Category: Writing


Love….

“Ok. Humor me.” He said. “Tell me.”

“A hurricane.” She said simply. “Imagine the a person as a hurricane, they have to stay on the edges and never get to close. They destroy or leave in disarray everything they touch.” She sighed…. “Such intensity, passion, an emotional whirlwind. Not many could cope with that.” 

“If it were real? It would be lonely.” He smiled.

“Yes….” She looked down.

“Now imagine that hurricanes a fire. When I finally showed him? He showed me that there’s an ocean inside of him that would calm my fire, deal with the emotions, the intensity, that would take my storms.”

He nodded, understanding but lost in thought.

“Tell me who wouldnt want to drown in the calming intensity of another?” She drew a circle on the table with her finger. “I told him that he was my darkness, the perfect pitch for me. Truth is? He’s my light.”


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Let me fall….

Current song….

  So much on my mind I’ve hardly slept. 

I swear I’m clawing

at the walls of my own mind, 

And I’m crying and I’m failing

everywhere is you I find,

I’m shouting and I’m screaming

the wind whips the words away,

But I guess it doesn’t matter

you don’t hear what I say,

My heart and soul keep crying for you

so I play the music so loud,

But it just can’t go up high enough

to block their deafening sound,

 

There are times…. not many but yes times, where there are so many words, far to many words, and I fall into the abyss of them. I love words, I adore words. I love how you break them down and put them back together. How they can bring joy or heartache. How they can build you up or strip you bare. But there are so many words swirling in a never ending vortex and I just want to give up and not write. Let them just envelope me instead.

Current song….

“Don’t know what you’ve got.” By “Cinderella.” 

I give up today.

My every breath is stained  with your name….

(Just to make life worse? The song that has just started playing? “Til my last day.” Right now? I give up….)

War within….

To set me aflame and die a million deaths, to separate for years me and you…. there is nothing that can kill this or stop the want or need. Etched so deep on my bones you cannot be erased….

 I give up. Let me burn then let my charred remains fall, let them drown in the sea of my endless tears….

For there is nothing left. Nothing but emptiness, this void as I lose end empty and become less so much less. 

Forget me as I fade unworthy of a memory allowing myself only the joy of destroying myself….

 Honestly? Just like the song says? I’d give up forever to touch you…. your all I want. All I’ve wanted. There is a part of me dieing and as fast as I throw logs on to it to keep its fire burning?  It drowns my fire in tears. My soul cries for you. The insides of me crumble and fall away and leave this broken shell. Tell me what do I do? I love you so damn much and it’s ripping me to shreds. I keep wondering and wandering. I’m losing my shit and falling. The waves of my tears crashing over everything. I want to be mad at you. I want you to burn like I burn and fall like I fall. I want you to know like I know. But what’s it matter? I don’t matter. Let me go up in flames and be nothing left but dust that is forgotten and blown away. My soul that ever moving storm it’s a fucking hurricane for you. Always for you. Only for you. The whole ceases to matter. Just you. Tell me how I tear you out from inside these bones? How do I release you from these veins? Mentally and emotionally? I am tearing myself apart with such ferocity that I’m destroying everything. Do I have to do this physically? Will it release me from you? Will you leave my veins? You’ve taken my smile, my joy, my happiness, I want them back. I want you back. My soul screams in the darkest depths of a hell it doesn’t understand…. it screams for you in the endless bitter blackness. It wanders alone and afraid because you are gone. 

  I want to grate the very skin from these bones. Strip the sinew and muscle away. Pull these veins apart. Pick the empty organs from these fleshless bones and toss them away one by one in furthest most hidden corners. Let this skeleton bleach white in the burning sun then fade in the darkest corner of this land. Bury it a million miles deep so that every part of my being may painfully whither away alone from the rest…. How to describe how I feel? Pretty darn close….

 I love you to such depth…. that all that’s left now? Is to die….

Thoughts fly….

It’s said the eyes are the windows to our souls, so tell me what you see in mine? Passion that burns your fingertips, and love fueled kisses to stain your lips. Look past the conflagration that burns to keep the world out. Walk with my insecurities and my fears. Don’t be the hurt that forms my tears. 

Dont look me in the eyes and tell me that you care, show me. See the insignificant insecure mess that I am and tell me you love me anyway. There this tsunami within me and it’s destroying everything in its path. Quieten my storms in a way only can do…. It’s said that the eyes are the windows to ours soul…. so step on up, come on in…. and drown in the depths of mine….

