Writing | An empty space....

Category: Writing

Thoughts…Words…Hope…

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March 9, 2022

So… since that last post I’ve been quiet again. That’s not to say I haven’t written, I have. I rhymed, I wrote poems, the words are kinda sketchy but they’re slowly forming like I’m breaking the block that has stopped them and torments them. I’ve had time to think on my last post, time to think if maybe I wrote certain parts wrong. Did I? Maybe… bits like when I blame me and decide I must have done something. I know in my heart I didn’t. I know because I would never. Because that isn’t me. I know and understand the difference between genuinely caring and whatever green light he thought I gave him. I am not to blame for his actions but I am dealing with the overwhelming emotions because of it.

I feel a little lighter since writing it out maybe there’s a truth to the saying “a problem shared” maybe… I still cry a lot but not as much. Up until yesterday, I hadn’t thought of death in 8 days. Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday I admitted that my grasp on control isn’t really there and that my young childhood fears are now my adult ones. I admitted that I’m alone to deal with what’s in my head and it scares me. Who’d I admit it to? Myself of course. If I passed you in the Street? You’d never know what’s in my head or how low I get. My mask to the world. We all have a mask in various forms. What’s yours like?

When you grow up in care it changes you. It alters how you feel and think about the world. It sets you just a little apart. I have in the past asked others about this and they’ve agreed. You might not agree, and thats ok. We’re all different. It’s what makes us… well us I guess…

So what do I do now? How do I take more steps forward? I’ve read a lot of self help books and articles and stuff about mental help. I need to keep an appointment and get help because I know that going forward only professional help is going to make me… what would be the word? Its not better because a pill or bed rest won’t cure me. Easier maybe? Lighter? I don’t know and trying to think about it is making me lose my train of thought… you know…? I come off as sooooo dumb sometimes but(and I’m not inflating here), I’m not dumb. Nieve? Yeah… I take a gold medal in that., but dumb? No. Sigh… there was a meaning to this post and I’ve lost it. For fudge sake… growl… nope… trains gone.

I hope to post some poems soon and I hope to be smiling more soon and I hope to be lighter soon… I hope a lot of things…

But then… hope is the strongest emotion there is I believe, because no matter how far down you go and how badly things go wrong and how bleak things seem? Hope keeps us going. Hope makes us try again. Hope says don’t give up.

And just in case I ever forget to hope? Well… I also know that compared to others? My life really is Sunshine and rainbows…

Tags: Depression, Depressive, Hope. thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. emotions, mental-health

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…shadows…

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September 19, 2021

I see them the shadows

as they flit across the room,

Wreaking havoc in crevices

forboding luminescence in the gloom,

In the pained darkness in their stupor

their screams,

Slowly cracks forming

as they rip at the seams,

They echo and bounce

thrown back against the gray,

They slink and they linger

always looking to find a way,

They softly purr

feather like against the window pane,

They screech at denile of entry

they howl like mournful rain,

They creep and they scurry

and they try to blend in,

From the corners you’ll catch them

see them try to hide like a sin,

They won’t leave

me alone,

They’ve made my mind

their home…x.

Tags: anxiety, black, Depression, Gray, Grey, mental illness., poem, Poems, poetry, shadows, thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. emotions

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Darkness come hold me…

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July 30, 2021

Come hold me because I don’t want to be alone…

Some times the most scariest thing for me are the moments of clarity. Those little moments of quiet when I realise just how sad I am. How low I am. And how close I really am to giving up hope.

I’m sitting here in the kitchen, the last vestiges of evening light fading into a gloominess punctuated by the light from the screen. I’m back in my favourite spot leaning with my back against the washing machine sat on the floor, feet against the oven door(I described this kitchen once, put 2 people in it and it’s over crowded). The encroaching darkness acting like a shield to hide my emotions from the world. My heart is heavy. It’s an organ I hear you say… You don’t get it then do you, My emotions have spilled over and are weighing me down to the point I feel like I’m drowning in them. I ask myself just what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I shake this shit? And I’m trying to pull myself together and show I’ve got this but I haven’t.

