Category: Thoughts


Hope is a “cap de pula”

“Hi! How are you?”

Those words… those words mean I have to bend the truth. I have to find a way to tell you what you what to hear. That I’m ok. That I’m doing good. Because you don’t really want to hear that I’m not. Again. So I show you that I’m good and I spend the day with a stupid smile and a happy positive vibe for you to see. And then later? I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from the pretence. The 1 woman show that I’ve put on for everyone to see. From where I’ve worked so hard to have everyone thinking that I’m ok and that I’ve not failed again. And then despite feeling exhausted? I’m awake at night clawing at my mind like I claw at my skin. And the anxiety builds and the self doubt builds and the darkness wins a little more and I smile for everyone to see and I’m ok. And I fail. All I do is fail.

It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to have been able to kick it into touch by now. I’m supposed to have snapped out of it and stopped moping and whatever other words I’ve heard people say… the past is in the past, I’m not a child anymore… grow up and get on with it. I’ve heard it all. But some scars run deep. They fracture you and physically break something deep inside. Some broken children heal and others don’t. The ones that don’t turn into broken adults. And it’s not their fault they’re broken. It’s not my fault I’m broken. But to me? To me it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to disappoint. So I’m ok. But I’m not… I’m tired of the games that my mind plays. I want out of it. I want to be rid of the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks, but most of all? I want to be rid of the nightmares. The things I see when I sleep. Or the terror I feel on the odd occasion I go to the shop and hear someone with that tone of voice. I want to stop being afraid of everything and everyone. Sounds stupid? Yep I know. But it’s the truth. Looking back, I never used to be like this. This bad I mean. It started getting worse about 7 years ago. I don’t know what the catalyst was. But now I question every thing I do, think, and say. I judge myself so harshly that I don’t leave any of myself left for anyone else to judge. It’s said that we are our own worst critic. I rip myself apart before anyone else gets chance to realise just what a failure I am. Because if others found out that I was less? Then they would stay away. People hurt you. No one gets in therefore they can’t hurt me. Only I can hurt me.

Honestly? I’m tired of the whirlwind that is me. That is my mind. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions… I’m tired of me. I’m tired of fake smiling. I want so desperately to give up and yet, there’s this tiny stupidly annoying little thing inside of me… this tiny little spark… its called hope. And as much as I loathe myself? Hope keeps shining. Hope refuses to give up. Hope keeps me going…

…sigh…

Depression/darkness/anxiety/whatever you wish to call it… they are strong and powerful things. But hope? That tiny little sparkling glimmer of hope? It’s the most powerful thing there is.

So… I’m going through bad days(again), My poems on here have stopped(again). But? I’ll be posting soon because? Hope doesn’t let me quit life.

Rollercoaster…

Emotions are a strange thing. I mean we need them they create a balance(supposedly), they allow us to express our feelings *picks up my mask* emotions are important(builds a wall around them). But… What happens when a person’s emotions become too unpredictable? What happens when they yoyo and become “wobbly” ? *calls in the demolition crew*

Imagine you’re on a rollercoaster. There are climbs, some to dizzying heights. There are swooping lows, some going so deep and down hill so fast that they are terrifying. There are loops and spins and thrills and anticipation and anxiety… then there are the parts where you’re just going in a straight line and you can’t see whats in front is it going to be a little dip? A little bounce? Or a sharp fall, like you’re free falling off the face of the earth? The straight becomes scary as you’ve no idea what’s going to happen. Anxiety builds in the pit of your stomach. Now imagine that the rollercoaster is in the dark with flashing lights and sounds and smells and memories blasted at you randomly, think of your biggest fears and worse nightmares, the depth defying soul crush despair and sadness and fear, but throw in happiness and laughter and light and warmth. Its all coming at you. Now add the fact the rollercoaster is going backwards so you just can’t see what’s going to happen next. Feel sick yet? Welcome to how my emotions are affecting me.

