Archive for October, 2014


Nothing….

The last post I actually wrote on here was on the 4th. That thought occurred to me today….
I’m not interested in writing at the moment, I’m not really interested in anything. It’s like my get up and go, got up and went. There’s this ticking clock inside me but it’s stuck…. just ticking the same second over and over and over again. And because it’s stuck, so am I, and I see the gray. No, no, I feel the gray. I feel it’s swirls and tendrils, I feel it’s icy caress. But at the moment I don’t mind. When’s the gray gonna realise I’m not to bothered about the cold?  Even though I know the gray means I’m gonna slip, I don’t care. Well I said that wrong to I guess…. it’s not I don’t care. It’s that I feel nothing. Nothing at all. Why is nothing provoking a reaction inside me?  Usually there are so many different emotions running through me during the day, enough to make a “normal”  person dizzy. But since I wrote that last poem…. Nothing. Not comfortable nor uncomfortable nothing…. just nothing. No feelings about anything. It’s not I’m not bothered, it’s not a numbness, a tinge a smudging of the corners…. It’s just a nothingness….

.x.

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Yes you are!

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….

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Yes I do!

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Yup I think your all pretty awesome!  ☺

~~

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So true….

.x.

….

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~ Today…. ~

It’s raining
but today rains not the perfect sin,
It’s cold and it feeds the desolate cold
no pleasure does it release within,
It’s raining
but today it does not make me smile,
Today it does not stir me
nor make me want to ponder its magic for a while,
Today it’s cold and wet and gray and lifeless
today the story has stopped the sunshine has been drowned,
Today I realise how inadequate I am at everything
today my insecurities make  a deafening sound,
Today I am an empty shell
passing through a vibrant crowd,
Today I long for the comforting silence
as the derogatory words in my head are so loud,
Today I feel so low and it feels like
here I’ll stay,
It feels like I’ve fallen down this deep dark hole
and I’m afraid to ask for some help today (I don’t deserve it anyway),
Today I don’t deserve warmth
and today I know I’m bad,
Today I accept I’m tainted
but the knowledge doesn’t make me sad,
It’s raining
and as a drop hits my finger,
There’s this shocking chill like a jump start
but it fades and doesn’t linger,
It’s raining and the songs that usually flame my emotional fire
miss their mark,
It’s raining and it’s gray
but that’s ok as I feel so dark,
Today I desperately need your arms around me
to tell to show me it’s okay,
But the reality is if you come near me
then I’ll push you even further away….

.x.

Today’s play list….

When the world breaks your heart.
Home.
Truth is a whisper.
As I am.
Hey ya.
The above are all by ~ The Goo Goo Dolls. ~
Breathe. By ~ Nickelback. ~
November Rain.
Patience.
Both by ~ Guns and Roses. ~

.x.

;)

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Love this, tried this but, could never finish a chapter…. 😉

.x.

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