What do you do when you receive bad news? How would you react if someone you truly cared about passed away?  It’s not really something we think about until we have to face it. That’s what I think anyway….
    Yesterday evening my mobile rang and very unusual my 11 yr old son picked it up, he puts it on speaker just like he always does and the person on the other end says give the fone to your dad. He was in the kitchen with me. She says I’ve got to tell Nem something that’s going to upset her. I don’t remember the rest of what she said as I knew….  I wouldn’t take the mobile from him. I burst into tears. I don’t do well with emotion.  I grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out the door I don’t remember going to the shop. I don’t remember buying cigarettes.  I realised about an hour later that I was smoking and about 2 miles from home and still the tears were falling. I don’t smoke unless something is extremely stressful then, smoking is my release.
    I came home kissed my kids good night laid down with the girls until they were asleep and thought. I sat in the front room for hours and thought. I went to bed at 4 this morning. I woke at 7:20.
   So many of my happy memories as a child begin and end with Zieda. My granddad.  He lived a long time.  He saw alot in his life. He met all the great grandchildren that I gave him. As I grew up in care and spent many years with family out of my life, I can’t begin to imagine how everyone else is feeling….
    After our parents, who must be going through a personal hell, a never ending rabbit hole of emotions, comes us, our generation in the family. My cousins and I. My cousins grew up with our grandparents.  They were a constant in their lives….
    I can’t begin to imagine what they are feeling, what they are going through…. Where I, through practice over the years have learnt to bury and build walls to blank all existence of whatever upsets me and just be left with the lost emptyness. I don’t want/refuse to accept the hurt this is giving. I’m not immune to their feelings and I’m sure they must be feeling a hundred million times worse. A hundred million times more lost….
    My thoughts and feelings go out to them. I’m so very sorry for their loss….
    I just don’t know know what to say….

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