I feel like I’m currently walking a tightrope and I’m wobbly… I’m on that straight bit on the rollercoaster and I’m scared. I don’t want to drop back into the depths because that seems to be the only place I go this year. I don’t get enough happy climbs. I know what you’re going say… if I want to be happy? I need to think happy. I need to change what’s making me unhappy. I’m telling you that it’s just not that simple and I can hear you saying that it is… its not. And I really want to explain why its not that simple but you’ll never understand and if I opened myself up enough to explain why? Then I’m letting you in and I can’t let people in because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. I’ve been hurt so many times. I’d rather keep everyone out and not be hurt. I know what you’re thinking… That’s a sad way to be. But it’s not. It’s not because my fear of having that fragile child within me hurt again outweighs everything. To the outside world I’ve got my shit together, I’m just about always smiling. I’m quiet. But people never get in. No one gets near that fragile glass center that is me. Eccedentesiast. That’s me.

Here is different. Here on this blog, this space… its my safe place. Here there are no walls and I write. The most fragile form of me is here in the posts on my space. I crumble and build. Here I show I can give the love I so desperately crave back. Here I can rip my veins open and let my mind, heart and soul pour out. Here it doesn’t matter if I’m held together with broken string some days and good intentions others. Because Here I am safe.

So… here in my little safe place I have decided to make a nest of blankets and pillows and soft stuffs. You’re most welcome to come and get comfy. If you’re having a bad day? Come snuggle in. Don’t worry if you don’t want to talk. I don’t mind because I understand what bad days are like. If you just want a safe place to sleep? Here’s an extra pillow because I know how difficult sleep can be. If you need someone to listen? I’m here… oh… you don’t want to share with a female. That’s ok! See that guy with his head buried in a book? He’s like you. I’m sure he’ll listen. The point is that this right here? We don’t judge here. We won’t look at you with pity. We understand what it’s like to crumble and build ourselves. We understand the darkness and desolation. We understand the need for peace and quiet(and extra soft stuffs to get comfy in).

Now I’ve left you my thoughts… I’m going to leave you some songs. These I’ve just taken from my list that has played while I’ve written. I’ll try to give YouTube links for all of them. If there’s one thing I love? It’s music so I’m always open to a new song and I listen to every genre(not that this list is going to be varied). Here goes…

There you go… 12 songs in the order they played on my playlist as I wrote/stared off into space…

Sending you all a hug.x.

408

I don’t fear your heart…

I fear that you’ll see mine

and think me less…

I don’t fear you

I see your scars

and the deep lines upon your face,

I just want to run my fingers across your skin

and with my fingers trace ever battle

you’ve walked through, you’ve fought.

I don’t fear the sadness within you…

I fear you’ll see the darkness that surrounds me and turn away…

I don’t fear you.

I fear I’ll never be enough

.x.

4 2 4 (if you get it)

I wanted to tell you that I love you but the words don’t fit,

and I wish how I wish that with you I could sit,

we’d talk about the weather and mundane things like the birds that flit,

and we’d stay there enjoying the solitude of two people until the sun in the sky became just a slit,

instead somethings a miss, there is distance and kiss,

I fight the thought of bliss,

I’m mean this just ain’t right,

and thoughts are constricting me kinda tight,

part of me is fading from the light,

fuck it all these thoughts good night…x.

(My thoughts…)

Right now it’s raining,

the thunder and lightning a passion in the sky.

The rain falling like icy sharp needles and it makes my skin come alive just watching it from the window.

My skin starts to itch and thrum,

I can never explain how rain makes me feel.

I mean really feel…

I open the back door and watch as my senses come alive.

The rain coming down so hard making splash pools in the puddles across the patio,

While the kaleidoscopic grays show the depth of passion in the sky…

Its not just my vision that feasts on nature’s delights,

the sounds of thunder grumbling and growling a music to my ears along with the symphony of rain.

My sense of smell awakened by the fresh earth and clean smell. That wet smell that only rain can bring…

Sounds silly I guess and to some it’s just rain, an annoying weather they don’t like.

But to me?

To me it’s so much more…

.x.

