Archive for July, 2021


Darkness come hold me…

Come hold me because I don’t want to be alone…

Some times the most scariest thing for me are the moments of clarity. Those little moments of quiet when I realise just how sad I am. How low I am. And how close I really am to giving up hope.

I’m sitting here in the kitchen, the last vestiges of evening light fading into a gloominess punctuated by the light from the screen. I’m back in my favourite spot leaning with my back against the washing machine sat on the floor, feet against the oven door(I described this kitchen once, put 2 people in it and it’s over crowded). The encroaching darkness acting like a shield to hide my emotions from the world. My heart is heavy. It’s an organ I hear you say… You don’t get it then do you, My emotions have spilled over and are weighing me down to the point I feel like I’m drowning in them. I ask myself just what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I shake this shit? And I’m trying to pull myself together and show I’ve got this but I haven’t.

I had an interesting conversation a few days ago… long story short, I said I hide how I feel. They said “women don’t do that.” But I do… If you saw me in 5minutes time? You’d see me smiling. If you saw me 5 minutes ago? I would have been smiling. What you won’t see? Is how I feel. That’s always hidden behind my smile. It’s my mask for the world. A simple smile. But if you’re clever? You’ll notice my eyes, those don’t lie and always(begrudgingly), give me away. Luckily most people don’t notice and I rarely look people in the eyes. But back to the person that said women don’t do that… I’m thinking they didn’t like it that I hide how I feel. How I really feel from them. It’s not that I’m trying to be horrible. It’s that I don’t want to be judged as failing. I don’t want to be judged and found a failure. Most people think I’ve always got my shot together and truth is I haven’t and I’m usually just winging it on a wish and a prayer and thanking destiny that shot turns out right( or cussing that it’s all going to hell in a pisspot). The point is I won’t ask for help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t want others to know that I’m a sham, a failure.

There is no harsher critic of me than me, and I will rip myself apart if the seeds of doubt grow to high. Sigh… I forgot the original point of this post. There was one but it’s lost in how shite I feel. Sometimes I think I should just give in to the encapsulating darkness when it embraces me telling me to let go. I really think I should shower and go to bed. My thoughts are currently in a very bad, very dark place. And I don’t really want to leave it because as much as I fight the darkness? It’s the one thing that is always there for me. It won’t judge me as a failure and will swirl itself around me as I fall apart again and again and again. It’s the one thing I know without a doubt… This darkness that I consistently fight? It’s the one that’s always here to hold me… It’s the only one who always sees behind my smile.

Sending you all a hug down the wire because I know there’s people going through the same and feeling as alone as I do. As sad as I do. As heavy as I do. And just like I do? I bet they hide behind a smile… Whoever and where ever you are? I hope you find an outlet like I have. Hugs.x.

415…

…I just wanna

overdose

on the intoxicating air

you breathe…

.x.

414…

…Right now I’m dieing inside

just a little…

…Right now I’m crying inside

just a little…

…But its alright, yeah it’s ok.

There’s always tomorrow,

while I fall apart today…

.x.

413

I love you

and will love you…

in this life until

my dieing breath,

beyond this life,

and beyond the next.

I will search for you

in every lifetime

and I will love you,

with all my heart

in each and every one.

For my soul

is bound to you eternally.

You are my forever…

my always…

my One…

.x.

Hope is a “cap de pula”

“Hi! How are you?”

Those words… those words mean I have to bend the truth. I have to find a way to tell you what you what to hear. That I’m ok. That I’m doing good. Because you don’t really want to hear that I’m not. Again. So I show you that I’m good and I spend the day with a stupid smile and a happy positive vibe for you to see. And then later? I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from the pretence. The 1 woman show that I’ve put on for everyone to see. From where I’ve worked so hard to have everyone thinking that I’m ok and that I’ve not failed again. And then despite feeling exhausted? I’m awake at night clawing at my mind like I claw at my skin. And the anxiety builds and the self doubt builds and the darkness wins a little more and I smile for everyone to see and I’m ok. And I fail. All I do is fail.

It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m supposed to have been able to kick it into touch by now. I’m supposed to have snapped out of it and stopped moping and whatever other words I’ve heard people say… the past is in the past, I’m not a child anymore… grow up and get on with it. I’ve heard it all. But some scars run deep. They fracture you and physically break something deep inside. Some broken children heal and others don’t. The ones that don’t turn into broken adults. And it’s not their fault they’re broken. It’s not my fault I’m broken. But to me? To me it’s my fault. I don’t want to be a failure. I don’t want to disappoint. So I’m ok. But I’m not… I’m tired of the games that my mind plays. I want out of it. I want to be rid of the thoughts, the memories, the flashbacks, but most of all? I want to be rid of the nightmares. The things I see when I sleep. Or the terror I feel on the odd occasion I go to the shop and hear someone with that tone of voice. I want to stop being afraid of everything and everyone. Sounds stupid? Yep I know. But it’s the truth. Looking back, I never used to be like this. This bad I mean. It started getting worse about 7 years ago. I don’t know what the catalyst was. But now I question every thing I do, think, and say. I judge myself so harshly that I don’t leave any of myself left for anyone else to judge. It’s said that we are our own worst critic. I rip myself apart before anyone else gets chance to realise just what a failure I am. Because if others found out that I was less? Then they would stay away. People hurt you. No one gets in therefore they can’t hurt me. Only I can hurt me.

