Category: Writing


~ …. If …. ~

If all I could have was your words

then tell me what would they say,

Would they speak of a love story

repeat it day after day,

If you could choose one memory

tell me what would it be,

Think back over time and just choose one

find one that represents me,

They say songs speak when words fail

so won’t you find me a song,

One that I can listen to

when those nights seem so very long….

(To be left unfinished…)

As I sit in my favourite spot in the house my mind wanders to you. The music plays and I just let my thoughts wander along. Sitting here on the kitchen floor back leaning against the washing machine, knees bent and feet against the oven door. I never really noticed just how small this room is before, but here… here in this spot I always feel at peace. I always seem to take the best pics here and always seem to write the best sat here. I’ve had the most funniest and most saddest conversations here. On the kitchen floor…

.

.

Song… Ward Thomas “Carry you home”

.

.

Dark night

sky inky black,

Soft sounding train

goes clickity clack,

Travelling onwards

people like sheep sit inside,

Ignore all the sheeple

train in tunnel it does hide,

Gaze turned outwards

across meadow bare,

Soft tendrils of mists

swirl and stretch so aware,

Mist it gathers stronger

in dyke drain and field,

Car bounce its headlights

mist now fog does not yield,

Blanket the road

just cannot see,

Car screech at junction

a narrow miss to be,

Fog it spreads over

hedgerow and more,

To blanket a forest

so much thicker than before,

Fog entwines with magic

hide forest from all eyes,

Full moon watches on

with incandescent stars across skies,

For deep within this forest

tonight,

So deeply hidden

but with the moons blessing light,

Fairies softly glow

making lights in the trees,

The oldest of oaks

gives the gentlest sneeze,

Rabbits and hares

dance in a ring,

Birds still awake

so breathtakingly sing,

Deers softly drink

from elegant lake,

Mice voles and shrews

make peace with the snake,

Pixies dance

the night away,

An owl hoots a warning

of approaching new day,

Old oaks all give thanks

on the murmuring zephyr,

An echo of thanks

softer than a feather,

Dawn slowly breaking

glorious pinks and gold across skies,

Natures magical hidden world

away from prying eyes…x.

.

.

Song… Nickelback “How you remind me”

.

.

Still sat here mind

worlds away

I just keep thinking

Don’t do this today,

Don’t let your mind

Rake over memories of old,

Dont you know what you have

Is more precious than gold,

Ahhh… I give up on this before I start! Growl…

.

.

Softest of flakes fall

come to rest,

Temperature perfect

they settle so blessed,

Shouted words spoken

with sadness and dread,

I hate you how could you

I wish I was dead,

Anything better

than looking at you…

Door slams

gravel crunch,

Forgive me he implores

she had followed her hunch,

Car started tyres screech

she pulls away fast,

Heart hurting heavy

please don’t let this last,

Flakes come down thicker

a lot faster to,

Hide the icy road

a danger from view,

Take the bend to sharp

weight shifts lose control,

Heart thundering eyes tears

cars on a roll,

Land back on its wheels

embankment so steep,

Car starts to slide

its driver in sleep,

Her last split second

memories of love,

Please guardian angels

hear me above,

Car horn sounds

an eerie warning of dont go,

Car door slams

the screaming of no,

Footsteps pounding

night silence but horns scream,

Please please please please

let this be a dream,

Blood so much blood

landscape painted red,

Please don’t let it be

but there she is dead,

Hair splayed like a halo

face pale like snow,

Even in death

exquisite beauty aglow,

Body all broken

glass all life red,

Her very last words

I wish I was dead…x.

.

Written to… Lady Antebellum “Just a kiss”

.

.

I still sit here slipping through the songs, time ticking down the line. My thoughts going into overdrive as it tries to find order in the chaotic disorderly whirlwind that litters the landscape. The multiple layered warren of corridors filled with dank and dusty rooms for me to run down as I chase glinting evocative words singing sweet lullabies like a sultry sirens call… how can I refuse but to follow leaving plumes of dust in my wake. Anything for just a glimpse of some long forgotten treasury of grammatical error free penmanship evoking life to treasured words…. grrrrrr… my mind is going far to fast and I fear I’ll never catch these words I desire. So I stop. Just stop. Full stop. Dead stop. And I see myself inside sat in some long forgotten walk way slowly crumbling with memories age…

.

