Archive for October, 2022

August the 10th 2022

I wrote the below on August the 10th this year. Those little moments of clarity before I fall are probably the scariest of all as I know its going to happen and yet I’m powerless to stop it. I thought I’d share this as despite how dumb and unintelligent I feel I am? I think that it shows that I’m actually not. Im just not for everyone and thats okay. No one is for everyone. I am me. Beautifully broken me. Ask me tomorrow and I’ll tell you I hate myself but right now? Im just here. Anyway… I chatter far far too much for a person that is so damn silent IRL...

There are times when I’m lost, lost in the sea of my thoughts… but no. That’s not quite right because some random song plays in my head on full blast on repeat and so I can’t find the actual thoughts behind it. It’s one big nothingness and I guess that’s kinda frightening and yet maybe it could mean I have an empty head? But truth is? I don’t. At the moment I know I’m standing on the precipice and the endless songs that play in my mind are distracting me from the fall I’m about to take. Everything has taken on a surreal quality and its kind of like looking up into a cloudless sky and for the first time seeing it as not flat blue but seeing the unimaginable depths and noticing that’s its not just blue but a subtle ombre of grays, pinks, purples, blues and whites dependent on where you look. Once again my thoughts are distracted by something else and I edge just a little closer to edge. I don’t know how far the fall will be this time and I’ve no clue as to whether I’ll land softly and be able to keep going or whether I’ll land on broken jagged shards that will tear me apart and I’ll once again have to find the threads of what is defined by society as normal and sane and then carefully sew myself haphazardly back together and pretend everything’s fine when under the surface its not. When I gets these moments of clarity I think that maybe they frighten me more as I know for certain I have crested a wave, I’ve ridden high on delirious happiness and that in itself should be an indicator that my mental state is precariously close to crashing out and my emotional well being is anything but okay. Sadly in these moments I always seem to find myself looking on from inside unable and helpless to do anything to stop the fall I know is about to happen. It’s like a stop function enabling me to get a good look at what’s going on and what is about to happen but, some joker is going to press play, at any moment now and I’m gonna take the fall and have to deal with the consequences. Something else catches my attention and my thoughts dash off giggling like a hyena on a fruitless chase of nothingness which allows me to unconsciously take another step close to the edge. Part of me wants to fight it kicking and screaming and the other part says just jump and get it over with. The sky is now currently a soft dove gray, it reminds me of a comforting blanket sadly that won’t stop the fall…


Rain fall down the coffee shop window

the slow drip race of condensation,

The warmth

the smell a sweet sensation,

Watch the steam rise from my cup

the background chatter sound,

A glancing gaze

at the world around,

People performing

a silent story on a big glass screen,

Maybe these strangers that pass are heros

off to fight demons and slay dragons green,

Sweep my eyes across the coffee shop

and I’m being watched to…

Guess we’re all a silent movie to someone…


Add title…Add title…Add title…

Add a title WordPress says… what is a title? How do I write that I don’t want this any more? How do I write that I’m currently sitting here torn in two, part of me says tonight I need to end my life and the other part is desperately trying to place that wall back in front of my emotions and make me the cold unfeeling person that has been here since not long after my very last post on here. Which half’s gonna win? I don’t care any more… but no. That’s just it, I do care and I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired of trying to be perfect and not be so emotional and be better and just be what is wanted of me, what is expected of me. I’m tired of trying to be normal and of icing over every fucking crack so I appear normal to everyone. I’m tired.

I found the above the other day and I think it’s why I stopped writing. I stopped myself from becoming emotional, I became cold. I locked away every emotion so I wouldn’t feel anything when my mind replays the things that have happened over and over again. So I’d stop reacting when everything is crashing down around me. And so I’d stand silent when behind that facade I was breaking. It made me cold. I’m not proud of that fact. I’d become cold. Is this who I want to be? No. But the alternative? I don’t want to keep breaking again and again and again. Why can’t I be strong for once or better still? Why can’t I be normal? After seeing the above quote, it stuck with me… look at my poems… they’re very… huh, me? And in locking feelings away, maybe I locked away what torments me into writing because for me writing is in my blood, in my soul… its my heart bleeding down my fingers onto the screen or bleeding ink from a pen onto paper, it’s my soul, my very being ripping itself open onto the page, it’s the depths of despair and hatred and love and longing and blissful memories and closeness and sensual and its me… mixed up stormy hurricane me. Shutting down my feelings has taken that away so that even normal writing like what I’m doing now? It wouldn’t come. Hell… I haven’t even cried in ages because I can’t. Because I haven’t let myself. And yet here I am wondering what’s the point in living and feeling the tears sitting in my eyes and hurting… hurting and fucking look… the words are flowing.

This hits home with me. I saw it two days ago. The hardest thing for me is to exist. I don’t want to. But? I’m a parent. I have to. But? I DONT want to. Inside me? I hurt and I can’t tell you exactly where I hurt because it’s a deep fathomless aching hurt and it makes it just that little harder to breathe. I’m trying. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to stand and not step off the ledge. The gray keeps promising me that the silence and the craving for everything to just stop will happen if I just let go and stop fighting. I’m trying. I’m trying…

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