Category: Thoughts


~…Him…~

…and that’s how it starts
something so simple that you say,
But it reverberates within me
as it travels on its way,
In that tiny simplistic moment
it hits me like a spark,
It creates an enormous light show
here in my deep dark,
Passionate fires and colours
and I lose it as they spin around,
Your voice it flames within me
as your colours build me from the ground,
The blood in my veins heats up
and I swear I can’t take no more,
But what you unleash in me
makes me open further than before,
Tell me how you do it
spark colours within me so bright,
You chase away my darkness
replace it with blinding light,
You smile and it’s there in your words
the heat spreads across my skin,
A slow sensual fire
spreads slowly from outside in,
And my heart fills
And overflows,
And my mind agrees
because it knows,
The world it keeps turning
but mine it has stopped,
So many things they happen
But you just can’t be topped,
My perfect drug you drug me deeper
So much deeper than before,
And I’m such a little addict
i need you more and more….x.

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This morning…

Random thoughts as I wait…

I’m sat here this morning thinking of you…

The lights glared down on the common rooms tables, the chatter echoed as people started to file in slowly. Early. It’s good to be early right? But I don’t want to be here. I want to be with you. Only you. Always you. I miss you. Your my safe place. My soft space. My warmth, my calm when everything starts and the pace picks up and want to escape from it all… your my home. My anchor. Today is meetings, seeing people. People are scary despite the fact the world sees me as strong. I wait for your messages to keep me going and get me through it with smiles.

Later…

Later I’ll write a better post. Later I’ll let my heart write. For now? The thoughts in my head are going to fast and I need you to say my name and stop them. To give me that calm…

Stupid I guess… I can do this.

I can can’t I?

More people enter and I get ready.

Time ticks. Tick. Tock. Ticks…

Watch over him….

….and to the moon

In the starlit sky,

I ask watch over him

from way up high,

For he is my one

my love my heart,

To be without him

would tear me apart….

~….Musical Rush… ~

Let the music fill your soul

Make you whole

Lose control,

Feel your spirit lift

Such a gift

Heal the rift,

Escape from thoughts that tear you apart

Where they start

Mind and heart,

The rush through your veins

Cascading rains

Relinquish chains,

Feel the beat

Burst of heat

Such a feat,

Pulsating light

Such a height

Give up the fight,

Inner glow

Such a show

Music ends time to go…

Written to the song “Intense” by Armin van Buuren/Miri Ben-Ari. The violin (played more than once), always floods my entire being while the rest lights me up. It’s a feeling of being weightless of being free…

I’m a huge music lover who can find the soul enlightening passion of music in every genre. If you’ve never given trance a go? Try at least this one…

….what would this world be without music but a desolate barren place….

.x.x.

Random thoughts…

There are times

My thoughts get the better of me,

Times I think I should

Set you free,

But then we’d lose

Both me and you,

This love is worth it

The hard times to,

In loving you I’ve

Come to see,

There’s a well

Inside of me,

One that loves you

Endlessly,

My missing piece

Searched my whole life through,

I always felt empty

Until I found you…

Unbalanced.

unbalanced
ʌnˈbalənst/
adjective
adjective: unbalanced

  1. 1.
    (of a person) emotionally or mentally disturbed.
    “she considered him to be mentally unbalanced and dangerous”

    2.
    not giving accurate, fair, or equal coverage to all aspects; partial.

    “this may give an unbalanced impression of the competition”
  2. 2.
    not giving accurate, fair, or equal coverage to all aspects; partial.

    “this may give an unbalanced impression of the competition”
    2.
    not giving accurate, fair, or equal coverage to all aspects; partial.

    “this may give an unbalanced impression of the competition”
unbalance
ʌnˈbal(ə)ns/
verb
past tense: unbalanced; past participle: unbalanced
  1. 1.
    make (someone or something) unsteady so that they tip or fall.
    “the door almost unbalanced him by swinging open”

    2.
    upset or disturb the equilibrium of (a situation or person’s state of mind).

