Category: Thoughts


…Cracks…

I wanted to give up

I wanted to give up so bad,

I expected you

to be so mad,

I thought that you’ll leave

when I need you to stay,

Please please please

don’t ever go away,

I know that I’m broken

and I feel lost and alone,

and I know that’s partly my fault

And I’m wholly to blame,

The gray talks to me

pulling me into its game,

And I go

I fucking keep going,

Rational thinking

its knowing,

But I give in I’m so weak

can’t do this,

I push but it takes

the piss,

I want to

give in,

Keep drowning

within,

I keep saying I got this

I’m good,

But those are my lies

sugar-coated misunderstood,

Sugar-coated crystalline candy

love heart lies,

Because in my head I’m saying

goodbyes,

I’m slinking further

away,

I’m giving up more

every day,

But deep down

I need you to stay,

Please don’t leave though I push

you away,

I keep walking closer

closer to the edge,

It beckons and it calls me

step up to the ledge,

And I try and I fight

but I’m exhausted inside,

And I’m so damn sorry I

told you I was okay because I lied,

I want to give in,

But giving in

is a sin,

Life is so precious

and I feel so much shame,

My head is a mess

and I know I’m to blame,

I feel I’m not worthy

I should walk out life’s door,

But I’m not worth the time put a smile on

get up off the floor,

Please don’t leave

say that you’ll stay,

I’m cold with emotions

and push everyone away,

I lock myself off I

lock myself down,

And I know its my fault

I keep the gray in so I drown,

I drown quietly so

that you’ll never know,

Because I’m so ashamed of me I’m bad tainted

please don’t leave don’t go…

.x.

Darkness come hold me…

Come hold me because I don’t want to be alone…

Some times the most scariest thing for me are the moments of clarity. Those little moments of quiet when I realise just how sad I am. How low I am. And how close I really am to giving up hope.

I’m sitting here in the kitchen, the last vestiges of evening light fading into a gloominess punctuated by the light from the screen. I’m back in my favourite spot leaning with my back against the washing machine sat on the floor, feet against the oven door(I described this kitchen once, put 2 people in it and it’s over crowded). The encroaching darkness acting like a shield to hide my emotions from the world. My heart is heavy. It’s an organ I hear you say… You don’t get it then do you, My emotions have spilled over and are weighing me down to the point I feel like I’m drowning in them. I ask myself just what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I shake this shit? And I’m trying to pull myself together and show I’ve got this but I haven’t.

I had an interesting conversation a few days ago… long story short, I said I hide how I feel. They said “women don’t do that.” But I do… If you saw me in 5minutes time? You’d see me smiling. If you saw me 5 minutes ago? I would have been smiling. What you won’t see? Is how I feel. That’s always hidden behind my smile. It’s my mask for the world. A simple smile. But if you’re clever? You’ll notice my eyes, those don’t lie and always(begrudgingly), give me away. Luckily most people don’t notice and I rarely look people in the eyes. But back to the person that said women don’t do that… I’m thinking they didn’t like it that I hide how I feel. How I really feel from them. It’s not that I’m trying to be horrible. It’s that I don’t want to be judged as failing. I don’t want to be judged and found a failure. Most people think I’ve always got my shot together and truth is I haven’t and I’m usually just winging it on a wish and a prayer and thanking destiny that shot turns out right( or cussing that it’s all going to hell in a pisspot). The point is I won’t ask for help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t want others to know that I’m a sham, a failure.

There is no harsher critic of me than me, and I will rip myself apart if the seeds of doubt grow to high. Sigh… I forgot the original point of this post. There was one but it’s lost in how shite I feel. Sometimes I think I should just give in to the encapsulating darkness when it embraces me telling me to let go. I really think I should shower and go to bed. My thoughts are currently in a very bad, very dark place. And I don’t really want to leave it because as much as I fight the darkness? It’s the one thing that is always there for me. It won’t judge me as a failure and will swirl itself around me as I fall apart again and again and again. It’s the one thing I know without a doubt… This darkness that I consistently fight? It’s the one that’s always here to hold me… It’s the only one who always sees behind my smile.

Sending you all a hug down the wire because I know there’s people going through the same and feeling as alone as I do. As sad as I do. As heavy as I do. And just like I do? I bet they hide behind a smile… Whoever and where ever you are? I hope you find an outlet like I have. Hugs.x.

Hope is a “cap de pula”

“Hi! How are you?”

