I haven’t written on here in a while so I’m trying…. I’m still writing but what I write annoys even me. There’s a demon inside me and at the moment I’m losing my fight against him. At the moment I don’t even want to fight. I’m tired of the desolate landscape of my feelings. I’ve had enough of the destructive war in my mind. And I’m sick, sick of the battle that rages through my blood, turning me to black, sucking me down, drying me out….
Right now in this moment of clarity, in the calm in the eye of my storm, I ask myself if this is how it’s always gonna be? And I have to ask myself why? Why depression? Why am I affected like this? What chemical imbalance of fucked upness happened to be like this? I guess that’s the million dollar question….
I want a good night’s sleep. One where I don’t have to wait until my body is exhausted to get it, where it lasts more than 2 hours and where I’m not having nightmares. Apparently that’s to much to ask….
I keep trying to loosen these chains to the point it just becomes about the chains and I’ve forgotten exactly why I’m trying to loosen them in the first place. To smile again, I have to tell myself, to smile on the inside, not the mask that the world sees, but to smile where it matters….
The light is there somewhere…. I’m sure of it. But the gray is so tempting, it lures me with false promises, it caresses and soothes in a soft singsong voice hypnotising, binding it’s self to me, wrapping it’s tendrils around and even though I know I should fight it. Even though I know the gray doesn’t actually care. It’s so easy to accept, to want to follow it, like a child pulled along by the invisible threads of a sweet shop…. I can’t help but follow, listening to this demons soft seductive voice calling calling calling….
And I somehow always follow, in a daze stumbling after it, in a hypnotic stupor, drunk on its empty promises, drugged by its wondrous tales of how much better it will be. And each time it tells me to jump and I do, and each time I fall…. will I ever learn? Will I ever be strong enough to say no? Is that kind of strength possible? I honestly don’t know….
I think today might be my last day of calm in the eye…. I smell a storm coming on. I can hear the dusty clank of chains and the irrisistable sound of calling. I can’t help but want to follow the voice that I know constantly pushes me over the edge. For some strange reason I’m looking forward to the kiss and caress of my demon as he binds me and wraps his arms around me, pulls me into the abyss….
Somewhere along the fall I’ll start fighting, I always do. And I bounce back to normal, it’s a slow bounce but yeah, I fight. I’ve never hit bottom of the fall, I wonder if there is a bottom? Or is the bottom where you just give up? Where you sleep for eternity? I don’t know and I never want to find out or should I say, I’ve never got to that stage where I’ve wanted to know for a 100%. I hope I never do….
Group, 1 to 1, writing about it, talking about it, knowing and remembering my triggers. On and on and on…. Right now, right here, right in this moment, right when it matters….? I just don’t care….
As with what happens next….?
Only time will tell….
I will fight it…. I always do….
.x.
An empty space.... 
You must fight, don’t let it win.
It’s an endless battle but, I’m not a quitter.
Seek help. Keep fighting. 🙏
I’m going to group and fighting like always, just this time i wrote about it on here to….
I hope you find the peace you seek. There are others out there that feel the same way. Please know you are not alone. Like a rope, one strand may not be strong, but together, all strands, and all of us working together, are strong.
I posted this on here because this is a side of me I am ashamed to admit. Like anyone with depression, we wear our masks and fall to pieces on the inside. Usually I just go to 1 on 1 sessions as I’m not really a people person but, the group I’ve been going to is really good. We are all there because we have the same “history”. There is no need for our “masks” which I always find strange…. I like very much your words…. like a rope…. very real, very true, and said by someone who understands….
If by my posting this, just 1 person reads it and says, I’m glad I’m not the only one then, that’s good. I often think the fact that mental health problems are “swept under the carpet” leaves so many of us feeling ashamed and alone. We are not. We are beautiful and we are strong. I’ve had such a bad day emotionally and I know that there’s many gray days ahead before I have the inner strength and belief to fight back to my inner smile…. That I can go to group and 1 on 1 is something I’m thankful for, I know not everyone is so lucky…..