I had an interesting conversation a few days ago… long story short, I said I hide how I feel. They said “women don’t do that.” But I do… If you saw me in 5minutes time? You’d see me smiling. If you saw me 5 minutes ago? I would have been smiling. What you won’t see? Is how I feel. That’s always hidden behind my smile. It’s my mask for the world. A simple smile. But if you’re clever? You’ll notice my eyes, those don’t lie and always(begrudgingly), give me away. Luckily most people don’t notice and I rarely look people in the eyes. But back to the person that said women don’t do that… I’m thinking they didn’t like it that I hide how I feel. How I really feel from them. It’s not that I’m trying to be horrible. It’s that I don’t want to be judged as failing. I don’t want to be judged and found a failure. Most people think I’ve always got my shot together and truth is I haven’t and I’m usually just winging it on a wish and a prayer and thanking destiny that shot turns out right( or cussing that it’s all going to hell in a pisspot). The point is I won’t ask for help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t want others to know that I’m a sham, a failure.

There is no harsher critic of me than me, and I will rip myself apart if the seeds of doubt grow to high. Sigh… I forgot the original point of this post. There was one but it’s lost in how shite I feel. Sometimes I think I should just give in to the encapsulating darkness when it embraces me telling me to let go. I really think I should shower and go to bed. My thoughts are currently in a very bad, very dark place. And I don’t really want to leave it because as much as I fight the darkness? It’s the one thing that is always there for me. It won’t judge me as a failure and will swirl itself around me as I fall apart again and again and again. It’s the one thing I know without a doubt… This darkness that I consistently fight? It’s the one that’s always here to hold me… It’s the only one who always sees behind my smile.

Sending you all a hug down the wire because I know there’s people going through the same and feeling as alone as I do. As sad as I do. As heavy as I do. And just like I do? I bet they hide behind a smile… Whoever and where ever you are? I hope you find an outlet like I have. Hugs.x.

Tags: words. thoughts. feelings. blogs. blogging. depression. Unbalanced. mind. depressive. darkness.

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Happened again…

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July 14, 2021

I dream of dragons

and fearless knights,

Witches and Warlocks

fairytale delights,

Fae and Werewolves

inquisitive eyes glow,

They walk so quietly

howl each other down low,

Then head tipped up

with a howl so high,

Watch Demons and nightmares

glide across the sky,

Paws hit the dirt

a galloping roar,

The coming of

a ferocious war,

Teeth snap fur flies

power and rage,

Healers heal witches chant

words from a forgotten age,

Annnndddd… again I’ve lost my thread… if I can come back to this and finish it? I’ll delete and repost but? I wanted to post this to show that this, this above, is what keeps happening. My drafts are full of stuff not finished. Too many untitled and titled posts. All because I lose the threads. I lose the magic that is weaving so eloquently down my veins.

I’ve written quite a few times about wolves. Do I believe in fairytales? Fairytales are stories, all stories come from truths told in different ways. Each truth woven throughout time into the Fairytales we love today. Without seeming even more loony than I already come as? I’ll just say I have reason to be open minded to things. Just because we can’t see something? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, whether paranormal or supernatural. Ok I sound nuts…

Anyway… another poem for the unfinished list. …sigh… I’ll try again. Always tomorrow right? Maybe I’ll write better then… its disheartening to me just lately… I look at some blogs and they post sometimes 2 or 3 poems a day, like how are you doing that?! I struggle with posting 1 a day! Am I doing it wrong? Is it because I write it straight onto here and not on paper first? (Paper copy comes after I hit post). Hmmm….? I don’t know…

I guess in other really boring news? I went out Monday. I mean actually out walking. I was 5mins from home. I went with the eldest girl who understands my anxieties and is amazing at trying to remove my mind to other things. She holds hands, links arms and when I’m repeating I need to go home like a mantra? She’s telling me I can do it. She was brilliant Monday. It was about 9pm and we left the driveway turning left to the alleyway. That’s when it started, it started getting harder to breathe, I could feel my chest tightening and it hurt, my head started pounding and I was starting to feel dizzy. It was harder to get words out, tears started. And people wonder why I don’t go out? Honestly I love nature. Trees and fields and streams and rivers and walking without ever seeing another soul. Because that’s my fear… people. It’s not the going out, it’s people. I don’t want to be near people. Not anyone. You don’t live in my house? Go away from me. There are a few safe people but even a few of those are now no longer safe. I can’t explain this… this irrational fear of people…

Grrrrrr…

I hope your day is a great one today. I really do. I hope its good to you. Because good days are always the best. Whether its something big rhat makes us smile or something small and seemingly insignificant like a flower or a bee(I love both!). Whatever makes you smile? I hope you see it today because we all need a smile. Sending you all a hug.x.

