I’m gonna make this a short post… loads of people be out there getting drunk at home and heres me wondering whether I should shower or make Chamomile tea? but seriously… I got thinking about how far I’ve come this year, I’ve done good. Okay this people thing is getting worse but I’m a work in progress! To be honest it has been a hard year for everyone. A few people I know have died this year, 2 covid related, 4 cancer and 5 from longterm medical illness 1 of which died in the operating theatre. But my year has had good stuff to… a lady I know who got told she’d never get pregnant naturally? Has her due date as February the 1st. My eldest girl passed her level 3 animal management course. My 6th former got an A* for Science, he does his other exams this year and then who knows… my baby started the secondary Academy. My dyslexic 15year old had her project praised by the harshest teacher in school(this is huge as the teacher has always looked down her and her spelling). My eldest passed his forklift truck licence(off the top of my head i can’t remember what that kind of forklift is called). There are so so many great things that have happened this year that im truly thankful for, too much to write… but another? I made a new friend we’ll call her A and she’s from WordPress and I am so so glad to have become friends with her. Big hugs A💛(and she’s super awesomely amazing!!) So anyway…Heres to the new year and all it has to bring. Heres to reading so many more amazing posts that you all write. Where ever you are for the start of 2021? May you have a Happy New Year and may it be filled with good health, smiles, happiness and love. 5 minutes to go 😉
Hugs you all.x.
Archive for December, 2020
I fight with you, I listen to you, I give up and give in to you, you smother me to keep me safe so you say…
I got asked twice on here why it showed I posted a post titled Female muse? No. He’s male and yet it cant be read… its because I made it private. Doubt has eaten such a hole in my thoughts that people/others/whoever would judge me for him. For being open enough to even include a little of our carefully screenshotted chat. For being honest enough to acknowledge that he has been my muse for over 20 years. For opening my mind into the thoughts and definitions of what a muse is and how,though we have never been lovers only friends, he has artistically been my obsession. Doubt won. The only person that knows he is my inspiration is him. No one else. But I started wondering, started thinking… we spoke the day before yesterday. A lengthy conversation. Both through messages and then a voice call, I don’t do voice calls(snapchat, WhatsApp or text me. Dont call me), but I did the brave thing. I did a voice call. I can be brave. I admit I was so nervous and my hands were shaking but? After a few minutes(and the Chamomile tea!), I was good. He has anxiety just like me, has issues not the same but like me, can’t deal with the world just like me. But our difference is that he not only holds an amazing steady job but its in how he has worked his life and kind of compartmentalised and locked off parts.
Anyway… I wrote the post. I thought it would do me good. I thought it would show that look… I’m just like any other weirdly obsessed word junkie… its real this muse thing, his normal conversations, just particular words or the way he laughs… it inspires me. But then? I’m too weird… its wrong isn’t it? Ah… I dont know… some of our conversation is eating at me even now… its messing with my mind to the point the last message between us was? “ok” not capitalised nor a full stop. I now doubt our every word from my endless overthinking and dont want to talk to him or anyone for that matter. Anyone up for a fort building session with pillows and blankets? Ugh… maybe not… so the post has gone. I mean its still there but its private and it glares at me!
Here’s a song for you all…
Jess Glynn “Insecurities.”
My mind is so alive with words right now and I really should write them down. Instead I’m letting my fears, insecurities and doubts eat them one by one. I’m questioning every thought I think. Second guessing myself. I want to give up on words but they just like music, are my blood.
I’ll put the kettle on and make Chamomile tea… I so miss coffee 😭 this caffeine free thing is going to kill me in the end I swear… 😒
Anyway… Take care all of you at the other end of the wire…x.