    “this sharing can often unbalance even the closest of relationships”

    I guess that pretty much describes me today…
    I am unbalanced. Do you believe in emotional transference? I’ve often wondered if it’s real? Can another’s emotions affect you?
    Well hmmm… start at the beginning? Hey I’ll try…
    Friday night…
    “(My name) I don’t want to live any more.”
    This sent by someone with depression. Ok. Round their house now. Don’t leave until late. Saturday…
    “I’ve got no electric can I borrow some money for it?”
    Go Round, house pitch black and cold. Kids cold. She’s crying. Go get her electric.
    Stay there and sort her.
    Sunday…
    “I’m a bad mom I’m giving up my kids. I just want to die. Everyone would be better off without me. My children would be happier. I give up. I don’t want them.”
    Again go round. This time get kids to mine and then sit and talk. Lots of crying. Lots of talking trying to get to the root of it.

    Inbetween all this? Sort my house out. Spend time with my kids. Study. Degrees are hard. Lots of research. Remember to eat. Forget to eat. Can’t be arsed to eat. (My allergies stop me from eating the same as my kids who eat good home cooked meals). More study. More research. More notes. Laundry. Kiddos and homework. Spend time with kiddos. Swallow a couple of painkillers for the kidney pain that’s getting worse(I will get round to the docs). More study. Talking to her on Snapchat. Worry about her and kiddos.
    Talk through another friends personal problems late into Sunday night. Who needs sleep right? About 4 hours in total friday/saturday/Sunday night combined. Sleep is for the weak and all that…
    Today…
    “(Enter the poem I got sent here)…”
    A super sad one.

    Another friend…
    “I hate my life.”
    Discuss her problems. Make her feel better.

    Another…
    “You never have time for me anymore… I need your help your the only one I can talk to.”
    We talk. They feel better. Laughing by the end of it.

    I love helping people. I’m actually good at it. I can listen. Really listen. I pick up on the things not said but needing/wanting to be said. That’s me. But? I’ve had 3 intense weeks of other people’s feelings. Their emotions. Their tears. Their lows. I’m not balanced right now. Increasing pressure with my degree. Who am I? Right now? I don’t know. I asked myself that earlier. “Who are you?” I couldn’t answer. I tried asking myself a simpler question… “are you happy?” I don’t know. Shit I can’t make myself happy. How the hell can I make others happy?
    So I’m left unbalanced. Uneven. And wondering just how to even things out… anyone know how to move these weights around to balance out my scales?

    2.
    upset or disturb the equilibrium of (a situation or person’s state of mind).

    “this sharing can often unbalance even the closest of relationships”

    I guess that pretty much describes me today…
    I am unbalanced. Do you believe in emotional transference? I’ve often wondered if it’s real? Can another’s emotions affect you?
    Well hmmm… start at the beginning? Hey I’ll try…
    Friday night…
    “(My name) I don’t want to live any more.”
    This sent by someone with depression. Ok. Round their house now. Don’t leave until late. Saturday…
    “I’ve got no electric can I borrow some money for it?”
    Go Round, house pitch black and cold. Kids cold. She’s crying. Go get her electric.
    Stay there and sort her.
    Sunday…
    “I’m a bad mom I’m giving up my kids. I just want to die. Everyone would be better off without me. My children would be happier. I give up. I don’t want them.”
    Again go round. This time get kids to mine and then sit and talk. Lots of crying. Lots of talking trying to get to the root of it.

    Inbetween all this? Sort my house out. Spend time with my kids. Study. Degrees are hard. Lots of research. Remember to eat. Forget to eat. Can’t be arsed to eat. (My allergies stop me from eating the same as my kids who eat good home cooked meals). More study. More research. More notes. Laundry. Kiddos and homework. Spend time with kiddos. Swallow a couple of painkillers for the kidney pain that’s getting worse(I will get round to the docs). More study. Talking to her on Snapchat. Worry about her and kiddos.
    Talk through another friends personal problems late into Sunday night. Who needs sleep right? About 4 hours in total friday/saturday/Sunday night combined. Sleep is for the weak and all that…
    Today…
    “(Enter the poem I got sent here)…”
    A super sad one.

    Another friend…
    “I hate my life.”
    Discuss her problems. Make her feel better.

    Another…
    “You never have time for me anymore… I need your help your the only one I can talk to.”
    We talk. They feel better. Laughing by the end of it.

    I love helping people. I’m actually good at it. I can listen. Really listen. I pick up on the things not said but needing/wanting to be said. That’s me. But? I’ve had 3 intense weeks of other people’s feelings. Their emotions. Their tears. Their lows. I’m not balanced right now. Increasing pressure with my degree. Who am I? Right now? I don’t know. I asked myself that earlier. “Who are you?” I couldn’t answer. I tried asking myself a simpler question… “are you happy?” I don’t know. Shit I can’t make myself happy. How the hell can I make others happy?
    So I’m left unbalanced. Uneven. And wondering just how to even things out… anyone know how to move these weights around to balance out my scales?

