Category: Thoughts


~….Earth….~

Tonight I watched 

as the soft sheets of rain fell,

My thoughts they swirled a vortex

but on many did I dwell,

I watched as the plume of smoke left my lips

and carried off by the wind,

I looked to the sky

the only judge that I’ve sinned,

My thoughts they spun

to which I’d rather be,

The softest of rain

or the wind wild and free,

My thoughts turned to the elements

to nature and more,

Each one impressive

not like the one before,

My innermost being Earth

this I know,

The scars of the past and yet still

she does grow,

To be kissed by the warmth

of the sun in the sky,

Caressed by the rain

with the softest of sigh,

Hear the song of the wind

like the call of a child,

And still she grows 

strength untamed free spirited and wild….

.x.

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~….Will You….~

Will you love me tomorrow

even though I’ve come undone,

Will you love me tonight

past the setting of the sun,

Will you stand here beside me

when the rain lashes down,

Will you be the rock in the ocean

to help me when I drown,

Will you be the reminder

when I forget how to breathe,

Will you be the light

When darkness pulls me underneath,

Will you pull me closer

when I feel so alone,

Will you be here

remind me I’m not on my own….

.x.


~….24 hours….~

Its 10pm and I’m so tired I

 need sleep,

My mind moves faster

my thoughts you keep,

Its 11pm 

and I’m missing you,

My Sweet my heart

you have so true,

Its 12am and at the ceiling I

stare,

I so want to message you

just to know your there,

Its 1am 

and my mind whirls on,

I know I’d never cope

if you were gone,

Its 2am 

and anxiety kicks in,

Tell me my Sweet

in which way do you sin,

Its 3am 

your better than me,

This silence is hurting

it won’t let me be,

Its 4am

wish you were here,

Damn all I want 

is just to have you near,

Its 5am getting light

outside,

From all these thoughts?

there’s nowhere to hide,

Its 6 am your going

to bad,

Try not to cry

to much I’ve said,

Its 7am 

my day must start,

You reside 

so deep in my heart,

Its 8am 

here its all go,

My Sweetness these thoughts

my heart it does know,

Its 9am

I sit on the floor,

My Sweetness these thoughts 

my emotions are raw,

Its 10am

tell me how I cope,

I’ll tell you my love

its because I have hope,

Its 11am I’m tired 

and alone, 

So wish I

could call you my own,

Its 11am

is there another lady?

I’m getting emotional

there isn’t a maybe,

Its 12pm do you dream

of me,

Do you think of the future

and what it can be,

Its 1pm 

a message from you,

My heart skips a beat

I fall in love anew,

2pm I saw

you online,

I do that to

from time to time,

Its now 3pm,

sleeps calling me,

I day dream of you

of what could be,

Its 4pm 

you send me a moon,

Fate is an ass 

I’m enveloped in gloom,

5pm and we’ve talked

I feel sad,

Your busy I’m lost

I must be so bad,

6pm our conversations no depth

I know that your busy but don’t talk to me,

Its only “I love yous”

guess I’ll leave you be,

Its 7pm 

feels like I’m falling apart,

I must of been shot

there’s a hole iny heart, 

Its 8pm 

How’re you? how’s your day,

I’m ok, its going

is all that you day,

Its 9pm 

so in love with you,

So many damn thoughts 

wonder how many are true,

Its 10pm 

I’ve been up twenty four,

My Sweetness I’m tired

but can’t sleep once more….

Saturday 25th March 

It falls on me

to start a new, 

Find a way 

to get over you,

Voices of memories I

still hear,

Close my eyes I

feel you near,

Time goes so slowly

only seems like yesterday,

I knew you weren’t  forever

just passing on your way,

Touched so very deeply

yet still I said goodbye,

You pull at something within me

yet I walked as those answers made me cry….

 .x.

You inside….

​I wish I could enter 

your mind,
Oh so many secrets

would it scare me what I’d find,
I’d walk those corridors

sparking light as I go,
Its not your secrets they’re safe

just your thoughts I want to know,
I’d spark spirals of light with fingers

running off into the dim,
Scale your high walls

find the you from within,
Inside I know your filled with forests

lush green with thoughts anew,
I catch glimpses sometimes

it makes me fall even deeper for you,
 I want to face your nightmares

each and every one I’d slay,
So you could rest easy each and every night

and wake with a smile each day,
As time goes on and I’ve learnt so much

i know all I desire is more,
Those breathtaking glimpses when you let your guard down

i want you even more than before,
I see it in your pictures sometimes

when your mind is definitely not here,
Those times I wish I could pull you closer

and ask to let me near,
The perfect equation good bad dark light 

so true,
Please don’t hide from this girl

who is so in love with you….
.x.

Emotion’s….

There was once a girl who was an emotional mess….


Your name stains my lips.

Your words caress my skin.

Your smile messes with my head.

Your goodbye makes my heart bleed.

Your lies ravage my soul.

The fact you didn’t care? Destroys me….

I have loved, I do love, I continue to love, always love….

You. 

You, only you, always you….

My Cat….

I can’t stay away, these doors are always open, this heart always welcoming, this soul always yours. Bound….

