Category: Thoughts


Neither your heart

nor your soul were ever black,

they were simply a little lost

and just needed,

to be found


Not the kind of lost found,

but the kind of missing found…

the kind that makes you whole.


For CatLady66. We’re all a little lost sometimes… And the parts of us that are lost can always be found with time. Sometimes we get ourselves lost along the way in trying to find those little parts that make us whole, I know I get lost often. I’m thinking of you and as always, I’m here for you when your demons want a little company, mine like cheesecake. Sending you and everyone else that needs one, a great big hug.x.


I have a confession to make…

I need you to know something…

something very important…

so you need to read this carefully…

You are important to me.

I value you but!

I don’t just value you.

I love you.

I love you and care for you,

and want you and need you.

You are my One.

This burned the right way,




you are engraved within me deep into bones,

yet deeper still.

You are my always,

my endlessly, my eternally…


August the 10th 2022

I wrote the below on August the 10th this year. Those little moments of clarity before I fall are probably the scariest of all as I know its going to happen and yet I’m powerless to stop it. I thought I’d share this as despite how dumb and unintelligent I feel I am? I think that it shows that I’m actually not. Im just not for everyone and thats okay. No one is for everyone. I am me. Beautifully broken me. Ask me tomorrow and I’ll tell you I hate myself but right now? Im just here. Anyway… I chatter far far too much for a person that is so damn silent IRL...

There are times when I’m lost, lost in the sea of my thoughts… but no. That’s not quite right because some random song plays in my head on full blast on repeat and so I can’t find the actual thoughts behind it. It’s one big nothingness and I guess that’s kinda frightening and yet maybe it could mean I have an empty head? But truth is? I don’t. At the moment I know I’m standing on the precipice and the endless songs that play in my mind are distracting me from the fall I’m about to take. Everything has taken on a surreal quality and its kind of like looking up into a cloudless sky and for the first time seeing it as not flat blue but seeing the unimaginable depths and noticing that’s its not just blue but a subtle ombre of grays, pinks, purples, blues and whites dependent on where you look. Once again my thoughts are distracted by something else and I edge just a little closer to edge. I don’t know how far the fall will be this time and I’ve no clue as to whether I’ll land softly and be able to keep going or whether I’ll land on broken jagged shards that will tear me apart and I’ll once again have to find the threads of what is defined by society as normal and sane and then carefully sew myself haphazardly back together and pretend everything’s fine when under the surface its not. When I gets these moments of clarity I think that maybe they frighten me more as I know for certain I have crested a wave, I’ve ridden high on delirious happiness and that in itself should be an indicator that my mental state is precariously close to crashing out and my emotional well being is anything but okay. Sadly in these moments I always seem to find myself looking on from inside unable and helpless to do anything to stop the fall I know is about to happen. It’s like a stop function enabling me to get a good look at what’s going on and what is about to happen but, some joker is going to press play, at any moment now and I’m gonna take the fall and have to deal with the consequences. Something else catches my attention and my thoughts dash off giggling like a hyena on a fruitless chase of nothingness which allows me to unconsciously take another step close to the edge. Part of me wants to fight it kicking and screaming and the other part says just jump and get it over with. The sky is now currently a soft dove gray, it reminds me of a comforting blanket sadly that won’t stop the fall…

Add title…Add title…Add title…

Add a title WordPress says… what is a title? How do I write that I don’t want this any more? How do I write that I’m currently sitting here torn in two, part of me says tonight I need to end my life and the other part is desperately trying to place that wall back in front of my emotions and make me the cold unfeeling person that has been here since not long after my very last post on here. Which half’s gonna win? I don’t care any more… but no. That’s just it, I do care and I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired of trying to be perfect and not be so emotional and be better and just be what is wanted of me, what is expected of me. I’m tired of trying to be normal and of icing over every fucking crack so I appear normal to everyone. I’m tired.