Tags: anxiety anxieties, diary, hope, Life, mental-health, poem, Poems, poetry, thoughts. feeling. words. blogs. blogging. emotions., Writing

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Rain…Thunder…Lightning…

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July 3, 2021

(My thoughts…)

Right now it’s raining,

the thunder and lightning a passion in the sky.

The rain falling like icy sharp needles and it makes my skin come alive just watching it from the window.

My skin starts to itch and thrum,

I can never explain how rain makes me feel.

I mean really feel…

I open the back door and watch as my senses come alive.

The rain coming down so hard making splash pools in the puddles across the patio,

While the kaleidoscopic grays show the depth of passion in the sky…

Its not just my vision that feasts on nature’s delights,

the sounds of thunder grumbling and growling a music to my ears along with the symphony of rain.

My sense of smell awakened by the fresh earth and clean smell. That wet smell that only rain can bring…

Sounds silly I guess and to some it’s just rain, an annoying weather they don’t like.

But to me?

To me it’s so much more…

.x.

Tags: emotions, Feelings, lightning, Poems, Rain, Thoughts, thunder, Words, Writing

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1

Filed under: Writing — 3 Comments

Hi… How’re you? How are you really? Not what you tell everyone else because you think it’s what they want to hear. But how you really feel. You can be honest here. I don’t bite…unless your cheesecake. Are you cheesecake? No? Okay. I won’t bite ~~unless you want me to~~ no! I mean no I won’t bite! So… how are you feeling? How’s your day been? How’s your week been? We’re on day 3 of a new month and we’ve got the whole month ahead of us. I hope its a good month for you. Are you tired? Make sure you get enough sleep. Well… before I start the next paragraph, I wanted to give you a little hug and a smile through the wire.x.

How am I? I want to say I’m good. I’m not. But I want to say I’m good. I’m currently sitting in a place (emotionally/mentally) where I’m just kind of floating and letting what comes come. This with me is never truly a good idea. I’ve looked back over the year so far and honestly? I’m not kicking it enough this year. I’m letting that darkness win. That I think is what people don’t get… my demons? I sit and eat cheesecake with them, we sometimes talk about world destruction. But my darkness? That’s That’s no. I fight it. I run from it. I refuse to admit its there. I ignore it. I get too emotional or my anxiety gets to high or my fears to great? I ask it for a hug. Literally I wrap my arms into the dark and beg it to never let me go because everyone else is gone.

Yeah I know… no one is ever truly alone. But there are many different forms of loneliness. Mine is fear. Go on say it, fear doesn’t make you lonely. But is can do… I fear people so bad that I push everyone away. People hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. Therefore no one can get close. My kids are an exception to this. But they are mine. I did that. (Yes I know I had help making them but he only helped with the secret ingredient. I did the rest!). I often think pushing everyone away makes me a bad person but I’ve tried to work around it, which is probably worse… my mask tother world.

Anyway… I haven’t cried in 3 days! Go me!!! I haven’t broken down. Oh… and I haven’t thought about ending things. So all that’s good right? Yeah… its good. But… I haven’t actually processed any feelings in that time either. Not processing thoughts,feelings and emotions? That’s bad… but I’ll get there. I will. I don’t know when. But I’ll get there.

So today is Saturday and I forgot why I was writing this… it did have a purpose but I’ve lost it… hmmm…🤔 oh well… it wasn’t important. Wishing you all a happy safe weekend.x.

