been bit quiet lately,so much going on and I’ve not been feeling the words. The kiddos first week back at school was interesting to say the least. They are fab and make me proud with the way they’ve gone straight back at it. The youngest is realising that idont mind her listening to music,it’s the gatcha life in lesson time I draw the line at. She’s been busted twice.
A lot happened on Friday and although this isn’t going to be a long post, I don’t think it will be anyway, its Friday and what’s happened because of it I’m going to write about…
Friday afternoon me and the 15 year old had a play tickle fight,loads of laughing and smiling and just fun. But I hurt myself (and yes I’ve found it hilariously funny). I’ve twisted or sprained my knee, well I’ve done something to it! By Saturday it was completely swollen and I couldn’t walk on it, que strapping it up to support it as I cussed and cursed around the kitchen, crawled up the stairs and almost cried crawling back down them, as I went off on one at the washing machine for washing clothes to quickly and the dryer for drying the clothes to quickly. Sunday, Monday, we’re now on Tuesday(20:38 UK time), and I’m still seriously struggling its still swollen, it still hurts, I’m still limping, still can’t completely bend or straighten it. But? Its still funny as fudge!
Now… the more important bit and the reason I wanted to write and this is incredibly sad. On Friday a girl in my 15 year olds form class committed suicide. Needless to say everyone is still shocked. Sadness doesn’t begin to describe it. One of the popular girls who was kind, sweet, caring and beautiful. The school has offered counselling to all students and to all teachers. The teachers have talked to the pupils as each lesson begins both yesterday and today. I wrote previously that the years 2 of my children are in are exam years, there is so much pressure. And I mean an extreme amount of pressure. Covid has made it so much harder, lessons online is so much harder and our house is lucky that there are enough devices for all 3 youngest to be online doing class work. Everyone is feeling the isolation. For 15 and 17/18(Alevel)Yr olds across the UK? The pressure is immense. A support network is ringing every family to ask how their teenager is, after talking for a few moments I asked if she wanted to talk to the 15yr old who was doing her work near me. I have sat and spoken to my 15 year old a few times about what happened. Her brothers and sisters, us as a family, we stick together and we talk. It is a parents worse nightmare and my heart goes out to her mum.
My last thought in writing this post is this…
There are going to be days where you feel so alone. That no one understands,that no one is there for you. You will feel like no one cares and that you’re not worthy of love. There will be days where you can’t see anything other than the bleak greyness that appears to go on forever. There might be times when to not breathe? Seems the better option. When these days happen, when your thoughts are like this? I’m asking you to remember something important…
You are a candle 🕯
If you went out?
Somebodies path would be in darkness.
You light their path in life
Probably without ever knowing
How bright and well lit
You make their life path.
You are important.
You are not just wanted.
You are needed.
And even if at times
You don’t feel it?
You are loved.x.
So as simple as it sounds?
Please don’t ever forget…
You are a candle 🕯
How are you? No seriously. Its not a trick question. How are you? How are you doing? How are you feeling? How are you coping with the kiddos? With work? With life? With covid? How are you?
I could comment how I’ve been having a bad day. A bad few days. How today I’ve felt to numb to even cry. I could tell you how today was first day back at school for my youngest 3. Google classrooms open all day. I salute you every single teacher who is working on Google classrooms and doing their best. You’ve got this shit! Keep going! Even when the answer was clearly Southwest but you put the 4 four choice answers as Northwest, Northeast, South and East. Its all good. She knew she was right and kept going. You’re only just starting back and the pressure on you is immense. No sarcasm. I do understand.
I could tell you how at 20:00 tonight? Our PM(England. I’m in Lincolnshire), said that exams are not happening and me spending time with my 15 year old (the one that has dyslexia), calming her and letting her know its going to be ok. She’s so worried that this means she’s failed because its not just what the amazing support network of her subject teachers know she can do… its proving it to some random invigilator that yes… I can prove R…….. can do the work because she handed in this, this and this. My daughter is scared. She’s worried how this is going to affect her for college. My 6th former? Hes asleep and I dont have the heart to wake him and make him worry all night. Let him sleep and im going to be there for him tomorrow as we talk and get through it. I’m so so so glad he’s already done Science and got an A*. I could tell you how my year 7(my 11 year old is not learning like we did when we were 11. Nor is she learning how any of her brothers or sisters learnt when they were 11. She’s not learning those socially accepted norms and values that you only seem to learn in Secondary school. But? She’s adapting. She’s trying. She’s got her friends to play and chat with online and over the phone(I knew those free minutes were a good thing!). I had her doing PE today in her PE kit. So not impressed with me but? We’ve decided to do PE together last lesson every Monday and Friday(I’ll be crawling by the end!).
So while I could tell you about all of this? I’m not going to go into any detail. I’m not going to tell you how I’m feeling or my worries about my kiddos, my worry about my kiddo who has kidney problems and how he worries. I’m not gonna say how how I worry about the kiddos dad and his health problems putting him at high risk just like my kiddo with the kidney problems.
