I wanted to write on here yesterday but I couldn’t so I just posted a picture….
  Yesterday I had to listen to all those stupid voice mails on my phone as I’d missed a call. Voicemail is annoying just like answer machines….
  There’s 9 on my phone and the 3rd one is from my mother. She sounds broken…. begging me to call her. She must have rung before I figured out the block function on my phone. I have this natural thing where I want to make people happy and smile. There’s nothing better than taking 2 minutes to give someone else a smiley moment. And most of the time it wouldn’t even take you 2 minutes….
  My resolve started to crack and yeah I should ring her, make her smile. But that doesn’t do me any good. It places me back at square 1. How will I move forwards if I’m going backwards? I didn’t ring her….
  Yesterday, as if he had somehow known, a friend messaged me at just the right moment and gave me the smiles I needed. He carried on sending messages throughout the day and it helped so much. I didn’t tell him and he doesn’t need to know, but yeah…. Yesterday was hard.
  I sat through a TAC meeting and could hardly think straight, you know when there’s things you have to do, things you should do. Things that are right. I spent most of yesterday thinking that yet again my biological family will think I’ve proven it to them that I’m a heartless selfish bitch. That I do this to my mother is yet more proof I’m bad. I know I shouldn’t entertain these thoughts. I guess it’s just the way my mind is wired? Anyone know of an electrician to change the wiring? 
My sleeping is basically non existent, my appetite has disappeared and my mind is dragging itself over jagged sharp painful memories that should be locked away behind layer upon layer of wall, and yet still I’m stumbling forward tripping one foot over the other….
  Last night I did what I do best, make other people smile. It’s easy to forget the things I need to when I’m concentrating  on someone else.
  I went to bed at 4 this morning and got up 20 mins late at 6:40 am. Will I sleep tonight? At some point yes. Will I eat today? I don’t know. Will I call my mother today just to make her happy? No. No I am doing the right thing. The best thing. And I can do this.
It’s funny how when 1 thing goes wrong, loads of things go wrong. There is so much going wrong in my life right now. It’s hard to keep a smile for the world to see but I’m doing it. My thoughts keep getting endlessly darker, but its ok to have a darkside as well as the light?
  Listen to some more music, make it louder, show the world your smile, and above all keep putting one foot in front of the other….
.x.

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