I wrote the below on August the 10th this year. Those little moments of clarity before I fall are probably the scariest of all as I know its going to happen and yet I’m powerless to stop it. I thought I’d share this as despite how dumb and unintelligent I feel I am? I think that it shows that I’m actually not. Im just not for everyone and thats okay. No one is for everyone. I am me. Beautifully broken me. Ask me tomorrow and I’ll tell you I hate myself but right now? Im just here. Anyway… I chatter far far too much for a person that is so damn silent IRL...
There are times when I’m lost, lost in the sea of my thoughts… but no. That’s not quite right because some random song plays in my head on full blast on repeat and so I can’t find the actual thoughts behind it. It’s one big nothingness and I guess that’s kinda frightening and yet maybe it could mean I have an empty head? But truth is? I don’t. At the moment I know I’m standing on the precipice and the endless songs that play in my mind are distracting me from the fall I’m about to take. Everything has taken on a surreal quality and its kind of like looking up into a cloudless sky and for the first time seeing it as not flat blue but seeing the unimaginable depths and noticing that’s its not just blue but a subtle ombre of grays, pinks, purples, blues and whites dependent on where you look. Once again my thoughts are distracted by something else and I edge just a little closer to edge. I don’t know how far the fall will be this time and I’ve no clue as to whether I’ll land softly and be able to keep going or whether I’ll land on broken jagged shards that will tear me apart and I’ll once again have to find the threads of what is defined by society as normal and sane and then carefully sew myself haphazardly back together and pretend everything’s fine when under the surface its not. When I gets these moments of clarity I think that maybe they frighten me more as I know for certain I have crested a wave, I’ve ridden high on delirious happiness and that in itself should be an indicator that my mental state is precariously close to crashing out and my emotional well being is anything but okay. Sadly in these moments I always seem to find myself looking on from inside unable and helpless to do anything to stop the fall I know is about to happen. It’s like a stop function enabling me to get a good look at what’s going on and what is about to happen but, some joker is going to press play, at any moment now and I’m gonna take the fall and have to deal with the consequences. Something else catches my attention and my thoughts dash off giggling like a hyena on a fruitless chase of nothingness which allows me to unconsciously take another step close to the edge. Part of me wants to fight it kicking and screaming and the other part says just jump and get it over with. The sky is now currently a soft dove gray, it reminds me of a comforting blanket sadly that won’t stop the fall…
An empty space.... 