I found the above the other day and I think it’s why I stopped writing. I stopped myself from becoming emotional, I became cold. I locked away every emotion so I wouldn’t feel anything when my mind replays the things that have happened over and over again. So I’d stop reacting when everything is crashing down around me. And so I’d stand silent when behind that facade I was breaking. It made me cold. I’m not proud of that fact. I’d become cold. Is this who I want to be? No. But the alternative? I don’t want to keep breaking again and again and again. Why can’t I be strong for once or better still? Why can’t I be normal? After seeing the above quote, it stuck with me… look at my poems… they’re very… huh, me? And in locking feelings away, maybe I locked away what torments me into writing because for me writing is in my blood, in my soul… its my heart bleeding down my fingers onto the screen or bleeding ink from a pen onto paper, it’s my soul, my very being ripping itself open onto the page, it’s the depths of despair and hatred and love and longing and blissful memories and closeness and sensual and its me… mixed up stormy hurricane me. Shutting down my feelings has taken that away so that even normal writing like what I’m doing now? It wouldn’t come. Hell… I haven’t even cried in ages because I can’t. Because I haven’t let myself. And yet here I am wondering what’s the point in living and feeling the tears sitting in my eyes and hurting… hurting and fucking look… the words are flowing.

This hits home with me. I saw it two days ago. The hardest thing for me is to exist. I don’t want to. But? I’m a parent. I have to. But? I DONT want to. Inside me? I hurt and I can’t tell you exactly where I hurt because it’s a deep fathomless aching hurt and it makes it just that little harder to breathe. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to stand and not step off the ledge. The gray keeps promising me that the silence and the craving for everything to just stop will happen if I just let go and stop fighting. I’m trying. I’m trying…

So… since that last post I’ve been quiet again. That’s not to say I haven’t written, I have. I rhymed, I wrote poems, the words are kinda sketchy but they’re slowly forming like I’m breaking the block that has stopped them and torments them. I’ve had time to think on my last post, time to think if maybe I wrote certain parts wrong. Did I? Maybe… bits like when I blame me and decide I must have done something. I know in my heart I didn’t. I know because I would never. Because that isn’t me. I know and understand the difference between genuinely caring and whatever green light he thought I gave him. I am not to blame for his actions but I am dealing with the overwhelming emotions because of it.

I feel a little lighter since writing it out maybe there’s a truth to the saying “a problem shared” maybe… I still cry a lot but not as much. Up until yesterday, I hadn’t thought of death in 8 days. Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday I admitted that my grasp on control isn’t really there and that my young childhood fears are now my adult ones. I admitted that I’m alone to deal with what’s in my head and it scares me. Who’d I admit it to? Myself of course. If I passed you in the Street? You’d never know what’s in my head or how low I get. My mask to the world. We all have a mask in various forms. What’s yours like?

When you grow up in care it changes you. It alters how you feel and think about the world. It sets you just a little apart. I have in the past asked others about this and they’ve agreed. You might not agree, and thats ok. We’re all different. It’s what makes us… well us I guess…

So what do I do now? How do I take more steps forward? I’ve read a lot of self help books and articles and stuff about mental help. I need to keep an appointment and get help because I know that going forward only professional help is going to make me… what would be the word? Its not better because a pill or bed rest won’t cure me. Easier maybe? Lighter? I don’t know and trying to think about it is making me lose my train of thought… you know…? I come off as sooooo dumb sometimes but(and I’m not inflating here), I’m not dumb. Nieve? Yeah… I take a gold medal in that., but dumb? No. Sigh… there was a meaning to this post and I’ve lost it. For fudge sake… growl… nope… trains gone.

I hope to post some poems soon and I hope to be smiling more soon and I hope to be lighter soon… I hope a lot of things…

But then… hope is the strongest emotion there is I believe, because no matter how far down you go and how badly things go wrong and how bleak things seem? Hope keeps us going. Hope makes us try again. Hope says don’t give up.

And just in case I ever forget to hope? Well… I also know that compared to others? My life really is Sunshine and rainbows…


I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning


I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying


I’m slinking further


I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…


Darkness come hold me…

Come hold me because I don’t want to be alone…

Some times the most scariest thing for me are the moments of clarity. Those little moments of quiet when I realise just how sad I am. How low I am. And how close I really am to giving up hope.