Lincoln Cathedral…

Pathway just a pathway

lots of people walking by,

Backstreets of the city

cathedral’s shadow in the sky,

The old and the young

walkright on past,

Happiness sadness

chuckles that last,

Different emotions

depicted on faces,

Strangers wander along

going to places,

Here I sit

in the calm,

Anxiety

not spiking an alarm,

Watching different emotions

depicted on faces,

All of these strangers

alone going places,

Can’t help but notice

how oblivious they are to,

Surrounded in sadness

by such a stunning view…

.x.

Does the colour of your skin matter? Does it? We claim to be such a diverse society and yet we judge so harshly based solely on the colour of a person’s skin. Imagine getting up to face another day with the paranoia of knowing the things you do and the places you’ll go, you’ll be observed, you’ll be judged…

Racism is defined as any act that is seen as prejudice or discriminatory against someone of a different race based on the belief that your own race is superior.

Have you ever looked at a person in a clothing shop, superstore or college campus and judged them suspiciously based on the colour of their skin? Ever wondered whether they’re going to steal something or open their jacket to reveal a bomb?

Imagine being left out or ostracised because you’re “different”. Imagine being mocked or excluded socially or being stereotyped, taunted or insulted simply because your views, beliefs and experiences are different. All people are created equally. We all have a heartbeat. We all breathe. We are the same. So who are you to judge?

How many times have you gone online and laughed at the meme used to portray “innocent” racism? It’s funny right? But would it be so funny if it was about the colour of your skin? You know it wouldn’t.

The Internet is a great place, keeping families and friends connected. We all use it several times a day. Whether we surf the Web or use one of the many social media platforms such as Facebook or Instagram. We’re more connected than ever. This should, and for the most part does, bring us all together. But there’s a dark side to the Internet, an insidious side to life online and its creating the opposite effect to bringing us all together. It’s creating a more inclusive society stirring trouble and causing rifts between people and groups based on religion, ethnicity and? Skin colour.

There is now quantitative behavioural evidence that the rise in the Internet has led to a rise in racism and racially motivated crimes. Ever hear the term following the sheep?

Research has proved the effects of racism can cause significant mental and emotional scarring to an individual and yet? “We” continually racially discriminate, classing “ourselves” a superior race simply because of a person’s culture, religious dresscode or beliefs. Some of us racially discriminate based on the colour of a person’s skin.

We are all equal. We all have a heartbeat. We all breathe…

Mental health… everyone seems to be talking about it just lately. It’s on the news, in adverts, all over the Web. You’ll find something about it in every place you can think of. We’re encouraged to talk about. It’s on the rise in all age groups. All ethnicities and it doesn’t care where or how you live. We’re encouraged to talk about it.

I don’t want to talk about it. Or more specifically, I don’t want to admit just how bad things have got. Last tear I could still wing it. Last year yeah, it was bad. It’s an endless yoyo a constant battle but I could function.

This year has been worse… this year I got talked out of commiting suicide, I had everything ready, no going back(thanks M). Now I think about suicide at least once a week. My brain thinks about the perfect way to do it with no comebacks but so that I’m not in anyone’s way or so that I make a mess(like going by train or taking a dive off something). I’m telling you, planning a murder is easier, and I planned one!(for a story!!). Every for every step I take forward? I either take as many or more backwards. This year I’m tired of fighting the darkness. I’m 41years old and ok I definitely don’t act it(adulting is a trap!), shit… 41years old and my whole life has been spent fighting something I can’t even see.

This year its changed too… I dread going out. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. And I’m trying so hard to still do it. Do 1 thing every day that scares you. And people? I’ve never really done people. People are the scariest things on earth. But now? I’d rather do anything than have to be around or near people. People are NOT safe. I guess if your reading this? You mind jumped to covid. Nope your wrong. When I say not safe? I mean because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt any more. My thinking is that it’s best to just give up on people but that’s where it’s tricky because naturally I want to help others. …sigh… I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of being proved right that if you let someone in? They’ll hurt you. Me? Even when I’m completely falling apart? I will never ask for help. That’s not my way. I could be crumbling and still crawl on and you won’t know.

