I was supposed to add a poem today…. It’s all written in my book ready to write on here. And it’s not about depression (makes a change). But I can’t bring myself to go get it and write it on here….
I’m not unhappy, I feel ok, not smiley just, okay…. today I crave nicotine. Yup I want a cigarette…. A fag, a smoke, whatever name you want. I haven’t smoked in ages but whenever my stress levels get to high I crave.
  I’m having a quiet day just getting things done. Listening to the music play, Today it’s Darren Styles “Feel the pressure” album. The dance music is doing me good, helping me concentrate. I fixed the washing machine after pulling it apart. But noticed the drum bearing is wearing away. I think it’s a welded drum to so that’s a hard one…. but it works for now and no it don’t sound like there’s bricks in there…. yet.
Spoke to my landlord via messenger.  Trying to get everything  sorted for moving (still looking for a house to rent near lincoln). But I’ll get there.
  Despite the fact that I’m outwardly very quiet, Inside my head there’s so much noise. That much I just wanna hide from it. To many thoughts all climbing over one another…. To many emotions crashing into each other.
Last night the only man I know that can mess totally 100% with every thought, every emotion I have, text me. I’m not gonna answer but he knows  I’ll have read it and reacted. A simple text, and i slide off the path and only get an hours sleep all night. I’m tired. So incredibly tired. Tired of it all. Of everything that is happening and that keeps happening these last few months. Mentally, emotionally and physically tired.   But I’m not changing. I’m sticking to what I know is not only right but best, for both me and my children.
When your at the bottom the only place left to go is up….
It’s sunny today but cold in the shade. Currently I’m sat on the back step, behind me is where I like to sit on the kitchen floor in the early hours(don’t ask why, I don’t know). In front of me the view is pretty good I think….

image

You can see the left overs of the fire we had and yeah the garden needs a tidy. But over all? Pretty good.

This is my view from my fav spot on the kitchen floor…

image

Apart from the fact that I really need to clean the patio and yeah I must sort that sand pit before we move plus take down Hols Wendy house. I guess it ain’t a bad view of Lincoln Cathedral.

My aim today was to be like the sun…. Always shining so bright even when clouds get in the way…. And I’m not exactly shining but I am kinda happy I guess. So maybe a glow but you just can’t see it from behind the clouds? I don’t know….
I wonder if I’m pushing myself to hard, expecting to much from myself ?  Am I setting my goals to high? I’m still highly uncomfortable with photos that have me in them but I’ve been in a fair few in the last few months. Go back a year and I would have fled when you pulled the camera out. Lots of things that I refused to face I’ve tackled head on (emotional stuff) I’m still talking to a psychiatrist but at a pace I’m setting not the one he wants to set. Currently every other week for an hour. Will I keep it up? Yeah I guess. I ditched group. That was for the best. I haven’t been in a while now….
  It’s 1:50 pm and i think it’s time for breakfast. I’ve been walking about since 4:40 am. There’s an orange with my name on it in need of killing….
Will I post the poem later?
I should. It’s time for a change…. isn’t it?
If I lock how I feel up, in every other part of my life then I guess all that leaves is writing. Maybe I should write more? Naaa…. time to swap the washing on the line, dry for wet….
Cya.

.x.

Advertisements