Category: Writing


Late night emails….

My Sweetness.x.

My thoughts….

Your my pleasure
your my pain,
Your endless summer
refreshing rain,
Your my darkness
elernal light,
Your my daytime
and my night,
Your my heart
and your my soul,
For you I hunger
you own me whole,
I guess your in my life
sent from above,
For I have 
eternal love….
.x.

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Displeasing you….?

Displeasing you ….?
I feel I have mastered the art of it?

See I just don’t know….
I’ve spent the day doing what I have to, throwing myself into everything, trying to push you from my mind. But it’s not working. You’re not leaving. So many thoughts of you, clicking, spinning through. I feel lost…. like what should I do? What should I say? Act normal and pretend everything is perfect? (It’s far from it). But also you have my promise and my word…. I don’t go back on them. Ever. So I can’t bring these things up. I can’t say a damn word. Unless it’s life threatening? I honour my promises and my word.
  I just really want to ask you how you feel? In fact I’m desperate to ask you. But I can’t. Pride stopping me? Nope. Not at all. More…. the sub in me says you must not question. The little? I crave you. I need your affection and where are you? Physically? I know where you are. Mentally? Emotionally? Where your thoughts are? Where your heart is? I don’t know…. I wish I did? But I don’t…. do I wish I could read minds? Yours? Yes. Just for a moment, what I would give to see inside, to know. To really know. What do you think? What do you feel? When you think of me….
  I know how I feel. No shit…. no games…. not for amusement…. not an object…. not role play….
Real. That’s my word. Real. It’s the only word I need….  Real. You are so much more…. My feelings?  Real.
  Today? Today so far for me has been super hard…. thoughts of you are invading everything I do. Everything I think. Everything I am. And what can I do? Wait. I guess that is all I can do….
Just wait….
Wait and see what you do? What your move is? What you’re going to say? Are you going to speak? As time ticks on? I’m slowly dieing…. yup it’s affecting me.  Yes it’s affecting me. And? As time carries on ticking? It’s going to carry on affecting me….

Where do I stand?
How do you feel?
Questions I can’t ask….

Troubled by my thoughts? I am just a little.
Mostly? I just do you wrong and am not good enough…. I feel as though I can never please you enough. I desire to ask what I may do to please you? But fear of upsetting you and annoying you? It’s stops and keeps me quiet….

Ugh….

All this shit….

….taking my cue from you i’m
so unsure how to act,
Do I show you affection
or for now do keep it to fact,
I read it word emotionless
they cut like a knife,
But this is better than nothing
even though it cuts like a knife,
And unsure so unsure
of the words I’m allowed to say,
Because it’s your way your rules
and this is the game you play,
And you know I’m going to follow
you know how much I care,
And you know I’m going nowhere
you know I’m always there,
Your game your life
you rule,
I care to much take my cue from your word I
guess I’m just your fool….

Just a thought.

  There was once a girl who wanted so badly to visit a small island, in the center of a very large, very deep lake. Every day she walked along the shore of the lake looking at the small island. Every day a boat asked her if he could take her. Every day she politely declined.
   This went on for many months with the girl looking forward to the boat talking to her. Slowly she found she began to care a great deal for the boat, and delighted in talking to it every day.
  One day as the girl was walking along the shore to the boat, he again asked her if he make take her to the island? He said…. I love you and care for you. I will never do you harm, I care far to much. Let me take you to the island, you are a butterfly that deserves to roam a place as beautiful as that. I will wait for you and I am here for you. Never letting you go. The girl listened and thought the boat cared very deeply. She said yes and together they went to the island.
  The girl had an amazing time exploring. She delighted in the things she saw such happiness made her bloom anew. When light started to fade, the girl went back to the shore of the island to the boat. The boat was gone. She looked and looked and called and called. The boat had left her alone.
 
Be careful who you trust….

The song of sweet everglade….

