Archive for May, 2021


If I could hug you? I would.

I read your words and wanted to reach out but I can’t. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. Because I’ve always envied you. You’ve always seemed to me to have your shit together. To be strong. I feel like a sinner because I sinned in judging your book by its cover and I should know better than that seeing as I’m usually only hanging on by a couple of threads. I should know better because I’ve perfected my mask for the world so no one sees just how broken I am. So that only a couple of people know I was very close to taking my life earlier this year. I should know better to judge I’m sorry. I’m sorry because its you. And damn reading your words, your posts… it hit me hard. I judged bad. Because I understood every word thats in those posts and I cried for you. Not in a bad way but because I care.

I wanted to ring you, message you or maybe even email you but if I rang? I’d have to talk and I don’t do talking. You might say how’s you? And I’d have to lie and say I’m good and push further into me. Blocking myself off more. You might message something back and then what do I do? Do I reply? If I replied you might ring. If I didn’t reply you might ring. My anxiety building higher as I thought about this a million different ways pushing myself towards a meltdown by over thinking but I can’t help it. I could email you but say what? How do I put it into words that I understand and your not alone and I care and miss you and I’m afraid to and your family and I love you. I can’t. I got stuck in my own anxieties and then got afraid. I failed. So I did what I know… I pulled further inside myself and built another layer around me.

And now I’m here again… Reading again. I want to give you a hug but this stupid touch thing has got so much worse. But at the same time its also weird… there are safe people. I can talk to safe people, maybe hug a couple of them you’re safe because I know your family. Because we spent years growing up together. Because I know you. Because I used to shout at you to get up for school. Because you used to take the piss out of the annoying brat that was me but at the same time? You got it first that I couldn’t cope with the disruption which led to me bawling my eyes out into a tin of dog food. Because you were a know-it-all but I looked up to you and wanted to be as fearless as you were(I’m never going to admit that to you though!). So your a safe person. But I’m still afraid. I’m lucky if I talk to 1 person a month now face to face that doesn’t live in this house. People are scary. Going out of the house is scary. I rarely go out anymore. But you’re safe because its you. Love you masses.x.x.

So here i am… still wondering how or even if I can message you. I guess its more im afraid of you replying. Gosh I’m such an awkward bitch… sigh… I don’t know what to do… in head? We go for a walk where there are no people(because I can’t have another panic attack because I don’t do people). We just walk and random talk but I need to get out my head where I gloss over all the bad. Stupid head… I should go to sleep.

For Jay. Love you and care for you always.x.

Thank you…

Today… This evening… thank you. Thank you for finally making me feel. To you they were just videos of your drive home but not to me. I saw the road signs, the trucks and cars and looked at the licence plates(because as they’re not English they fascinate me). Then the rain came down and I wondered if you remembered how much I absolutely adore rain? How the rain is my favourite weather and always stirs something in me. I flicked back over time over our many many random conversations… the latest again being food. My gosh we talk so much about food… recipes, different styles of cooking, spices, vegetables… sitting here a ghost of a smile pops up at our conversation about steak(which I still say is yucky and I don’t like it). But I’ve moved away from the point.

The whole point is you made me feel. Just for that moment I felt alive. With the hell I’ve been going through, the not feeling. How I’ve accepted this emptiness this devoid of feeling. You made me feel. I felt the rain hitting my skin as you drove your car talking about the rain. I felt those pitter patters rushing down and hitting my skin in sharp icy cold drops. I felt the small sharp sting and how my body shuddered at their touch. I felt the cold rain run in rivulets down me. Soaking my hair and running down my neck my clothes soaked to my skin. The goosebumps rushing along my arms and then across my body at the cold. My teeth chattering as my inner temperature dropped at being pulled so low because of the onslaught of rain beating down like tiny little knives. My hair trying to fight its hardest to curl back into its natural spirals as the rain soaks it pulling it all straight making me look bedraggled. All that from a few videos… You did it. You made me feel….

Its hard to explain it that soft stir inside me as something that slumbers moved just a little, just enough so I know it hasn’t died. Just enough to give me hope. And thats what I need… hope. Such a small word. Only 4 letters long. Such an infinite meaning… hope.

I’m having days and days and days and says of this… this greyness…

..I have wanted to give up more than once. I have been letting my anxieties rule me and have allowed myself to become comfortably numb. This fortified dam I have intricately built around me to cut myself off from everything and everyone. I’ve been so afraid of never feeling again. Of never writing again. I’ve been so afraid that I’ve lost my words forever. Because if I’ve lost them? Then who am I? To write is what I know. To be consistently surrounded by whirlwinds of words, even when I’m in my barren place. Those whirlwinds have always been there mocking and not letting me touch. But since February? They have gone. They left. There have been none. And that has scared me more than not feeling anything. Words, like music, are my blood. But you made me feel. I didn’t say much to the videos but? Here on my blog? Here I’ve written. Here I’m saying thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for random videos driving home and foreign license plates and roads and road signs, for trucks, cars, driving on the wrong side of the road, building and grass that usually gives up but instead is green because of rain, super straight roads and traffic lights above your head, endless presets on the radio and when your singing to the songs, the wipers going from slow to fast to keep up and car tail lights glowing in the pouring rain… Thank you for making me feel.

.x.

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