  2. 2.
    upset or disturb the equilibrium of (a situation or person’s state of mind).

    “this sharing can often unbalance even the closest of relationships”

    I guess that pretty much describes me today…
    I am unbalanced. Do you believe in emotional transference? I’ve often wondered if it’s real? Can another’s emotions affect you?
    Well hmmm… start at the beginning? Hey I’ll try…
    Friday night…
    “(My name) I don’t want to live any more.”
    This sent by someone with depression. Ok. Round their house now. Don’t leave until late. Saturday…
    “I’ve got no electric can I borrow some money for it?”
    Go Round, house pitch black and cold. Kids cold. She’s crying. Go get her electric.
    Stay there and sort her.
    Sunday…
    “I’m a bad mom I’m giving up my kids. I just want to die. Everyone would be better off without me. My children would be happier. I give up. I don’t want them.”
    Again go round. This time get kids to mine and then sit and talk. Lots of crying. Lots of talking trying to get to the root of it.

    Inbetween all this? Sort my house out. Spend time with my kids. Study. Degrees are hard. Lots of research. Remember to eat. Forget to eat. Can’t be arsed to eat. (My allergies stop me from eating the same as my kids who eat good home cooked meals). More study. More research. More notes. Laundry. Kiddos and homework. Spend time with kiddos. Swallow a couple of painkillers for the kidney pain that’s getting worse(I will get round to the docs). More study. Talking to her on Snapchat. Worry about her and kiddos.
    Talk through another friends personal problems late into Sunday night. Who needs sleep right? About 4 hours in total friday/saturday/Sunday night combined. Sleep is for the weak and all that…
    Today…
    “(Enter the poem I got sent here)…”
    A super sad one.

    Another friend…
    “I hate my life.”
    Discuss her problems. Make her feel better.

    Another…
    “You never have time for me anymore… I need your help your the only one I can talk to.”
    We talk. They feel better. Laughing by the end of it.

    I love helping people. I’m actually good at it. I can listen. Really listen. I pick up on the things not said but needing/wanting to be said. That’s me. But? I’ve had 3 intense weeks of other people’s feelings. Their emotions. Their tears. Their lows. I’m not balanced right now. Increasing pressure with my degree. Who am I? Right now? I don’t know. I asked myself that earlier. “Who are you?” I couldn’t answer. I tried asking myself a simpler question… “are you happy?” I don’t know. Shit I can’t make myself happy. How the hell can I make others happy?
    So I’m left unbalanced. Uneven. And wondering just how to even things out… anyone know how to move these weights around to balance out my scales?

    2.
    upset or disturb the equilibrium of (a situation or person’s state of mind).

    “this sharing can often unbalance even the closest of relationships”

    I guess that pretty much describes me today…
    I am unbalanced. Do you believe in emotional transference? I’ve often wondered if it’s real? Can another’s emotions affect you?
    Well hmmm… start at the beginning? Hey I’ll try…
    Friday night…
    “(My name) I don’t want to live any more.”
    This sent by someone with depression. Ok. Round their house now. Don’t leave until late. Saturday…
    “I’ve got no electric can I borrow some money for it?”
    Go Round, house pitch black and cold. Kids cold. She’s crying. Go get her electric.
    Stay there and sort her.
    Sunday…
    “I’m a bad mom I’m giving up my kids. I just want to die. Everyone would be better off without me. My children would be happier. I give up. I don’t want them.”
    Again go round. This time get kids to mine and then sit and talk. Lots of crying. Lots of talking trying to get to the root of it.

    Inbetween all this? Sort my house out. Spend time with my kids. Study. Degrees are hard. Lots of research. Remember to eat. Forget to eat. Can’t be arsed to eat. (My allergies stop me from eating the same as my kids who eat good home cooked meals). More study. More research. More notes. Laundry. Kiddos and homework. Spend time with kiddos. Swallow a couple of painkillers for the kidney pain that’s getting worse(I will get round to the docs). More study. Talking to her on Snapchat. Worry about her and kiddos.
    Talk through another friends personal problems late into Sunday night. Who needs sleep right? About 4 hours in total friday/saturday/Sunday night combined. Sleep is for the weak and all that…
    Today…
    “(Enter the poem I got sent here)…”
    A super sad one.