Those words… those words mean I have to bend the truth. I have to find a way to tell you what you what to hear. That I’m ok. That I’m doing good. Because you don’t really want to hear that I’m not. Again. So I show you that I’m good and I spend the day with a stupid smile and a happy positive vibe for you to see. And then later? I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from the pretence. The 1 woman show that I’ve put on for everyone to see. From where I’ve worked so hard to have everyone thinking that I’m ok and that I’ve not failed again. And then despite feeling exhausted? I’m awake at night clawing at my mind like I claw at my skin. And the anxiety builds and the self doubt builds and the darkness wins a little more and I smile for everyone to see and I’m ok. And I fail. All I do is fail.

It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to have been able to kick it into touch by now. I’m supposed to have snapped out of it and stopped moping and whatever other words I’ve heard people say… the past is in the past, I’m not a child anymore… grow up and get on with it. I’ve heard it all. But some scars run deep. They fracture you and physically break something deep inside. Some broken children heal and others don’t. The ones that don’t turn into broken adults. And it’s not their fault they’re broken. It’s not my fault I’m broken. But to me? To me it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to disappoint. So I’m ok. But I’m not… I’m tired of the games that my mind plays. I want out of it. I want to be rid of the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks, but most of all? I want to be rid of the nightmares. The things I see when I sleep. Or the terror I feel on the odd occasion I go to the shop and hear someone with that tone of voice. I want to stop being afraid of everything and everyone. Sounds stupid? Yep I know. But it’s the truth. Looking back, I never used to be like this. This bad I mean. It started getting worse about 7 years ago. I don’t know what the catalyst was. But now I question every thing I do, think, and say. I judge myself so harshly that I don’t leave any of myself left for anyone else to judge. It’s said that we are our own worst critic. I rip myself apart before anyone else gets chance to realise just what a failure I am. Because if others found out that I was less? Then they would stay away. People hurt you. No one gets in therefore they can’t hurt me. Only I can hurt me.

Honestly? I’m tired of the whirlwind that is me. That is my mind. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions… I’m tired of me. I’m tired of fake smiling. I want so desperately to give up and yet, there’s this tiny stupidly annoying little thing inside of me… this tiny little spark… its called hope. And as much as I loathe myself? Hope keeps shining. Hope refuses to give up. Hope keeps me going…

…sigh…

Depression/darkness/anxiety/whatever you wish to call it… they are strong and powerful things. But hope? That tiny little sparkling glimmer of hope? It’s the most powerful thing there is.

So… I’m going through bad days(again), My poems on here have stopped(again). But? I’ll be posting soon because? Hope doesn’t let me quit life.

Rollercoaster…

Emotions are a strange thing. I mean we need them they create a balance(supposedly), they allow us to express our feelings *picks up my mask* emotions are important(builds a wall around them). But… What happens when a person’s emotions become too unpredictable? What happens when they yoyo and become “wobbly” ? *calls in the demolition crew*

Imagine you’re on a rollercoaster. There are climbs, some to dizzying heights. There are swooping lows, some going so deep and down hill so fast that they are terrifying. There are loops and spins and thrills and anticipation and anxiety… then there are the parts where you’re just going in a straight line and you can’t see whats in front is it going to be a little dip? A little bounce? Or a sharp fall, like you’re free falling off the face of the earth? The straight becomes scary as you’ve no idea what’s going to happen. Anxiety builds in the pit of your stomach. Now imagine that the rollercoaster is in the dark with flashing lights and sounds and smells and memories blasted at you randomly, think of your biggest fears and worse nightmares, the depth defying soul crush despair and sadness and fear, but throw in happiness and laughter and light and warmth. Its all coming at you. Now add the fact the rollercoaster is going backwards so you just can’t see what’s going to happen next. Feel sick yet? Welcome to how my emotions are affecting me.

I feel like I’m currently walking a tightrope and I’m wobbly… I’m on that straight bit on the rollercoaster and I’m scared. I don’t want to drop back into the depths because that seems to be the only place I go this year. I don’t get enough happy climbs. I know what you’re going say… if I want to be happy? I need to think happy. I need to change what’s making me unhappy. I’m telling you that it’s just not that simple and I can hear you saying that it is… its not. And I really want to explain why its not that simple but you’ll never understand and if I opened myself up enough to explain why? Then I’m letting you in and I can’t let people in because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. I’ve been hurt so many times. I’d rather keep everyone out and not be hurt. I know what you’re thinking… That’s a sad way to be. But it’s not. It’s not because my fear of having that fragile child within me hurt again outweighs everything. To the outside world I’ve got my shit together, I’m just about always smiling. I’m quiet. But people never get in. No one gets near that fragile glass center that is me. Eccedentesiast. That’s me.

