What do you do when you receive bad news? How would you react if someone you truly cared about passed away? It’s not really something we think about until we have to face it. That’s what I think anyway….
Yesterday evening my mobile rang and very unusual my 11 yr old son picked it up, he puts it on speaker just like he always does and the person on the other end says give the fone to your dad. He was in the kitchen with me. She says I’ve got to tell Nem something that’s going to upset her. I don’t remember the rest of what she said as I knew…. I wouldn’t take the mobile from him. I burst into tears. I don’t do well with emotion. I grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out the door I don’t remember going to the shop. I don’t remember buying cigarettes. I realised about an hour later that I was smoking and about 2 miles from home and still the tears were falling. I don’t smoke unless something is extremely stressful then, smoking is my release.
I came home kissed my kids good night laid down with the girls until they were asleep and thought. I sat in the front room for hours and thought. I went to bed at 4 this morning. I woke at 7:20.
So many of my happy memories as a child begin and end with Zieda. My granddad. He lived a long time. He saw alot in his life. He met all the great grandchildren that I gave him. As I grew up in care and spent many years with family out of my life, I can’t begin to imagine how everyone else is feeling….
After our parents, who must be going through a personal hell, a never ending rabbit hole of emotions, comes us, our generation in the family. My cousins and I. My cousins grew up with our grandparents. They were a constant in their lives….
I can’t begin to imagine what they are feeling, what they are going through…. Where I, through practice over the years have learnt to bury and build walls to blank all existence of whatever upsets me and just be left with the lost emptyness. I don’t want/refuse to accept the hurt this is giving. I’m not immune to their feelings and I’m sure they must be feeling a hundred million times worse. A hundred million times more lost….
My thoughts and feelings go out to them. I’m so very sorry for their loss….
I just don’t know know what to say….
Archive for March, 2014
I’ve been having one of those weeks, well a bit longer than a week, where nothing seems right. I’m happy (I think), I smile a lot but, the smile’s not hitting my eyes ( so I’m told ), how does a smile hit your eyes? Hmmmm? Whatever, I guess I’m just feeling a little down and moody and stressy <- is that a word? and grouchy. yeah that kinda describes me…. I was looking for something just to give me a kick and inspire me and, I found it in the following words….
This is by The Haunted Lullaby and is, for me, very inspirational. Hopefully it inspires you to….
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I’ve:
– been a victim of physical abuse
– been a victim of mental and psychological abuse
– been kicked out of my own home – twice in fact – and including on my 17th birthday
– been betrayed by individuals whom I trusted and called family
– been divorced
– had a gun pulled on me twice
– defeated an anger problem – admitting I have a disease and it is something I will have to live with and work to control the rest of my life
– watched myself completely bottom out in late 2011 and early 2012 – watching everything I ever wanted go up in flames in a matter of six months
– seriously considered committing suicide in the time frame mentioned above because I saw no out, no means to continue, and no reasons to continue. Not only did I feel like I had nothing but I felt like nothing.
And, each time I’ve fallen, I’ve picked myself up and pulled it together. Then I fall. Again. And, again. And, again. But each time I fall, I get back up. Somehow. Someway. It wasn’t God. It wasn’t Jesus. It wasn’t my family. It wasn’t my friends. It was me.
I’ve sat and suffered in silence. I’ve gone to bed with a knife under my pillow – worried that I would be killed during the middle of the night. I’ve cried. I’ve begged. I’ve bargained. I’ve pleaded. I’ve screamed. I’ve felt sorry for myself. I’ve blamed others. I’ve lashed out in anger. I’ve asked “why”.
There is no “why”. This is the life I have. These are the cards I’ve been dealt. It just “is”. I’m not being rewarded. I’m not being punished. I’ve had a lot of damage inflicted on me. I’ve inflicted a lot of damage on myself. I’ve likely inflicted damage on others.
Someone very close to me told me that bad things happen to me because “life knows I am strong enough to take it”. While very poignant and admirable, I can’t imagine it is true. We all go through trials and tribulations. How we choose to deal with them is what builds character. I’m not a quitter. I’m not a complainer. I don’t make excuses. I make mistakes but I learn and grow from them. I falter and I struggle, daily, and I will fail and I will fall. But, I will never stay down. I will get back up and I will do it for myself.
I have the right tools. I have the right mindset. I can build bridges even if they have been destroyed before. I can’t change the past but I can change the present and the future. Specifically, I can change my present and my future. It can be what I want it to be.
I can be a victim of whatever I want – abuse, society, unfairness, others. It is an easy route. But, I refuse. I am a victim of no one and nothing. Am I a survivor? Sure, but anyone living is a survivor. That’s not good enough and way too clichéd. I am more. I am a proponent – for hope, for dreams, for courage, for integrity, for honesty, for character, for rebuilding, for improvement, for forgiveness, and most importantly, for growth.
To you, the reader: Don’t wait for tomorrow. There may not be a tomorrow. Don’t rely on others. Use your own power to light your way.
Find the will. Find the courage. Find the strength. Find a way.
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I re posted the bit that inspires me most but, to read his full post here is the link…. http://thehauntedlullaby.com/2014/03/04/victim-of-nothing/
Hope the rest of your Tuesday is a happy one.x.
An empty space.... 