It goes without saying that the world is in really bad way right now. As I write this, nations all around the globe are struggling to contain a global pandemic that has already claimed over 100,000 lives, infected more than 1.6 million people, and left millions more financially devastated. In addition to this, entire countries […]
Alpha
Reblogged this from http://therenegadepress.com as it hit my attention with the word Alpha. As I was reading I first started saying… “what?! No! Thats not a real Alpha!” While shaking my head at the stereotypical definition of Alpha that society thinks is correct. But as I got further down in my reading I saw that yes… the real definition of an Alpha is there(earning huge smiles from me!). Do I think the man that wrote it is an Alpha male? In a way? Yes I do! Its a great piece of writing and well worth a read. Also hes well worth a follow 😉
Running kisses
down my hips,
The fire engulfs me
from your lips,
Singing melodies against
my skin,
As your fingers leave trails across me
veins on fire within,
Soft and slow
teasing,
Soft bite gasping pleasure
begging pleasing,
Ice cube dances
dangerously slow,
As my skin in flames
you drag it low,
Molton lava
at my core,
Ice cube melted
is no more,
Look at you eyes filled
with feverish desire,
Heightened sensitivity
passionate fire,
Spring winds up
detonations clicking into place,
Coil winds tightly
slowly no race,
Soft mewling turns to
breathless moans of pleasure,
Taking your sweet time
exquisite torture at your leisure,
The peak hits and cascades
release a flood as body quiver,
Make it multiple don’t stop release harder
creamy river,
Hum of amused pleasure
reverberates across skin from my core,
Rolling a shuddering wave of
release once more,
Mouth softly sucks and bites
going up to hips,
Sweet seductress fire trails
across belly from lips,
Stiff peaks worshipped
by storytelling tongue,
As I detonate again
fall vastly undone,
Teeth grazes neck
shiver down my spine,
Words whispered softly
you were made to be mine…x.
~… You …~
( In that moment….)
The smell the smell
the smell of your skin,
As I look over your shoulder
distracts me just enough sets me off balance within,
The feel of your shirt
your waist your back,
My mind starts wondering
off course off track,
Feel the heat coming off you
emotions hitch,
And I feel so dazed yet turned on
like you flicked a switch,
So close in this moment
feel through your shirt the curve of your skin,
The smell the feel the thin fabric
your skin the heat from within,
Your oh so sexy voice and the balance tips
and I am lost on every sound,
Until there’s nothing no thought but you
til I hit the ground….
.x.
For you….
you make my veins flame,
my skin burn….
Sitting on these
back garden steps,
The rain drops speckled
with iridescent flecks,
In the quiet look up
at the moon so high,
Slowly moving
across the sky,
A nearby rustle
shift your eyes,
Away from the endless
star spangled skies,
A hedgehog appears
not one but two,
You hold your breath
enjoy the view,
Moths dance in moonlight
unseen during the day,
And bats wiz on by
over rooftops far away
The distant sound
of a car going by,
It screams as it turns
a driveshafts cry,
Get up 5 minutes over
leave the stunning nightly glow,
Time revolves there’s stuff to do
come on you’ve got to go…x.
My sweetness I cannot
sleep,
Thoughts of you
my mind does keep,
And I fight these feelings
yes I do,
Afraid to give in
incase they overwhelm me so true,
Tell me my sweetness
just what do I say,
Do I give in
when my heart you could slay,
There is a battle inside
to ensure hurt does not gain,
Because then my sweet you would have my heart
but I pain,
But every thought my sweetness
every thought I find,
Is kissed and caressed by you
before it leaves my mind,
Your words they weave a web
running through my veins tracing each and every line,
Until you are all I think about
and I think about you all the time…x.
Its raining and I feel that itch
like a thousand times before,
Its raining and my body’s screaming
begging get out the door,
That ice cold sting
that makes my body gasp,
Arm hair stand up
heat lost from its grasp,
But that burn oh that burn
that feeling I’m alive,
Drenched from head to toe
Refreshing make me thrive,
The rain pounding the concrete
music for my heart,
An elemental magic
pick that rhythm from the start,
Transcend my soul
bare feet splash,
Twirl clothes soaked
lightening thunder crash,
Deep breath release enlighten
tighten coil spin faster smile,
Give into the rhythm of nature
let the world stop awhile…x.