Here is different. Here on this blog, this space… its my safe place. Here there are no walls and I write. The most fragile form of me is here in the posts on my space. I crumble and build. Here I show I can give the love I so desperately crave back. Here I can rip my veins open and let my mind, heart and soul pour out. Here it doesn’t matter if I’m held together with broken string some days and good intentions others. Because Here I am safe.

So… here in my little safe place I have decided to make a nest of blankets and pillows and soft stuffs. You’re most welcome to come and get comfy. If you’re having a bad day? Come snuggle in. Don’t worry if you don’t want to talk. I don’t mind because I understand what bad days are like. If you just want a safe place to sleep? Here’s an extra pillow because I know how difficult sleep can be. If you need someone to listen? I’m here… oh… you don’t want to share with a female. That’s ok! See that guy with his head buried in a book? He’s like you. I’m sure he’ll listen. The point is that this right here? We don’t judge here. We won’t look at you with pity. We understand what it’s like to crumble and build ourselves. We understand the darkness and desolation. We understand the need for peace and quiet(and extra soft stuffs to get comfy in).

Now I’ve left you my thoughts… I’m going to leave you some songs. These I’ve just taken from my list that has played while I’ve written. I’ll try to give YouTube links for all of them. If there’s one thing I love? It’s music so I’m always open to a new song and I listen to every genre(not that this list is going to be varied). Here goes…

There you go… 12 songs in the order they played on my playlist as I wrote/stared off into space…

Sending you all a hug.x.

408

I don’t fear your heart…

I fear that you’ll see mine

and think me less…

I don’t fear you

I see your scars

and the deep lines upon your face,

I just want to run my fingers across your skin

and with my fingers trace ever battle

you’ve walked through, you’ve fought.

I don’t fear the sadness within you…

I fear you’ll see the darkness that surrounds me and turn away…

I don’t fear you.

I fear I’ll never be enough

.x.

4 2 4 (if you get it)

I wanted to tell you that I love you but the words don’t fit,

and I wish how I wish that with you I could sit,

we’d talk about the weather and mundane things like the birds that flit,

and we’d stay there enjoying the solitude of two people until the sun in the sky became just a slit,

instead somethings a miss, there is distance and kiss,

I fight the thought of bliss,

I’m mean this just ain’t right,

and thoughts are constricting me kinda tight,

part of me is fading from the light,

fuck it all these thoughts good night…x.

(My thoughts…)

Right now it’s raining,

the thunder and lightning a passion in the sky.

The rain falling like icy sharp needles and it makes my skin come alive just watching it from the window.

My skin starts to itch and thrum,

I can never explain how rain makes me feel.

I mean really feel…

I open the back door and watch as my senses come alive.

The rain coming down so hard making splash pools in the puddles across the patio,

While the kaleidoscopic grays show the depth of passion in the sky…

Its not just my vision that feasts on nature’s delights,

the sounds of thunder grumbling and growling a music to my ears along with the symphony of rain.

My sense of smell awakened by the fresh earth and clean smell. That wet smell that only rain can bring…

Sounds silly I guess and to some it’s just rain, an annoying weather they don’t like.

But to me?

To me it’s so much more…

.x.

Lincoln Cathedral…

Pathway just a pathway

lots of people walking by,

Backstreets of the city

cathedral’s shadow in the sky,

The old and the young

walkright on past,

Happiness sadness

chuckles that last,

Different emotions

depicted on faces,

Strangers wander along

going to places,

Here I sit

in the calm,

Anxiety

not spiking an alarm,

Watching different emotions

depicted on faces,

All of these strangers

alone going places,

Can’t help but notice

how oblivious they are to,

Surrounded in sadness

by such a stunning view…

.x.

Does the colour of your skin matter? Does it? We claim to be such a diverse society and yet we judge so harshly based solely on the colour of a person’s skin. Imagine getting up to face another day with the paranoia of knowing the things you do and the places you’ll go, you’ll be observed, you’ll be judged…

Racism is defined as any act that is seen as prejudice or discriminatory against someone of a different race based on the belief that your own race is superior.

Have you ever looked at a person in a clothing shop, superstore or college campus and judged them suspiciously based on the colour of their skin? Ever wondered whether they’re going to steal something or open their jacket to reveal a bomb?

Imagine being left out or ostracised because you’re “different”. Imagine being mocked or excluded socially or being stereotyped, taunted or insulted simply because your views, beliefs and experiences are different. All people are created equally. We all have a heartbeat. We all breathe. We are the same. So who are you to judge?

