Going back in time on here, I used to let the music play and just write. I dont do that anymore. Sadly most of the poems and stories I write sit either in my drafts folder or in the endless books I’ve here at home.

Song… Stormzy “Own it”

I remember talking with someone who told me that words mean nothing and are completely powerless and that actions are the only things that hold real meaning. I remember thinking but your so wrong(although I said nothing), words have the power to hurt and to heal. They can build you up or crash you so far down you begin to wonder whether life is even worth it. Words can tell wondrous tales or make your skin crawl with fear…

Song… Chiild “Count me out”

I’ve spent so much time thinking over the last couple of weeks. If I’m honest? Its thinking I really need to do. Its walking down those corridors I have totally sealed off, its opening doors in my mind ive been so afraid to open. Anyone who’s been reading my blog for a long time will have read at the hints to my less than amazing past and how it haunts me still. I’ve spent the last week sleepwalking all over the house and thats when I do sleep. Twice I’ve actually had to be woken up because I’ve been screaming and crying. Its funny how our minds lock everything away from us during the day only for our subconscious to taunt us as we sleep…

Song…Krysh Mecca “Wrongworld”

But I need to face these memories and slowly, really really slowly, I have over the last 5 years. I’ve become more me. Stopped trying to be everything that everybody else wants of me. This last 18months? I’ve worked harder at learning to like me or just accept me than I’ve done my entire life. I’ve just hit that stage finally where I guess its ok to be me… I came to be ok with life being hard and no one having all the answers or even any at all sometimes. And for me? The very biggest thing I’ve learned in the past 18 months? I learnt to trust someone. Sounds small but I dont trust.

Song… J S Bach “Prelude in C Major” has just ended and Blake Shelton “Mine would be you” has just started.

Hands to hold

Arms wrap around,

The night and its secrets

the only sound,

Echoing tales

Spun down through the trees,

Caressing warm skin

The softest of breeze,

Bunnies and crickets

Frogs splash and hop,

Silent swoosh of shadow

Owl perch on the tree top,

Annddd I’ve lost the feeling for this as my mind has spun off again, breaking away from the path it was on…

Song… Darius Rucker “If I told you”

You

You hold dreams in your eyes,

The exotic fairytale realms

The sea the stars the skies,

Your smile

Watching as your thoughts spin away,

And I know that I’d give

Forever and a day,

A star studded universe

The mountains and the sea,

For just a split second

You would look like that at me…

Hmmmm… writing to music has its ups and downs as as the song changes? I lose the feeling(unless I hit repeat!).

Song… Goo Goo Dolls “Use me”

Not writing to this song as I’m singing it as I stand here waiting for the last load of laundry to finish washing.

Song… Goo Goo Dolls “Let love in”

Hey girl I see you

Standing there,

Smiling like you

Don’t have a care,

But see those scars

You try to hide,

So scared to show

Your softer side,

Your fear of rejection

You don’t want to be hurt,

You class yourself lower

You’ve been treated like dirt,

And I see you’re so scared

Hide behind your smile,

Take a deep breath

Hold it for a while,

Its ok to be petrified

Have faith take a leap…

And there it is finally I guess… the whole reason I used to do this… because what was on my mind would finally come out… sigh… its been a long day…

Song… Kevin Garrett “How dare we fall”

Song… Thomas Rhett “Craving you”

My aim for tomorrow? Make a memory. For now though its to try my hardest to actually sleep…x.