An empty space….

Do you ever have them days where you feel empty? Because today I feel so numb. But is numb the word? Or even empty? Or lost? I just don’t know…. I feel nothing. Nothing at all…. I should take this as a warning sign that all the emotional crap that I’ve been bottling up instead of dealing with doesn’t want to stay bottled. But at the moment I don’t care. If I care, then I’m gonna care about stupid things.

Like an idiot I rule with my heart not my head.

Doesn’t matter how much I get hurt, some things just don’t change….

So my mood….
It doesn’t mean that I am totally unhappy. I’m not unhappy. At least at this present moment while writing this I’m definitely not miserable. 
But I do know I’m being off with people. A lot of people. It’s not I want to be horrid in the way I speak to them, it’s that…. I don’t know…. afraid I might let my feelings slip? Make a bigger fool of myself?  Aren’t I a big enough fool already?  Stupid heart you make me feel to much *sigh…*  someone take the damn thing away, I don’t want it no more…. I don’t want to feel. Not like this….

I’d bury that darned key but knowing my bad luck someone would find it….

The result of all this is I am locking myself down. I am being like a stroppy sulky child in my conversations (whether online or not), especially with people I 1. Feel comfortable talking to. And 2. People I care about. Makes me seem a bitch. Yup. A bitch. But locking down my feelings and making it seem that I just don’t want to talk to people is the only way I can see doing this. It’s just it hurts because I don’t wanna be this way. Lose lose situation because I can’t see a win, or even a draw for that matter.

Give me a word that describes you? Just one word?
Here’s mine….

Oops…. sorry (yeah to you, your in my pic.) I’m not taking it again….
So my word…. Fool. As in, I am a fool. So the top definition. That’s me…. perfect description. Time I started leading with my head…. go set alight to yourself in a gunpowder factory heart….

So I guess I’m kinda not liking myself very much right now. But Shit happens….

I know right now there are people I actually care about that if I don’t behave I’ll push away, if I haven’t already done so. And that makes me know I need to lock myself down more. I don’t want this but it has to be. I don’t have a choice.  I’m not gonna get upset and let tears fall. That can go in a bottle. I don’t want to feel. Not feel like this….

^^ The stokes.^^  Heart in a cage. ^^

So i guess I’m now writing in circles and skirting the subject I should be writing about. Skirting the subject I should be thinking about. My fingers move over these keys quite fast until I consider certain people and then my fingers get stuck. Fine….
What’s the point in writing if I’m gonna skip what I should say because I don’t like emotions? I don’t know…. on this point I give up…. but there it is…. Now every time I think “I give up” I happen to hear a friends voice loud and clear saying “you don’t give up” 👿 Thanks “little frog”. *sigh….* I guess this thought I had, that I was gonna write it all down and feel a little clearer, just up and ran away…. I give up…. oh whatever…. Grrrrrrrrrrr….

Did I explain that it may look like I’m being off with you but that’s actually the last thing I want? Fuck it! I give up…. hmmmm. …