    Another friend…
    “I hate my life.”
    Discuss her problems. Make her feel better.

    Another…
    “You never have time for me anymore… I need your help your the only one I can talk to.”
    We talk. They feel better. Laughing by the end of it.

    I love helping people. I’m actually good at it. I can listen. Really listen. I pick up on the things not said but needing/wanting to be said. That’s me. But? I’ve had 3 intense weeks of other people’s feelings. Their emotions. Their tears. Their lows. I’m not balanced right now. Increasing pressure with my degree. Who am I? Right now? I don’t know. I asked myself that earlier. “Who are you?” I couldn’t answer. I tried asking myself a simpler question… “are you happy?” I don’t know. Shit I can’t make myself happy. How the hell can I make others happy?
    So I’m left unbalanced. Uneven. And wondering just how to even things out… anyone know how to move these weights around to balance out my scales?

    2.
    upset or disturb the equilibrium of (a situation or person’s state of mind).

    “this sharing can often unbalance even the closest of relationships”

    I guess that pretty much describes me today…
    I am unbalanced. Do you believe in emotional transference? I’ve often wondered if it’s real? Can another’s emotions affect you?
    Well hmmm… start at the beginning? Hey I’ll try…
    Friday night…
    “(My name) I don’t want to live any more.”
    This sent by someone with depression. Ok. Round their house now. Don’t leave until late. Saturday…
    “I’ve got no electric can I borrow some money for it?”
    Go Round, house pitch black and cold. Kids cold. She’s crying. Go get her electric.
    Stay there and sort her.
    Sunday…
    “I’m a bad mom I’m giving up my kids. I just want to die. Everyone would be better off without me. My children would be happier. I give up. I don’t want them.”
    Again go round. This time get kids to mine and then sit and talk. Lots of crying. Lots of talking trying to get to the root of it.

    Inbetween all this? Sort my house out. Spend time with my kids. Study. Degrees are hard. Lots of research. Remember to eat. Forget to eat. Can’t be arsed to eat. (My allergies stop me from eating the same as my kids who eat good home cooked meals). More study. More research. More notes. Laundry. Kiddos and homework. Spend time with kiddos. Swallow a couple of painkillers for the kidney pain that’s getting worse(I will get round to the docs). More study. Talking to her on Snapchat. Worry about her and kiddos.
    Talk through another friends personal problems late into Sunday night. Who needs sleep right? About 4 hours in total friday/saturday/Sunday night combined. Sleep is for the weak and all that…
    Today…
    “(Enter the poem I got sent here)…”
    A super sad one.

    Another friend…
    “I hate my life.”
    Discuss her problems. Make her feel better.

    Another…
    “You never have time for me anymore… I need your help your the only one I can talk to.”
    We talk. They feel better. Laughing by the end of it.

    I love helping people. I’m actually good at it. I can listen. Really listen. I pick up on the things not said but needing/wanting to be said. That’s me. But? I’ve had 3 intense weeks of other people’s feelings. Their emotions. Their tears. Their lows. I’m not balanced right now. Increasing pressure with my degree. Who am I? Right now? I don’t know. I asked myself that earlier. “Who are you?” I couldn’t answer. I tried asking myself a simpler question… “are you happy?” I don’t know. Shit I can’t make myself happy. How the hell can I make others happy?
    So I’m left unbalanced. Uneven. And wondering just how to even things out… anyone know how to move these weights around to balance out my scales?

~….The gift….~

Imagine your hopes and desires

take them and times them by ten,

Take all your dreams for the future

to the past and then present again,

Add sweet dash of magic

stir it with truest loves kiss,

A pinch of the softest caress

the moment of eternal bliss,

Pour it in a heart of glass

the fragility and hope of new,

And if you can imagine it all

then you’ll know how I feel about you….

.x.

~…. Storyteller ….~

The lies they slither

off your tongue,

And one by one I fall for them

completely come undone,

You weave your web fabricated

untrue,

And I fall I fall

such a fool for you….

Thoughts….

Your my pleasure

Your my pain,

Spin me in circles

Your such a drain,

The more I lose

The more I gain,

Tell me what

Your gonna do,

I’m so wound up

So into you,

~….Voice….~

That smile oh that smile I

hear it in your voice,

Kaleidoscopic colors from your mouth

made by choice,

And I fall a little deeper

a little deeper than before,

Drugged a little deeper 

needing a little more….

Sulaiman Hafeez

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