Why do you do it

hurt me this way,

You expect me to keep going

day after day,

I’m sick of all

your stupid lies,

Your torment on my heart

the way you pretend goodbyes,

Why make me cry

does it make you feel good,

You tell me I’m not listening

that your misunderstood,

And I say I’m sorry

sorry all the time,

And you say well what for 

and the problem it’s mine,

And things they go great 

for a day or two,

And then your here but your not

in that way that you do,

And I know what your doing

but to afraid to say,

I just let you carry on

when I should walk away….

.x.


Late night emails….

My Sweetness.x.

My thoughts….

Your my pleasure
your my pain,
Your endless summer
refreshing rain,
Your my darkness
elernal light,
Your my daytime
and my night,
Your my heart
and your my soul,
For you I hunger
you own me whole,
I guess your in my life
sent from above,
For I have 
eternal love….
.x.

Displeasing you….?

Displeasing you ….?
I feel I have mastered the art of it?

See I just don’t know….
I’ve spent the day doing what I have to, throwing myself into everything, trying to push you from my mind. But it’s not working. You’re not leaving. So many thoughts of you, clicking, spinning through. I feel lost…. like what should I do? What should I say? Act normal and pretend everything is perfect? (It’s far from it). But also you have my promise and my word…. I don’t go back on them. Ever. So I can’t bring these things up. I can’t say a damn word. Unless it’s life threatening? I honour my promises and my word.
  I just really want to ask you how you feel? In fact I’m desperate to ask you. But I can’t. Pride stopping me? Nope. Not at all. More…. the sub in me says you must not question. The little? I crave you. I need your affection and where are you? Physically? I know where you are. Mentally? Emotionally? Where your thoughts are? Where your heart is? I don’t know…. I wish I did? But I don’t…. do I wish I could read minds? Yours? Yes. Just for a moment, what I would give to see inside, to know. To really know. What do you think? What do you feel? When you think of me….
  I know how I feel. No shit…. no games…. not for amusement…. not an object…. not role play….
Real. That’s my word. Real. It’s the only word I need….  Real. You are so much more…. My feelings?  Real.
  Today? Today so far for me has been super hard…. thoughts of you are invading everything I do. Everything I think. Everything I am. And what can I do? Wait. I guess that is all I can do….
Just wait….
Wait and see what you do? What your move is? What you’re going to say? Are you going to speak? As time ticks on? I’m slowly dieing…. yup it’s affecting me.  Yes it’s affecting me. And? As time carries on ticking? It’s going to carry on affecting me….

Where do I stand?
How do you feel?
Questions I can’t ask….

Troubled by my thoughts? I am just a little.
Mostly? I just do you wrong and am not good enough…. I feel as though I can never please you enough. I desire to ask what I may do to please you? But fear of upsetting you and annoying you? It’s stops and keeps me quiet….

Ugh….

All this shit….

….taking my cue from you i’m
so unsure how to act,
Do I show you affection
or for now do keep it to fact,
I read it word emotionless
they cut like a knife,
But this is better than nothing
even though it cuts like a knife,
And unsure so unsure
of the words I’m allowed to say,
Because it’s your way your rules
and this is the game you play,
And you know I’m going to follow
you know how much I care,
And you know I’m going nowhere
you know I’m always there,
Your game your life
you rule,
I care to much take my cue from your word I
guess I’m just your fool….

Just a thought.

  There was once a girl who wanted so badly to visit a small island, in the center of a very large, very deep lake. Every day she walked along the shore of the lake looking at the small island. Every day a boat asked her if he could take her. Every day she politely declined.
   This went on for many months with the girl looking forward to the boat talking to her. Slowly she found she began to care a great deal for the boat, and delighted in talking to it every day.
  One day as the girl was walking along the shore to the boat, he again asked her if he make take her to the island? He said…. I love you and care for you. I will never do you harm, I care far to much. Let me take you to the island, you are a butterfly that deserves to roam a place as beautiful as that. I will wait for you and I am here for you. Never letting you go. The girl listened and thought the boat cared very deeply. She said yes and together they went to the island.
  The girl had an amazing time exploring. She delighted in the things she saw such happiness made her bloom anew. When light started to fade, the girl went back to the shore of the island to the boat. The boat was gone. She looked and looked and called and called. The boat had left her alone.
 
Be careful who you trust….

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