Category: Thoughts


…Lost in thought…

Watching you
so dainty and sweet,
Tiny little nose
soft fluffy feet,
Nose boops and soft purrs,
You jumped up on the counter
just to watch what I’m doing,
and glare at that yucky white stuff
that is all over the floor outside the window.
Yes yes… you shouldnt be on the counter.
I’m spraying it again huh? I’ve cleaned it 4 times already today.
Your tail curled around your feet.
That tail that gets people talking, how they know your mine, tail as long as a normal cat and so fluffy!
If only everyone that has ever seen you
would know that at home the shy timid streak of white and black that runs so fast from everyone, actually likes to be cuddled…
on your terms!
You look at me and I see it,
Those eyes that hold so much knowledge,
Those other worldly eyes of greens and yellows that appear to change colour…
Chicken? Those eyes say.
Always for you.
You and your chicken obsession.
But not just any way, cut it small or you won’t touch it.
Watching you eat with that tiny mouth so dainty.
My fluffy friend.
That purr…
Oh that purr so loud out of someone so small.
I get so lost in watching you that I dont hear the pan on the hob boiling.
Ooopppssss…
So lost in the magic that is you.
Once cats were revered as G*Ds. With time we forgot. But cats did not.
How I love that saying and believe there’s truth in it.
You may be young but you have such an old soul and I see it every time I get lost in watching you…x.

Write your own title…



    Well hi!  I’ve been bit quiet lately,so much going on and I’ve not been feeling the words. The kiddos first week back at school was interesting to say the least. They are fab and make me proud with the way they’ve gone straight back at it. The youngest is realising that idont mind her listening to music,it’s the gatcha life in lesson time I draw the line at. She’s been busted twice.
    A lot happened on Friday and although this isn’t going to be a long post, I don’t think it will be anyway, its Friday and what’s happened because of it I’m going to write about…
    Friday afternoon me and the 15 year old had a play tickle fight,loads of laughing and smiling and just fun. But I hurt myself (and yes I’ve found it hilariously funny). I’ve twisted or sprained my knee, well I’ve done something to it! By Saturday it was completely swollen and I couldn’t walk on it, que strapping it up to support it as I cussed and cursed around the kitchen, crawled up the stairs and almost cried crawling back down them, as I went off on one at the washing machine for washing clothes to quickly and the dryer for drying the clothes to quickly. Sunday, Monday, we’re now on Tuesday(20:38 UK time), and I’m still seriously struggling its still swollen, it still hurts, I’m still limping, still can’t completely bend or straighten it. But? Its still funny as fudge!
    Now… the more important bit and the reason I wanted to write and this is incredibly sad. On Friday a girl in my 15 year olds form class committed suicide. Needless to say everyone is still shocked. Sadness doesn’t begin to describe it. One of the popular girls who was kind, sweet, caring and beautiful. The school has offered counselling to all students and to all teachers. The teachers have talked to the pupils as each lesson begins both yesterday and today. I wrote previously that the years 2 of my children are in are exam years, there is so much pressure. And I mean an extreme amount of pressure. Covid has made it so much harder, lessons online is so much harder and our house is lucky that there are enough devices for all 3 youngest to be online doing class work. Everyone is feeling the isolation. For 15 and 17/18(Alevel)Yr olds across the UK? The pressure is immense. A support network is ringing every family to ask how their teenager is, after talking for a few moments I asked if she wanted to talk to the 15yr old who was doing her work near me. I have sat and spoken to my 15 year old a few times about what happened. Her brothers and sisters, us as a family, we stick together and we talk. It is a parents worse nightmare and my heart goes out to her mum.
     My last thought in writing this post is this…
          There are going to be days where you feel so alone. That no one understands,that no one is there for you. You will feel like no one cares and that you’re not worthy of love. There will be days where you can’t see anything other than the bleak greyness that appears to go on forever. There might be times when to not breathe? Seems the better option. When these days happen, when your thoughts are like this? I’m asking you to remember something important…

      You are a candle 🕯
If you went out?
Somebodies path would be in darkness.
You light their path in life
Probably without ever knowing
How bright and well lit
You make their life path.
You are important.
You are not just wanted.
You are needed.
And even if at times
You don’t feel it?
You are loved.x.


So as simple as it sounds?
Please don’t ever forget…
You are a candle 🕯

How are you? No seriously. Its not a trick question. How are you? How are you doing? How are you feeling? How are you coping with the kiddos? With work? With life? With covid? How are you?

