….Again last night I dreamt of snow, this time it was so deep, as deep as the ocean,  and I…. I was drowning, and I did not care, I welcomed it…. I craved it,  just like the trees, plants, and flowers crave the sun….
When ever I dream about snow, I know it’s about you. I’ve accepted that. I don’t like it, but hey,  I can’t help what I dream….
I’ve written about you. So many blasted times have I written about you…. Some I’ve posted. Some, like the day before yesterday, I’ve posted and then, said no and put in drafts instead. Others I just leave written, nothing but mere thoughts on paper. Others still I don’t even write….
I awoke from last night’s dream, sitting up and gasping for air…. then slowly in my still sleepy state I suddenly realised it was a dream and that it was about you.  My shock turned to upset and I laid curled on my left side and cried softly until sleep once took me again.
Now I’ve thought about this. I’ve thought about it all day. I get why those tears wouldn’t stop. It’s because you did get through my walls. But not just that. It’s the hope you have given to. The hope that yes, it’s possible to get behind them and touch my heart.
….That, is the scariest thing of all….
And that I guess is why I get so mad at my dreams of snow, my dreams of you. You can get so close and yes, if I’m not extra careful, then I’ll relax just a little to much.
All our talks, all those days all those nights. All those times I said slow and that you had my loyalty in friendship…. I never even noticed…. So close….to close. To late….
I don’t want this, I can’t have this, but I know you would only have to speak, and I would fall….
This is wrong and I can’t….I won’t, forgive myself for allowing you inside my walls….as this means….you have….
  ….The power to hurt me….

.x.

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