Honestly? I’m tired of the whirlwind that is me. That is my mind. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions… I’m tired of me. I’m tired of fake smiling. I want so desperately to give up and yet, there’s this tiny stupidly annoying little thing inside of me… this tiny little spark… its called hope. And as much as I loathe myself? Hope keeps shining. Hope refuses to give up. Hope keeps me going…

…sigh…

Depression/darkness/anxiety/whatever you wish to call it… they are strong and powerful things. But hope? That tiny little sparkling glimmer of hope? It’s the most powerful thing there is.

So… I’m going through bad days(again), My poems on here have stopped(again). But? I’ll be posting soon because? Hope doesn’t let me quit life.

412

411

410

Happened again…

I dream of dragons

and fearless knights,

Witches and Warlocks

fairytale delights,

Fae and Werewolves

inquisitive eyes glow,

They walk so quietly

howl each other down low,

Then head tipped up

with a howl so high,

Watch Demons and nightmares

glide across the sky,

Paws hit the dirt

a galloping roar,

The coming of

a ferocious war,

Teeth snap fur flies

power and rage,

Healers heal witches chant

words from a forgotten age,

Annnndddd… again I’ve lost my thread… if I can come back to this and finish it? I’ll delete and repost but? I wanted to post this to show that this, this above, is what keeps happening. My drafts are full of stuff not finished. Too many untitled and titled posts. All because I lose the threads. I lose the magic that is weaving so eloquently down my veins.

I’ve written quite a few times about wolves. Do I believe in fairytales? Fairytales are stories, all stories come from truths told in different ways. Each truth woven throughout time into the Fairytales we love today. Without seeming even more loony than I already come as? I’ll just say I have reason to be open minded to things. Just because we can’t see something? Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, whether paranormal or supernatural. Ok I sound nuts…

Anyway… another poem for the unfinished list. …sigh… I’ll try again. Always tomorrow right? Maybe I’ll write better then… its disheartening to me just lately… I look at some blogs and they post sometimes 2 or 3 poems a day, like how are you doing that?! I struggle with posting 1 a day! Am I doing it wrong? Is it because I write it straight onto here and not on paper first? (Paper copy comes after I hit post). Hmmm….? I don’t know…

I guess in other really boring news? I went out Monday. I mean actually out walking. I was 5mins from home. I went with the eldest girl who understands my anxieties and is amazing at trying to remove my mind to other things. She holds hands, links arms and when I’m repeating I need to go home like a mantra? She’s telling me I can do it. She was brilliant Monday. It was about 9pm and we left the driveway turning left to the alleyway. That’s when it started, it started getting harder to breathe, I could feel my chest tightening and it hurt, my head started pounding and I was starting to feel dizzy. It was harder to get words out, tears started. And people wonder why I don’t go out? Honestly I love nature. Trees and fields and streams and rivers and walking without ever seeing another soul. Because that’s my fear… people. It’s not the going out, it’s people. I don’t want to be near people. Not anyone. You don’t live in my house? Go away from me. There are a few safe people but even a few of those are now no longer safe. I can’t explain this… this irrational fear of people…

Grrrrrr…

I hope your day is a great one today. I really do. I hope its good to you. Because good days are always the best. Whether its something big rhat makes us smile or something small and seemingly insignificant like a flower or a bee(I love both!). Whatever makes you smile? I hope you see it today because we all need a smile. Sending you all a hug.x.

You….

You took a blade
And carved my skin,
You used your talent
The perfect sin,
You made me fall
So deep in love,
That I would rate you
From above,
You played your game
I’m just a toy,
Here for boredom
For you to enjoy,
Someone online
Just a game,
Here until
Your enjoyment wane,
There was just one thing
You did so wrong,
You opened my heart
You gave it a song….

So now my heart
Is on the floor,
And you don’t give
A fuck anymore,
If I bleed or
If I’ve cried,
Because your toy is gone
Game died,
Tell me are you so empty inside
That you just don’t care,
And all those sweet nothings that you’ve said
Did all my words you share,
Was anything real
At all,
Or was it just a laugh
To let me fall,
Was I a pastime
For when you’re bored,
When you are all
I have adored,
So break my heart
I do love you,
I always will
Those words so true….

The Darkest Fairytale

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