Displeasing you ….?
I feel I have mastered the art of it?
See I just don’t know….
I’ve spent the day doing what I have to, throwing myself into everything, trying to push you from my mind. But it’s not working. You’re not leaving. So many thoughts of you, clicking, spinning through. I feel lost…. like what should I do? What should I say? Act normal and pretend everything is perfect? (It’s far from it). But also you have my promise and my word…. I don’t go back on them. Ever. So I can’t bring these things up. I can’t say a damn word. Unless it’s life threatening? I honour my promises and my word.
I just really want to ask you how you feel? In fact I’m desperate to ask you. But I can’t. Pride stopping me? Nope. Not at all. More…. the sub in me says you must not question. The little? I crave you. I need your affection and where are you? Physically? I know where you are. Mentally? Emotionally? Where your thoughts are? Where your heart is? I don’t know…. I wish I did? But I don’t…. do I wish I could read minds? Yours? Yes. Just for a moment, what I would give to see inside, to know. To really know. What do you think? What do you feel? When you think of me….
I know how I feel. No shit…. no games…. not for amusement…. not an object…. not role play….
Real. That’s my word. Real. It’s the only word I need…. Real. You are so much more…. My feelings? Real.
Today? Today so far for me has been super hard…. thoughts of you are invading everything I do. Everything I think. Everything I am. And what can I do? Wait. I guess that is all I can do….
Just wait….
Wait and see what you do? What your move is? What you’re going to say? Are you going to speak? As time ticks on? I’m slowly dieing…. yup it’s affecting me. Yes it’s affecting me. And? As time carries on ticking? It’s going to carry on affecting me….
Where do I stand?
How do you feel?
Questions I can’t ask….
Troubled by my thoughts? I am just a little.
Mostly? I just do you wrong and am not good enough…. I feel as though I can never please you enough. I desire to ask what I may do to please you? But fear of upsetting you and annoying you? It’s stops and keeps me quiet….
Ugh….
An empty space.... 