I’m sitting here in the kitchen, the last vestiges of evening light fading into a gloominess punctuated by the light from the screen. I’m back in my favourite spot leaning with my back against the washing machine sat on the floor, feet against the oven door(I described this kitchen once, put 2 people in it and it’s over crowded). The encroaching darkness acting like a shield to hide my emotions from the world. My heart is heavy. It’s an organ I hear you say… You don’t get it then do you, My emotions have spilled over and are weighing me down to the point I feel like I’m drowning in them. I ask myself just what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I shake this shit? And I’m trying to pull myself together and show I’ve got this but I haven’t.

I had an interesting conversation a few days ago… long story short, I said I hide how I feel. They said “women don’t do that.” But I do… If you saw me in 5minutes time? You’d see me smiling. If you saw me 5 minutes ago? I would have been smiling. What you won’t see? Is how I feel. That’s always hidden behind my smile. It’s my mask for the world. A simple smile. But if you’re clever? You’ll notice my eyes, those don’t lie and always(begrudgingly), give me away. Luckily most people don’t notice and I rarely look people in the eyes. But back to the person that said women don’t do that… I’m thinking they didn’t like it that I hide how I feel. How I really feel from them. It’s not that I’m trying to be horrible. It’s that I don’t want to be judged as failing. I don’t want to be judged and found a failure. Most people think I’ve always got my shot together and truth is I haven’t and I’m usually just winging it on a wish and a prayer and thanking destiny that shot turns out right( or cussing that it’s all going to hell in a pisspot). The point is I won’t ask for help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t want others to know that I’m a sham, a failure.

There is no harsher critic of me than me, and I will rip myself apart if the seeds of doubt grow to high. Sigh… I forgot the original point of this post. There was one but it’s lost in how shite I feel. Sometimes I think I should just give in to the encapsulating darkness when it embraces me telling me to let go. I really think I should shower and go to bed. My thoughts are currently in a very bad, very dark place. And I don’t really want to leave it because as much as I fight the darkness? It’s the one thing that is always there for me. It won’t judge me as a failure and will swirl itself around me as I fall apart again and again and again. It’s the one thing I know without a doubt… This darkness that I consistently fight? It’s the one that’s always here to hold me… It’s the only one who always sees behind my smile.

Sending you all a hug down the wire because I know there’s people going through the same and feeling as alone as I do. As sad as I do. As heavy as I do. And just like I do? I bet they hide behind a smile… Whoever and where ever you are? I hope you find an outlet like I have. Hugs.x.

Hope is a “cap de pula”

“Hi! How are you?”

Those words… those words mean I have to bend the truth. I have to find a way to tell you what you what to hear. That I’m ok. That I’m doing good. Because you don’t really want to hear that I’m not. Again. So I show you that I’m good and I spend the day with a stupid smile and a happy positive vibe for you to see. And then later? I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from the pretence. The 1 woman show that I’ve put on for everyone to see. From where I’ve worked so hard to have everyone thinking that I’m ok and that I’ve not failed again. And then despite feeling exhausted? I’m awake at night clawing at my mind like I claw at my skin. And the anxiety builds and the self doubt builds and the darkness wins a little more and I smile for everyone to see and I’m ok. And I fail. All I do is fail.

It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to have been able to kick it into touch by now. I’m supposed to have snapped out of it and stopped moping and whatever other words I’ve heard people say… the past is in the past, I’m not a child anymore… grow up and get on with it. I’ve heard it all. But some scars run deep. They fracture you and physically break something deep inside. Some broken children heal and others don’t. The ones that don’t turn into broken adults. And it’s not their fault they’re broken. It’s not my fault I’m broken. But to me? To me it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to disappoint. So I’m ok. But I’m not… I’m tired of the games that my mind plays. I want out of it. I want to be rid of the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks, but most of all? I want to be rid of the nightmares. The things I see when I sleep. Or the terror I feel on the odd occasion I go to the shop and hear someone with that tone of voice. I want to stop being afraid of everything and everyone. Sounds stupid? Yep I know. But it’s the truth. Looking back, I never used to be like this. This bad I mean. It started getting worse about 7 years ago. I don’t know what the catalyst was. But now I question every thing I do, think, and say. I judge myself so harshly that I don’t leave any of myself left for anyone else to judge. It’s said that we are our own worst critic. I rip myself apart before anyone else gets chance to realise just what a failure I am. Because if others found out that I was less? Then they would stay away. People hurt you. No one gets in therefore they can’t hurt me. Only I can hurt me.