I could comment how I’ve been having a bad day. A bad few days. How today I’ve felt to numb to even cry. I could tell you how today was first day back at school for my youngest 3. Google classrooms open all day. I salute you every single teacher who is working on Google classrooms and doing their best. You’ve got this shit! Keep going! Even when the answer was clearly Southwest but you put the 4 four choice answers as Northwest, Northeast, South and East. Its all good. She knew she was right and kept going. You’re only just starting back and the pressure on you is immense. No sarcasm. I do understand.

I could tell you how at 20:00 tonight? Our PM(England. I’m in Lincolnshire), said that exams are not happening and me spending time with my 15 year old (the one that has dyslexia), calming her and letting her know its going to be ok. She’s so worried that this means she’s failed because its not just what the amazing support network of her subject teachers know she can do… its proving it to some random invigilator that yes… I can prove R…….. can do the work because she handed in this, this and this. My daughter is scared. She’s worried how this is going to affect her for college. My 6th former? Hes asleep and I dont have the heart to wake him and make him worry all night. Let him sleep and im going to be there for him tomorrow as we talk and get through it. I’m so so so glad he’s already done Science and got an A*. I could tell you how my year 7(my 11 year old is not learning like we did when we were 11. Nor is she learning how any of her brothers or sisters learnt when they were 11. She’s not learning those socially accepted norms and values that you only seem to learn in Secondary school. But? She’s adapting. She’s trying. She’s got her friends to play and chat with online and over the phone(I knew those free minutes were a good thing!). I had her doing PE today in her PE kit. So not impressed with me but? We’ve decided to do PE together last lesson every Monday and Friday(I’ll be crawling by the end!).

So while I could tell you about all of this? I’m not going to go into any detail. I’m not going to tell you how I’m feeling or my worries about my kiddos, my worry about my kiddo who has kidney problems and how he worries. I’m not gonna say how how I worry about the kiddos dad and his health problems putting him at high risk just like my kiddo with the kidney problems.

You’re probably wondering what I’m thinking about and why I’m writing? So here’s what I’m thinking about and? Why I asked you… How are you? Things are hard. 2020 was a hard year across the world and 2021 wasn’t going to change and be better as soon as we hit January 1st. Be realistic. Things WILL get better. But they’ll take time. So people will lose their jobs and find money even harder(it happened last year,its still happening). Key workers will be over stretched and work ridiculous hours(I was talking to my daughters best friends sister who works in a shop that is twins with a country name(no secret advertising here!), she handed in her notice as she’s so over worked, long story short? Its being sorted and she’s staying). Teachers are having to consistently change things with little notice. People are going to struggle. People’s mental health is going to be affected. Some people with have no one and be completely isolated and alone. Kiddos whether in single digits or double digits will be struggling just like last year…

I know what our house is going through and those few that are close to us? I know what they’re going through. We will get there. Out there at the other end of the wire? Are people who have it 10, 20, or 100 times worse than me and mine. It could be you reading this… so I’m asking… How are you?

Sending all of you at the other end of the wire a massive virtual hug from me.x.

  I fight with you, I listen to you, I give up and give in to you, you smother me to keep me safe so you say…

  I got asked twice on here why it showed I posted a post titled Female muse? No. He’s male and yet it cant be read… its because I made it private. Doubt has eaten such a hole in my thoughts that people/others/whoever would judge me for him. For being open enough to even include a little of our carefully screenshotted chat. For being honest enough to acknowledge that he has been my muse for over 20 years. For opening my mind into the thoughts and definitions of what a muse is and how,though we have never been lovers only friends, he has artistically been my obsession. Doubt won. The only person that knows he is my inspiration is him. No one else. But I started wondering, started thinking… we spoke the day before yesterday. A lengthy conversation. Both through messages and then a voice call, I don’t do voice calls(snapchat, WhatsApp or text me. Dont call me), but I did the brave thing. I did a voice call. I can be brave. I admit I was so nervous and my hands were shaking but? After a few minutes(and the Chamomile tea!), I was good. He has anxiety just like me, has issues not the same but like me, can’t deal with the world just like me. But our difference is that he not only holds an amazing steady job but its in how he has worked his life and kind of compartmentalised and locked off parts.

Anyway… I wrote the post. I thought it would do me good. I thought it would show that look… I’m just like any other weirdly obsessed word junkie… its real this muse thing, his normal conversations, just particular words or the way he laughs… it inspires me. But then? I’m too weird… its wrong isn’t it? Ah… I dont know… some of our conversation is eating at me even now… its messing with my mind to the point the last message between us was? “ok” not capitalised nor a full stop. I now doubt our every word from my endless overthinking and dont want to talk to him or anyone for that matter. Anyone up for a fort building session with pillows and blankets? Ugh… maybe not… so the post has gone. I mean its still there but its private and it glares at me!