.

Smile your smile

one smile I melt,

Heart zappingly poetic smile

sparks tingle I felt,

Your arms

so strong,

As wrapped around me

all night long,

Whispering shivers

against my skin,

Trembling rush

sweet pleasure within,

Damn growl… quit this, its a no. I dont like it. It sounds the same as a hundred before I mean just growl… not for me not this time, I’ll peg it on a paper somewhere down the line…

.

Maybe I should give up for tonight? Maybe that elusive word or words I’m seeking will come in lucid dreams where soft thoughts spiral echos grazing across my skin… hmmmm? Maybe. Maybe not. Sigh….

Good night.x.

~….Strength….~

Old tree

blackened by time,

Shaped by the wind

as it passes down the line,

Gnarled branches

barren and bare,

Living and breathing

but barely there,

The rain falls

darkest storm,

Rip the sky in two

tree stands forlorn,

Lightning hits the ground

scorched earth wet,

Tree stands alone

nothing happens and yet,

Its just a tree

no beauty nor grace,

So very alone

in this desolate place,

Wind howls louder

higher higher,

Lightning tears across the sky

brilliance of white fire,

Old tree braces

against the wind stands so still,

Steadfast and alone

strength and iron will…x.

Just me…

Going back in time on here, I used to let the music play and just write. I dont do that anymore. Sadly most of the poems and stories I write sit either in my drafts folder or in the endless books I’ve here at home.

Song… Stormzy “Own it”

I remember talking with someone who told me that words mean nothing and are completely powerless and that actions are the only things that hold real meaning. I remember thinking but your so wrong(although I said nothing), words have the power to hurt and to heal. They can build you up or crash you so far down you begin to wonder whether life is even worth it. Words can tell wondrous tales or make your skin crawl with fear…

Song… Chiild “Count me out”

I’ve spent so much time thinking over the last couple of weeks. If I’m honest? Its thinking I really need to do. Its walking down those corridors I have totally sealed off, its opening doors in my mind ive been so afraid to open. Anyone who’s been reading my blog for a long time will have read at the hints to my less than amazing past and how it haunts me still. I’ve spent the last week sleepwalking all over the house and thats when I do sleep. Twice I’ve actually had to be woken up because I’ve been screaming and crying. Its funny how our minds lock everything away from us during the day only for our subconscious to taunt us as we sleep…

Song…Krysh Mecca “Wrongworld”

But I need to face these memories and slowly, really really slowly, I have over the last 5 years. I’ve become more me. Stopped trying to be everything that everybody else wants of me. This last 18months? I’ve worked harder at learning to like me or just accept me than I’ve done my entire life. I’ve just hit that stage finally where I guess its ok to be me… I came to be ok with life being hard and no one having all the answers or even any at all sometimes. And for me? The very biggest thing I’ve learned in the past 18 months? I learnt to trust someone. Sounds small but I dont trust.

Song… J S Bach “Prelude in C Major” has just ended and Blake Shelton “Mine would be you” has just started.

Hands to hold

Arms wrap around,

The night and its secrets

the only sound,

Echoing tales

Spun down through the trees,

Caressing warm skin

The softest of breeze,

Bunnies and crickets

Frogs splash and hop,

Silent swoosh of shadow

Owl perch on the tree top,

Annddd I’ve lost the feeling for this as my mind has spun off again, breaking away from the path it was on…

Song… Darius Rucker “If I told you”

You

You hold dreams in your eyes,

The exotic fairytale realms

The sea the stars the skies,

Your smile

Watching as your thoughts spin away,

And I know that I’d give

Forever and a day,

A star studded universe

The mountains and the sea,

For just a split second

You would look like that at me…

Hmmmm… writing to music has its ups and downs as as the song changes? I lose the feeling(unless I hit repeat!).

Song… Goo Goo Dolls “Use me”

Not writing to this song as I’m singing it as I stand here waiting for the last load of laundry to finish washing.