Why am I writing? I don’t even know at this point… I just am. My rules for my blog come back to me every time I hit the WordPress app icon on my phone… always be truthful. This space is yours. Your 1 safe place. A place no one can judge you or if they do? Who cares? It’s not your neighbour(either of them), no one that follows you lives on your street. This is as the blog says, an empty space. A space for you to write your mind out. So here I am. Having spent the last few days having episodes of crying so hard I’m throwing up and walking around with the headache from hell and muscle cramps(probably from the crying,throwing up and lack of liquid intake). But right here right now I’ve got a cup of chamomile tea which is cold and I’ve still only drunk half despite going and zapping it twice. Here I am still outwardly holding my shit together and hiding how I feel from the entire house. Why? Because in this house I have no choice, I have to be the strong one.

Right now I despise myself. I know that I’m a let down hiding in plain sight. I have judged myself and know that I am less. I know that this world really would be a better place if I had never been brought into this world. But at the same Time? There’s this ridiculously stupid dumb part of me that says that these feelings are because of the darkness and why do I let it win? I don’t let it win. I just don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need a fucking hug and for someone to tell and to mean it when they say they are there for me and that I mean something to them. I need to feel loved. But I need to believe its true. The only one I ever believe cares and is there for me is the darkness. Depression gives the tightest hugs and I just want a hug. Depression will always stand beside me. In a fucked up way? It never leaves and I that there? That is what I need. I need someone who won’t leave because everybody leaves because in my fears I push them all away and let nobody in. But Depression doesn’t listen. It’s always here and envelopes me in its hugs washing me in darkness.

I know I have a problem. But admitting and knowing are two very different things.

…sigh… for today I give up…

Eccedentesiast Messages.

“Hi! How’re you?”

I have bad days more than good. I’ve fallen apart so much this year that I’m running out of string and glue to hold myself together. I’ve shut everyone out and I mean EVERYONE. Ease don’t take it personally that I don’t talk anymore but I got hurt bad this year because I finally believed in someone and let my guard down a little. 5 years. 5 years I’d known them and everyone said that they were a user and no good for me. They turned on me badly when I was at a very low point and I considered ending my life. So now they’re out of my life but it’s caused a knock on effect and now I don’t want anyone near me. I don’t want to talk to people. My confidence is gone. I just want to stay home and never see people again. People hurt you. I say it all the time and I’m always told that no. No they don’t. It’s just a few bad ones that take advantage. But YES. Yes they do. Time has proved it again and again. So I am quiet. I hate myself. I hardly sleep. My anxiety has presented itself in a new way now… I get the shakes when it’s pushed too high. That’s made me really self conscious. I keep telling myself that I’ll get over it. But when? But I’ll get over it.

“Hi! How’re you? I hope you’re keeping well? Massive hugs.x.x.”

…Lost in thought…

Watching you
so dainty and sweet,
Tiny little nose
soft fluffy feet,
Nose boops and soft purrs,
You jumped up on the counter
just to watch what I’m doing,
and glare at that yucky white stuff
that is all over the floor outside the window.
Yes yes… you shouldnt be on the counter.
I’m spraying it again huh? I’ve cleaned it 4 times already today.
Your tail curled around your feet.
That tail that gets people talking, how they know your mine, tail as long as a normal cat and so fluffy!
If only everyone that has ever seen you
would know that at home the shy timid streak of white and black that runs so fast from everyone, actually likes to be cuddled…
on your terms!
You look at me and I see it,
Those eyes that hold so much knowledge,
Those other worldly eyes of greens and yellows that appear to change colour…
Chicken? Those eyes say.
Always for you.
You and your chicken obsession.
But not just any way, cut it small or you won’t touch it.
Watching you eat with that tiny mouth so dainty.
My fluffy friend.
That purr…
Oh that purr so loud out of someone so small.
I get so lost in watching you that I dont hear the pan on the hob boiling.
Ooopppssss…
So lost in the magic that is you.
Once cats were revered as G*Ds. With time we forgot. But cats did not.
How I love that saying and believe there’s truth in it.
You may be young but you have such an old soul and I see it every time I get lost in watching you…x.

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