Archive for June, 2014

~ Moment…. ~



And I watched them move

the trees swayed so soft against the still,

In the lonely midnight hour

the shadows danced and I watched until,

The lightening of the sky

the first signs of the dawn,

It slowly stretched its tendrils

an awakening across the lawn,

The morning dewdrops

glistened with ease,

The flowers shook

with the gentle breeze,

The light it crept

with a wondering sigh,

The sun rose slowly

to face the sky,

The shadows receding

all but disappeared,

My body weary

my eyes they teared,

Do you ever get a chance

to watch the dawn,

To see the early morning light

the start of the morn,

Your life so busy

do you ever find the time,

If not then with you I’ll

share this moment of mine….







Smile :)


I hope all of you always do.x.  ūüôā



Your a drug and I am but a hopeless addict….
I’m just helplessly hopelessly addicted to you…. .x.

~ Know then…. ~

I hate you because 

I care about you….

I don’t like you and I never want to see you ever again

But those words I just wrote were a lie….

You have a part of my heart no one else can claim

Your name cut there so deep….

All these years have past and our lives drift and then re-collide

All these years have past and I care so deeply about you the same if not more….

I’m so very very afraid of ¬†you

And that’s because I feel so much….

You have the power to hurt me and that’s a scary thing

But all I can do is sharpen the blade….

Sharpen the blade before I hand it to you

The first cut is always the deepest the most deadly….

So wrap your self around me and break me….

Kill me softly….

Kill me slow….

And as my tears fall and my walls topple and crumble

As like fragile glass I shatter….

Until all that’s left is me

a mixed up soul that’s still learning….

Know then 

As you hold the blade in your hand….

See then, feel then, know then

That my words are not just words, they are truths….

Know then, and know 

That I care….


~ Untitled form the heart…. ~



Be strong be strong

they can’t see you cry,

Be the strong one

this is not a goodbye,

Some days weeks months

but not for to long,

Let just the page see your tears

be these words your heart song,

We need you we need you

your our rock anchor glue,

Your the magic word family

that binds us so true,

Get better get well

the recovery will be slow,

You are our heart

we need you so,

Be strong be strong

can’t let them see me cry,

Show everyone I’m strong

only these words see the lie,

Partner dad your our center

you hold us together so true,

Get well soon my love

your our rock anchor glue,

Only words will see me break

we really need you….





Where I’m standing….



Am I even standing? And if ¬†I am, then where am I? Honestly at the moment I just don’t know….

In the last few months I’ve been on a deep personal learning curve. I’ve wanted to get off this roller coaster many many times but, I’ve had to do it and, it’s been hard. Emotionally I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train. Twice. But importantly, I’ve proved I’m so much stronger than I both think and give myself credit for. Now I just need to start believing in myself a bit more. I guess maybe that comes with time? Maybe….

So instead of posting a poem or thought like usual I wanted to ask you a question. Or maybe I just wanted to voice my question out in the open and then answer it myself? ¬†Either way it goes…. Here we go….

Do you believe in your dreams? When you dream do you listen to them? Do you question them?

I believe that my dreams are my conscience (is that the right word?) telling me whats going on. My inner self, my brain, my instincts, My gut, whatever you want to call it, sorting out the crap and showing me what I’m not seeing, warning me. Well, if I’m right then something not good is gonna happen if I don’t change either my ways? Way of thinking? Or what I’m doing?

So People that have read my page a lot have read that I’ve been in care, that my “real” parents are well, we’ll leave that blank. Really they should have both gone to prison but they didn’t, and even though I was 6 at the time, I still feel to blame for that. But that’s not what I want to talk about, this is….

I’ve been dreaming about standing in my mothers upstairs hallway, it’s only small, my brothers bedroom door is behind me, but I know he’s not in there. All the doors are closed. I’m standing in line with my mothers door and can see the bathroom door directly in front of me, with my room in front and to the right and stairs to the left. I see it from a child s perspective but, I am grown up in my dream. What gets me and, inevitably wakes me, is the sheer terror I feel. My eyes bouncing between the door handles and the stairs, knowing if I was caught out of my room the pain would be unbearable, and knowing it was bad enough if it was her that caught me but what if it was him? I’m desperate for the toilet in my dream but I dare not touch that door. I can’t move, my insides are a puddle, I know which floorboards to walk on and which not to. ¬†Someones ¬†coming and for some reason I don’t know where they are coming from. It’s like they are in stealth mode, ninja quiet, so silent getting ready for the kill shot. And I am nothing but a bunny rabbit caught in their headlights, a deer in their cross hairs. Waiting, heart beating a crescendo, so fast I don’t think it can go any faster, so loud I’m sure they can hear it. I can hear their breath but still can’t work out where it’s coming from. I can feel their laughter at this game of cat and mouse. I can hear the click of the gun as they take aim. I hear them pause at they factor in wind and movement. And I know I’m being lined up for the fall. The shot. Terror builds in me, a silent scream clawing to get out. My whole body screaming run. But I can’t, and just before it happens, I awaken. The scream still trapped in my throat, drenched in sweat, struggling to breathe. The problem with this dream is I’m pretty sure it’s my minds way of telling me that I need to remove myself from something before I “get shot”. It’s used something that will truly terrify me as its basis to show me. Slowly so very slowly, I think I’ve got it down to 2 things and, if it is one of those that my inner self is saying get away from? Then for once I just can’t listen, I always listen to my gut/dreams/instincts call it what you will but this time? All I can say is, if it is one of these two things….

Line up your shot assassin, I’m standing here…. Line it up assassin, I’m dead in your cross hairs….

Take the shot….





~ Text…. ~


I am your fool and always here for you.

As a friend.

Someone to walk in silence with if you need.

To listen and to never judge.

Here no matter what.

It never matters the time

or the day.x.

In 20 seconds of ¬†feeling relaxed, calm and at ease….

I took down a wall for you.

And I didn’t even see it until now….

Just a simple text out of all our texts last night.

Somebody call the builders

I can’t let walls fall again….



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