Song… Goo Goo Dolls “Let love in”

Hey girl I see you

Standing there,

Smiling like you

Don’t have a care,

But see those scars

You try to hide,

So scared to show

Your softer side,

Your fear of rejection

You don’t want to be hurt,

You class yourself lower

You’ve been treated like dirt,

And I see you’re so scared

Hide behind your smile,

Take a deep breath

Hold it for a while,

Its ok to be petrified

Have faith take a leap…

And there it is finally I guess… the whole reason I used to do this… because what was on my mind would finally come out… sigh… its been a long day…

Song… Kevin Garrett “How dare we fall”

Song… Thomas Rhett “Craving you”

My aim for tomorrow? Make a memory. For now though its to try my hardest to actually sleep…x.

A blade… a pen… A blade…

The walls… The walls and I’m looking at the tiles. The rivulets of collected steam as runs in races chasing and colliding with eachother down invisible tracks. The steam rising across the room water vapour so thick I could cut it with this blade. This blade… calling me my only friend. Just one cut, just let it touch, pierce, prick, open… open me and let the words bleed black, an outpouring of grief of frustration of need, let it out and get free. The mirror is misted over, draw a smile when you frown, a mask for the world to see. Here in this room I’m just breaking, emotions shattered glass rip through me. That blade calling my name. Its sweet melody so intoxicating, so free. Drip drop drip the sink tap not turned off correctly. A gush like steady comforting rain from the shower,turning this room into a mysterious foggy jungle. Let me be the explorer on my way to higher depths come closer sweet blade my treasure awaits, the pleasure awaits, with bated breaths I long for your touch sweet blade. Rip these seams apart, out pour words of black, leave me with colour, never look back. Run away run away, no more screams in the night. No more exhaustion as I watch those first lights. Blade touches skin, breaking the seams, rip me apart cascading ebony tides,and I’m the warrior of my ship at the helm my own realm… cascading faster a flurry of black drip drop drip I hear the water drip. Must correctly turn the tap off but the shower sings to me of mists and times forgotten calling me of a sweet caress. I drop the blade in wonder at the showers calling, but its to late and I’m just stalling. Pick my blade back up, you sweet unassuming wand. The river runs black, down my skin out my hand. Oh sweet blade take these rivers of black, take my outpouring and never look back… I watch the gatherings of mist form collectively on the tiles and as they over fill and tip downwards racing eachother, weaving and colliding to their destination at the bottom, a collection of fallen vapour droplets, do they dance like the ones singing sweet lullabies in the air? A deep breath in and do my lungs fill with their songs? Come on sweet blade… flick that shower off, we’ve a world to step back into…

The mind of a writer is a strange and wondrous thing, how our every day can turn into visions and metaphors of lost worlds and fantastical realms beyond comprehension. How those that live in reality only would think us a mindfuck of lsd enhanced nightmares and wonder at our mental states as we step through life in a glorious technicolor of dreamscapes finding wonder and enchantment in the normal every day and mundane… just my personal thoughts anyway…

A writing exercise…

I dont know if anyone does this but I often do… set your play list to random or just listen to the radio and pick up a pen, listen to the song and let both the song and your emotions dictate the words. Always ends up a small poem because you have to finish when the song finishes.

Anyway…

Song: Need You Now By Lady Antebellum.

The song plays

and I’m breaking,

The song plays

and I’m shaking,

This depth of sorrow

consuming me,

Need you so bad

try to break free,

I need you

right here right now,

Don’t care ’bout nothing else

and I don’t care how,

I miss you I miss you

I’m caving,

Can’t stay strong giving in

I’m craving,

This damn song plays

and I’m breaking,

Thoughts consumed by you

and I’m shaking…

.x.

I fell in love

I gave you my heart,

You had your agenda

right from the start,

I handed you

such an intricate knife,

And then stupidly trustingly

gave you my life,

And you eloquently carved

across barest skin,

You fuelled my desires

fires raged from within,

Carving intricacies and fables

delectably soft,

I adored and I worshipped

held you revered aloft,

Carving and weaving stripping layers

lay me bare,

Carve my bones

till not there,

Just a ghost standing in the shadows

an echo a toy,

Took a long time to realise

not a man just a boy,

And yet I’ve loved you

right from the start,

And nievely trustingly

gave you my heart…

.x.