You 

you lied,

The hurt I 

died,

These tears I’ve 

cried,

You 

you don’t care,

Me 

always there,

You hurt and your not bothered

makes it so unfair, 

And I love

love love love,

Unconditionally 

your so far above, 

This kills

just don’t want this,

You only you

heart cries I miss,

Stop it 

stop it stop it all,

I’m breaking

feel the fall,

And you 

you lie,

You don’t care who you hurt

prove to yourself your wanted you try, 

One of my favourite songs

playing,

I love you

my hearts praying,

I miss you need you want you

more and more and more, 

But you lied

my legs give out the tears overtake I hit the floor,

Why? Just why just why

look at the sky,

But only a toy for you I’m

so low but you’re so high,  

Never good enough….

I wish….

But the moon has swallowed all the wishes

And says their all fake,

Meaning so little  

nothing left to take 

I give up.

I do love you and I do love you

And you lie, 

Her always her 

so many tears I give up let me sleep….

Wednesday….

My mind is torn between what I want and doing what’s right. Such a war….

Things I know? I am not a good person and I never will be….

Song currently playing….

​https://open.spotify.com/track/3vledBz37cDTn57fdwQlKr

I’m not coping. I’m trying. Trying so damn hard to smile but that smile won’t appear. All that comes is tears. My emotions spin and click through a cycle I don’t even understand. I’ve always been an emotional person. That can be good and bad I guess. I feel everything to deeply. And with you? You’ve always magnified every emotion by 100. I have always loved you more for it. But right now? Right now I can’t cope. And these stupid tears? They don’t stop….

  I plucked up the courage to look in the mirror earlier. I look a mess. My eyes are all bloodshot and red. There comes a moment. That moment. That moment when your happiness snaps and disintegrates right before your eyes. If this is what loving someone completely, unconditionally, feels like? Then let me never love again. Let this be the very last time I love. I wasn’t made for hurt. Not hurt like this. I never want you to feel like this. You once told me that you don’t let people see the way you feel because they wouldn’t understand, they couldn’t. So you keep it to yourself, at the time? I thought how lonely that must feel…. but now? Now I know that I never want you to feel like this ever. I don’t want you to feel this destruction, desolation. 

  ….You think your going to be ok that your going to be alright and for those first few hours you are. Then it hits you. You start to crack, to break. You literally start falling apart. EVERYTHING falls apart. And you take a step back inside yourself as you watch helpless, you see everything crashing down and then this huge crashing wave engulfs you and all you feel is sadness gut wrenching heart breaking sadness. The kind that overtakes your very essence. It fills you and slowly starts to strip away layer upon layer of your skin. Tearing you apart. Pulling the very flesh from you. Tossing your organs on the floor. This huge monster that is sadness. It takes hold of your bones and crushes them one by one. And your just supposed to hold it all in. Your just supposed to smile and tell the world your ok when inside this utter devestation is happening. No. No I don’t ever want you to feel like that. But that’s love. Pure unconditional love. 

 I’ve just received a wordfued game request. I love that game. I play every day. The request? I can hear your voice…. I’m crying hard and trying not to. I can see every smile we’ve had playing that game. I miss you so much. I want you in my life. Without you there is something missing. Something dies. And something you take with you. And this…. I am left with this hurricane inside me ripping everything up and tearing everything apart. Destroying everything. You mean that much, it does this much damage. This poison inside me, the only cure I know is you. But you I don’t have. Part of me is dieing and I can’t fix it. I can’t cope with it. I don’t even understand it. 

The songs have skipped and I’m playing a different band. Every song is by “Nightcore” the current song is called “Let it burn” I like them anyway but I know your not keen on this particular genre so it won’t remind me of you. It didn’t work. Half the songs I’ve listened to so far have made me think of you. I even put one on the play list that reminds me of you. I don’t even know if you’ve ever listened to it. I guess you will unfollow me. In fact I don’t even want to think about it but to late, I am crying again. In a way I know I can use WordPress to write all this out because you don’t come here. I think you only ever came when I supplied you with links to specific posts. I van hear your words…. “You write so damn much woman.” But you knew, you knew that writing was/is my outlet. All those things i cant say? You’ve always known I can use words, I can write them…. It doesn’t matter any more any way. You are gone…. it’s just me and my thoughts left. Just me destroying myself on the screen as I watch the destruction within me….

  I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t even want to blink. In that split nano second I do? I see you. And I don’t want to breathe. That blinding pain with each and every breath. And I don’t want to hear because all I hear is your oh so sexy liquid velvet voice. And I don’t want to think because all I think about is you. These tears won’t stop and I’m trying so hard to make them stop but now I’m in the bathroom crying so hard that I had to stop writing I had to put the fan on and run some water to hide the sound. I can’t cope. I miss you. I miss you so much there is a coflagration within me and it will destroy whatever it can. All I can do is watch as all these elements wage war inside. 

The song that plays mocks me….  “Nightcore” “Hearts will repair” no mine won’t. You are carved so deeply upon it. Nothing and no one else matters…. 

All I can think of is you…. and the tears? The tears fall….

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