Honestly? I’m tired of the whirlwind that is me. That is my mind. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions… I’m tired of me. I’m tired of fake smiling. I want so desperately to give up and yet, there’s this tiny stupidly annoying little thing inside of me… this tiny little spark… its called hope. And as much as I loathe myself? Hope keeps shining. Hope refuses to give up. Hope keeps me going…


Depression/darkness/anxiety/whatever you wish to call it… they are strong and powerful things. But hope? That tiny little sparkling glimmer of hope? It’s the most powerful thing there is.

So… I’m going through bad days(again), My poems on here have stopped(again). But? I’ll be posting soon because? Hope doesn’t let me quit life.


Emotions are a strange thing. I mean we need them they create a balance(supposedly), they allow us to express our feelings *picks up my mask* emotions are important(builds a wall around them). But… What happens when a person’s emotions become too unpredictable? What happens when they yoyo and become “wobbly” ? *calls in the demolition crew*

Imagine you’re on a rollercoaster. There are climbs, some to dizzying heights. There are swooping lows, some going so deep and down hill so fast that they are terrifying. There are loops and spins and thrills and anticipation and anxiety… then there are the parts where you’re just going in a straight line and you can’t see whats in front is it going to be a little dip? A little bounce? Or a sharp fall, like you’re free falling off the face of the earth? The straight becomes scary as you’ve no idea what’s going to happen. Anxiety builds in the pit of your stomach. Now imagine that the rollercoaster is in the dark with flashing lights and sounds and smells and memories blasted at you randomly, think of your biggest fears and worse nightmares, the depth defying soul crush despair and sadness and fear, but throw in happiness and laughter and light and warmth. Its all coming at you. Now add the fact the rollercoaster is going backwards so you just can’t see what’s going to happen next. Feel sick yet? Welcome to how my emotions are affecting me.

I feel like I’m currently walking a tightrope and I’m wobbly… I’m on that straight bit on the rollercoaster and I’m scared. I don’t want to drop back into the depths because that seems to be the only place I go this year. I don’t get enough happy climbs. I know what you’re going say… if I want to be happy? I need to think happy. I need to change what’s making me unhappy. I’m telling you that it’s just not that simple and I can hear you saying that it is… its not. And I really want to explain why its not that simple but you’ll never understand and if I opened myself up enough to explain why? Then I’m letting you in and I can’t let people in because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. I’ve been hurt so many times. I’d rather keep everyone out and not be hurt. I know what you’re thinking… That’s a sad way to be. But it’s not. It’s not because my fear of having that fragile child within me hurt again outweighs everything. To the outside world I’ve got my shit together, I’m just about always smiling. I’m quiet. But people never get in. No one gets near that fragile glass center that is me. Eccedentesiast. That’s me.

Here is different. Here on this blog, this space… its my safe place. Here there are no walls and I write. The most fragile form of me is here in the posts on my space. I crumble and build. Here I show I can give the love I so desperately crave back. Here I can rip my veins open and let my mind, heart and soul pour out. Here it doesn’t matter if I’m held together with broken string some days and good intentions others. Because Here I am safe.

