Hi… How’re you? How are you really? Not what you tell everyone else because you think it’s what they want to hear. But how you really feel. You can be honest here. I don’t bite…unless your cheesecake. Are you cheesecake? No? Okay. I won’t bite unless you want me to no! I mean no I won’t bite! So… how are you feeling? How’s your day been? How’s your week been? We’re on day 3 of a new month and we’ve got the whole month ahead of us. I hope its a good month for you. Are you tired? Make sure you get enough sleep. Well… before I start the next paragraph, I wanted to give you a little hug and a smile through the wire.x.

How am I? I want to say I’m good. I’m not. But I want to say I’m good. I’m currently sitting in a place (emotionally/mentally) where I’m just kind of floating and letting what comes come. This with me is never truly a good idea. I’ve looked back over the year so far and honestly? I’m not kicking it enough this year. I’m letting that darkness win. That I think is what people don’t get… my demons? I sit and eat cheesecake with them, we sometimes talk about world destruction. But my darkness? That’s That’s no. I fight it. I run from it. I refuse to admit its there. I ignore it. I get too emotional or my anxiety gets to high or my fears to great? I ask it for a hug. Literally I wrap my arms into the dark and beg it to never let me go because everyone else is gone.

Yeah I know… no one is ever truly alone. But there are many different forms of loneliness. Mine is fear. Go on say it, fear doesn’t make you lonely. But is can do… I fear people so bad that I push everyone away. People hurt you. I don’t want to be hurt. Therefore no one can get close. My kids are an exception to this. But they are mine. I did that. (Yes I know I had help making them but he only helped with the secret ingredient. I did the rest!). I often think pushing everyone away makes me a bad person but I’ve tried to work around it, which is probably worse… my mask tother world.

Anyway… I haven’t cried in 3 days! Go me!!! I haven’t broken down. Oh… and I haven’t thought about ending things. So all that’s good right? Yeah… its good. But… I haven’t actually processed any feelings in that time either. Not processing thoughts,feelings and emotions? That’s bad… but I’ll get there. I will. I don’t know when. But I’ll get there.

So today is Saturday and I forgot why I was writing this… it did have a purpose but I’ve lost it… hmmm…🤔 oh well… it wasn’t important. Wishing you all a happy safe weekend.x.

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