If I sang you a song would you listen
would you read between the lines,
If I wrote you a story page after page
would you see the signs,
Now I cant
sing a love song,
Write a poem
think a thought,
But this feeling that you give me
its one that can’t be brought,
But I’m here right now
on my knees on the floor,
Not hiding just giving
this is me raw,
And I am lost so lost
to the sound of your voice,
It echo’s swirls around me
pulls me to you no choice,
Intricately intertwining
your words they do reach,
And I’m lost on the lullaby
your words they do teach,
And love my love
it blooms and it grows,
You being you
So softly words sows,
Your smile your everything encircle
softly surround,
Become my safety my home
as to you I become bound,
Open me
to stories anew,
And when they say where is home?
I’ll say it is you…x.
(In which I admit to having squirrel brain).
I’ve been quiet on here with my postsfor a bit as I’ve needed it. I took a major step forward in my self learning(and a major tantrum and ginding to a halt at the realisation that to carry on healing? I am going to need professional help to keep going). Worse is that I’m seeing certain traits I’ve unknowingly passed on to my children. The touch thing(seriously don’t touch me and stay out my bubble). My kiddos aren’t massive huggers. We are a loving and close family but we’ve all got this touch thing, it has to be on our terms. Having said that? My 17yr old who is 6ft 3 has on more than one occasion given me a piggy back ride while chasing the youngest around the house with a tinfoil tube and me yelling charge!! We are a fun house with lots of laughing and jokes and winding eachother up. They are happy. We have a very relaxed house, there are enough pressure’s on young people to conform to societies norms and values and rules and grow up, its their safe space. But I feel bad that my screwed up thinking and actions may have rubbed off. They don’t do all the sociable stuff either. Yes they have friends, good ones. They just prefer their own company. I’d again say this is my fault. I dont like people and will do anything not to have to be near them. Shopping is a nightmare and like a child, I have distraction techniques. Any way… I went right off topic didnt I… oh look… squirrel! Wait what? No the answer was blue but thank you I’m not hungry. Confused? Yeah me too… my thoughts move to fast and I zone out and forget or miss half of the conversation.
To learn about me now? The reasoning behind why I feel certain ways, avoid things, my nightmares, emotional meltdowns, etc… I’ve had to go back. Back to childhood. I’ve learnt that the link between the 2 is very very real and every time I’ve said it doesn’t affect me? Its a lie. It does I just don’t see it or I dont accept it. But I’ve adapted. Made rivers and roads around my barriers and lived. I need to remind myself of this. On the last 2 days? I’ve made very big steps forward, they May be tiny steps in the massive book of me but they are still steps. Ones even I can notice. This is big for me.
bout 20 starts to it all different… ugh… LOOK!!! SQUIRREL! (Or in this case? My kitkat).
(My Bear. He looks tiny in this picture!)
Ok bear gone…
So where was I? Writing… I will. Most definitely. I mean this is writing right? If my mind would stop travelling at 190mph and just sllooowwww dowwnnn a bit, I might actually be able to make some sense of the sentences forming and rhymes singing sultry songs of verbs,adjectives and maybe some metaphors. Slow down mind before you get a speeding ticket!!
My other thoughts lately are people. People are scary. Now before you say I sound like a 3yr old, think about it… people have hidden agenda’s and their own wants and they can be fake,oh so very fake. People lie. And most of all people hurt you. With this in mind? I’m pulling myself inwards more. I’ve so many questions right now and I cant answer them… Growl…
I’ve lost my thoughts again as they branched off into different things… like for fudgecakes sake!! I give up today… oh yeah… there’s a bucket still in the front garden I’ve meant to remove several times now today. I’d better go do it before I forget again! Oh look! Squirrel!
An empty space.... 