So… here in my little safe place I have decided to make a nest of blankets and pillows and soft stuffs. You’re most welcome to come and get comfy. If you’re having a bad day? Come snuggle in. Don’t worry if you don’t want to talk. I don’t mind because I understand what bad days are like. If you just want a safe place to sleep? Here’s an extra pillow because I know how difficult sleep can be. If you need someone to listen? I’m here… oh… you don’t want to share with a female. That’s ok! See that guy with his head buried in a book? He’s like you. I’m sure he’ll listen. The point is that this right here? We don’t judge here. We won’t look at you with pity. We understand what it’s like to crumble and build ourselves. We understand the darkness and desolation. We understand the need for peace and quiet(and extra soft stuffs to get comfy in).

Now I’ve left you my thoughts… I’m going to leave you some songs. These I’ve just taken from my list that has played while I’ve written. I’ll try to give YouTube links for all of them. If there’s one thing I love? It’s music so I’m always open to a new song and I listen to every genre(not that this list is going to be varied). Here goes…

There you go… 12 songs in the order they played on my playlist as I wrote/stared off into space…

Sending you all a hug.x.


I don’t fear your heart…

I fear that you’ll see mine

and think me less…

I don’t fear you

I see your scars

and the deep lines upon your face,

I just want to run my fingers across your skin

and with my fingers trace ever battle

you’ve walked through, you’ve fought.

I don’t fear the sadness within you…

I fear you’ll see the darkness that surrounds me and turn away…

I don’t fear you.

I fear I’ll never be enough


Druid Life

Nimue Brown, David Bridger - Druidry, Paganism, Creativity, Hope

Its good to be crazy Sometimes

A view from the inside of going through the minefield of the British benefit system if you are disabled and the ups and downs of coping with mental illness

The Bipolar Gamer

Raising awareness for mental health disorders through a shared passion of video games, poetry and more.

Daydreaming as a profession

Daydreaming and then, maybe, writing a poem about it. And that's my life.

The Darkest Fairytale

Poetry written by Katrina Cain

Sir'sbutterfly blog

#submissive #beautifuldisaster #life #love #freedom #bdsm #Dom

Mind of Sir

Diary of a recovering Dom.....

Young Indian Revolution Journals Pvt. Ltd.

An organization which stands for liberation of society from the dominant shackles put up by the society itself.

Scribbles... stories, poems, songs

poems and odd thoughts, stories and odd people

Ramblings Of A Fragile Mind

"All my life's buried here, heap earth upon it"

Inner Monologue

For when you just need to let it all out. Blogging about mental health, writing poetry and stories. Please do get in touch if you wish. Email and Twitter down below.

Memoirs of a Muse

The little things I wonder about, experience and document

Lignes invisibiles

Invisible lines associating ideas, creating images.

An empty space....

Just another site

Beautiful Disaster: A manifestation of trauma

"You fancy me mad. Madmen know nothing" The Tell-Tale Heart Edgar Allen Poe

Pieces Of K Blog

Everything created is another piece of me.

Notes from the U.K.

Exploring the spidery corners of a culture and the weird stuff that tourist brochures ignore.

The misterman's take

life, liberty, love, and laughter

Sulaiman Hafeez

Jack of all trades, striving for mastery in quite a few.

simple Ula

I want to be rich. Rich in love, rich in health, rich in laughter, rich in adventure and rich in knowledge. You?

PT Master Guide

Your Complete Medical Guide.


comida italiana y venta productos por internet


how to be a better me.

Charliecountryboy's Blog

My reflections of life in general.

Batman Crime Solver

"Non è tanto chi sono, quanto quello che faccio, che mi qualifica" ________________________________________________ "It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." ("Batman Begins")

Babsje Heron

Great Blue Herons: A study in patience and grace

Rivers Renewed

Restoring and renewing our rivers through poetry and wordflow.

Indian first

Expressing what one feels


Serial short stories about Ambrose Smith, vampire.

Scribbled Verse

Scribbles by Afzal Moolla


Festes i fires de Catalunya, receptes de cuina i molt més

piece meal adventurer

Tales of the journeys of a piecemeal adventurer as a discontinuous narrative


I read, rant and write ;)

A Pondering Mind

A little of this. A little of that.

Heart Breathings

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." William Wordsworth

All About Life

Ideas and musings from a middle-aged 20 something


flights of fancy from New Zealand