Archive for May, 2015

  Yup that’s how I feel…. I have failed….
So I guess I should lay it out from the beginning….
  My landlord wanted their house back, they gave us an eviction notice, it wasn’t/isn’t  anything I’ve done. She wants it back for personal reasons and I know the reason why. The first eviction notice was invalid so she had to give me a new one.
  I’ve done every thing I can’t think of to find a place to live but as I’m also a carer, I’m on benefits.
   Being on benefits is hard, nope I don’t want to be on them, I’d much rather be working but I can also see it from an employers point of view…. your not gonna higher someone who needs loads of time off. Being on benefits I can’t go to a letting agency as they want a guarantor,  don’t have one of those. That leaves me private and council. I’ve been to the council and they say yeah, you’d qualify for a 3 bed house but, we don’t have any at the moment. There are no private houses for rent within the area I’m looking that will take people on benefits or pets (honestly all those lazy cats do is sleep!). I’ve thought about it and went for a 15 mile radius of my children’s schools, that’s a big area. But zilch….
On the 29th of May, we have to leave that’s the big “E” date. Still I’ve found nowhere. On the 29th I’ve got to go to the council and present myself and children as homeless. They’ve said there’s a very good chance we’ll be put up in a hotel for at least a week.
My eldest son starts his GCSE’s tomorrow. One of the biggest stresses of his life so far, and now add to this stress the uncertainty of  “where are we gonna live”.
One of the things I remember most is that my mum constantly let me down. I always vowed I wouldn’t do that to my kids…. let them down…. and here I am proving I am just like her…. I’ve failed at providing my children with a very basic need….the security….the stability of a home.
  I sat in a meeting last week to discuss all this and the housing officer reminds me that it’s not my fault, I’m handling this well, doing all I can, holding it together good,  blah, blah, blah…. All I can think is that No. I’m not doing good, I’m failing my kids. No uncertainty there, that’s clear cut. They are going to be classed as homeless…. I as a parent have failed them….
I’ve spent the weekend moving furniture into storage, I’ve done over half the house. Big furniture wise I’ve got 3 double wardrobes, a large high sided oak sideboard, the bigger half of a very large wall unit, a table, drinks cabinet and huge oven. Plus mattresses. Everything else will be small.  This afternoon I cut my hand on dirty glass, it’s deep and my kids dad said I should go to the hospital for stitches but to be honest after you’ve sat waiting for and hour or more in a waiting room…. that’s not for me. So I tipped a bottle of tcp all over it after cleaning as much as I could. Now its all taped up. And the house doesn’t look like my hand was slaughtered (seriously? How much blood!)  That’ll teach me to be more careful.
  I feel Shit and mixed up and emotional and more than anything like I’ve failed…. There is nothing anyone can say that will change my mind on that. Part of me wants someone I can just let it all out to but the other part says, hey Nem you have to do this on your own. I don’t know which part to believe any more…. It means I’m pushing more people away and coming off as rude and cold, even though I want them in my life and it just makes me feel more emotional….
  All I can think is even though I’ve failed them…. I’ll get through this and as a family it is so good that their all close to each other. I have failed them, of that no one will ever change my mind….We’ll get through this…. Hopefully….














I think the above is just beautiful….x.

The light it shines upon steps of stone,
catching flecks of dust in the air,
Making them dance in a luminescent gold
giving them life and flair,
Faint breeze drifts along
the corridor,
Giving life to the ghosts
that roamed before,
Up the spiralled staircase
So very high
above the ground,
A door that’s filled
with such apprehension,
Into a room filled with horrors
and tension,
Iron rungs secure chains
high and low on the walls,
Can but imagine the sorrow
from all the tear falls,
Both tortured and tragic
this room took her life,
Chained up beaten and worse
The poor condemned wife….


For anyone who’s never been to my friend Mr R’s page…. I so love his words and they always inspire me. Hope you like them to 🙂


And yet there is hope

As I shed a tear or two

For lost memories and

Things forgotten too

Dreams unfinished for

Shortness of the night

Songs unsung for fear

Of being right from wrongs

And yet there is hope

Within those eyes looking

Back at me calm with no

Surprise of a reflection I

Barely recognise as once

Being me

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Just my thoughts….

….Again last night I dreamt of snow, this time it was so deep, as deep as the ocean,  and I…. I was drowning, and I did not care, I welcomed it…. I craved it,  just like the trees, plants, and flowers crave the sun….
When ever I dream about snow, I know it’s about you. I’ve accepted that. I don’t like it, but hey,  I can’t help what I dream….
I’ve written about you. So many blasted times have I written about you…. Some I’ve posted. Some, like the day before yesterday, I’ve posted and then, said no and put in drafts instead. Others I just leave written, nothing but mere thoughts on paper. Others still I don’t even write….
I awoke from last night’s dream, sitting up and gasping for air…. then slowly in my still sleepy state I suddenly realised it was a dream and that it was about you.  My shock turned to upset and I laid curled on my left side and cried softly until sleep once took me again.
Now I’ve thought about this. I’ve thought about it all day. I get why those tears wouldn’t stop. It’s because you did get through my walls. But not just that. It’s the hope you have given to. The hope that yes, it’s possible to get behind them and touch my heart.
….That, is the scariest thing of all….
And that I guess is why I get so mad at my dreams of snow, my dreams of you. You can get so close and yes, if I’m not extra careful, then I’ll relax just a little to much.
All our talks, all those days all those nights. All those times I said slow and that you had my loyalty in friendship…. I never even noticed…. So close….to close. To late….
I don’t want this, I can’t have this, but I know you would only have to speak, and I would fall….
This is wrong and I can’t….I won’t, forgive myself for allowing you inside my walls….as this means….you have….
  ….The power to hurt me….