How many times have you gone online and laughed at the meme used to portray “innocent” racism? It’s funny right? But would it be so funny if it was about the colour of your skin? You know it wouldn’t.

The Internet is a great place, keeping families and friends connected. We all use it several times a day. Whether we surf the Web or use one of the many social media platforms such as Facebook or Instagram. We’re more connected than ever. This should, and for the most part does, bring us all together. But there’s a dark side to the Internet, an insidious side to life online and its creating the opposite effect to bringing us all together. It’s creating a more inclusive society stirring trouble and causing rifts between people and groups based on religion, ethnicity and? Skin colour.

There is now quantitative behavioural evidence that the rise in the Internet has led to a rise in racism and racially motivated crimes. Ever hear the term following the sheep?

Research has proved the effects of racism can cause significant mental and emotional scarring to an individual and yet? “We” continually racially discriminate, classing “ourselves” a superior race simply because of a person’s culture, religious dresscode or beliefs. Some of us racially discriminate based on the colour of a person’s skin.

We are all equal. We all have a heartbeat. We all breathe…

Mental health… everyone seems to be talking about it just lately. It’s on the news, in adverts, all over the Web. You’ll find something about it in every place you can think of. We’re encouraged to talk about. It’s on the rise in all age groups. All ethnicities and it doesn’t care where or how you live. We’re encouraged to talk about it.

I don’t want to talk about it. Or more specifically, I don’t want to admit just how bad things have got. Last tear I could still wing it. Last year yeah, it was bad. It’s an endless yoyo a constant battle but I could function.

This year has been worse… this year I got talked out of commiting suicide, I had everything ready, no going back(thanks M). Now I think about suicide at least once a week. My brain thinks about the perfect way to do it with no comebacks but so that I’m not in anyone’s way or so that I make a mess(like going by train or taking a dive off something). I’m telling you, planning a murder is easier, and I planned one!(for a story!!). Every for every step I take forward? I either take as many or more backwards. This year I’m tired of fighting the darkness. I’m 41years old and ok I definitely don’t act it(adulting is a trap!), shit… 41years old and my whole life has been spent fighting something I can’t even see.

This year its changed too… I dread going out. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. And I’m trying so hard to still do it. Do 1 thing every day that scares you. And people? I’ve never really done people. People are the scariest things on earth. But now? I’d rather do anything than have to be around or near people. People are NOT safe. I guess if your reading this? You mind jumped to covid. Nope your wrong. When I say not safe? I mean because people hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt any more. My thinking is that it’s best to just give up on people but that’s where it’s tricky because naturally I want to help others. …sigh… I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m tired of being proved right that if you let someone in? They’ll hurt you. Me? Even when I’m completely falling apart? I will never ask for help. That’s not my way. I could be crumbling and still crawl on and you won’t know.

Why am I writing? I don’t even know at this point… I just am. My rules for my blog come back to me every time I hit the WordPress app icon on my phone… always be truthful. This space is yours. Your 1 safe place. A place no one can judge you or if they do? Who cares? It’s not your neighbour(either of them), no one that follows you lives on your street. This is as the blog says, an empty space. A space for you to write your mind out. So here I am. Having spent the last few days having episodes of crying so hard I’m throwing up and walking around with the headache from hell and muscle cramps(probably from the crying,throwing up and lack of liquid intake). But right here right now I’ve got a cup of chamomile tea which is cold and I’ve still only drunk half despite going and zapping it twice. Here I am still outwardly holding my shit together and hiding how I feel from the entire house. Why? Because in this house I have no choice, I have to be the strong one.

Right now I despise myself. I know that I’m a let down hiding in plain sight. I have judged myself and know that I am less. I know that this world really would be a better place if I had never been brought into this world. But at the same Time? There’s this ridiculously stupid dumb part of me that says that these feelings are because of the darkness and why do I let it win? I don’t let it win. I just don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need a fucking hug and for someone to tell and to mean it when they say they are there for me and that I mean something to them. I need to feel loved. But I need to believe its true. The only one I ever believe cares and is there for me is the darkness. Depression gives the tightest hugs and I just want a hug. Depression will always stand beside me. In a fucked up way? It never leaves and I that there? That is what I need. I need someone who won’t leave because everybody leaves because in my fears I push them all away and let nobody in. But Depression doesn’t listen. It’s always here and envelopes me in its hugs washing me in darkness.

I know I have a problem. But admitting and knowing are two very different things.

…sigh… for today I give up…

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