The light is glinting
off the blade,
Our game
my dear sweet everglade,
Gagged and bound
and roughly tied,
The emotions in your eyes
the perfect tide,
Dear sweet everglade
your skin stained red,
The simplest touch
and your sins you’ve bled,
The erotic dance
as it moves down your skin,
Your feverish glow
ignites me from within,
My beautiful everglade
on those chains you pull,
They hold you aloft
expose you so full,
Your breathing is ragged
watch your chest rise and fall,
Your life it is slipping
muffled moans you do call,
Not long now sweet everglade
just barest breath,
Your opening to me
your finest moment in death,
The chains they jerk once
and then relax in the silence,
The light leaves your eyes
such pride and no violence,
I love you sweet everglade
your preciousness gifted to me,
I watched the weight of the world leave you
now dear everglade you are free….

.x.

Assume position….

Baby come closer
his words with a growl,
His eyes shining brightly
his thoughts on the prowl,
He looks at the floor
and I drop to my knees,
My only desire
is that I aim please,
What’s this? he says
hand slides up my thigh,
And I can’t help the gasp escape
a soft sounding sigh,
His hand he with drawers
fingers lift my chin,
Eyes deep into mine
probing my essence within,
He stands silent with such power
says on your knees follow me,
Tonight we will explore
your innabitions set free,
I want to see you unbridled
your passions raw,
Baby I want you on a level
you’ve not known before,
He stops and turns and waits watching
at the door,
As on hands and knees I comply
crawl across the floor,
Stand he says fingers the chain
around my neck,
Anticipation makes me
my emotions a wreck,
Mine he says
fingers slide down my skin,
The slow burn erupts
a conflagration within,
He pushes pins me hard
up against the wall,
He becomes my oxygen my breath
as I slide lose it all,
Down the hall to his room
know just what to do,
Assume position on knees eyes closed
wrists lifted ready for cuffs from you….

.x.

The story of you….

There is a story
    a story of you,
And how you wrapped yourself
    around me so true….

  I love going into paperchase…. it’s where i buy all my blank books from to write in, I buy a new pen everytime  (usually purple). The last time I was in the shop you said I should write us….
I laughed it off and thought no more till a couple of days ago….
  It’s not us I write, I thought…..
…. It’s the story of you….
How you wrap your words around me….
How you turn each and every word into an art that would leave even the greatest painters…. the greatest poets…. envious….
How you unleash more words from my lips that come from somewhere so deep within, that I didn’t even realise those feeling where there until after I have written them.
  So I bought a book….

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I considered a few things to write on the first page but simply….

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Is all it needs to say….

And so this book will have every finished and unfinished poem and thought….
I’m going to fill every page with what I feel…. the words you’ve told me I express so beautifully….

.x.

And I’m supposed to feel….?

 
A little me spread across the screen.

  Good question…. how am I supposed to feel? Still trying to work that one out….
I think this post is just gonna be me throwing my words in circles in the vain hope they have the brains enough to get themselves in order and make sense, if to no one else…. at least to me?
  I’ve spent the last few days feeling like I’m in an art gallery, you know those really big dramatic paintings you find? The ones that seem as big as a house? And have so much going on in them? I feel as though I’m looking at one of those but of the things that are going on in my life, and for some reason, I just can’t see it all…. all I can see is a little, the rest is smudgy. I’m missing the bigger picture.

image

This painting, by American-born John Singleton Copley, of the Great Siege of Gibraltar was commissioned by the City of London in 1783 and at over 458 square feet is one of Britain’s largest oil paintings.

^^ The big painting I was thinking of when trying to describe…. I’ve been to this gallery. The room downstairs with all the darker art and ship pictures? Pretty amazing.
   So missing the bigger picture….
  Yup I guess that best describes it. But does it? I mean I know for definite some things. I’m unsure on others. I haven’t a clue on more. And I’m so afraid to ask you about the rest. Them ones probably matter more than I realise…. oh well. You live and learn I guess….
  The songs just changed…. I like this one…. It’s called no I’ll put you the link in, that’s easier….

http://open.spotify.com/track/7e4epCxlnPq0n7AmxQEnD9

There we go. I like the song lyrics….