Tags: Depressed, Depression, Hope. thoughts. feelings. words. writing. blogs. blogging. emotions, Life, mental-health

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My personal thought on racism…

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July 1, 2021

Does the colour of your skin matter? Does it? We claim to be such a diverse society and yet we judge so harshly based solely on the colour of a person’s skin. Imagine getting up to face another day with the paranoia of knowing the things you do and the places you’ll go, you’ll be observed, you’ll be judged…

Racism is defined as any act that is seen as prejudice or discriminatory against someone of a different race based on the belief that your own race is superior.

Have you ever looked at a person in a clothing shop, superstore or college campus and judged them suspiciously based on the colour of their skin? Ever wondered whether they’re going to steal something or open their jacket to reveal a bomb?

Imagine being left out or ostracised because you’re “different”. Imagine being mocked or excluded socially or being stereotyped, taunted or insulted simply because your views, beliefs and experiences are different. All people are created equally. We all have a heartbeat. We all breathe. We are the same. So who are you to judge?

How many times have you gone online and laughed at the meme used to portray “innocent” racism? It’s funny right? But would it be so funny if it was about the colour of your skin? You know it wouldn’t.

The Internet is a great place, keeping families and friends connected. We all use it several times a day. Whether we surf the Web or use one of the many social media platforms such as Facebook or Instagram. We’re more connected than ever. This should, and for the most part does, bring us all together. But there’s a dark side to the Internet, an insidious side to life online and its creating the opposite effect to bringing us all together. It’s creating a more inclusive society stirring trouble and causing rifts between people and groups based on religion, ethnicity and? Skin colour.

There is now quantitative behavioural evidence that the rise in the Internet has led to a rise in racism and racially motivated crimes. Ever hear the term following the sheep?

Research has proved the effects of racism can cause significant mental and emotional scarring to an individual and yet? “We” continually racially discriminate, classing “ourselves” a superior race simply because of a person’s culture, religious dresscode or beliefs. Some of us racially discriminate based on the colour of a person’s skin.

We are all equal. We all have a heartbeat. We all breathe…

Tags: beliefs, Life, racism, Religion, thoughts. feelings. words. blogs. blogging. writing

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D.V.

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June 30, 2021

Trigger warning ⚠️

Domestic violence.

The simplest touch
the softest word,
All those sweet nothings
the love that I heard,
Time it moved on
and I fell in love,
Thought you were the best
a gift from above,
As time it moved on I
lost friend after friend,
Til you were my start
and you were my end,
Then came the accusing
of every guy I saw,
And I never even realised
controlling more and more,
The first time you hit me
i felt such a disgrace,
So much mess and so much glass
blood all over the place,
You told me I was nothing
as you slammed closed that door,
And I laid dazed and hurt
amid the mess on the floor,
Time it moved on
those hands nearly every day,
And then after how much you loved me
in each and every way,
More time and we had children
they’re my lights I don’t regret,
Then that day with the axe
imprinted I can’t forget,
More years and that table
the spade car poker knife,
That night with the car between us
blood pouring begging for my life,
That was when I realised
that I had to leave,
You weren’t letting up
there was no reprieve,
Now for 2 years
we’re not together,
Although you still want
a me and you forever,
You say if you can’t have me
then no one else can,
And you repeat this often
but get it your not my man,
I am not weak
and you will not win….

This poem is inspired by someone else’s true life story. No… I am NOT tarring every man with the same brush and women are just as much likely to be the abuser, but because of the stigma attached to domestic violence against males? Its less likely to get reported. Abuse is abuse. I don’t care who you are. Don’t degrade another, everyone deserves love, safety, happiness and the simple necessities that give a good quality of life. Okay… even I have a couple of exceptions to that and I’m honest enough to admit them… If you’re a rapist or if you in any form hurt a child/children? You get what you get and hell would be too good of a blessing for you.

Soooo… don’t read this and bitch about the subject matter. I will write about every and any subject. Infact I think I might do a couple of writing posts to show that despite the fact I’m half the picnic short of a picnic and definitely have more than a few screws loose, I can write.