Here’s a song for you all…

Jess Glynn “Insecurities.”

My mind is so alive with words right now and I really should write them down. Instead I’m letting my fears, insecurities and doubts eat them one by one. I’m questioning every thought I think. Second guessing myself. I want to give up on words but they just like music, are my blood.

I’ll put the kettle on and make Chamomile tea… I so miss coffee 😭 this caffeine free thing is going to kill me in the end I swear… 😒

Anyway… Take care all of you at the other end of the wire…x.

Alpha

It goes without saying that the world is in really bad way right now. As I write this, nations all around the globe are struggling to contain a global pandemic that has already claimed over 100,000 lives, infected more than 1.6 million people, and left millions more financially devastated. In addition to this, entire countries […]

Alpha

Reblogged this from http://therenegadepress.com as it hit my attention with the word Alpha. As I was reading I first started saying… “what?! No! Thats not a real Alpha!” While shaking my head at the stereotypical definition of Alpha that society thinks is correct. But as I got further down in my reading I saw that yes… the real definition of an Alpha is there(earning huge smiles from me!). Do I think the man that wrote it is an Alpha male? In a way? Yes I do! Its a great piece of writing and well worth a read. Also hes well worth a follow 😉

A repost from 2013…


~… You …~

( In that moment….)

The smell the smell

the smell of your skin,

As I look over your shoulder

distracts me just enough sets me off balance within,

The feel of your shirt

your waist your back,

My mind starts wondering

off course off track,

Feel the heat coming off you

emotions hitch,

And I feel so dazed yet turned on

like you flicked a switch,

So close in this moment

feel through your shirt the curve of your skin,

The smell the feel the thin fabric

your skin the heat from within,

Your oh so sexy voice and the balance tips

and I am lost on every sound,

Until there’s nothing no thought but you

til I hit the ground….

.x.

For you….

you make my veins flame,

my skin burn….

Bringing me down…

Song after song plays
and I miss you,
My heart feeling heavier and heavier
hurting so true,
Mind plays games
it brings me down,
The very best I can do
is sigh and frown,
Because inside I’m shattering
breaking,
This toll on my heart
its taking,
I cant cope with this I
just wanna drown,
Emotions take hold
they’re pulling me down,
And my hearts so damn stupid
holding out hope,
Consistently telling me
“hey you can cope”,
But no I can’t
emotions sliding so far away,
And I know that I’m breaking
breaking today…
.x.

Written and inspired by… Lady Antebellum “Need you now”

For J.J.L. love always.x.x.

…pause stop rewind replay…

I’m losing you

and I’m slipping,

Can’t cope

and I’m tripping,

Feeling interwoven twines snap

losing hope,

Distance distance distance

can’t cope,

I’m spiralling

not okay,

Can’t do this anymore

today,

Entwined within

my soul,

You’re what makes me

whole,

And this is so

not not not okay,

I’m struggling so harshly

loathing today,

I need to hit pause stop rewind

replay,

Just can’t take this today

Fuck I’m not okay

Don’t let it be I pray

In my heart you lay

Doesn’t matter what I say

Need you in every way

Hit pause stop rewind replay…

.x.

…For J.J.L. massive hugs.x.x.x.x

Rain AND…. more snow….

…Endless Dreaming…

.

.

My dream last night
of rain and snow,
It rained so hard
but it would not go,
I fell
to my knees,
In the mud
and asked please,
Just leave
my thoughts be,
This is no good
for me,
But the cold froze the rain and with the snow
it hit my face,
It swirled as the snow got deeper
and held me in place,
I looked down at the snow
spread out all around,
That’s when I saw footprints
imprinted on the ground,
These footprints I need
to follow I know,
But I’m feeling afraid
of where they will go,
Tonight I’ll go without
there’ll be no cold wind to blow,
Tonight I just won’t sleep
so I won’t dream of snow….

.x.

…Its just a day… Breathe…

There is an edge to the world
and I’m slipping,
So many rocks
and I’m tripping,
Sometimes I wanna
close the door,
But I take a step
and fall through the floor,
And everything’s dark
as black as night,
And I’ve lost my way
can’t find the light,
All I see is endless
hurt,
I think I treat
everyone like dirt,
It’s only a day I
shouldn’t act so rough,
It’s only one loss I
should act more tough,
And I know that to others
that’s where I should care,
Quit thinking of me
and for others be there,
Right now I
need the love instead,
I can’t rhyme anymore I’m
horrid….

The mind is a treacherous thing… the way it torments and twists things and gets filled with so much doubt…

Its just a day… breathe…x.

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