Currently I’m laying on my bed in my underwear. Singing away….
The song changes again…. I really love this song…. no Link for this as everyone has probably heard it at least once….
Iris. By The Goo Goo Dolls. 🎶”Yeah you bleed just to know your alive….”🎶 (yes I’m still singing).
I was thinking about writing a poem then got to thinking about how my poems are perceived….
  I had a look back over the poems I’ve written, going back to last year. It’s oddly annoying because if you didn’t specifically know I had 2 muses who I use as my inspiration, you’d think I was falling in love with someone new every single week.
  To set the record straight there, unless my writing says it’s for someone specific, then either Snö or M have given me the inspiration. Two very amazing people.
  My mind is doing over time on whether the things I do/am doing are right or wrong. And if I expect to much from people. As always I question myself far to much and end up driving myself crazy never getting anywhere….

“…. Tell me my sweetness
   is it ok to fall for you….
….To love with my heart
   and give in to feelings so true….?”

Hmmmmmm? Just scattering words….
Do i want to write a poem? I don’t know….
Songs changed a couple of times and now it’s….

“Could it be any harder” By  The Calling.

Stupid song…. sure it’s trying to tell me something! Not listening to you. I like the next song…. “Anything” also by The Calling. Singing this one.
  So….? Has my randomless writings helped at all? Honestly I can say no. I’m still feeling as lost as I already did, like I’m stuck in the middle of a really busy place and I’m just stood still watching everyone hurry off. I can’t move….  But hey, if your all hurrying all the time, how are you gonna know what the flowers smell like?
  

image

Sadly that’s very probably true….

“….I wanna tell you
   how I feel about you,
You’ve captured my mind
  and my heart so true….”

Still not sure just what direction this post is going…. Guns N Roses “November Rain” now playing…. looooovvvvveeee this song…. so singing away again….
  I think maybe I just need to write. Like if I carry on writing, eventually what’s wrong and the key to fixing it are gonna be here in the words…. (I can hope can’t I? ).

“….Damn I feel so lost
    and your words I really need….
….You mean so much more than you’ll ever know
    where others fail you do succeed….”

Notifications Flash at the top of my screen as I write this and I see the one that makes my breath catch…. Damn…. now my thoughts are on a wander….

I’m so glad you said you were pulling  over….

Yeah only you’ll get that. Providing I tell you I wrote about you….

Songs flicked through some more and it’s Bon Jovi “I’ll  be there for you.” Gonna sing this one to 🙂

 

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Another Bon Jovi song…. “You had me from hello.” Singing this one to…. Amazingly beautiful song and if you’ve never listened to this one…. you should.

  “….All I can do is watch
       watch as my heart falls in love with you….
….and my brain says it don’t matter
      because it’s fallen in love with you too….”

Aerosmith “Angel….”
(Still singing….)

All these little poetic thoughts keep popping up in my mind. Most of them sweet,  but some really dirty ones to!  Maybe I should open a new post and start again? Nope….

All that’s going through my mind now, is you…. time to finish….

Find some songs to end my post with?
….Music runs through my veins….

No one’s gonna love you. By Band Of Horses.
How deep is your love. By Calving Harris.
Bliss. By Hinder.
Trouble – Stripped. By Halsey.
I’ll be waiting. By Lenny Kravitz.
Can’t get you off my mind. By Lenny Kravitz.

There’s my songs….

On an up note….
I’ve just read the whole thing from the top…. and yes job done. I see what’s wrong and I answered it to….
12:32 am time for bed.
.x.

Just a random me….