Write it out…

Let it flow…

That’s right isn’t it? Let it flow… let it pour… let it go…

There are so many words trapped inside. So many emotions. So many feelings. Can I start at the beginning? I don’t even know where that is…

I’m numb. But no. I’m not. The atmosphere is emotionally charged. I feel it in my skin. The rumbles of a storm in every breath I take. …calm down, count to ten, keep breathing… I don’t want to calm. I don’t want calm. I want storms and ripped and wretched and bare…

And I smile… but the smile never hits my eyes. It doesn’t light me. It’s false. As false as the mask I wear. I’m another bad actor in some awful forgotten play.

…let the words out…

Find a song to open this damn and let the emotions into the words.

Song choice. Florence and the Machine. What the water gave me.

~…Strength…~

Old tree

blackened by time,

Shaped by the wind

as it passes down the line,

Gnarled branches

barren and bare,

Living and breathing

but barely there,

The rain it falls

darkest storm,

Rip the sky in two

tree stands forlorn,

Lightening hits the ground

scorched earth wet,

Tree stands alone

nothing happens and yet,

It’s just a tree

no beauty or grace,

So very alone

in this desolate place,

Wind howls louder

higher higher,

Lightening tears across the sky

brilliance of white fire,

Old tree braces

against the wind stands so still,

Steadfast and alone

strength and iron will…

The words they don’t make sense. There’s no power. No anguish. No desolation, turmoil, wretchedness. No depth. It’s all wrong and not enough. I’ve built these walls so high the emotion, the depth is struggling to get out. It’s drowning in an endless ocean of words. I can’t find the lever to release it all in this symphony of sounds. It’s to dark. So dark. I can’t swim.

…calm down, count to ten, keep breathing… I don’t want to calm. I don’t want calm. I want storms and ripped and wretched and bare…

I want feeling.

Depth…

….Daddy’s Thoughts….

She sat on the edge, legs dangling over the side looking lost in thought…

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m watching dreams.” She replied.

He walked closer and stood behind her. He looked into the water and saw nothing but the bottom. Trying to think how she did, he looked again and saw nothing but the ripples as the water lapped towards the shore a short distance behind them. Nothing but the current carrying the water along.

“Dreams.” He finally said.

She looked up at him with those big brown eyes he adored and gave an innocent smile.

“Uh huh…”

“Dreams of hope and wonder carried in those ripples.” She smiled once more and he felt that familiar tug deep inside of him.

He held her gaze… “And what do you see now little one?”

She looked deep into his eyes until he felt as though his soul was laid bare. While outwardly showing his cool calm self.

An almost imperceptible change came to her voice, but one he was accustomed to…

“When I look at you?” She breathed… “When I look in your eyes I see sunsets. I see hope. I see my dreams become reality. I see calm.” She cast her eyes down to her hands.

“Calm?” He said. She nodded. How could she see calm in his eyes when she caused an endless conflagration within him. When one look from those deep brown eyes with their dancing black flecks took the breath from him. When that soft smile set him alight. How could she see calm when she made him feel so alive.

She moved until she was on her knees before him. Looked up at him and, (so he felt), read his soul…

“I love you Daddy.” She said simply. Innocently.

And those simple words took his breath away. Made him lost and found at the same time…

He smiled and held out his hand for her to take. “I love you my kitten.

~….Crimson River….~

As blood runs down the staircase

echoed wisps of decay,

The night is eerily calm

not how it was that day,

Drip drop drip

the crimson gold,

Follow the trail

a story unfold,

Floorboards creak

from heating pipes,

That keep the blood warm

on these cold nights,

River of red

along corridor,

Slowly oozing

from under the door,

Ghosting through

the solid wall,

You expected to see?

not this at all,

Lips the tinge

of deaths kiss blue,

Eyes of glass

do not see you,

Such beauty in

her deathly grace,

A masterpiece amid

torn velvet and lace,

She lays like

A work of art,

Her hands they hold

her delicate heart,

Across the floor

the crimson gold,

So eloquent in death

yet horrors unfold,

The torn drapes

around her bed,

The broken vase and night light

smashed windows ahead,

A tornado happened

inside of this room,

Plundering it of light

leaving nothing but gloom,

Deaths softly kiss

such beauty and grace,

A crimson river

from splendour and lace,

A delicate heart

cut from her breast,

And in her fragile hands laid

in eternal rest…

.x.

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