Tags: anger, blogging, blogs, Darkness, Depression, domestic violence, DV, Feelings, Life, poem, Poems, poetry, Thoughts, violence, Words, Writing

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Strawberry and English mint tea

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June 29, 2021

Holding it high

and breathing in,

Summer days

on sun tanned skin,

A hit of mint

freshest summer breeze,

A swirl of a memory

sung through the trees,

Strawberry Sweetness

glides across the tongue,

that burst of brightness

rolled up in sun,

Making light pink herbal tea

stewing in a cup,

A little summer garden in my infuser

drink up…

.x.

Tags: blogging, blogs, English mint, gardening, herbal infusion, herbal tea, poem, Poems, strawberries, tea, Words, Writing

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My mind, my thoughts, a little raw…

Filed under: Thoughts, Writing — 2 Comments

June 26, 2021

Mental health… everyone seems to be talking about it just lately. It’s on the news, in adverts, all over the Web. You’ll find something about it in every place you can think of. We’re encouraged to talk about. It’s on the rise in all age groups. All ethnicities and it doesn’t care where or how you live. We’re encouraged to talk about it.

I don’t want to talk about it. Or more specifically, I don’t want to admit just how bad things have got. Last tear I could still wing it. Last year yeah, it was bad. It’s an endless yoyo a constant battle but I could function.

This year has been worse… this year I got talked out of commiting suicide, I had everything ready, no going back(thanks M). Now I think about suicide at least once a week. My brain thinks about the perfect way to do it with no comebacks but so that I’m not in anyone’s way or so that I make a mess(like going by train or taking a dive off something). I’m telling you, planning a murder is easier, and I planned one!(for a story!!). Every for every step I take forward? I either take as many or more backwards. This year I’m tired of fighting the darkness. I’m 41years old and ok I definitely don’t act it(adulting is a trap!), shit… 41years old and my whole life has been spent fighting something I can’t even see.

This year its changed too… I dread going out. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. And I’m trying so hard to still do it. Do 1 thing every day that scares you. And people? I’ve never really done people. People are the scariest things on earth. But now? I’d rather do anything than have to be around or near people. People are NOT safe. I guess if your reading this? You mind jumped to covid. Nope your wrong. When I say not safe? I mean because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt any more. My thinking is that it’s best to just give up on people but that’s where it’s tricky because naturally I want to help others. …sigh… I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of being proved right that if you let someone in? They’ll hurt you. Me? Even when I’m completely falling apart? I will never ask for help. That’s not my way. I could be crumbling and still crawl on and you won’t know.

Why am I writing? I don’t even know at this point… I just am. My rules for my blog come back to me every time I hit the WordPress app icon on my phone… always be truthful. This space is yours. Your 1 safe place. A place no one can judge you or if they do? Who cares? It’s not your neighbour(either of them), no one that follows you lives on your street. This is as the blog says, an empty space. A space for you to write your mind out. So here I am. Having spent the last few days having episodes of crying so hard I’m throwing up and walking around with the headache from hell and muscle cramps(probably from the crying,throwing up and lack of liquid intake). But right here right now I’ve got a cup of chamomile tea which is cold and I’ve still only drunk half despite going and zapping it twice. Here I am still outwardly holding my shit together and hiding how I feel from the entire house. Why? Because in this house I have no choice, I have to be the strong one.

Right now I despise myself. I know that I’m a let down hiding in plain sight. I have judged myself and know that I am less. I know that this world really would be a better place if I had never been brought into this world. But at the same Time? There’s this ridiculously stupid dumb part of me that says that these feelings are because of the darkness and why do I let it win? I don’t let it win. I just don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need a fucking hug and for someone to tell and to mean it when they say they are there for me and that I mean something to them. I need to feel loved. But I need to believe its true. The only one I ever believe cares and is there for me is the darkness. Depression gives the tightest hugs and I just want a hug. Depression will always stand beside me. In a fucked up way? It never leaves and I that there? That is what I need. I need someone who won’t leave because everybody leaves because in my fears I push them all away and let nobody in. But Depression doesn’t listen. It’s always here and envelopes me in its hugs washing me in darkness.

I know I have a problem. But admitting and knowing are two very different things.

…sigh… for today I give up…

Tags: Alone, anxiety, Darkness, Depressed, Depression, Suicide, suicide ideation, thoughts. feeling. words. blogs. blogging. emotions., Writing

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