(In which I admit to having squirrel brain).

   I’ve been quiet on here with my postsfor a bit as I’ve needed it. I took a major step forward in my self learning(and a major tantrum and ginding to a halt at the realisation that to carry on healing?  I am going to need professional help to keep going). Worse is that I’m seeing certain traits I’ve unknowingly passed on to my children. The touch thing(seriously don’t touch me and stay out my bubble). My kiddos aren’t massive huggers. We are a loving and close family but we’ve all got this touch thing, it has to be on our terms. Having said that? My 17yr old who is 6ft 3 has on more than one occasion given me a piggy back ride while chasing the youngest around the house with a tinfoil tube and me yelling charge!! We are a fun house with lots of laughing and jokes and winding eachother up. They are happy. We have a very relaxed house, there are enough pressure’s on young people to conform to societies norms and values and rules and grow up, its their safe space. But I feel bad that my screwed up thinking and actions may have rubbed off. They don’t do all the sociable stuff either. Yes they have friends, good ones. They just prefer their own company. I’d again say this is my fault. I dont like people and will do anything not to have to be near them. Shopping is a nightmare and like a child, I have distraction techniques. Any way… I went right off topic didnt I… oh look… squirrel! Wait what? No the answer was blue but thank you I’m not hungry. Confused? Yeah me too… my thoughts move to fast and I zone out and forget or miss half of the conversation.
  To learn about me now? The reasoning behind why I feel certain ways, avoid things, my nightmares, emotional meltdowns, etc… I’ve had to go back. Back to childhood. I’ve learnt that the link between the 2 is very very real and every time I’ve said it doesn’t affect me? Its a lie. It does I just don’t see it or I dont accept it. But I’ve adapted. Made rivers and roads around my barriers and lived. I need to remind myself of this. On the last 2 days? I’ve made very big steps forward, they May be tiny steps in the massive book of me but they are still steps. Ones even I can notice. This is big for me.

   I’ve written a lot lately. I’d like to say I’ll post them all but squirrel brain is here to stay a while and none of them get finished. This bad when I’m specifically writing one to a picture I’ve been given permission to use. I say writing one but I’ve written a
bout 20 starts to it all different… ugh… LOOK!!! SQUIRREL! (Or in this case? My kitkat).

(My Bear. He looks tiny in this picture!)

Ok bear gone…

    So where was I?  Writing… I will. Most definitely. I mean this is writing right? If my mind would stop travelling at 190mph and just sllooowwww dowwnnn a bit, I might actually be able to make some sense of the sentences forming and rhymes singing sultry songs of verbs,adjectives and maybe some metaphors. Slow down mind before you get a speeding ticket!!
    My other thoughts lately are people. People are scary. Now before you say I sound like a 3yr old, think about it… people have hidden agenda’s and their own wants and they can be fake,oh so very fake. People lie. And most of all people hurt you. With this in mind? I’m pulling myself inwards more. I’ve so many questions right now and I cant answer them… Growl…
    I’ve lost my thoughts again as they branched off into different things… like for fudgecakes sake!! I give up today… oh yeah… there’s a bucket still in the front garden I’ve meant to remove several times now today. I’d better go do it before I forget again! Oh look! Squirrel!