You’re probably wondering what I’m thinking about and why I’m writing? So here’s what I’m thinking about and? Why I asked you… How are you? Things are hard. 2020 was a hard year across the world and 2021 wasn’t going to change and be better as soon as we hit January 1st. Be realistic. Things WILL get better. But they’ll take time. So people will lose their jobs and find money even harder(it happened last year,its still happening). Key workers will be over stretched and work ridiculous hours(I was talking to my daughters best friends sister who works in a shop that is twins with a country name(no secret advertising here!), she handed in her notice as she’s so over worked, long story short? Its being sorted and she’s staying). Teachers are having to consistently change things with little notice. People are going to struggle. People’s mental health is going to be affected. Some people with have no one and be completely isolated and alone. Kiddos whether in single digits or double digits will be struggling just like last year…
I know what our house is going through and those few that are close to us? I know what they’re going through. We will get there. Out there at the other end of the wire? Are people who have it 10, 20, or 100 times worse than me and mine. It could be you reading this… so I’m asking… How are you?
Sending all of you at the other end of the wire a massive virtual hug from me.x.
I wish that I could slit my wrists
open up with a gush of you,
Let the outpourings spellbind weary
travellers so true,
That I could speak and regale stories
telling wondrous tales of your love,
How your lips form pronunciations
your accent like a whisper of heaven above,
One look from you
and I’m slain,
Dear sweet man you drive me
so totally insane,
Everywhere I go someone reminds me of you
it blossoms a warmth within,
If I’m totally being honest?
you’re the sweetest most sexy sin,
And you’re a man just a man
but oh dear heaven above,
I’m so totally enchantedly
intoxicatingly in love…x.
A very long time back, I used to write both little thoughts and write words on pictures and the heading was always a number. I found a few of them, number 40 something is the last one I did I think and im not even sure if all of them are ones I made(those are spottable by the classic .x. that I do or having an fb page put on them), or if they are quotes I’ve found wherever. anyways… thought I’d maybe start doing it again but just title them all as little thoughts. So here’s the first of hopefully many…
We are 3 days into the new year and I hope its going well for you all so far. I’m in a musical mood(when am I not), but the wordy kind so maybe another post later?
Happy smiley Sunday all.x.
I’m gonna make this a short post… loads of people be out there getting drunk at home and heres me wondering whether I should shower or make Chamomile tea? but seriously… I got thinking about how far I’ve come this year, I’ve done good. Okay this people thing is getting worse but I’m a work in progress! To be honest it has been a hard year for everyone. A few people I know have died this year, 2 covid related, 4 cancer and 5 from longterm medical illness 1 of which died in the operating theatre. But my year has had good stuff to… a lady I know who got told she’d never get pregnant naturally? Has her due date as February the 1st. My eldest girl passed her level 3 animal management course. My 6th former got an A* for Science, he does his other exams this year and then who knows… my baby started the secondary Academy. My dyslexic 15year old had her project praised by the harshest teacher in school(this is huge as the teacher has always looked down her and her spelling). My eldest passed his forklift truck licence(off the top of my head i can’t remember what that kind of forklift is called). There are so so many great things that have happened this year that im truly thankful for, too much to write… but another? I made a new friend we’ll call her A and she’s from WordPress and I am so so glad to have become friends with her. Big hugs A💛(and she’s super awesomely amazing!!) So anyway…Heres to the new year and all it has to bring. Heres to reading so many more amazing posts that you all write. Where ever you are for the start of 2021? May you have a Happy New Year and may it be filled with good health, smiles, happiness and love. 5 minutes to go 😉
Hugs you all.x.
 I fight with you, I listen to you, I give up and give in to you, you smother me to keep me safe so you say…
 I got asked twice on here why it showed I posted a post titled Female muse? No. He’s male and yet it cant be read… its because I made it private. Doubt has eaten such a hole in my thoughts that people/others/whoever would judge me for him. For being open enough to even include a little of our carefully screenshotted chat. For being honest enough to acknowledge that he has been my muse for over 20 years. For opening my mind into the thoughts and definitions of what a muse is and how,though we have never been lovers only friends, he has artistically been my obsession. Doubt won. The only person that knows he is my inspiration is him. No one else. But I started wondering, started thinking… we spoke the day before yesterday. A lengthy conversation. Both through messages and then a voice call, I don’t do voice calls(snapchat, WhatsApp or text me. Dont call me), but I did the brave thing. I did a voice call. I can be brave. I admit I was so nervous and my hands were shaking but? After a few minutes(and the Chamomile tea!), I was good. He has anxiety just like me, has issues not the same but like me, can’t deal with the world just like me. But our difference is that he not only holds an amazing steady job but its in how he has worked his life and kind of compartmentalised and locked off parts.
Anyway… I wrote the post. I thought it would do me good. I thought it would show that look… I’m just like any other weirdly obsessed word junkie… its real this muse thing, his normal conversations, just particular words or the way he laughs… it inspires me. But then? I’m too weird… its wrong isn’t it? Ah… I dont know… some of our conversation is eating at me even now… its messing with my mind to the point the last message between us was? “ok” not capitalised nor a full stop. I now doubt our every word from my endless overthinking and dont want to talk to him or anyone for that matter. Anyone up for a fort building session with pillows and blankets? Ugh… maybe not… so the post has gone. I mean its still there but its private and it glares at me!
Here’s a song for you all…
Jess Glynn “Insecurities.”
My mind is so alive with words right now and I really should write them down. Instead I’m letting my fears, insecurities and doubts eat them one by one. I’m questioning every thought I think. Second guessing myself. I want to give up on words but they just like music, are my blood.
I’ll put the kettle on and make Chamomile tea… I so miss coffee 😠this caffeine free thing is going to kill me in the end I swear… 😒
Anyway… Take care all of you at the other end of the wire…x.
