(This post is going to be a little different than normal. Well maybe it might be. We shall see).

You can take that in more ways than one…

How do you feel? With my fingers usually. But sometimes its far better to feel with the tongue… ICE CREAM!!! You don’t feel ice cream with your fingers do you?! (Perverts).

But for this post I’m on about a different meaning. How do you feel? Honestly? I dont know.

Its still feeling like I’m on autopilot and emotions aren’t hitting hard enough to burst through and make me real again. Last night I sat and cried as I felt so sad. So I know that the feelings are there. They just won’t stay. I need them to stay so that I’m real. Because if I don’t feel like I’m real? Then what am I?

There’s so many thoughts going through my mind and if they’d just slow down from 100mph to maybe 80mph? I maybe just might be able to make sense of just one…

Yeah my brains the traffic and I’m the damn squirrel… why don’t these cars ever run out of fuel? Oh! They are pixie powered?! Fudging pixies… 🤬😡😠

Hows your week been? Yes, I am asking you. And yes… im asking you to. I see you sat in that chair quietly thinking “Who me?” Yes… YOU. Dont try and hide behind your cup. I can still see you. Shy huh? Don’t spill your drink! Ok ok… I’ll let you drink in peace. Wait a sec… is it a nice drink? Whats in your cup? I’m curious now…

Sigh… the week has gone ok in our house. I’ve busted the 11yr old 7 times for YouTube when she was supposed to be on Google classrooms(i swear as soon as my back is turned!!). But I listened to her French lesson. Really good! Oooooo… we had snow ❄ I love snow ❄ like I really really really love that white cold stuff! Me and the 11yr old had a snowball fight(we needed it). It made her late for her French lesson, so she’s about 11 minutes late and I say to her… just be honest. Say sorry and tell him why you are late and that im here if needs be. This French teacher is fab(knows all of my Kiddos), he says “ok ….. catch up please.” So she did. At the end of the lesson he let’s them go 5 minutes early and says go do something that makes you smile. Like have snowball fight! The best bit about that is that the pupils in that lesson had about 20-25 minutes before the next lesson and yes, we went back outside. But listening? We could hear some other kiddos out playing in the snow to. Its good to get outside.

The 15 year old has been doing really well plowing through her work. I mean I cant fault this girl. She’s really putting in the effort. Yep she’s still worrying about the GCSE’s. Every bit of work is proof she deserves her grade. I’m proud of her. She even asks me to reread and discuss word changes just like the 11 year old does. The 15 year old has finalised her college application and after our talk in getting it complete she’s not only sent it off but had her first email from them so she’s happy. She wants to work with children. This girl has the mum gene(If you know? You know). I always laugh and say that if I died? They wouldn’t go to my eldest girl. They’d go to the 15 year old. She’s got this amazing way with kiddos and has all the qualities you’d want from someone to look after them/work with them.

The 17 year old who is 6th form is also doing well. But he’s yet to decide what he wants to do next… he has a love of history and science and food. Erm… but not the science behind the history of food (well he might be into that!), each subject separately. Waiting to see how he feels and what his thoughts are as to what he does next. Interesting food lessons on Google classrooms this week and I’ve been made to laugh.

What I really noticed, especially with lockdown this time is just how much effort these teachers put in. I mean yes, I know they put in a sheer amount of effort into every single class. I know that teaching comes with so much hidden stuff that happens before they even get to the teaching part. I know teachers. I know just how hard it is and that no one goes into teaching for the money. But listening to these teachers keeping our kiddos engaged in working through lessons online and commenting something individual to each of our children making them know that they are being listened to. You rock teachers 👏👏

Currently I’m sat in my favourite place… yep you guessed correctly… kitchen floor. I’ve got the music playing(of course). Current song is Nickelback “Gotta be somebody.” A random list is playing out of 500 songs so I get a surprise every time.

I don’t know if writing all of this has done me any good? Or even why exactly I’ve written it all. I guess you can see that I’m normal I guess… wait… I’m normal?! EWWWWWW!! I dont want to be normal 😱

So I’ve just come back inside from telling my fluff ball to get in the house and hes just sulked past me and walked upstairs. I swear this cat is a sulky teenager sometimes and grumpy old man other times. He’ll be 5 years old this year but officially he’s not 2 years old for another 3 years. (I can see you sitting there trying to work that out you know🤭). Fluffy suits our family and I even admit that he is very much like his owner… completely anti social to everyone and every thing outside his family…

⬆️⬆️ every time I read that? I agree with Dracula. He kinda had it right. However my castle would have glitter inside and black because I like black but also pinks and blues and purples, oranges, lellows… and rainbows and unicorns and dinosaurs and kittens and stuffies!! Yeah… I’m kinda girly and I freak out at spiders… erm… just like that⬇️⬇️

ONLY DON’T KILL IT!!!! PUT HIM OUTSIDE. ITS COLD? PUT HIM IN THE SHED. EEKKKKKKKKK!!!! GET HIM AWAY FROM MEEEEE!!!! *As I scream like a girl and run and lock myself in the bathroom because the maybe the shower curtain and door will save me. Yeah… I know… and I’m supposed to be the adult…*

I know I haven’t really picked a subject to talk about this time for my post. I guess I’m just being real(like always), and just wanted to see where this post would take me. Because sometimes things come out when I write that I dont see until after I’ve published. In just letting my fingers play across the screen tapping away? I’m showing that despite the fact I’m clearly broken, I’m also human and I’m also trying and most importantly I’m real. In my day to day? I hide behind everything. I dont let people see when I’m falling apart. No one would guess that this afternoon I was in floods of tears(yeah bathroom floor). The world around me sees a smile. People that know me, know me as someone who is always ok. Someone who always has her shit together. But everyone on here? You all know that I cry nearly every day. You know that there are times I dont want to breathe any more. You see me. You see the real me. Eccedentesiast. That’s me. I’ve said it for years. I’ve perfected my mask for the world to see… that smile. Ive brought new tea. Remember my post about being caffeine free and my now love of Chamomile tea? Well I brought

And yeah… I drank it last night and got about 4 hours sleep!! (4 hours is an amazing amount of sleep!). So will be drinking more. I need honey in this though…

Anyway… I’ve written loads. Chamomile tea is calling me. Too early for that sleepwell stuff.

Hugs to you all at the other end of the wire…x.

Edit… I have a song to go with this post…

Perfect!

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