  Do you question things? Me, I question everything, everyone, myself. I would rather push people away before the chance happens that I could get hurt. It makes life easier (at least I think it does)…. There are times I just wish I could let go, not worry about the consequences. But I guess to do that you need to be comfortable within your own skin. As much as I don’t let much faze me, I’m still awkwardly uncomfortable within myself.  I can’t even look in the mirror without disliking what I see…. that constant reminder of the past that I fight so hard to block and forget, if I didn’t look so much like her would it be easier?
  My nightmare came last night, it’s the first time in weeks. So many years and always the same thing….haunting me. I stood in the bathroom washing my face in the early hours reminding myself that it’s just a dream. I haven’t had a glass of JD to help me sleep in the early hours for ages now, but all I wanted was a glass and to sit on the kitchen floor. Old habits I guess….?

image

That’s me…. So “Hi!”

I don’t like photo’s. I’m trying to, but it’s hard. All I see is her, growing up in care from the age of 6, I didn’t even live with her for most of my life, but still she’s what I see. They say you can’t choose your family but I have….

So I guess this post is just my random thoughts spilling across the screen….
Currently listening to The Goo Goo Dolls “Sympathy” , I am definitely a huge fan of them….

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But when they have lyrics like these it’s easy to like the band….

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“Iris”
So now I’ve found pics for them…. the music has changed again and it’s…. Ray LaMontagne “Let It Be Me.”  Totally different but equally a great song.
  My aim for today is a simple one….
….No nightmares tonight….
Should be easy right?!

The song changes again…. Gabe Dixon “One thing.” Which I skipped. Skipping the next one to…. Natalie Taylor “Latch.” 

Chase Rice “Every Song I Sing.”

image

Well my playlist is gonna play and I have things to do….

….Fingertips graze
          barest skin,
Heartbeat shudders
          heat builds within,
Hands
          grasp,
Mouths
          gasp….

Am i in the mood to write? Maybe later….

Wishing you all an amazingly chilled out but incredibly happy weekend.x.

.x.

Words….

(Just a little me across the screen….)

I’ve tried just lately I’ve tried….
Everytime I get that pull, that urg…. The only way I can think to describe it, is it’s like taking a knife to my veins and letting it all bleed out…. only instead of life blood, a knife, and my veins, it’s a pen and my fingers and words. Those words…. The ones that pour like I’m overtaken and can’t stop til those words have exhausted themselves, until the flames of them are extinguished. It’s a need, like the words pouring out are feeding me the drug I need….
So hard to explain…. I guess if you write, then you’ll understand….
But just lately…. it’s all wrong…. The poems are there. The words are there. But I can’t write them any more….
They say that every male artist, has a female muse, whatever medium he uses, paints, clay, metal, music, choreography, words…. He always has a muse he can fall back on to inspire and turn the fire in his eyes from dull embers into a roaring symphony of flames…. I have two. “M” who has been inspiring me since I was 15, and “P” who has been the inspiration behind so many and whose friendship I highly value. Right now not even them inspire me.
Right now, even though the words are there, I catch their lingering echo as they find themselves unused and move on. Right now, even though I try, I can’t let the words run free from my hand. They’re there building up and up stacking higher and higher until they’re ready, but I can’t get them, that melodious harmony of words, that ability to pick the perfect prose, I don’t know where it’s gone.
  Right now it’s raining and I’m sitting in a car alone with the music playing, I love rain, it’s always been that perfect sin, I’ve always loved that cold sharp sting as it hits bare skin and the smell…. The smell of fresh, of clean and new…. it’s always inspired me to write. But right now? No nope no….
I’m playing a playlist that inspires (it’s called songs to write to), on spotify. But nothing. And I have “P” on my mind (well his gorgeous dog actually), I read a message from him this morning and so he’s there…. But I still feel “out of touch” with words.
So I guess this is just me…. my thoughts being spilled across the screen…. just tapping away on my phone as I drift into thought in the car…. my thought was that maybe I just need to write? But I still feel the exact same. Was I expecting to feel different?  Not really….
  So I guess the question becomes are you still awake after reading all this? You are?! Cool 🙂 Well I hope you have a fantastic day wherever in the world you are, and i hope it’s filled with many small moments that make you smile.

.x.

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